Chapter 7

“So when will your parents come home?” she said as they sat down then she immediately regretted it in case the question sound so aggressive.

But Yonghwa didn’t look offended. He looked worried. “I guess this weekend if everything is fine in Japan,” he said. “Dad opened a new office in Japan so he was checking if everything is okay there.”

“So your dad is a businessman? Like he owns a company?”

Yonghwa nodded. “My parents own it. A fabric company.”

“So you’re a chabeol,” Shinhye seemed scared.

“Not really. I don’t wish to inherit any of the business.”

“But why?”

“Because I’m not interested. I’m lucky I have my sister and brother to do it.”

“Ahh rebellious son,” she snuffled with laughter.

“Do you think so? I’m glad my parents are okay with anything I do, that’s why I choose music. I don't want to have anything to do with the company.”

“Oh, that’s good,” her laughter died away. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Yonghwa gave her the tokki smile.

They sipped their drinks and smiled at each other. Thoughts were racing through her head, crazy thoughts like ‘I’ve made it! I’m in a coffee shop surrounded by people. Fighting me!’. But there were also other weird, random thoughts popping up, like ‘Everyone is looking at me, I hate myself, I wish I’m at home right now,’ which was just weird. She did not wish she was at home. She was out with Yonghwa!

“Yonghwa ssi, do you perhaps know anyone named Dr Kang?” she asked, trying to distract her brain from the scary thoughts.

“Dr Kang?” he seemed clueless. “I don’t think I know a Kang with a doctor title.”

“Oh.”

“Why?”

“It’s nothing, just asking random question.”

“Who is Dr Kang?” he asked.

“Oh, he is… my… doctor,” she avoided from using the word ‘psychiatrist’.

Yonghwa stared at her for awhile. Then he snapped his finger and nodded his head.

“You… think… I was send by your doctor to help you?” he asked carefully. But Shinhye remained silent as her brain blamed her for asking such question. “It’s okay. It’s normal for you to feel that. But I’m not send by any doctor. I’m just a Busan guy who moved to Seoul with a sick harabuji.”

“I’m sorry,” again, she apologized.

“If you don’t mind me asking this, do you still go to therapy?”

She was expecting the question, judging by how fast he guessed about Dr Kang.

“Yes. Kind of.”

“But do you still need it? I mean, you look fine.”

“I’m fine but you know…”

“If you just took off your dark glasses, you’d be like totally back to normal. You should do that,” Yonghwa said with enthusiasm. “You know, just do it.”

“I will, one day.”

“But you shouldn’t wait. You should do it, right here, right now.”

Shinhye felt like he was giving out his confidence to her. “Maybe yes.”

“Shall I do it?” he reached over but she recoiled.

The confidence in her plus the one he had been sending was melting away. His voice felt intimidating, like he’s giving her an interrogation.

She didn’t know what happened next in her head. Things had turned. She took a sip of her frappucino, trying to relax but all she really wanted to do was grab the tissue paper and shred it into little pieces. The voices around her were getting louder and louder; more and more threatening.

At the counter, someone was complaining about a cold coffee and she found herself tuning in to the only side of the argument that she could hear.

“Complained three times --- Don’t want a free coffee----Bring me your manager--- Not good enough! Just not good enough!”

The angry voice was like a chisel in her brain. It’s making her flinch and closed her eyes and wanted to flee. She was starting to panic. Her chest was rising and falling all over again just like the other day. She couldn’t stay anymore. She couldn’t do this. Dr Kang was wrong. Yonghwa was wrong. Everyone was wrong. She was never going to get better. She couldn’t even sit still in a coffee shop. She was a total failure.

And now darker thoughts were circling in her head, dragging her down back to the bottom.

I should just hide away.

I shouldn’t even exist.

What’s the point of me anyway when I’m such a freak?

“Shinhye ssi?” Yonghwa waved a hand in front of her face, which made her flinched even more. “Shinhye ssi?”

“I’m sorry,” she gulped and pushed her chair back. She needed to escape.

“What?” he stared at her, bewildered.

“I can’t stay.”

“Why?”

“It’s just… too loud. And too much,” she put her hands over her ears. “Sorry, I’m so sorry.”

She knew she r