I remember the last time I cried. It was evening and I was alone for the third day in a row. I wasn't used to being alone, but I coudn't see people, because they would notice my cut wrists. I hated self-harm, but I had to inflict some pain to distract my mind. And the wounds turned out to be deeper and more noticeable than I thought. So I had to stay home and I had to avoid people and the longer I was alone, the more depressed I became.

I just rolled into the corner of my too big apartment in the middle of Seoul - a city full of people.

I hated crying.

It meant I was meant to be makae, the sensitive fragile one. 

But I wanted to be adult.

I wanted people to see that I had matured.

I was like a kid back then. 

I was filming that day and the wounds had barely faded, so I couldn't allow people to see them, but I had to come out to do my duties. 

I managed to hide it and became depressed, because nobody gave a about how I was. 

I felt so alone.

At that time, when I felt like this I usually called one of my hyungs, it was the best solution and I would have called them, if I wasn't childish brat that was too proud to call for some help. Now I knew it wouldn't mean I was a kid, it would only show my will to become an adult.

Any of my hyungs would understand me.

When Jiyong kissed me, I felt like I wasn't alone. I felt him, his desperate need for me, he wanted me and considered me adult enough to show me how much he loved me, even if he never said it aloud. And I felt like such a fool for pushing him away. I felt guilt swallowing me whole as I ran away and tears destorying my make-up. 

I mindlessly ran into toilet.

I didn't know he followed me.

Until he made me acknowledge his presence.

"Why are you crying? Why are you running away?" he asked, as if he really didn't understand.

I guess he didn't.

Who did? Even I did not.

“It’s ing hard you know?” I sobbed into my hand, my back turned to leader, I was facing the wall. I heard him slowly making his way towards me, his hands gently ghosting over my waist. I quickly wiped those tears and decided not to crack anymore.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get noonas to adjust my make-up,” destroying the moment of intimacy he tried to make I ran away from his welcoming hands.

This was not the time to break.

The time would never come, I am strong baby, I will never crack, never will I love my hyung again like I used to. We were in the middle of a concert for ’s sake! And I was crying and thinking of bad things, well, it was partly Jiyong’s fault for kissing me but mine too, I thought I had my thoughts controlled. Once my make-up was done, I hurried up to stay under out stage, waiting for the time I would have to come up. I was hoping that leader would avoid me.

Throughout the whole performance we managed to look normal – we were professionals after all, wearing masks was what made us celebrities.

When the concert was over, I didn’t wait for him to be ready to leave, I bid my farewells to others and without further goodbyes I left. I had to take my mind off of these things. I couldn’t slip to depression again – we were in the middle of promotions and I had to be fit and in perfect condition, not even mentioning the fact I couldn’t start cutting myself nor drinking, that would be stupid.

So when Jonghoon called me to come to Busan, I gladly accepted right away, though I had only slept for an hour and Jiyong was probably still out celebrating the last concert before some break. He’d be going to the Paris for a week of fashion or whatever so I could make some plans, too. Everything was a success until now so I deserved some break.

I enjoyed my time in Busan, I met up with old friends, I partied hard and I met new people. Not a second passed that I’d be alone with my thoughts and that was exactly what I needed. I didn’t register my physical tiredness which could have been an important matter later but for now I decided to the world and push myself to the extreme limits. I drank, I used my newfound DJ skills to impress people around me, I laughed a lot. I loved cruises on my friend’s boat and the alcohol and girls pushing themselves on me…

Once in a while I would feel Jiyong’s hands on my waist, his sof