A/N: Shoutout to MeepHere for upvoting, thank you. Important update at the end.

Sitting on the wood bench facing the river, listening to the background noises caused by the chatter of people enjoying their Friday night, everything seemed so serene. I would come here a lot during my trainee days, when I felt hopeless. When I felt that I would never debut and was just wasting my time, I would come here to this bench. I would sit cross legged, lay my palms facing upward on my knees, close my eyes and just feel the cool breeze on my face. When I opened my eyes and saw the vast river in front of me, I would usually realize that I was tiny in comparison to everything else. My problems didn't really matter. If I did end up wasting my time training it would be okay because life would still go on, and I would still be able to continue on knowing that I gave it a shot. But today it's different. I made it where I want to be but how could this even be real? How could I be an idol? A person someone sees on their tv and hears on the radio. ME.

I blame my overthinking on my depression. I overcame the worst of it during high school when my parents got divorced and I had to move schools. No one ever thinks it would happen to them until it does. I never thought I would ever have to be that new kid. Every day that I woke up was a miracle. Some days I couldn't even get out of bed because I thought there was nothing to live for. I thought I would achieve nothing, so why get up? Everything I did was too late, I would always be too late. Because I would never be good enough. Not to my own standard or the standards of others. That was my thought process and everything was a struggle. Showering was too much work, getting dressed was too stressful, eating was too tiring. But then this opportunity appeared, out of nowhere. And for the first time in a long time, I felt hope. I saw a future. And I will be forever grateful for being given a chance. But here I am with tears running down my face, doubting myself once again.

You see if this were a movie, a cute boy who was destined to be with me would appear out of thin air to save me from myself. But this is not a movie. And that will not happen because this is reality. And reality .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was screaming. I was crying. I was inside an SM practice room belting out the lyrics of all the saddest songs I knew. Doing this always made me feel better. My iPhone was plugged into the speakers, blasting out Adele while I dramatically sang along and flailed my body around the room dancing. I knew I looked like a crazy person so I just closed my eyes and hoped that no one would pass by the door.

I dropped to my knees screeching the last part of the song before Lil Wayne’s How To Love came on. Then I burst into tears. I remember listening to this song on repeat in middle school when I first realized I was depressed. Those days when the sunny skies started turning gray in my mind. I closed my eyes and fell to my side, letting my body curl up against the cold floor. I laid there until the song finished, expecting the next sad song to start playing but it was only silence. I got up from the floor to check on my phone but a movement outside my door caught my attention. I looked over but nothing was there. Maybe it was just a random passerby. I unplugged my phone from the speakers and realized I had over 60 new messages. They were all from friends and family congratulating me on my first appearance to the public. My friends from America were fangirling so hard in the group chats. Fangirling over me! I received no messages from my fellow trainee friends, if I could even call them that. But that didn’t matter to me. What mattered was that all the EXO boys sent me congratulatory texts. Now it’s my turn to fangirl. They’re so nice to me it makes me feel guilty. What have I ever done for them?

Knock knock! I spun my head towards the door. Someone was there. I’m sure of it this time. There was a slight pause before the door opened and a lanky boy with unstyled brown hair peeked his head through. It was Kai.

“Hey, I heard American music coming through the halls and just wanted to see who was still here,” he said awkwardly. “I should’ve known it was you.”

How long was he outside of my door? There's no way that my music was so loud that it could've been heard all the way on the other end of the hallway where his practice is located. There’s no way that’s possible.

“Of course,” I laughed not wanting to him to know I was a bit suspicious of him. “What are you doing here? You guys had off today.”

“Yeah,” he dragged out and sighed. “I woke up late and wanted to do something today so it wouldn’t feel like a waste of a day. I always practice on days off.”

“Wow you work really hard,” I said nodding my head, impressed. He looked down and chuckled.

“How long have you been here? You must’ve been here long, you look really tired,” he said. Jeez Kai, even with older sisters does he not know he shouldn’t make comments like that. I had cried all my makeup off and I was emotionally and physically exhausted. So yes, I guess I was tired.

“Not that long,” I replied. “Around 2 o’clock maybe? I don’t remember. I’m so hungry.”

“Oh I was just about to leave. I think the other members ordered Chinese back at the dorm. You should come over!”

“Oh I don’t know,” I said hesitantly. “I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Yah no way. The only kind of burden may be the emotional kind, Suho may start crying once he sees you. But anyway, it’s a special day for you, we should help you celebrate!” he said walking towards me. What did he mean by Suho crying?

“Alright,” I said while putting my phone in my pocket. I picked my bag off the floor and flicked the light off as I walked out the door with Kai to my left. I could feel his hand slightly touching, slightly hovering over my upper back leading me towards the elevator.

“They’re going to be so excited when they see you,” he said. “We haven’t had any visitors at the dorm in so long, ones who aren't family.”

“Then I’m honored!” I joked. “Are you sure I’m allowed though?”

He laughed his comical laugh. “Of course, why wouldn’t you be? Unless you’re a sasaeng fan,” he teased.

I wondered why he trusted me so easily but then I realized the new position I was in. It was because I had just as much to lose as the rest of them. We got inside his car that was parked outside of the SM building and Kai pulled out of the parking spot with ease. He drove with one arm on top of the wheel, revealing his sculpted muscles that were enhanced by the shadows of the night, with his other arm leaned back on the armrest as he sped through the city. I’ve never seen anything hotter in my life. We got to their dorm and I was immediately taken aback by its size. I don’t know why I was surprised, I mean, I wasn’t expecting anything less. Kai had to put in a code on a touchscreen number pad to g