4. Staying at 2ne1's

I stayed at the swing for about 30 more minutes. As what I've wanted earlier, I want some time alone, I want to be alone. I'm not crying anymore, but my eyes, are still puffy. My chest is pretty fine by now. It looks like I need to rest a lot these days, especially this heart, it needs to rest. I looked at the slide, same as this swing I'm sitting on, it's rusty already. But I'm pretty sure that I can still use it. I can still remember how Miyoung will ask me to accompany her there. Memories kill me.

I stood up and went near the slide, not forgetting about the pouch, cell phone and medicine I have which I left on the swing, I just stood beside the slide without holding anything, it's much better that way. I am a 26 years old, grown-up woman who wanted to make myself a choding once again and enjoy myself. I climbed up and prepared myself for the launch. 1. 2. 3. Go. My feet landed on the grass and the hard soil.

I am smiling. How great it feels to be a kid once again. Ever since I became a trainee in S.M., I don't even have a time to play, after I study, I'll go straight to the company and then, will rest at my house. For 14 years, my life has always been that way. I laughed at the thought. I was about to climb up the slide again but someone interrupted me by a laughter.

"Kim Hyoyeon? Hahaha, you're cute." Of course, I tried to look for the person who spoke and what I saw is a girl.

"Minzy? What are you doing here?"

"I saw your car behind that house and we saw you acting like a kid enjoying this slide." I looked at her unconsciously, I shook my head. Did she saw me crying? Please, no.

I ignored her finger pointing into one direction because I am much more interested whether she knew it already or not.

She noticed it.

"And I know about that. I saw your medicine on the ground. Why didn't you just tell it to Chaerin or even me?"

"Sorry, it's just that I don't want people, my friends, to know about this condition I'm suffering with. Promise me, the secret wont get out of 2ne1. Please." I looked at her with my pleading eyes.

"Of course, this won't get outside the four of us. I swear, as the leader of the group, I promise you that." Someone wrapped her arms around me and it'll be Chaerin, of course.

"Chaerin, remove your arms. I'm getting jealous of your height. Where's the other two?" She chuckled while the other one giggled.

"The two are still finding park Bom's sandals, she's bare footed right now because she felt uncomfortable earlier and the other unnie helped her."

"Well, mind telling me the reason why are you crying?" Chaerin asked. What? They heard my rants?

"You have bloody eyes Hyo and some tears are still escaping. And as an obvious fact, you wont have a heart attack with just a no particular reason." She still has this arm around my shoulder while she looked at me curiously. I swear, I saw a glimpse of pity.

"Can't I jus-" Someone cut me off.

In just a second, the weight on my shoulder got lost and was changed into pair of arms wrapped on my waist.

"Hyonie~" By that one nickname, I already knew who it was.

"Bommie~ You're late, what happened?" I noticed her hands holding a bread and a corn, her all time favorites.

"We got a hard time finding her bread, her sandals were just underneath her seat." Dara explained to me while shaking her head.

I just laughed silently.

Bom was about to open to explain herself but that was interrupted by a phone call. I looked at my phone, Taeyeon?

Should I answer it or no? I'm just thinking that maybe, she found out that I left them without saying any word. That maybe, our leader's worried. Am I dreaming? Again? How should I act if I heard her words once again? Those hurtful words. How should I act if she just slapped the fact that I'm worthless to my face once again?

I looked at the four while their eyes are on me, they're looking at me curiously. I just mouthed Taeyeon's name to then and they instantly understood what I meant, what I mean by my face, my scared face.

"Your choice." Dara told me.

I am still debating over myself to answer it or not. Yes, they mean a lot to me. Especially this leader. Still having this thought on my head that if I answered it, I am going to hear her voice once again and hear her calling me a . I'm tired of them calling me a .

I just watched Taeyeon's name disappear from my cell phone's screen. I didn't bulge an inch, I didn't answer it.

But my cell phone ringed once again, it vibrated on my hand and I, didn't answer it once again.

I don't know what to do, no one knows.

'We need to talk. Tomorrow. At our dorm.' A text coming from Taeyeon cause my cell phone to light.

I saw the four looking at me worriedly, they probably knew that Taeyeon was the one who texted me. Their eyes showed me a lot of sympathy but behind that are those eyes I'm longing to see from my members. Those eyes that I want to see, to look, from my members. The eyes that shows that they care.

"She'll talk to me tomorrow morning, it looks like they won't go home later."

"Stay with us? Sleep on our dorm, you can sleep with any of us. We have a schedule by the afternoon so I guess, it's fine to have you." The leader offered.

"Is it fine? Just to spend this night." I smiled.

"Yeah, sure. If you want you can spend your weeks there, even months. You're welcome with us ad you have a lot to tell us." She emphasized the 'a lot'.

Chaerin wrapped her arms on my shoulders once again but instead of pushing hers away, I just let her be. While Bom's hugging my waist while we're walking, she's on my left side.

They brought me to my baby, my car.

"Sorry to use your car, Hyo. We already asked our driver to rest, we told him that we'll ride with you. Hehe." Sandara informed me and showed me her peace sign.

I sighed deeply before getting into the driver's seat. I'll drive for them. And because I am a stupid woman, I forgot to bring my bag from the swing but luckily, Minzy gave it to me. She smiled at me and showed me her eye smile which was rarely seen from her, she's kinda cute.

I reached for her head and rummaged her hair and she pouted, cute.

I started driving to their dorm.

"Hyo, do you have anyone on your mind? A guy, okay. How 'bout Key of Shinee? I heard you two are close?" Dara asked me.

"Huh? Kibum? He's my friend! A super close friend! He's one of my friends to know about this problem I have in my heart." I smiled.

They nodded at me while I still keep my eyes on the road to prevent further accidents. But I guess, that wouldn't stop there.

"Onew? I also heard that you two are going out for awhile? I even saw an article about that around a week ako?"

"Jinki is also my friend. Same with Key, he's one of those friend I'm talking about earlier."

I am not that uncomfortable about the topic because I know that I can trust them. No one would spill a secret.

"Yah! Stop throwing questions at her! She's loyal to me, right babe?" This crazy leader.

I won't be surprised anymore if she used that endearment to me from now on, she was always like that, even before.

"What? Okay, I'm yours, my one and only baddest female." I took my hand of the driver's wheel and sent her a flying kiss. She caught it with her hand and laughed.

She sat on the passenger seat and her reason was because she's the leader. That is why the other three just sighed and went behind us. I would love to sit with Minzy but I guess, Chaerin is fine?

Minzy opened the door for me, she's still bringing my small clutch bag. When I tried to get it because I'm shy? I'll sleep at their rooms and I'll let Minzy bring my things, that's no no. But she keeps on insisting that she would bring it because I am a visitor which makes her adorable. Cute little thing.





This Chaerin is rubbing it on my face asking me to wash myself alread. She told me I smell, well, she’s hugging my anyway, maybe she liked it?

She gave me a pair of black pajamas. The color of it is nice, it’s black and I kinda like it. It just represents my world, dark and lonely.

Right after I went out the bathroom, all of them are sitting on one sofa. All four of them are pushing ourselves in between but paid no care to it. They also have this big bowl of popcorn and a pitcher of water. Are they having a movie or something?

“What’s with these?” I asked them while pointing at those snacks they prepared on the table.

"Tell us. Why did you cry?" Chaerin ordered me.

I sat in between of Minzy and Bom, I really don;t know if I should tell them the story because it will only make me a huge pain of to them and I care about my members. What will they think of those eight? I am not feeling comfortable maybe because this will the first time of us talking about such a serious thing.

Should I tell them what did I really feel. It won't hurt me, right? Because right at this moment, I can feel the old us, the old SNSD in 2ne1. It gives me the warm feeling of having a family. Maybe... 2ne1 can be my family?

I laughed at the thought. They can be my family. Still, I am holding on to this hope that SNSD will be back, the old one. Pero umaasa parin ako na mabuo pa ang pamilya ko noon. The family that consists of 9 ladies wherein, there are no hard feelings towards each other, everyone is open, even the recent guys that makes our hearts flutter are known to the 9 of us.

Just for this night, can I make 2ne1 my family? Just for tonight, I would like to share a part of me, something inside me that I only let the SNSD see to 2ne1. I think I have already decided anyway.

“It’s like this, you know that it’s my birthday today, right?” The four of them nodding at me and listened to every word my mouth spilled.

“Right when I woke up earlier, Sunny went to me and gave me a bracelet.” I raised my right wrist.

“She greeted me a Happy Birthday, well of course, part of me hoped that even only Sunny will talk to me, will greet me I will be fine, because I believe, my heart truly believes that the broken bonds SNSD has, can still be fixed.”

“Believe me, I am happy, with just Sunny. Later on, I went to my doctor, to have my heart a check-up. They also told me that a heart that fits my body was donated that day.” 

“That’s good! Doesn’t that means you can have a normal life? Again?” Chaerin happily beamed at me.

Yes, that’s right, I may look like I can have the normal life again but it won’t be enough for me. I cannot obtain the normal life if the remaining 8 members will still be doing this to me. It is not normal. I need them, I love them.

And because I don’t want to ruin their mood, I just smiled even though the thought of SNSD breaks my heart inside.

“Right when I came back, they told me to dress into something formal. We went to a hotel nearby. The hotel was big and it looks so fancy, really.” I paused for a while.

“I brought my legs to where they are and went inside a certain room,it’s dark. Sunny nudged at me and told me it will be fun, I looked around and saw a banner there with a ‘Happy Birthday’ written on it. My mind went blank that time and thought that maybe it’s a celebration for me, it’s my birthday so I thought it was my party.”

“It turns out that everything wasn’t for me. Well, maybe my expectaions were disappointed, I thought SNSD has something planned or even remembered that very special day for me, but they don’t.” Bom patted my back and ate the popcorn on Sandara’s hands.

There was a moment of silence but Minzy’s eyes were telling me something. Something like, she knows a thing that I didn’t tell them.

“It’s not all about that. There are a lot more that has happened. You won’t be hurt that much if it was only for today. And you can always joke them about this special day. I won’t believe that they won’t remember it, you are with them during these past 7 years or way more than that.” By the way, this makne never called me unnie.

She’s great, she took every instances I said, even with thefacts and proofs. Right now, there is now way I can hide. The looks of them four are focused on me and I feel like they are boring holes on my skin. They want answers right now, that leaves me no choice.

“I am not their member anymore, I don’t know them anymore. They don’t even notice that I exist.they are not the same people I laughed together with. I am a for their eyes, for the past 3 years, someone named Hyoyeon didn’t even exist and I don’t know the reason for everything.”

“Well, maybe because I am a ? Haha.” I acted like I was fine with it, like I was happy with it.

They nodded their heads and I took it as a sign of me continuing. I exlained them eberything, from the The Boys era, till this day. Since that era, I felt everything, each pain and every worse feelings.

And maybe because, I am not like them anymore. They are the stars, while me, I am the one who’s gazing at the stars. I am the one dreaming and they are my dreams. I am truly glad that there are still Hyohunnies inside the SONE. They became the reason why I am sitll a member of SNSD, even though I have had enough of the words spatted to me by my members, the choreographers, managers and everyone else, I still managed to smile infont of them and the cameras.

Hyohunnies became my path. They lead me to the right way, and I believe that what ever happens, Hyohunnies will always stay my side. They became one of the sources of my happiness.

I will never let any of the Hyohunnies down. I won’t make them disappointed, they are all thats left with me. All I have is them.

"Hey. I am asking, why were you called a ?" Sandara Park, why did you even ask it?

"I took Yuri's dance breaks that is why I got the name . I was a fool, I thought dance breaks are for me." The pain of the memories started rushing towards my heart. My favorite dongsaeng called me a , that was truly nice.

"You are the main dancer, right?"

"Yes, it’s kinda fine for me. I don’t care that much about the breaks. This won’t do, it’s tired anyway." While my finger pointed my chest referring to my heart. I closed my eyes and felt my tiredness coming in, I am so sleepy.

"Let’s all sleep, everyone’s tired anyway. Hyo, sleep with me we can make great babies. A Dancing Gangster." I opened my eyes in surprise and looked at Chaerin.

Chaerin only winked at me and everyone else stood up while Chaerin here is holding my hand, dragging me along with her towards her while she whispered something to Minzy. Minzy being a good maknae, only nodded her head and went straight to the living room to fix their mess.

Chaerin threw a pillow at me and pulled me to her embrace.

“Yo don’t need to tell everything to us, I am a leader and I know what does it feel, really. I know you can’t tell everything to us yet, tell us anytime, we’ll listen.”

I smiled at her words, “Yes ma’am,” and closed my eyes.

I am glad that I became a SNSD member but the thought of me being a 2ne1 members ecit4ed me. What will happen if I audtioned at YG then? What if I became a 2ne1 memebr> will I hear those words from my leader?

I pictured the nine of us bowing to the audiences on my mind. All of us are smiling. Yes I will admit, being with these four crazy girls are fun but nothing can ever compare the happiness I felt with the other eight. They are a part of me.

Taeyeon will always be my leader, the one who’ll get mad because we drank too much but in the end she’ll be the first one to get drunk. Maybe until this point, I dedicate myself to SNSD.

Because maybe, just maybe, I still think of them as my air, my life. They will still be my babies, always will, because I miss being a mother to them.

No one can ever compare the bond we have before. They became my life.

Maybe, they always will?

(sorry for the errors, still haven’t double checked it hehe)