12. Off cam Part II

So that was what he was talking about ‘some things happened’. Not that I am demanding things but I don’t know, maybe it is right for him to be honest with me because trust me, I will understand. Yes, for sure, this is just the first time that we have ever spent so much time together and that he cannot give his trust immediately as people wanted it to be but maybe, it just kind of hurt me because he didn’t tell the truth; maybe it was because his fling was real.

We don’t know for sure.

I watched Jiyong smile at everything that Kiko told him, and even if I can only see a part of his face, I knew that he is happy.

Though I am very disappointed, not at him, but at myself, I ate everything that was on the table and focused there and not to them. This must be the consequence of me thinking that what Jiyong told me was real.

I felt my cellphone vibrate inside my pocket and checked it out to see a text message from Jiyong, “Hyoyeon, where are you?”

I smirked to myself and told him lies, “Dorm,” like he did.

Once I have had enough time to settle the food down in my stomach, I already stood up, wore my sunglasses and rushed outside. I didn’t know where to go. It’s not like I have a place to reside to. My dorm is a mess, and right now I don’t desire to face them.

I wandered around the mall for a while and look for anything to buy, and inside this store are dancing shoes that interests me. I went inside and looked around, until a certain hand reaches mine.

When I looked over, it was the same man that was making me feel incomprehensible things earlier, Jiyong.

“What are you doing here?” He asked me with a narrowed pair of eyes, “I thought you’re at your dorm?” He followed.

I smiled at him and did not bother to answer his question before drifting my gaze towards a tall figure beside him, it was Kiko. As a polite gesture, I lowered my hips to both of them and bid them goodbyes before reaching out to Jiyong’s hand to get the shopping bags he lifted from the floor.

I resisted every urge to look back at them and stared at Jiyong’s shocked expression.

My feet brought me to the farthest corner of the room without any intention of looking for the shoes that interested me. My mind was drifting to some other place, and though it may be hard for me to admit it, all these happened because of what I have witnessed between Jiyong and Kiko.

This mustn't be right.

I hate it.

I felt Jiyong approach me, together with the eyes of Kiko that follows my movement everywhere. This is not a right feeling to begin with.

Jiyong’s hand turned me around to face him, and contrary to my bursting feelings inside, my face remained stoic, “Look at me,” he said.

I couldn’t smile nor give him a little bit of attention, my eyes were glued to Kiko, the beauty of Kiko.

“She’s Kiko,” Jiyong gestured to Kiko, “And Kiko, this is Hyoyeon,” Jiyong said as his grip on my hand tightened.

Kiko was a real beaut. I wouldn’t doubt Jiyong if he told me that he and Kiko are back together because now that Kiko was standing tall right in front of me, even I could fall for her charms that easy.

Kiko smiled at me and bowed.

Taking the silence not any longer, she glared at Jiyong, “May I take my leave already?”

When Jiyong nodded his head, Kiko smiled at me again to bid me goodbye and Jiyong’s hand completely loosened on my wrist. I didn’t want to talk to him because I know that no words would run over my tongue and fill up the confusion and silence between us.

More than my mind that has been a mess for hours now, I am afraid that I might hurt Jiyong with how I counteract my restlessness with my words.

“Hey,” his soothing voice reached my ears, “Look at me, please,” he whispered.

With a sigh, I turned around and finally met my eyes with his gaze, “What is it?”

His smile was still plastered on his bright face. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were shining-- even if that wasn’t any possible, they still do.

“Why are you mad?”

“I am not,” I wanted to finish this conversation and get out of this place. I just wanted to rest in my room and stare at nothing but the ceiling, because the way that this day make me feels is something new, something incredible and I don’t know if I could still handle it any further, “Stay here, I’ll go buy this shoes,” I said as I lifted a pair of shoes I held inside my hands.

The people inside the store were watching us, in fact, they were staring, as if they were photographing each movement we did and take it against us.

It wasn't making me comfortable.

As my hands reached the counter, an another hand stretched out to the cashier and gave them his card.

Of course, we knew who it was.

“Why did you pay for it?”

“You’re my girlfriend after all,” he said with a cheeky smile and a loud voice.

They were cheering, but he wasn’t concerned at all.

“Stop,” I mumbled.

His smile fell over and his eyes became serious. Though I wanted to check his reaction a few more while, I knew that I would regret it.

So I turned around.

He and I were silently walking beside each other until we reached the parking lot with his car differing among the other machineries. He didn’t start the engine and stared at the lights illuminating the basement meanwhile, I, closed my eyes in an attempt to stop him from talking.

I didn't know what came to me, really.

But somehow, seeing him with an another woman that isn't me makes me feel things I shouldn't be feeling.

“Are you jealous?” He whispered with a voice that was unsure.

It was monotonous, as if afraid that I would detect his feelings--

“For sure, you weren’t. I am sorry for asking,” he didn’t give me a chance to speak because eventually the engine blows off.

The scenery that passes us wasn’t any enticing. They were full of skyscrapers. Billboards were filling my vision and numerous commercials were playing all at the same time. The only thing that interests me right now is him, and I hate to admit that; so my head turned at him and watched every quirk he did. The way his eyebrows scrunched down when he pedals the break, his tongue wetting his lips and his hateful eyes at the road. He for sure didn't like to drive, but drove for me instead.

As time passes, I realize the reason on why Yuri adores this man.

And I do too.

“Are you just going to stare at me?” He finally turned his face to me and smiled at me before snapping his eyes towards the road.

“Where are we going?” I asked in an attempt to change the topic.

“Anywhere.”

After a few minutes, the car stopped in a parking lot that directed me towards the wide landscape of the garden where I cried during my birthday.

Memories rushed inside my head and the emotion that I buried deep inside me started pooling up, taunting me to let it all out. Not this time, not when I have someone beside me. I bit my lip to suffocate the cries inside my throat, but Jiyong was quick to notice that.

He reached out to my head and pulled me to him.

Without saying another word, he stayed like that and caressed my head, “I didn’t ask you to do this,” I whispered through my ragged breath.

My eyes were welling up but I mustered every courage to swallow the whines down and pull myself away from his embrace.

His eyes were looking for mine, “You don’t have to hide yourself from me,” he told me and brushed my fringes away from my forehead.

I hurriedly unclasped the seat belt and turned my face towards the window of his car. My cheeks started heating up and I can feel my neck turning red. Why did he have to push his face to my view that close? Everything about this is overwhelming.

I can feel Jiyong’s hand near mine, but he never touched the surface of my skin. I can feel his hesitation, I can feel the push and pull and the dilemma, I can feel everything, and that, too, is overwhelming.

“Do you like me?”

My breath hitched and my face abruptly turned around to face his serious one, “No,” I replied in an instant.

“Be honest,” his smile slowly turned up.

“Yuri likes you,” I replied.

The hand that didn't know where to rest, eventually found my cheeks and held them inside. I can feel his fingers shake, and the way his eyes stared at mine spoke more than his smart mouth could do.

“I’ll be honest with you,” his eyes started to lose focus and now, they’re staring at nowhere, “I don’t have feelings for you.”

I knew, Jiyong, I knew--

“So if you ever like me, please, hate me. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

--I knew that Kiko was the woman of your dreams and I never once doubted that.

What can I expect from a person that I got close with in only a mere day because of his label mates? What can I expect from someone who doesn’t know when to stop?

“You told me you’re going to catch my feelings?” I asked him jokingly and resisted his hands, making them fall to his lap.

“You doubted me, right?” His lips formed a straight line. This time, for sure, he wasn’t lying, and I hate that I knew that, “Kiko was a fling, but when I saw her again earlier, I realized that even if I was fine with being her fling, I’ve always wanted something more--”

He blabbered about the connection that we had, but all that doesn’t make any sense to me. He wanted to protect me, but even that has their own limits. I shouldn’t let my emotions get the best of me, I shouldn’t let myself trust my self anymore.

“I really wish that this would last Hyo, I really like you as a friend. I want to try,” he stopped for a while and breathed a mouthful of air before looking again at my eyes, “I really want to.”

I ended up choking on my own saliva and coughed a little bit.

There are just some things that even I couldn’t do for him nor for myself, and that makes it all real.

I cleared my throat and looked straight ahead to stare at nothing but the swaying of the trees and leaves, “Do you want to know about what I said earlier during the shooting?” I asked to change our topic.

When people are hurting, they said that the natural response of them is to withdraw from the pain, but in contrary to that, I am not withdrawing, rather I am immersing myself in this mess.

“It was the Girls’ Generation. For the last three years, they’ve all changed, only Sunny stood up for me,” I started to ramble, almost forgetting that it was Jiyong I was talking to, “Only Tiffany knows, and that explains why Tiffany ran to us back at the parking lot,” I said pertaining to my heart condition.

“Sunny didn’t know? Why?”

“She already has so much in her hands, I don’t want to add up to her worries,” I dismissed the thought with the use of my hand and Jiyong hummed for a while before catching my hand and enveloping it inside his hand.

His smile stretched out, and though I wanted to pull myself together and my hand from him, there is something about his smile that made me halt.

“Chae always talks about you, does she know about it?”

“She saw me at this park, and she offered me a place to stay. Of course they knew, Jiyong.”

His grip on my hand tightened and it almost reassured me that this day wouldn't end and even if I went back to our dorms, everything would be okay.

The sun nearly approached the horizon, and minutes from now, the day would stop devouring the darkness. Even if I try to explain everything to him, it would be a hard thing to do since this is years worth of story--

“Tell me everything. I want to hear your everything.”

My eyes widened at his remarks and they searched for any hints.

But my trance of thoughts ended when I heard my phone ring, it was Taeyeon. I debated to myself whether to answer it or decline the call. I don’t want to ruin this evening, nor do I want Jiyong to hear us, I don’t know, shouting?

But Jiyong was faster than my fingers, he took my cell phone to his hand and answered for me.

“Taeyeon?" He said as he looked at me, swatting my hand away, "I'm with her right now, do you mind giving this as our time?"

It amazes me about how he still smiles even if his words were spatted with disgust. He ended the call and returned the phone to me and this time, his smile wasn't wicked, it was warm.

Stop, if I got used to that, it would be hard to move from there. Please, stop.

I looked away and felt my phone vibrate inside my palm.

"I'll give this so-called moment to you but when you get home, we’ll talk. Go home."

A sigh left my mouth as soon as I finished reading her text. This would be a long night.