10. Off cam Part I

This wasn’t in any of my plans, trust me. I don’t even know what I am doing here right now. I should’ve been with my doctor, asking for random scans and tests to see the condition of my heart, but now, I’m here, dragged by the only Kwon Jiyong.

“Hyo, come here,” Jiyong pointed at the small store beside the convenience store and dragged me again, “we should have the same bracelets because this is our first date!” and slightly pushed me to the side, leaving me gaping at his naughty actions.

There are some who follow us with their meticulous eyes. Not that I am complaining nor conscious, but rather I am afraid of what will happen to Jiyong, and never to myself.

If one day he’ll wake up with rumors about us, would he still continue to become my friend, like this? I wish.

“Jiyong, are you taking me as a joke again?” I nudged my elbow slightly at his waist, earning myself an offended look from him.

“Well, are you?”

When he stopped from moving around and turned to look at me with his serious face, my world seemed to stop too. No, I am not falling, I feel so nervous, I didn’t know what to do.

People who were following us, stopped the same way that we did. Multiple flashes were heard and some even had their torches on in this broad daylight. All they ever wanted to have was the evidence and some comments about how the Big Bang’s leader is with the shadowed Girls’ Generation member that I am today.

“I can’t understand you Jiyong,” I said staring at those brown eyes, literally minding our own world right now, “are you seriously kidding me right now?”

If people would be able to let us hear what’s on their minds, probably all we could ever listen to right now are their doubts and questions regarding the status of our relationship.

As nervous as I am right now, there he seems-- I don’t know. Complacent?

“Hyo, I know that I look really good,” Jiyong’s serious face slowly turned into a slight grin, “and I know that you like that too,” he said, leaving me to take care of my burning cheeks and throbbing chest.

I repeat, none of these was any part of my plan at all.

I softly pushed him away from me and turned my face away from him. Just anything to stop him from looking at my reddened face right now. I can feel him. I can feel his hands lingering on mine and his touch slowly ghosting over mine. I just--

I can feel him.

That was why I ran away.

Maybe it was because of the awkward tension I have been feeling or maybe it was because of me just really wanting to go to my appointment right away, but all I ever wanted to do right now is to escape this feeling.

The people who were once forming an audience around us slowly dispersed and gave me a way to run to. I gave them my smile, like the old time, I can always smile for them.

Running past the buildings, I was easily able to go into the parking lot and find my car, until a hand held mine, enveloping it inside its warmth. It didn’t need a genius to know who it was, it only needed a hand to do so, “Jiyong, I really have to go to my appointment,” I said without bothering to look at him and just walked briskly towards my car, leaving his hands on mine.

He argued with me about him wanting to just go and get us a couple bracelets that I did not find necessary. But he stayed there, looking at me like I am fragile, something of which he wanted to protect, hence I stopped looking for anything else but him.

I stared at his eyes, waiting for each other’s voice to fill the deafening silence, he opened his mouth and closed it, repeating it for two more times before sighing, “Can’t I bring you there? Don’t you think I can, somehow, be there for you and be your support as your boyfriend?”

If the world earlier stopped spinning, now, even my breath seemed to hitch. I held it in and encompassed myself with this scenario in front of my eyes.

It was so dreamy that I doubted myself if I deserved it, but he always managed to brighten up my day.

“I’ll marry you someday, Hyoyeon,” Jiyong said and left me.

He for sure knew that I would definitely wait for him.

Even if he’s someone who I can’t have because he likes someone and someone I care for likes him-- Yuri.

In the last two months that I have left in this group, I wanted them to know what I am actually feeling. I need to clarify and open up to them, even if they probably didn’t need that. I want them. I want this to be back.

My thoughts momentarily stopped when a hand came on my wrist and poked me, “unnie, can we take a picture?” which I replied with a smile.

I looked around, seeing a number of people around me. All I could see were their hand holding up their phones, capturing every moment I breathed in this exact location.

After giving all the fanservice that I could offer, they softly gave me their gratitude and left me here, alone. Not that I am complaining, maybe I was just really tired of being alone.

I continued walking towards my car until I spotted a very familiar van two meters away from me. I squinted my eyes hard and tried hard to deduce the people inside, and that is when Tifanny got out.

She was walking freely, that it also scares me because slowly and surely, I knew, she was walking towards me.

“Hyo!” She squealed when she hugged me.

I touched my face and asked myself, are any of these real?

“Hyo, I’m sorry, I never realized about that,” there were sobs and a finger pointing at my chest.

She knew-- they knew.

“I am really sorry. I knew I was mean and I’m ed up, I knew-- I know,” Tiffany straight up told me, almost as if she was rapping with how fast her words spilled out of , “I knew that,” nudging at my chest, “I knew that what we did were wrong, that is why I’m here,” I could see her eyes water.

If people say that I am a heartless woman, this moment itself could prove them wrong. Seeing Tiffany bawl her eyes out, in front of me, touches my heart in so many ways I didn’t know was possible. It hurts me, it almost kills me, but the person I am holding inside my arms is a member, a friend, and who knows how thankful I am for this day?

“But you did send me that message, right?”

“It was not me, trust me,” Tiffany managed to speak through her cries, “they took my phone and did all of that,” and hugged me, burrowing her head on the crook of my neck.

Her tears barely wet my neck, but the way she’s holding me right now made my eyes close, preventing my tears from falling. I tried hard to reach out to her face, even if my eyes betrayed me, I did her first before I did myself.

“Can I call you Miyoung again?”

It was a whisper that I wished she could hear, but the moment she tightened her arms around me and looked into my eyes despite her makeup running over her face, she didn’t need to voice out her answer.

Her head nodding up and down was an enough indication.

Welcome back, my number 1 fangirl.

I gave her my usual warm smile, and she probably knows what I am worried about.

“I can’t tell them about you, of course. I followed you here because,” she wiggled her brows at me, “GD and you,” and giggled whilst having the tears on her cheeks.

She looked quite crazy, but the crazy that I love.

We kept on bantering over G-Dragon and I being a thing, and we all know that the number 1 fangirl that I have, will believe anything that she wants to believe. She wanted me to be happy, to be healthy, but she didn’t know how to do that.

In fact, I don't even know how to do that either.

Our moment was interrupted by a call which she gladly took. With her sorry eyes, she scrunched her face at me and bid me goodbyes, "Taeng's looking for me, byeー" and eventually ran away.

I roamed my eyes around quickly before shouting at her, "let's surprise them!"

Maybe this was okay, what happened was okay. I have Miyoung with me, and there's basically 6 more to go. I am happy, so ing happy that it scares me.

Please make this last?

I walked towards my car and finally had my time. Without anything else to do but stare at nothing and overthink, I felt my phone vibrate.

There was a message. One from Miyoung and one from Jiyong.

Miyoung’s message was simply informing me to text her on her new phone number but what concerns me is what’s written on Jiyong’s message, “Hyo, some things happened. Go to your doctor right now. I’m sorry.”

Reading that didn’t hurt me, only that I feel worried. Is he okay?

Minding what’s happening over Jiyong, my thoughts also drifted off to myself; I should’ve been at my appointment hours ago. I went inside my car, feeling heavy. Worries and feelings pooled inside my chest as I went to my doctor.

Upon arriving at the clinic, my doctor’s face was in shock., “Isn’t your next appointment in the next 6 days?” and urged me to sit in front of him, “what prompted you to come here?”

“I had an attack earlier,” I started, “it wasn’t that bad, but I think, it has to be reported to you.”

“Did you drink your painkillers?” The doctor reached out to his notepad and scribbled something on it. In front of him is the computer, that shone light on to his tired face.

I nodded slightly at him, too tired to speak, instead he gave me a small smile and wrinkled his nose, “I can sense you’re really out of it? Go outside, Hyoyeon, have some fun, you deserve that,” and gave me a grip on my hand.

He has been my doctor for years because he is somehow one of the few people that actually cares. He remains neutral whenever I tend to spill my emotional being to him, even if he’s not my psychologist, he listens, he tries so hard, and that compassion he gave, somehow touches my heart.

So yes, I like him, but not in that way.

He stood me up and pushed me around to get out, “have an actual fun Hyoyeon, okay?” and closed the door.

There I was, standing outside his clinic, watching the clock tick in front of his door. I didn’t know where to go. Should I go back to the dorm? Should I go back to 2ne1’s? Should I go back to anywhere right now?

I don’t know.

But what I know is that I wanted to be away.

That was why when I stepped inside my car, I immediately drove towards the nearest mall with the least people I could have encountered. Having my eyeglasses to cover at least my eyes, few were still able to recognize who I am. Their phones way up their heads, their little squeals and their touches that makes me feel quite uncomfortable now that I am feeling quite a lot of things, were all well-received by me because I have SNSD to protect.

I almost ran inside the restaurant, desperate to have my personal space and time. I ordered as fast as I could, sat on the farthest corner I could find, but what struck me the most is a figure that is very familiar to me.

The bright blonde hair tucked inside his cap and his milky white skin were all too familiar to me; and when his head bobbed up and munched over the food, that was when the uncertain feelings that pooled up inside my chest became clear as day to me-- it was Jiyong.

But with Kiko.

Mizuhara Kiko.

(Hi! This is an author’s note. So after so many years, I finally had the courage and motivation to continue and translate my original series written in Filipino, Life of Kim Hyoyeon. I am currently editing that series because there are A LOT to correct such as the facts, storyline itself, grammar, and the portrayal. Just like what I did with the original series, this series translated to English will also undergo editing because I am really not satisfied. I decided to post this still for the people who are waiting for the update so thank you very much! Expect for a lot of corrections in the previous chapters and a kind of slow update because I am trying to finish most of my unfinished stories. Thank you for staying and supporting this and my other stories! If you have any recommendation or questions, feel free to comment or message me!)