The next day wasn't any calmer than the one before. It was Sunday and, hence, my last free day before I had to return to school. The thought of lessons and my classmates made me feel sick though. And although I wasn't the best student out there I had already finished my homework days ago, so I was basically free to do whatever I wanted today. Since I usually got up earlier than Kibum and Jinki, although Kibum had to work today, I would practice dancing in the living room, wearing headphones. But today I didn't feel like it. So I sat in my room, not doing anything at all until I got an idea.
I scribbled a note on a piece of paper and left it on the kitchen table for Jinki to find once he got up. From then on I hurried so much that everything seemed to happen in a sort of blur. Before I even knew what had happened I had showered, washed up, got changed and left the apartment with my bus ticket in my hand.

The graveyard.

Today was my last chance … the last time I actually had time to go.

I hurried down the stairs, briefly greeted Mrs. Kim from the apartment on our opposite and rushed to the nearest bus station. I barely got the one that had just arrived but managed to get on. It was a bit embarrassing, running to get a bus and then standing there while panting as if I had just run a marathon. But I tried to ignore it and just put my headphones on. I liked listening to music whenever I was using public transportation. Without music it would just be painfully boring.
I gripped onto the handle next to me so I wouldn't fall. The music was really loudly and I found myself itching to dance. The way people were staring at me made me a little uncomfortable, but in the end I didn't really care much. Instead I tried to focus.

I had to find Kim Jonghyun's grave again.

I tried hard to remember how I got there in the first place and decided to get off the bus at the chapel the funeral had been in. It took a long while, but when the bus finally stopped I was the last one inside and to get off. I ignored the way the bus driver was looking at me and just hurried off in the direction of the chapel – apparently there hadn't been another funeral inside yet, there was still the name of my grandma and the date from a week ago on the small blackboard at the front. I went around it and to the back where we had left the hall inside and traced my steps towards where the road split into two ways. I knew my grandma's grave was down the right path, so I took the left one.
During the time it had taken me to come here it had gotten really chilly and I thanked the heavens that I remembered to take an umbrella and one of my uncle's scarfs with me. Because just when I had put on the red scarf it had started raining heavily. Since none of what I was wearing was waterproof I stood beneath a cherry blossom tree, the umbrella and the branches protecting me from getting wet. I looked around a little and widened my eyes when, in the distance, I could spot the small tombstone that I knew had to belong to Kim Jonghyun. I was itching to just run there, but forced myself to wait until most of the raining had stopped. And, once it did, I started running. I ran and only stopped once I was right in front of the grave, taking a look around. Everything looked exactly the same as last week and it made me happy to see that Kim Jonghyun's tombstone was still clean and perfectly fine.

“Kim?” I called out with a soft voice and looked around. He was nowhere to be seen. “Kim! Kim, it's me, Taemin!” I tried again, this time a little louder. My heart was hammering when I could still not spot him anywhere. But I refused to give up. “Kim!” I shouted over the sound of rain dripping onto the ground. I shouted again and again, my grip on my umbrella was tightening.
There was a feeling creeping up inside of me … what if he wasn't here?
I walked around the grave for a while, shouting his name into all directions. My eyes had watered and I had to bite my tongue in order not to cry out of frustration – please, he had to be here.

For a long time I just continued to shout but gave up in the end. I was cold, my socks and lower parts of my jeans were soaking wet and I was utterly upset.

Why was he not here?

By now it had stopped raining and I was standing in front of the tombstone again, my eyes were fixed to the engraving of his name and the musical notes that were decorating the stone. My heart was hammering painfully hard in my chest and my eyes were teary. “And where have you vanished to …” I mumbled and clenched my fists to try and endure the heart ache I was experiencing. “… Kim Jonghyun …?” I stared at the stone for a while, not even knowing why I would suddenly ask a stone a question. My mind was wandering again as I slowly sat down in the wet grass beneath me.
Had Kim Jonghyun had had a good life …? Had his death been very painful …? How had he lived?
“Stop …” I mumbled to myself. “Who … cares …”

“I care.”
I let out a yelp and almost jumped out of my skin when I heard his voice right next to my ear. My heart felt like it would jump out of my throat and was hammering against my ribcage. I cursed and hastily rubbed my eyes as I spun around to look at him.

There he was.

He was wearing the exact same clothes as before, his hair was also the same and he was still not wearing any shoes. The smile that was spread on his face was beautiful and it made me want to forgive him for scaring me. And, even though I wondered why he only responded to me now when I had just spent easily twenty minutes with shouting his name, I felt relief wash over me and itched to get up and hug him – I stopped myself though.
“You scared me.” I told him and frowned a little. He was still smiling and sat down next to me – his movements still made no noise. “I've been calling for you. Didn't you hear?”

“No, I didn't.” he replied. His voice still sent shivers down my spine. I raised my brows but decided to leave it be and just nodded. For some reason I felt nervous and relieved at the same time. “But … why are you here?” he asked after a few minutes had passed. “Shouldn't you be with your parents? Or at school?” I blinked and pouted a bit when I replied: “Do you dislike me being here that much?”

“What?” it made my heart flutter when he tilted his head to the side and smiled at me. “Not at all. I'm just wondering. Don't feel so attacked.”

“I'm not!” I looked back at him and felt my cheeks starting to burn. “I didn't mean it like that …”

“It's alright. So … why are you here?”

“I …” I thought for a moment, not sure whether I should tell him that I had come back to find him. It felt embarrassing, knowing that I had been so excited to just see his face again. So I decided to lie. “I wanted to come see my grandmother … and I got lost.”

“Again?” Kim grinned at me. He didn't look like he believed me and I was thankful that he didn't pressure me on telling the truth. “Well … maybe someday you'll find her grave without getting lost.”

“Maybe.” I laughed a bit. When I hugged my knees I noticed how he glanced down my body and furrowed his brow. He hesitated before asking: “Aren't you getting wet? And cold?” I noticed how his hand itched to move, but he suppressed it and put it back down on the grass.
“Not really.” a pout formed on my lips as I lied. “I don't mind.” I stayed silent for a bit and tried to ignore how he was staring at me from the side. My heart felt a little heavy in my chest and my breathing was a bit flat. Although I tried to suppress it I couldn't cope with it anymore and mumbled: “I'm … feeling weird.” Kim sat up right away and leaned down so he could take a closer look at me. He looked very worried.
“Are you ill?” he mumbled and just continued to look at me. I felt a bit weirded out by his stare and wondered why he wouldn't touch me or comfort me at all. “Maybe you need to get out of the rain …”

“No, it's just … a weird feeling. I'm gonna be fine.” when he smiled a little I couldn't help but to smile as well and rested my chin on my knees. He looked really handsome with his slightly crooked smile and fringe falling into his eyes. I could figure that he was the reason I was feeling weird, but I would never admit that, of course. Instead I enjoyed the time we spent looking at each other but eventually broke the silence by asking whether he had any siblings.
Kim frowned a bit upon that question and just shrugged. “I used to have a sister.” he said and stared off into the distance. “She was a sweetheart.”

“Was?” I blinked. “Is she … gone?” I enhanced it on purpose to make it obvious what I was thinking and he seemed to get it. He looked saddened but just nodded before he said: “Yes, she's gone.”
I waited for some kind of explanation which, for some reason, never came. I thought maybe the death of his sister was still fresh so he didn't feel like talking about it, but the expression on his face told me that he had long overcome the sadness of loosing a loved one. So, after a while I decided to go for it. “What happened to her …?”

Once he looked at me I realized I had made a mistake.

His gaze was fierce and defensive, the smile had vanished as well. I saw how he held onto the hem of his shirt and how his free hand went up to touch his nose in thought. He didn't say a single word for a long time before he spoke, very quietly: “I don't wanna be rude, Taemin-ah … but that is none of your business.”

“Oh … oh, okay. I understand.” I forced a smile but felt weirded out by it. Saying that his response didn't hurt a bit would have been a lie, too. “I … sorry.”
Kim blinked at the tombstone in front of us and just said that it was fine. But he didn't look fine. He looked at the stone as if it was something precious, his eyes were glazed with tears and his hands trembled. I pondered on what to do for a moment before slowly reaching out in order to put a hand on his shoulder. His response was nothing I could have expected, because once my hand neared him he backed off and leaned away from me as far as possible so that I couldn't reach him. When I blinked at his weird response he just raised a brow and gestured for me to put my hand down.
“I … don't like physical contact.” he simply said once my hand was resting on my knees again. “So, please, don't.”

“You're acting weird.” I mumbled and furrowed my brow at him. “Really, what's up with you?”
His response was, again, to stare at me. His eyes had returned to their usual, pretty look and his round lips were forming a pout. “You know,” Kim eventually said and his crooked smile returned, “calling me weird when you're the one to come back to a graveyard just to see me … people in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks.” that caused me to blush a deep shade of red which only caused his smile to widen. “So … who's the weird one among us?”

Although he was absolutely right I felt how my pride was hurt and refused to answer to that. Instead I crossed my arms and turned away from him. Although his laugh caused me to shiver because it sounded so lighthearted I didn't turn around. I waited for a bit, not only because I wanted him to apologize for that comment, but also because I wanted to give my cheeks time to cool down and my heart to stop hammering in my chest.
“Okay, okay, I'm sorry.” Kim finally said. I felt how his eyes were on me and that he was leaning in closely, but didn't turn around just yet. “You're not weird.” he kept going, his voice sounded like he was very amused. “I'm the weird one, yes?”

“Yeah.” I agreed.
“So turn around again, please?” he chuckled a bit and sat straight again as soon as I had turned back to him. He was smiling so widely that I noticed how his right eye was smaller than the left one. It looked cute though. “Thank you.”

“You're not forgiven.” I was teasing him because I enjoyed playing around like this. And for a while he joined me in my little game of push-and-pull until I eventually suggested that we took a walk around the graveyard. He seemed reluctant at first but agreed in the end. I shivered a bit when my pants were soaked although it had started raining a while ago already. It was only then that I wondered about Kim's weird choice of clothes.
“You're not cold?” I asked and raised my brows at him since he was only wearing a T-Shirt and had no shoes on. He just shook his head however and said: “Nah, I'm good.”

“I'm freezing just looking at you.” I tried to ignore how he didn't really look wet either and just tried to focus on our conversation. We took a walk around the meadow and down towards the small garden of roses that had once been planted for unknown war victims. It was really beautiful, but Kim seemed to get really emotional seeing those graves and so we passed through the garden quickly and ended up on a playground instead. It looked a little weird, having a playground right next to a field filled with graves and a dark chapel in the background, but, to my surprise, there actually was a mother with her kid there.

“This is crazy …” I told Kim quietly as we walked past the playground. “Who'd want a playground right next to someone's grave? I'd be freaked if my Mom had ever brought me here.”

“Don't judge.” Kim whispered back and chuckled. He looked less weirded out than me. “I think it's a nice idea. Who says the death and living can't play together, anyway …”

“What's that supposed to mean?” I looked at him, now completely freaked by his weird attitude sometimes. I stopped walking. As he glanced at me and smiled I felt a bit embarrassed. “Are you a philosopher or something?”
He let out a bright laugh and nodded quickly, his hair bouncing. “Yes, I am. So, won't you answer my question?”

“I –“ just when I was about to reply to her I heard the Mom from the playground call out to me. She sounded a bit worried.
“Son, are you alright?” she was holding her little daughter's hand as she leaned towards me. I blinked in confusion and nodded.
“Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I be?”
Her expression got even more worried and she glanced around me, even tried to glimpse behind me. I looked at Kim and saw him shrugging, his hands in his pockets. He didn't seem confused at all. “Who are you talking to?” she asked. She even ignored how her daughter pulled at her hand while she waited for my answer.
“My friend?” I half replied, half asked – what kind of stupid question was that. “Are you sure you're alright, Miss?”

“I see …” she blinked and just picked up her child before starting to walk away. I looked after her and got even more confused when she picked up her walking pace.
“That was weird …” I thought aloud. When Kim didn't say anything I looked at him and pouted. “Are you invisible or something?” he didn't bother to reply and just shrugged. A few of his teeth showed when he smiled at me.
I didn't really remember how we ended up on staying at the playground, to be honest. We were both sitting on the swings, next to each other, and just talked. Talking to him made me comfortable, it was like he was the only one who would listen to me without judging me, my marks in school, or my attitude towards things.

“So you didn't really know your grandmother?” he asked once I was done telling the story of how my parents never let me see her. I shook my head in response and moved back and forth on the swing a bit, my feet were dangling in the air.
“Not at all, to be honest. We went to her place for Christmas every year, but … that was about it.”

“That's sad.” he said. “I wouldn't have liked that.”

“You can't miss someone you've never really got to know.”
I had to correct myself in my head though. I had missed Kim so much although I had only ever met him once before … and I couldn't even explain why.
“I think you can.” he countered. “I miss a lot of people whom I didn't really know.”

“Like who?”
When he turned his head to me and just smiled I knew he wasn't going to answer. The way he put a finger to his lips and shook his head had become his universal answer of saying 'I'm not telling' during our conversations. It upset me a little though and so I said: “See, you know a lot about me already but I don't know a single thing about you. Like … who are you? What's your favorite color? Where do you live? What are your hobbies? I don't know anything. I don't even know your real name.”
He remained quiet for a bit before tilting his head to the sides and replying: “I'm Kim, some guy you met on a graveyard a while ago. My favorite color is black and I like music a lot.” he cracked a smile and shrugged as he asked whether that actually helped me out. At first I wasn't sure whether I was satisfied with that response, but decided to be reasonable and be happy that he answered me at all.
“Yes, it does.” I told him and crossed my legs. He raised a brow as if to ask 'Really?' and so I just went on. “Why is your favorite color black? I think black is depressing …”

“I think it's soothing.” he looked a little confused. “Why would it be depressing?” I insisted that black was the color of night and that the dark was scary, but he didn't seem to see it that way at all. Instead he shrugged it off and told me that I had the wrong way of thinking. “Black is soothing. The first color I can remember is black. Without my room being pitch black I can't sleep and not getting sleep is upsetting and unhealthy. The last color we see before dying is black and –“

“Well, that's not true.” I cut him off and shook my head quickly. “The last color we see is white! Like, when people die they see a white light, right? Many people who were involved in near-death experiences said so.”
He looked at me with an absolutely confused look in his eyes and didn't say anything for a long time. Like usually, his hand went up to touch his nose as he thought. Eventually he replied: “I think the last color we see is black. Going back to the first color I've ever seen has something soothing I think … On top of that, if everything is black, no-one will care about how you look. You can hide in the dark … if everything is bright, like white … you can't hide. You'll be exposed. I like to hide.”
Apparently those were going to be his last words and for a moment I just sat there, thinking about what he just said. I could feel what he meant, but I thought different about it. However, I didn't want to correct him as he looked vulnerable talking about this topic. And so we ended up talking about music.

Turned out that he had always loved singing a lot and used to write amateur songs as well. He said his songs were a bit crappy, but I had a feeling they weren't. But when I asked him whether I could ever listen to one of his self-composed songs he tensed a little and replied that he'd rather not. When I insisted though he gave in and told me that he'd sing one once he finished writing it – and that was good enough for me.

We ended up staying out for a long time and I only realized how late it was getting when I received a text from Jinki, asking where I was.
Kim and I were still on the small playground, chatting by the swings, but once I read the text and jumped up he got up as well. “You gotta leave?” he asked, his voice sounding a little sad.
“Yeah … my uncle's husband is worried …”

“Husband?” a grin spread across his face and he nodded. “Alright, then you should get going. Maybe I'll see you around some time?”

“Definitely.” I replied so fast that I felt my cheeks starting to burn again. He laughed at me and pointed at my face, causing me to get self-conscious of myself.
“Cute.” he said quickly and nodded. “Then I'll make sure to look out for you, alright?”

“Alright.” I smiled at him and felt shyness wash over me – he made my heart flutter. “I … should I come visit you at your place next time …?” he looked at me for a while and didn't reply for a long time before he said: “No, let's meet again at Kim Jonghyun's grave.”

“But why?” I was a bit confused and frowned at him. He was acting weird all over again. “Wouldn't your place be nicer than a graveyard?”

“Just leave it.” he insisted and shook his head. “I usually hang around that grave a lot. So let's just meet there.”

“Alright, alright.” I gave him a confused look and sighed, shrugging. “I have school again starting from Monday …”

“Good luck with that.”

“Thanks …” I looked at him for a long time. I didn't want to leave him, but I knew I had to. And how long could one week be, anyway …
“Go now.” he was whining now, but his smile hadn't vanished. In fact, he was grinning. “I'll see you next week, Taemin-ah. Go and earn some good marks at school.”
I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Yeah, right.” and with that I jumped over my shadow and turned away from him, starting to make my way towards the bus station. I placed a hand over my heart and smiled to myself.

I felt like I had finally found myself a friend.



*



3rd chapter done and the 4th one is already being worked on. Thank you for your comments, I feel really happy reading them!

Thanks for reading!!~