“Yoochun?! You are here too?! Omg! It’s like the whole group is together again” changmin shouted happily.

Jaejoong on the other hand didn’t see this as a happy reunion. To him it’s like tigers at the front and wolfs in the back. He can’t help but get nervous as his body begins to go numb. All the memories from the past begin to flash before his eyes as this little setting became familiar. On that day in the hospital, Junsu and Yoochun were behind him pointing at him mean while Yunho and changmin were in front of him also pointing at him. This only triggered the trauma that Jaejoong suffered since childhood.

“Jaejoong? are you okay?” Yunho asked upon noticing the paleness of Jaejoong’s face.

Without saying a word, Jaejoong rushed right pass Changmin and Yunho nearly knocking Yunho back.

“wait Jaejoong!” Junsu called after him

Jaejoong took out his keys but his hand was shaking, in fact his whole body was shaking, he needed to get into his apartment right away. Jaejoong tried to put the key in but wasn’t able to. The others stood there and watched as Jaejoong struggles with his key while his body is shaking.

“Jaejoong?...let me help…” said Changmin as he approached Jaejoong.

He reached his hand out and all Jaejoong see was his finger pointing at him. Jaejoong dropped his key to the floor and bended down as he covered his ear.

“I’m sorry…” Jaejoong begin to mumble “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…”

He continues to mumble these words over and over as his body continue to shake endlessly. Tears were starting to form on the corner of his eyes as he continues to recall those painful memories. To the others, Jaejoong looked like a terrify Child who had been abused.

“It’s wasn’t my fault…it wasn’t my fault…” he sobbed

Just then Yunho bend down and circled his arm around a terrify Jaejoong “it’s okay…everything will be okay…”

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” Jaejoong continues to mumble

“It wasn’t your fault…” Yunho finally spoke the words Jaejoong had desperately wanted to hear.

His body stopped shaking as he lifted his head to look at Yunho who smiled down at him

“What…what did you say?...” Jaejoong asked to confirm

“I say it wasn’t you fault…” Yunho confirmed without realizing how important these words were for Jaejoong. He couldn’t even remember what had happen back then, it was as if he knows how Eun chae passed away but he had no clue as to what Jaejoong was referring to. He just went along with it in hope these were the words that will calm him.

Jaejoong knew very well that Yunho had forgotten and that he doesn’t even know why Jaejoong became so terrify. This made Jaejoong angry, even though it was the words he needed to hear most from Yunho, there were no true meaning behind it. It was just empty words coming out of Yunho’s mouth.

“too cruel…” Jaejoong spoke as he lower his gaze

“huh?”

Jaejoong lifted his head to look at Yunho directly in the eyes as tears streamed down his face “you are too cruel Yunho!!” he snapped taking Yunho by surprise.

Jaejoong took his key and finally open his apartment door before entering and slamming it shut while ignoring the cries from the others.

“Jaejoong! Open the door!” changmin and Junsu bang on the door but it was useless.

Yoochun stood there and watched as Junsu and changmin tried to get Jaejoong to open the door while Yunho sat there on the floor in total shock. He looked at the number of the apartment Jaejoong entered; it was different from the one he saw Jaejoong came out of a few days ago. He then recalls Yunho standing by the apartment next to Jaejoong’s apartment and he finally concluded that this isn’t the first time both Yunho and Jaejoong meet.  The thought of Jaejoong coming out of Yunho’s apartment in the morning made Yoochun burns with Jealousy. He couldn’t understand why it had to be Yunho of all people? Why the one who gave Jaejoong the most pains is the one to come across Jaejoong first. Unlike Yunho, he had always treated Jaejoong with the upmost kindness and always does everything Jaejoong wanted just to see him smile. Yunho did nothing but constantly bully Jaejoong, making him angry and making him cry. Yet in the end it seem Yunho and Jaejoong are destine to come across each other no matter what happen.

“Yunho!” Yoochun’s voice ring through the air as all of them turns to face him “what are you doing here? Did you find out Jaejoong live here and purposely move in to this building to taunt him!”

“what? what are you talking about Yoochun? I move in here without even knowing Jaejoong live here”

“Don’t lie! Don’t you think you already cause him enough grief and pain!”

“oi…Yoochun…cool it” spoke Junsu

Yoochun however was not going to back down “Everything turn out this way because it was you…it was your fault all of us end up this way. It was because of you that the rest of us abandon him! if you hadn’t blame Jaejoong back then, he wouldn’t have to go through depression!!”

“Depression? What are you talking about?” Changmin asked

Yunho’s head was starting to ache again and listening to Yoochun yelling at him for something he don’t even know about is starting to make him angry.

“Yoochun! Cool it!” Junsu finally snapped

“Why are you blaming this on me?! I didn’t do anything to cause Jaejoong to become depress! How could you accuse me of something I didn’t even do?” Yunho shouted

“What? Are you trying to play dumb now?!”

“Will you two just quit it!” Junsu snapped

“I’ll only say this once Yunho…as long as Jaejoong doesn’t forgive me, I’ll never forgive you” Yoochun spoke with true hatred as he walked away.

“Yoochun?!” Junsu called after him but he only ignored him

“Would someone tell me if it’s true that Jaejoong hyung is going through depression?!” changmin asked desperately.

Yunho only stood up, walked pass Changmin and Junsu before entering his apartment before closing the door without saying another word.

“I knew it!! Every time we make plans to hang out something always happen!” changmin shouted in frustration.

“This is more complicated than I thought….but ….” Junsu recall what Yunho had just said and it puzzled him as to why Yunho would say that. Did he forget what he did? Did he somehow erase that moment when he led all of them into a terrible chant against Jaejoong?

Yunho entered his apartment in total anger. He stood in the middle of his living room trying to figure out why Yoochun will blame him for how Jaejoong turns out. From what he could remember, he hasn’t done anything to make Jaejoong act this way.  It wasn’t even his fault and yet Yoochun blamed him. Yunho paced back and forth while taking deep breath to try and calm himself. It has been 10 years since they last saw each other and yet on the first moment of meeting again, Yoochun yelled at him with eyes of hatred. However, the more he thinks about it the more he get confuse. He recalls the look on Jaejoong’s face before storming into his apartment and that clearly shows that Yunho did do something, something he himself had forgotten. Just remembering that hurtful look on Jaejoong’s face pains him, it makes him feel like someone had taken a knife and stabbed him over and over again.

“What did I do to make you have such a painful expression Jaejoong?” Yunho wonder

The harder Yunho tried to remember the more frustrated he become because he wasn’t able to remember at all. He continues to bang himself on the head trying to force himself to remember.

“Come on! Remember damn it!!!” Yunho shouted as he sent another blow to his head ignoring the increasing headache and the aching of his body “DAMN IT!!! WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER!!? WHAT DID I FORGET?! WHAT EXACTLY HAPPEN?!”

Jaejoong rushed through his apartment as his grabed a cigarrete and his lighter. He struggle to light it as he opened the balcony door as cold air rushed into this warm apartment. The warmth of Jaejoong’s body faded as a familiar coldness is felt upon his skin piercing into his flesh. Like usual Jaejoong didn’t wear any shoes as he stepped onto the cold snow below. He took a few puff of his cigarette while remembering what happen a few seconds ago. He had never been too afraid in his entire life. He wasn’t even afraid of death or afraid of jumping from a rooftop building and yet that moment felt like hell. He could still feel his body shaking from that experience. After taking a few puffs from the cigarette like his life depends on it, Jaejoong bends down. With his slender fingers, he digs into his locks of black hair in frustration.

“Have I really become such a coward?” he thought to himself a bit shameful that he would run out of there with his body shaking like a child.

Memories of the past continue to flash before his eyes as he felted like he couldn’t breathe. He begins to cough endlessly as he tried to catch his breath. Upon his coughing, Yunho also exited to his balcony and notice Jaejoong.

“Jaejoong!..” he called out to Jaejoong “I need to ask you something?...”

Jaejoong didn’t even wait as he quickly disappears back into his apartment and slam the glass door shut. His heart was beating rapidly as his body went from shaking to numbness. He slide down and sat on the now cold floor deep in thoughts. The snow around his feet had begun to melt wetting the blue carpet below. Jaejoong recalls all the memories he had shared with everyone especially Yunho when they were still kids. Those were the happiest moments in his entire life. He had treasured everyone like they were his own brothers. They use to smile, laugh and get in trouble together as a group. Jaejoong had felted like their bonds with each other were so strong that nothing could come in between them. In the end it was just a childish thinking. Bonds can never last forever and can easily be broken. But deep down under all the despair and suffering, Jaejoong had hoped that everyone will come back together as one. However he knew this will never happen if he continues to run away. It’s not that he hates them but if he really thinks about it, it is more of a fear. He’s afraid they will point finger at him once again and blames him once more for the death of Eun Chae. Just thinking of this happening makes him scare; he wasn’t able to handle it the first time and will for sure he will not be able to handle it a second time. Just then Jaejoong’s cell phone ringed snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Where the were you hiding last night? Did you actual went to that guy’s house to get ?! Don’t think I’ll just forget about what happen. You better come over right now?!” came the voice of his aggressive partner “oh and tell that little friend of yours, next time he put his nose where it doesn’t belong, I’ll kill him!”

He hangs up the phone as Jaejoong raised any eyebrow wondering who this so call friend is. He begins to think who could have gotten involve in last night’s dispute other than Junsu. Jaejoong didn’t remember referring Junsu as his friend and his partner also thinks of Junsu as a potential partner. Suddenly Jaejoong recall seeing Yunho all bruise up with bandages on his face. If his partner is pisst off last night, he will most likely come looking for Jaejoong at his apartment. This means Yunho must have an encounter with his partner and end up getting beat up in his place.  An image of Yunho smiling and humming while cooking in his kitchen flashed before his eyes as he clinched his cell phone tightly.

Flash back

“Are you really okay living your life this way? Is this really your idea of happiness!?” shouted Junsu

End

Jaejoong lower his gaze and begin to wonder if this is how he is going to be for the rest of his life until death finally knocks at his door.

Later that night Yunho had skipped work but he wasn’t his usual cheerful self. What happen this morning continues to bothers him. He sat by his dining table drinking by himself while deep in thoughts. He hated the fact that he couldn’t remember what he did none the less he couldn’t forget that tear stained face of Jaejoong. Every time he remembers it, it makes his chest hurts as if all the air in his body has been out. He had never felted this horrible; the last time he felt like this was when he woke up from that accident a few years ago. He turns his attention to the small book shelf by the TV where a picture of everyone stood. They were all smiling happily and full of excitement because it was everyone’s first time going camping. Just then Yunho felt an overwhelming headache as images of two boys fighting near the water flash before his eyes. He sees a young girl shouting at them as she reached for the smaller boy. The pain faded along with the images before Yunho was able to confirm who the boys are and who the girl is.

“Why do I keep seeing this images? Are they my forgotten memories? If so, could I be one of those boys fighting by the river?” Yunho wondered to himself.

Yunho figures he should call his mom and this time pressure her to tell him the secret she is keeping from him. Maybe she knows something about his past that had cause Jaejoong to look at him with such sad and hurtful eyes and why Yoochun was so angry at him. He was just about to dial his mom’s number when he heard a sudden noise outside his apartment. It sounded like something falling as he stood up and opened his door. He looked to his left and then to his right before noticing Jaejoong sitting on the ground up against the wall.

“Jaejoong?..” Yunho walked over to Jaejoong and notice bruise and cuts on his face and hand while he is clinching onto his stomach as if he had suffer a terrible blow.

“what happen?!” Yunho shouted full of concern as he kneeled next to him “don’t tell me you went to see that baster?!”

He reached to help Jaejoong but he only slapped Yunho’s hand away.

“don’t touch me…” Jaejoong spoke as if he’s trying to control his anger

“You need help Jaejoong?”

Yunho tried again but Jaejoong refused to allow Yunho to touch him. At this moment Yunho notice something on Jaejoong’s hair, it was clear but sticky. Just thinking about what this substance could be made Yunho angry. He grabbed Jaejoong by his arm “get up Jaejoong…”

Once again Jaejoong yanked his arm away from Yunho “stay out of my business and my life…that is all I ask of you Yunho…just pretend I don’t exist, that will be better for the both of us…”

Jaejoong struggled to stand up but Yunho was not going to let this go. He wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol he had been drinking and made his mind a total mess but he grab onto Jaejoong and force him into his apartment. He dragged Jaejoong toward the bathroom and shoved him into the tub. Yunho turn on the cold water before spraying Jaejoong drenching him from head to toe with his clothes still on. This sudden action from Yunho took Jaejoong by surprise.

“Did that calm you down?” Yunho asked in anger “what were you thinking Jaejoong? Going to see that guy again is only putting yourself in danger? I saw him last night and the looks in his eyes is deadly. I was hoping you wouldn’t go see him but I guess you must be very stupid because you did go. What would you do if he ends up killing you?”

“He won’t kill me…” Jaejoong spoke softly

“and what makes you think he won’t kill you?”

Jaejoong lifted his head to meet Yunho’s eyes before grinning “because I’m his favorite toy”

Yunho finally snapped as he slapped Jaejoong across the face taking him by surprise. Jaejoong touched the spot where he had been hit as it begins to turn a bright red color. He looked at Yunho in total shock but nothing surprise him more than the looks in Yunho’s eyes. It was filled with so much sadness, pain and anger that it actually made Jaejoong feels like he had done something terrible.

“What can I do?...” Yunho asked in anger “what can I do to make you stop this? I know I might have something to do with how you turn out and it’s cruel of me to forget but I tried…I tried so hard to remember so that I can make everything right, so that I can apologize but no matter what I do I can’t remember! So tell me what you want me to do so you will stop, so you will smile again?!” He looked at Jaejoong in the eyes “What do you want me to say or do so that you will live Jaejoong?! So you will be happy again?! Even if you asked me for my life, I’ll happily give it to you!!! So just tell me because I’m losing my mind!!?” he shouted.

A long silence filled the room, the only sound they could hear were the running water. It was as if the world had stood still as neither of them spoke a word. Yunho finally turn around and left the bathroom as Jaejoong remained in the tub still drenched in water. He recalls the looks in Yunho’s eyes and felt his heart raced as his chest tightens at the thought that he had finally made Yunho mad. This time Yunho will for sure disappear from his life again and everything will return to how it once was. However this thought did not make Jaejoong happy, unknowingly Yunho had already pierced through the darkness Jaejoong had been carrying in his heart. The thought of returning to that empty life with nothing more the waiting for death made him sad. He didn’t want it, he didn’t want to return to that once darken place. Tears were starting to form in Jaejoong’s eyes when the bathroom door opened as Yunho returned with a first aid kit, clothes and a pack of ice.

“Here, put this on your cheek before it start to swell” Said Yunho as he placed the ice pack upon Jaejoong’s red cheek.

He turn off the water before he opened the box and to Jaejoong’s surprise, Yunho begin to tend to his wound “we need to get this taken care of before it gets infected…”

He lifted Jaejoong’s chin up toward the light and with a swab, he put some cream on it before putting it upon the cut on the corner of Jaejoong’s mouth “don’t misunderstand, I’m still angry at you Jaejoong and I will not apologize for hitting you…”

After Yunho finish tending to Jaejoong’s wound he stood up “change your clothes before you get sick…”

Once again he exited the bathroom leaving Jaejoong alone. After a few minutes Jaejoong also exited the bathroom wearing Yunho’s clothes. He walked to the kitchen and see Yunho sitting at the dining table with a can of beer in his hand. He is resting his head upon his head in frustration.  Jaejoong walked over to Yunho and pulled a chair across from Yunho before sitting down.

“can I get one?” he asked

Yunho was a bit startled upon his suddenly request but none the less he give him a can. Jaejoong open it and drink a few gulps before setting it onto the table. There was an awkward silence between them as they sat there across from each other without saying a word or even look at each other. Surprisingly it was Jaejoong who was the first to spoke.

“I heard from JI-hoon that he beat you up last night…?” Jaejoong asked to confirm

Yunho only let out a heavy sigh before leaning back against his chair “I didn’t get beat up…I just didn’t want to fight back…”

“Still the same as getting beat up…” Jaejoong retorted

Yunho wasn’t able to say anything else because Jaejoong is right; it is the same as getting his kicked hard.

“Are you…okay?” Jaejoong asked showing a bit of concern over Yunho’s health

Yunho on the other hand couldn’t help but smiled upon Jaejoong’s question “I’m fine…it wasn’t something I can’t handle…” he took another gulp of his beer.

Another silence filled the room but Jaejoong spoke “sorry…”

Yunho looked at Jaejoong with his eyes wide open in total shock “it’s alright…It was my fault for getting involve, I could have just ignored him as he pound on your door but…you are my friend Jaejoong either  you think the same or not…I just can’t ignore that…”

Jaejoong lower his gaze and stared at his can of beer without saying a word. To Jaejoong, Yunho is the same as when they were kids. Even though he constantly bullied Jaejoong, it was him who drove the other bullies away. He recalls them being 6 years old when Jaejoong got bullied for looking like a girl. Yunho end up beating them up and clearly stated to the entire class that only he gets to bully him, anyone else who touch Jaejoong will have Yunho to answer to. Jaejoong was scare of Yunho but at the same time he was relief and happy over the fact that only Yunho get to bully him.  

“10 years…” Jaejoong spoke

Yunho looked at him “huh?...”

“do you…really not remember anything?...” Jaejoong asked unsure if he should be opening up the past if Yunho had forgotten it.

Yunho lower his gaze in sadness “to be honest…I remember everything, the only that seem to frustrate me is that fact that Yoochun is angry at me blaming me for how you turned out  and for being the one who broke up the group. You also show expression of anger and pain which confirmed what yoochun had said to me…it makes me feel that maybe there was something in the past that I had forgotten and yet it hurts not remembering it…”

Another silence filled the room as they both begin to drink their can of beer. As the clock struck midnight, Yunho and Jaejoong had passed out from drinking too much. They were still sitting at the dining table with their head down and empty can of beer surrounds them. It was Jaejoong who first wake up as he looked around. To his surprise he was still in Yunho’s apartment. He turns to look at the sleeping Yunho and developed this urge to touch him. Jaejoong reached over and was about to brush his bangs aside when Yunho stir in his sleep as Jaejoong quickly pulled back. He shook his head to get this thought out before standing up. He only took a step when Yunho spoke in his sleep.

“Jaejoong ah…sorry…I’m so sorry…” He mumbled those words as a single tear falls from his eye.

This surprised Jaejoong as his heart begin to race and his body became warm. The heart he thought has stopped beating for others has once again started beating. It has been beating none stop ever since Yunho came back into his life. The world that had stopped moving suddenly started to move once again as the black and white world he once lived in quickly filled with warm color. The sounds that he had locked out begin to come back as he is no longer hearing his heart slowly beating away. Just then he felted like something is standing behind him as he turns around and there stood a little girl in a blue dress. Rather than the disappointed look on her face, she was smiling at him whole heartily.

“Is this…what you want me to do?...” Jaejoong found himself talking to the little girl

“In time the pain will fade…until then…live for me Jaejoong…” She spoke softly before vanishing

To Jaejoong the term live means he will have to changed everything and face the fact that his life is pretty pathetic. He is not sure if he is ready to face the past, face his decision and face reality. He turns to look at Yunho and see him sleeping soundlessly with tears. Jaejoong reached over and with his finger and slowly wipe away the tears.

“Why must it be you Yunho? I should be hating you…I should be treating you coldly and yet everything changed the day I saw you on the balcony…now I’m not sure if god is punishing me or telling me to live like Eun chae…was sending you and everyone else back to my life a sign that my life isn’t going to end yet and that there is still a purpose for me to continue breathing?”

Next morning around 9 am, a young girl exited the airport as she climbed into a cab.

“Where would you like to go miss?” the driver asked

“Can you take me to this address?” she handed him a piece of paper.

He looked at it for a bit before turning back to her “but miss…this apartment is very old, are you sure you want to go there?”

The girl smiled “it’s okay…I’m visiting someone there”

“A friend?”

“No…my fiancée…”

To be continue…………