CHAPTER 11- I'M NOT HER

 

NO ONE'S POV

 

            Irene looked in front of the mirror, panting real hard as she practiced the dance steps Bomi and Hoseok taught them earlier. They were pretty difficult steps and the girls left earlier calling it a day with their already aching bodies. Irene only wanted some distraction, something to keep her head away from everything else so she decided to stay.

 

            Without her knowledge, someone was watching over her from outside their door. He coughed to let his presence known. Irene clicked on the pause button of the remote control and turned.

 

            "Oh, Kim Seokjin-ssi."

 

            "Kim Seokjin-ssi? Why so formal? Just Jin is alright. You even already called me Eomma before." He laughed at the thought of it.

 

            "Really?! I didn't know I called you that." The two sat down on the floor against the mirror as Irene out here ponytail to tie up her hair.

 

            "So, what brought you here? Did you really want to be a celebrity?" He asked Irene.

 

            "No not really, I was just passing by after applying for university three years ago and just wanted to see where Tiffany-sunbaenim works when somebody casted me. So, I don't know. I just tried out using one of her songs. I was surprised I got chosen." Irene laughed at the memory, remembering how awkward she was before when she started.

 

            "And now you are the leader of your team. You've come a long way, Irene. Good job." Jin suddenly stood up and held out his hand to Irene. "I guess you haven't had your dinner yet. Go and change. Let's have dinner."

 

            "You're treat, President? Coz you see, I'm really starving," she said, giving off a slight smile, as she took his hand while he helped pull her up.

 

            "Yes, and no diet for you today, Ms. Bae. You look worn out," Jin replied.

 

            "Assa!" Irene walked to their changing room as she heard Jin's gentle voice chuckle behind her but as soon as she got in, her expression changed. How could this man be the same cousin of the person she wanted to stay away from? The same man who helped her?

 

JINWOO'S POV

 

            I looked at Starlight Ent.'s building from the outside. There was still light emanating from Red Velvet's dance practice room. I already saw all the four other girls come out which means only Irene is left. I really want to talk to her, better yet touch her. I waited there until I saw the lights turn off from their room but well, no sign of Irene came out of the building. So much for my luck.

 

            I called the boys. We decided to meet at our favorite bar to grab some drinks. One by one they arrived and ordered their shots.

 

            "So, you mean, Heeyeon thought of the same thing?" Minho asked after hearing the news of them become our image models.

 

            "In the end, you and Heeyeon still have the same way of thinking. It never fails," Seungyoon commented.

 

            I turned the shot glass in between my finger and the table. Heeyeon. I was surprised to meet her a while ago in Starlight. Left alone the fact that she also came up with the same suggestion as I did. "I'm bothered though," I said to the boys.

 

            "Why?" Seunghoon asked.

 

            "About Heeyeon and Irene. Heeyeon already saw Irene's pictures in my box. I'm pretty sure she is well-aware it was Irene," I said.

 

            The boys stayed silent for a while when Taehyun broke his silence, "Ey, I don't really think Noona can be that mean. Anyway, I met Wendy a while ago. She said they didn't know whether to be happy or not with the offer, but still would like to say thanks. They’ll try their best."

 

            We took some more drinks and decided to call it a night. The bays also had better things to do. Seunghoon said he still has to finish a landscape he has to present in two days. Minho and Seungyoon are headed to Japan the next day while Taehyun's Dad said he wants to meet him up.

 

            I drove back home. I saw another car's headlight. I realized it was Heeyeon's car. We both parked our cars beside each other. I tried acting as if I didn't see her but I guess it really took over me.

 

            "What made you think of having them as models?" I asked her as I stepped out of the car. She looked at me, bemused and just shook his head.

 

            "I guess I should be the one asking you that. Anyway, I don't want to make big fuss over it. Let's just leave it as it is. Anyway, looking at the five of them, they do fit the concept we are trying to build up. And don’t you like it? You can always have her near" She closed the car and left me there. I remained outside and sat on one of the benches beside the rose bush.

 

            You are so close now to your dream of debuting, Irene. Somehow, that also meant that we should be kept apart. If I had to choose a life of not having you at all from seeing you from a distance, I'd rather have you from a distance.

 

JIN'S POV

 

            I watched at Irene's figure as she walked towards me with her sling bag in tow. I took it from her.

 

            "Aniyo. How can I let the future president of Starlight carry my bag for me?" she said, as she took away her bag from me.

 

            "Then that makes me ungentlemanly," I quickly took it from her and held her back guiding her out of the dance practice room. I felt elated just by holding her.  My heart raced feeling her next to me.

 

            "You must already be really hungry aren't you?" she said as she followed me. She had a smile on her face but something about her seemed to spell being bothered by something.

 

            "Yeah, I starved waiting for you to finish practicing," I whined and pouted.

 

            "Yah, I did not know you were waiting for me. You should have told me." She slapped my arm in a joking manner and I grabbed the area she hit and acted as if it really hurt. "Oh my gosh, sorry for hurting you Sir."

 

            "Aigoo, look at you. How could you act that way to me?" I said and laughed. We entered a seafood restaurant and started picking out fresh, live fishes, crabs and shells for the crew to cook for us. We took a table and waited for our food to be cooked.

 

            "Oh the smell is so nice. I could eat an elephant." Irene drew a deep breath while closing her eyes. She is so beautiful, I thought. The scene at the dance studio suddenly played in my head again making me worried about here again.

 

            Back at the studio, when I brought Caleb with me, I noticed how stiff she was when we arrived in the practice room. I tried to act oblivious on what was happening to her but I can't help but notice that even the other girls and Gyuri Noona seemed awkward although the four other girls seemed to act happy about the modelling offer.

 

            I stared at her as she gobbled down her food. I'm happy that she seems to be really comfortable around my presence now and now that we are under one company, I get to see her everyday but she still seemed mysterious to me. The hurt she is holding within her, why she seemed awkward with Caleb there must be something between them that I do not know yet. I was curious as to what that could be but I don't want to rush Irene.

 

            "Hey, why aren't you eating?" Irene's voice snapped me out of my deep thoughts. I blinked twice and took my chopsticks.

 

            "Oh, I was just thinking," I said.

 

            "About your girlfriends you left heartbroken in the States?" she said smiling.

 

            "Aigoo, I'm no playboy."

 

            "With that kind of face? I don't think so," she sniggered.

 

            I suddenly moved my plate forward and moved towards her. We are now face to face, so close to each other, I can feel her breath touch my face. "So you think I'm handsome?"

 

            Her pupils shook and I can see her flustered expression. I also felt my cheeks burn and my stomach do a backflip because of our distance. I suddenly sat back and placed a big piece of octopus meat in my mouth. "Let's eat."

 

            We continued eating quietly and after dinner, I decided to send her to her dorm. We didn't talk much. I suddenly regretted what happened a while ago.

 

            "Thanks for the dinner and the ride, Jin," she said before going down the car.

 

            "You're welcome." I watched her as she walked to the building but before I am able to turn my engine on again, she turned around and ran back to me. She bent down, leveling her face to me by the window. "Oh, you forgot something?"

 

            "Hmmm, ani. I just wanted to say regarding the modelling and our nearing debut, I'll work hard and do my best. I hope I won't disappoint you. And, also, thank you verymuch. For everything." What she did next was beyond my surprise. She kissed me on the cheeks! I feel like a weirdo, staring at her oddly in shock. She stood back, waved goodbye and went in to the building complex to their dorm. There I was, like a fool. Like some kind of robot with some malfunctioning parts. This is weird. And I like this weird feeling.

 

HANI'S POV

 

            It was my first day in the office but everything started out to be so hectic. Meetings here, planning over there, papers to be signed next and all the so called things you usually do in the office. I was exhausted and I really need a break.

 

            "Aigoo, we are very sorry Maam. This is your first day but we weren't able to give you a proper welcome," said my Assistant Manager, Park Sohyun.  "Anyway, I arranged a small get together in the noraebang just across the building. Let's all go."

 

            "Ah, that's so nice of you," I said. Everyone was so excited that they already started cleaning up their desks. Girls retouched on their make-up. One of my male staffs suddenly spoke.

 

            "Let's invite President Kim!" My excitement was suddenly drowned with disappointment over him announcement. I can't show how I truly feel though so I just mustered a smile. They told me to call him so I just allowed it.

 

            "Jinwoo-yah," I said through the speaker as soon as our line connected. "Uhm, the staff members organized a little welcome party for me. Can you come?" I wasn't expecting anything. I was thinking he'd say he is busy, he has someone he has to meet or any kind of excuses he could make but to my surprise, he said yes.

 

            "Jinjja?" I said, making sure that I was hearing it right.

 

            "Yes, I'll be there, Heeyeon. Let me just finish what I'm doing here." He does sound serious. I hope he is telling the truth because I really hate being stood up.

 

            "Ok, I'll be expecting you there."

 

            Now fast forward to the party. Everyone was enjoying the party when soon after Jinwoo arrived. Our staffs pushed him to sit next to me. He was really nice to them and the people obviously liked him. I was a bit flustered with him being so close to me like this, our shoulders rubbing each other.

 

            "Look at Miss Heeyeon blush. Aigoo so cute! I understand that Miss. You'll never get used to your husband's charm. You're so lucky!" We looked at each other, and looked at the people around us. I smiled trying to get along with them. I laughed within myself. Lucky? I wish I could really say that. I could say, if only I was her.

 

            The people started getting more hyped up, drinks kept coming, people sang and danced, everyone was happy. Jinwoo and I sat together but felt really awkward, he looked away from me. He talked to the male staffs and I kept myself busy with the girls. Soon after, someone pulled me to center stage and asked for me to sing a song. I was so shy but gave in to their request. My heart jumped a bit when my eyes met Jinwoo’s for a moment. Why does he have to keep having that effect on me? I really hate it. That would have really been nice if the feeling was mutual. I started searching through the music book and saw a song I like. SNSD’s Seohyun’s “It’s Okay Even If It Hurts”.

 

Korean:

Noon ee meoleo do gwaen chanayo
Soom ee meojeo do gwaen chanayo
Hanbun man geudae bol soo eetda myun
Nae mam modoo jool soo eetda myun

Nae ga eol mana deo geu lee weo haeya
Geu dae nae mam ahl soo eet nayo
Nae ga eol mana deo oolgo ool eoya
Noon mool ee ma leul soo eet nayo

Geu dael saranghae seo ah peun gun gayo
Neo moo saranghae seo beol bahd neun gun gayo
Bee lok nae moh deun geol eel neun da hae do
Geu dael ha na myun geu geo myun dwae yo

Geu dael sarang hada mah eum eul bae yeo do
Geu dae ghee da lee da gah seum da hae jyeo do
Gwaen chanayo sarang hani gga
Nan appa do gwaen chanayo

Geu dael eej eu lyeo goh dol ah seol soo lok
Bogo ship eun dae eo ddeo kae yo
Jah ggoo ahn dwaen da go magah seol soo lok
Geu dae bboon een dae eo ddeok dae yo

Geu dael saranghae seo ah peun gun gayo
Neo moo saranghae seo beol bahd neun gun gayo
Bee lok nae moh deun geol eel neun da hae do
Geu dael ha na myun geu geo myun dwae yo

Geu dael sarang hada mah eum eul bae yeo do
Geu dae ghee da lee da gah seum da hae jyeo do
Gwaen chanayo sarang hani gga
Nan appa do gwaen chanayo

Nae gae dok ee dwae go
Ga she ga dwae eo do
Geu dae leul hyang han sarang
Geod eul soo eob jyo

Eon jae ggah jee la do ghee da leel gae yo
Ah peu go ah pah doh na gyeon dyeo hael ggae yo
Nae ga geu dae leul deo sarang hani gga
Noon mool nado gwaen chanayo
Appa do gwaen chanayo

 

English Translation:

It’s okay even if I’m blind
It’s okay even if I run out of breath
If I could just see you once, if I could just give you all my heart
How much more do I have to be longing for you to be able to know my heart
How much more do I have to cry and cry for my tears to dry

Does it hurt because I’m loving you?
Am I punished for loving too much?
Even if I was to lose everything of me, if it’s just you, then it’s okay
Even if I love you and my heart gets slashed
Even if I wait for you and get my chest all worn
It’s okay because I love you
I’m okay even if it hurts

Whenever I try to turn around trying to forget you, I keep wanting to see you, What should I do?
Whenever I try to block myself by saying I shouldn’t, I only have you, What should I do?

Does it hurt because I’m loving you?
Am I punished for loving too much?
Even if I was to lose everything of me, if it’s just you, then it’s okay
Even if I love you and my heart gets slashed
Even if I wait for you and get my chest all worn
It’s okay because I love you
I’m okay even if it hurts

Even if it’s poison for me, and if it’s a thorn for me
I can’t take away my love for you
I’ll wait until whenever
Even if it hurts and hurts, I’ll endure it
Because I love you more, it’s okay even if I tear up
It’s okay even if it hurts

 

            Whilw singing the song, flashbacks of my memories with Jinwoo back when we were still young came to me. How we would play in the fields, go hide and seek in our vineyard, eat cotton candy. Those were in the past. All those memories were clouded by his present with Irene and our present as a would-be husband and wife doing this to protect his company. A feeling of resentment would sometimes fill me but as always, I was such a martyr willing to do anything for the man she loves.

 

            After the song, I heard someone sniff behind me. I turned around and saw Halla tearing up.

 

            “Aigoo, why does it sound so sad hearing you sing it, Maam? It’s as if you are the one going through it,” she said.

           

            I smiled and put the microphone back to the stand. “Sorry for making the mood bleak with my song choice. Go on and sing a happier song.” I went back to my seat and drank my champagne. I can feel his eyes on me but I tried not to bother.

 

            The party lasted for a few more hours and soon after, Jinwoo was already drunk. My male staff helped us get him in the car.

 

            “Omo, sorry if you have to see him get drunk,” I said as we placed him in the passenger’s seat and strapped him with the seatbelt.

 

            “Oh, don’t worry, Maam. It’s normal with boys. But I must say, President sure is  a weak drinker. He only drank a few bottles but he’s already like this.”

 

            “Yes, he has always been like this. Anyway thanks for helping me,” I face my other staffs and said my gratitude and goodbyes to them. I drove to our house while he was sound asleep beside me. When we arrived home, I asked the help of our house help to get him to his room. After setting him in, I asked them to leave both of us in the room.

 

            I stared at his face, it was peaceful. I wish he was always like this. Just like the old Jinwoo I know. I stood up to get a new set of clean clothes for him and a towel for me to clean him up when he suddenly grabbed my hand which caused me to fall on his chest.

 

            “Jinwoo!” I said in surprise.

 

            “Mhhm, stay here beside me,” he mumbled.

           

            I tried pushing him away. “Aigoo, Jinwoo-yah. Let me go. I need to get you cleaned up. You reek of alcohol.” My eyes grew big with what he did though. He took my face and suddenly showered it with small kisses. My heart pounded against my chest. I didn’t know what to do. I was nervous, ecstatic and it also felt crazy at the same time. His lips slowly went to mine and owned it. I drew in my breath sharply as I closed my eyes and let it follow his movements. Oh gosh, how can this feel so good? How can this be so real?

 

            “Saranghaeyo, Irene,” he said in a low voice. All the feelings I had just now suddenly disappeared like “Poof!”.

 

            I pulled myself up and turned away. Tears started welling up in my eyes. Why did I even hope this was real?

 

            I felt Jinwoo get up from the bed. “Heeyeon-ah. I’m sorry. I, I-ah, I didn’t know,” he said with a real apologetic voice. I saw him through his mirror messing up his already messy hair.

 

            “You are drunk, Jinwoo. Fix yourself up and go to bed.” I was about to walk to the door when he stood up and hugged me.

 

            “I’m sorry, it’s just me and my s****y head. I didn’t mean to…”

 

            “Didn’t mean to hurt me? You already are. You have been. Since the start of this marriage, you were already hurting me. Treating me like some filthy piece of furniture you want out of your house.” There they go, beads of tears falling down my face. I pushup him away but continued facing him. “I know I’ll never be what you wanted Kim Jinwoo.” His face was also in a crumpled, disoriented state. I know I was also hurting him now, but I just want to pour it all out. I want him to know that he was not the only one hurting. “I know that. Because I am not her and I will never be her.” With that, I left him in his room and continued let myself drown in my grief.

 

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Hello Everyone! Glad to be back. I know it has already been long since I updated but for those who keep going back and reading this. Thank you very much. Saranghaeyo!

 

Here you go, a bit of a long update. (Enjoying RV’s Dumb, Dumb, Dumb and can’t wait for the upcoming comebacks of BTS, Winner and EXID.)

 

Don't be shy to leave a comment! 

 

=)