It was the day just before Chanhee’s hospital appointment to remove his casts and I was leaving his house in the late afternoon when 'it' happened;

I’d stayed for dinner as usual and as it was a Saturday my parents hadn’t minded coming to pick me up at 7:00 to save me the trip home.

I just couldn’t sleep at his…

And not for being 'un-allowed' either- no, his parents had said way more than a couple of times that I was welcome to stay whenever I wanted, and that they could just drop me off home before the appointment or I could even come with them if I felt like it.

And even Chanhee himself said he’d like it if I stayed...

But I just couldn’t.

I just couldn’t lie next to him for our last night together and then see that look of pure happiness on his face come the following day when those casts were finally removed.

I just couldn’t see his fingers moving once more and the relief it brought to his face or the way he spoke about finally having his ‘freedom’ back.

And I realise what I’m thinking is wrong of me, that staying together like I was thinking in my head was just plain strange and inappropriate…

It was strange that I fell asleep next to him now and lay a lot closer to his figure than I’d ever normally lay-

That I liked to feel him roll closer to me in his sleep and that mere nights after I’d jacked him off I'd curled in closer to him myself, then pretended to be asleep when he woke up and felt me moving.

I know all of this; and I’m trying to deal with it- but I just seem to be failing at every turn and I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do…

Therefore I couldn’t go with him tomorrow or spend tonight cuing into the sounds of his soothing breaths to help me sleep.

No.

Instead I’d allowed him to walk me to his door, my backpack in toe as I said goodbye.

And it was here that it happened;

“Are you sure you don’t wanna stay over man?” he asks for like the 10^th time, and giving me this strange look that somehow had my stomach flipping and my mind pushing me to just give in and stay-

But no, he wasn’t doing what I hoped he was and he wasn’t thinking that way-

“Ah, nah man it's fine. Your mum said you gotta be up hell early tomorrow to drive in anyway, so might as well get an early night.”

“What, you’re saying you keep me up all night?” he teases and giving me a playful nudge just as we reached his front door.

Forcing a laugh I shake my head at a joke that couldn’t have come at the most inappropriate timing…

“Well, yeah just text me or call to let me know how it goes. Ok man?” I say causally, and idly pulling at the strap over my shoulder as I look back at his happy expression.

“Sure thing,” he muses, and stepping forward to open the door for me as I try to avoid getting caught between him and the wall.

“Hey- if you want you can sleep after the appointment tomorrow or something,” he continues. “I mean, I know you’ve been here for like ever already, but I’m sorta getting used to your company-“ Chuckling, I can’t help but catch his seriousness behind the smiles and laughter and that nervous tug to my gut grows.

...

“Thanks man,” I say with a smile, and pausing by the door despite my whole mind screaming for me to just GET THE out of there. “If you want I can, otherwise yeah let me know what’s happening.”

“Ok,” he agrees simply, and reaching out suddenly to give me a hug.

Shock ripples through my system and numbly stepping forward I wrap my arms around his back as his hardened cast claps roughly at my shoulder blades.

“Thanks-“ he says, amongst our ‘trying to be manly’ hug. “For- you know, helping me so much and stuff...”

Pulling away, I halt just by his chest as he looks back at me, slight embarrassment mixed with gratitude still shining on his face.

“It’s cool man.”

And it’s then- before I even know what I’m doing, that I’m leaning forward and kissing him on the cheek.

Instant horror floods my system and reeling back I gape at him as my hands fly up to my mouth- “I’m so sorry!” I cry, taking in his surprised expression and immediately stepping back. “I-I was totally thinking of other stuff and I just- I wasn’t even thinking right then-”

- what the hell was THAT??

“It’s ok,” he muses, as a smile slowly tugs back at his lips and he brushes off my awkward moment.

“Ah, right well I’m just gonna, gonna go-“ I say rapidly, feeling thoroughly embarrassed despite the boy’s nonchalance and backpedalling with my hand pointing towards the door. “So, um yeah- I’ll, yeah text me-“

He nods, and pushing the door open I feel a welcome rush of fresh air flood across my face, as Chunji yells out a goodbye.

God…. this wasn’t good-