We continued on like this for the next few weeks to come, as I grew more and more reluctantly detached from the boy and every single day became more of a struggle.

I began to talk less- not to Chunji of course. Even when I was sad with him, I couldn’t seem to stop myself smiling when he looked my way or tried to cheer me up.

But to everyone else I was growing more isolated.

I just didn’t feel like chatting and engaging with my mates at lunch, when the whole time Chunji was learning to eat entirely by himself, even holding his own drink up to his mouth unaided.

I didn’t want to reply to their goading comments of ‘what’s wrong man?’ ‘do you feel redundant now cause Chunji’s all better~??’

Because they were all right-

And I just couldn’t deal with that.

I didn’t want to talk to my parents about what was happening, so I just spent more and more time in my room alone.

I pry myself away from Chunji’s house with extreme unease- spending less and less days sleeping over or even hanging out, as his natural strength came back to him, after 5,6 then 7 physio sessions came and past in one big hazy blur.

Because it was only natural to give him the space to recover, and really I had to prepare myself at the same time that no longer would I be spending every day and night in his company.

No more would we go to bed together every night after laughing over some completely ridiculous film or video- no longer would we wake up in a mad rush after sleeping in, only to realise we were gonna be late for school-

Because that’s not what best friends did.

Or atleast not in my screwed up head anymore...

That was something more.

Day by day Chanhee needed to remind me that he was fine- that he could ‘do it alone’ or ‘by himself-‘

I’d reach out to open a door before he’d come up beside me and do it instead, when I’d go to get his clothes out of his drawer in the morning only to find him already getting undressed behind me-

He’d get up to go to the bathroom and I’d get up and follow him- only for him to burst out laughing upon realising what I was unconsciously doing and having to make myself go back to the room in embarrassment.

He’d say he’s itchy somewhere and I’d lean over to scratch his leg or his back right as he moves to do it himself-

“I’m hungry-“ I go to make him food whilst he already opens the cupboard and rummaged around-

And he’d pull the blankets over himself at night, as I leant over his figure to do it for him…

It was all so disorientating and yet normal in its routine from all those years prior his accident where he hadn’t needed any help and was completely independent-

But somehow; his brief dependency on me meant something and I found it hard to go back to normalcy.

I acted like I was adapting of course- but I couldn’t help but trip up over and over again-

Carrying his plates but to his room at dinnertime as his mum looked after me with that ever curious smile on her face as he ran after to me to get it back out of my grips-

Snapping at my friends when they'd asked me how Chunji’s physio treatment was going when he’d left for the toilet one morning at school-

“It’s going great, ok!?” I’d yelled, frowning back at the happy blonde and ever mischievous Sungyeol. “Why wouldn’t it be? He’s getting better now- of course it’s going well!”

“Dude, we were just asking-“

“Well, why don’t you ask him then?? I’m not the one having physio-!“

And just plain hating myself for feeling so bloody confused and helpless, as ironic as that may sound.

And it was a total of 4 more weeks, 4 more weeks of this pure hell of my slowly backing out of Chunji’s personal life and watching him go through all of these intense physical training sessions both at home and at the clinic that the moment came.

The moment when he no longer needed help with anything- and my old best friend was back.

Back and catching up with all his ridiculous assignments and homework that had been stacking up whilst he’d been delayed under medical conditions, and yet I didn’t really want this Chunji back.

Somehow things were different now…

Or maybe that was just me..?

                                                                                                                   ****************

I was sleeping at his place that night and we'd just gone down to dinner when it happened-

See all day I’d been biting my lip and restraining myself from jumping to his aid. From doing things for him and picking his bag up from his desk just as I had been these last few consecutive weeks running- but today it'd been hell.

Today I’d been completely screwing up left right and centre and instead of my occasional; ‘whoops, yeah sorry man-‘ and ‘yeah, you do it instead.’

I’d been streaming out a complete barrage of; “Ah sorry-“

“My bad-“

And;

“Oh…. Yeah, I forgot you’re good now-“

That it was literally giving me a headache and making me feel like a complete idiot, not to mention completely miserable.

So when dinner rolled by and I again grabbed his drink from the bench for him;

I’d literally just had enough-

“Oh… thanks man,” he’d said with that ever light chuckle of his as he looked over in surprise and we headed upstairs to his room.

And once again frustrated irritation flooded straight back into my system as I realised what I’d just down- what I should have realised from the get go, but was just so caught up in Chanhee that I didn’t.

Why was I being such an idiot for??

Why couldn’t I just go back to how things were??!

Frowning at myself, I absently feel the others fingers brush against me as he takes the cup into his own grip  and deposits it down on the bedside table before sitting himself atop the bed.

He was ready to start eating and yet I just felt completely stiff and couldn’t seem to move my limbs properly as I slowly maneuverer myself into a cross legged position of my own beside him.

Thus it was in almost silence that I struggled to eat and as a sick sort of feeling started twirling around my gut and lodging in my throat that I decided I wanted to go home-

I just couldn’t be here anymore-

“Ah, Chanhee-“I go to venture just as the teen himself gets up off the bed and starts rummaging through his drawers for p.js.

“Mm?” he hums distractedly.

“I-I feel kind of sick…”

I watch as his head instantly snaps up to look at me, taking in the way I’ve already left his bed, my half eaten food left starkly behind as I start pulling my odds and ends into my school pack.

“What’s up?” he questions, and dropping his gaze to my bag as he slowly carries his gear back towards me.

“Just nausea I think-“ I lie nervously, not wanting to look him in the eyes lest I see that amusement that had shone there so clearly all week long- that amusement that cropped right back up again every time I offered to undress him or jumped in to help like the idiot I was.

“So… so I think I might just go home.”

“Oh… are you sure-?” The brunet asks, tone ringing out with concern now, and something I could almost describe as disappointment-?

I knew he’d noticed my distance lately, even if it was only natural on his part…

And I knew it was making him confused, I could see it on his face when I said I was busy on the weekend or couldn’t come over after school-

I could see it in the disappointed flash to his eyes…

But I couldn’t help it.

I was hurting more, and this was all for him anyway-

“Yeah, I’m sorry man.” I say for what must be the hundredth time this past fortnight.

“Do you want anything before you go? Medication or something?” he offers as I quickly shake my head and drop my guilty gaze to the floor.

“No thanks.”

“Right…. I was just gonna have a shower- ah, did you wanna wait till I’m out and I could ask my parents to take you or like, are yours coming-?”

And right at the word shower I tug my head back over to him, noting the way he’s playing with the hem of his t-shirt.

“No…. they’re already coming.” I lie again, and walking automatically over to him. “But you can shower- I’ll just pack up my stuff and wait out the front for them.”

“Oh, ok then.” Nodding, he starts to turn half away from me as he undoes the buttons of his shirt, revealing smooth tanned expanse of skin in his wake. “It won’t make you feel worse by leaving now? You could just rest early or have some hot tea or something…?”

“No, it’s ok…” I reply, guilt pinpricking my whole body as I absentmindedly reach out to grab the hem of his trousers.  “I think I just need to be home,” and it doesn’t even connect with me what I’m doing until I’m unhitching the metal button of his pants and sliding my fingers down to his fly-

At once I seem to freeze and snapping away from him I pull my eyes up in shock-

To take in his equally surprised albeit rather amused expression.

“Um….. yeah, I can do it-” he reminds me gently, as my hands instantly shirk away as if burned.

And I just can’t deal with this anymore-!

Mortified embarrassed, mixed with some kind of agitated frustration builds up in my chest and I roughly turn away as an angry sigh rips from my throat.

“L.joe-?“ he attempts, as I quickly pick my bag up from the ground and sling it over my shoulders.

“Ah, sorry man. Yeah- I’m just gonna go now,” I bite out bluntly;

Nerves are rolling so rapidly through my body now that I feel like I’m going to pass out, and I can’t even bare to look at him-

I almost in undressed him!

What the HELLS wrong with me???

“Dude, what’s wrong?” stepping up behind me I hear his clothes rustle slightly as he moves.

“N-nothing, I just feel ill-“ I attempt, as my hand reaches out for the doorhandle-

Griping at my shoulder I halt in my steps, as Chunji turns me around to face him.

His confusion is written so clearly over his face and I can’t escape the way it makes me want to just reach out and apologise; “Did I say something wrong? Cause I’m sorry if I did, I-“

“It’s not you…” I say lowly, as the very corny notion of these words hits me straight in the face.

Oh god… this couldn’t get any worse!

“Then, what is it?” he cries, and lowering his grip from my body, shirt still un-buttoned against his chest and now, thanks to me, his black denim pants hanging open.

Great...

“Nothing-”

There was no way in hell he was getting this out of me-

And that’s when the hurt begins to form in his eyes, and I wrench my own gaze away to stare at the floor instead as he immediately hones the blame in on himself, trying to work out what the hell he could have done to piss me off so much-

“Look, I- I just need to go home right now,” I say, trying to smooth the situation over despite the tense distracted sound to my own words. “You can text me tomorrow, or I’ll just see you on Monday-“

Stepping back a little, I give him a fake tug of the lips as his shoulder starts to relax before me, his big eyes staring back as he tries to believe me.

“Ok,” he concedes and swallowing nervously as I continue to press myself closer to the door. “But Byunghun- you would tell me if I did do something wrong. Right…?”

“It’s not that,” I push firmly, desperation now seeping into my system at that god awful look to his face. “I’m just giving you space.”

“Space…?”

“Yeah, you need to recover fully-” I continue, and throwing in that all too worn out mask of casualness as my heart thumps painfully in my chest. Just shut up Byunghun... “It’s natural for you to need your space- you don’t need me around as much as before,”

A beat of silence passes between us, before the boy lets out a casual smile;

“But dude, I still need you around. You’re my best friend-”

A jolt of something uncomfortable zips down my spine and I turn my face away;

“It’s not like that…”

Of course he wouldn’t understand what I’m feeling right now-

Of course he wouldn’t see what’s happening to me- because I’m the only one there!

“Well then what is it?” he prods, and trying to come closer to me. “Just tell me what’s up man-“

“No! I have to go-“

Despair wells up in my gut and crossed with the irritation still prickling all over my skin I tear open his bedroom door and make my way down the stairs.

“Dude-?” Chunji speaks, worry splashing back up in his tone as he follows me out. “L.joe!”

But I don’t listen; I’m too busy skipping steps on the stairs down and dodging around his confused mother in the corridor to wrench open the front door and just leave.

I couldn’t stay in his house any longer-

For I knew what was happening to me now.

I knew why I was being so weird and was unable to just let the guy be-

I knew why I was feeling so helpless and alone…

Because I was starting to like Chanhee.

And not in the way I should be-

I release a stressed breath of air, as images of what I’d just done flash through my head like a never ending reel of torture-

My hands at his hips, slipping effortlessly down to his hem-

Easily snapping the metal button apart as I ghost my touch down to his fly-

Shaking my head I feel that mortified horror building up as embarrassment heats up my cheeks;

- I was such an idiot!

Why was this happening to me??

What did I ever do to deserve this??

A sharp sting burns my eyes and I duck my head to the road as I run a hand through my fringe- feeling the anger and helplessness pulsing rapidly through my system.

Why couldn’t I just act normal??

“Byunghun!” someone calls behind me.

But I know that voice, god of course I did-

It was him, and I wasn’t stopping.

Quickening my pace just a little I hunch my shoulders in on myself as the boy’s footfalls on the road sound out just mere meters away.

He was following me??

Why couldn’t he just leave it alone-!

“Byunghun, what are you doing?? Why are you walking home at this time?” He cries as he finally catches me up and pants a little beside me. “I thought you felt sick-“

Gritting my teeth I avoid looking his way as his body fills my peripheral vision, shirt still flapping open awkwardly as a few mismatched buttons were hastily fastened back up.

“Dude, just answer me-“ he continues, my silence ringing loudly between us as he reaches a hand out to grab my shoulder.

A weaker grip- I gotta admit, and I could pull away if I so wanted to.

But I couldn’t…

“I do…” I say and turning to face him as my eyes stay trained to the road.

“L.joe, I-“ he pauses, and are those nerves staining his quite tone? “Why’re you doing this?”

“Doing what?” I query in guilt, as a tense atmosphere settles around our shoulders.

“This!” he cries, and waving around to the deserted and rapidly dimming street. “This is crazy, you’ve never just left like this before!”

“Chunji just drop it- ok??” I grit out, as my eyes continue to blur and I struggle to hold all the emotion in.

“Drop it?” The teen repeats bluntly. “You’ve been acting different for weeks now, and you’re telling me to drop it? Don’t think I haven’t noticed your snapping at our mates-“

A feeling of dread creeps up my neck and I swallow nervously as he gets closer and closer to the truth.

“No, I haven’t.” I deny fruitlessly, “I’m just giving you some time to recover, you can’t be distracted from your physio and they just keep being annoy-“

Yeah, I know…. it was a lame comeback.

But it was all I had-

“My physio?” he replies in confusion, “What on earth does this have to do with my physio?”

Clenching my jaw tight I grip the strap of my bag and turn away from him, as I walk back up the street.

It had everything to do with his dam physio-

Everything…

“Byunghun-!”

“If I was just hanging around all the time then you would’ve been distracted, ok?” I quip, totally not making any sense right now as the guy hurries to keep pace beside me.

“A distraction? Dude- we’re not that bad.” He lets put a forced chuckle, and I feel another stab of guilt as I hear his insecure tone ring back to me. ”I’ve been concentrating on my physio ever since it started- and I would’ve even if you stayed every night.”

I don’t reply to this.

I just keep walking; my eyes determinedly set to the ground as the cold evening air begins to settle over our skin.

I shouldn’t have even said anything-

I should’ve just kept my mouth shut and ignored him-

But of course I knew this was pointless.

Because I could never ignore Chanhee…

“L.joe, this has been going on ever since I started physio- even before I had time to get distracted or whatever you wanna call it,” he picks up as his failing nerves shake the edges of his words. “Man, I just wanna know what’s going on…“

And my gut is still rolling with butterfly’s now as that sincere tone of his voice pierces into my mind and I struggle to think of exactly what I can tell him-

How much to tell him- that won’t freak him out…

“I-I can’t explain it, ok? It’ hard for even me to understand, so just leave it at that…” I attempt, unable to keep the sheer exhaustion from my own tone now as my mind continues spinning in repetitive circles.

I liked him- god, how could I like him??

“It doesn’t matter man, who cares if it doesn’t make sense just try-“ he urges, finally seeing the cracks appearing in my hard outer shell as my arms come around to hold tightly against my chest.

Glancing to the side I see his determined stance, staring back at me as I swallow the nerves now stuck in my throat.

He was going to hate me….

“I…I just don’t feel like I should be around anymore,” I say stupidly, the weak words coming out of my mouth and making me internally flinch at what a sensitive idiot I was being. “But that’s cool, like I don’t care- I mean I know you don’t really need me, so I’m just adjusting-“ I was trying to sound causal, god I was trying so hard but it was so obvious with my quieter insecure tone that I was dead serious right now…

Chunji’s silent himself for a moment now and I feel my cheeks heat once more with that annoying  lingering embarrassment left over from being in his presence.

“You feel unhelpful…” he realises, his voice hesitantly going quiet himself as he clues into my inner most thoughts.

Tuning my head away I try to avoid looking anywhere near him as my face grows hotter, and awkward tears start stinging in my eyes; god, how could this get any worse??

I knew exactly how I was feeling now… but to have it put out there so bluntly and straightforward right in front of my face was hard-

Clenching my mouth tight, I refuse to acknowledge his admission, unable to trust my own voice and the way another confession could so easily just tumble out if did try to speak-

“L.joe, I-“ Chunji seems to momentarily fail now and I know he’s struggling with an easy way to let me down…

Because he knows what I'm feeling...

There's no way he couldn't.

“I didn’t… I don’t know that you-“

“You don’t have to say anything-“ I bite out, desperately trying to hold together now as an insane rush of despair seeps through my chest.

God- how was this hurting so much??

“No-! No, it’s not that-“ he cries, and stepping closer as I stare determinedly at the road and feel the betraying wetness of tears fall from my eyes.

And it’s just more silence….

Silence for a few tense minutes as I uncomfortably wish the boy would just leave me alone already. Just leave before this thing can make us even more awkward together- ruin our friendship even more than it already has-

“I didn’t know you felt that way…”

I can’t detect what he’s thinking from his careful words and this only makes the truth even more terrifying.

And there it was- the truth spilling right into the air between us…

“But I… I still need you, Byunghun.”

And I don’t quite know if I believe the words that’ve just left his mouth as I feel a rush of surrealism enter my bloodstream and I look up to meet his suddenly anxious eyes.

“I haven’t just gotten 'used' to you being around-“ he continues and flickering his gaze down to my shoulders. “I… I want you to be around. I like you being here…”

My mouth run dry and I feel my heart beginning to pound as I stare one sidedly at the boy before me-

Was he saying what I thought he was-?

Did he actually have the same feelings-??

Absently my lower lip I step toward him, carefully narrowing the space between us as the teen looks up to meet me- that scared uncertain look to his eyes instantly changing as he takes in the slightly damp appearance of my own-

“L.joe, what’s the matter-?”

And I realise all at once that he’s seen the tear tracks down my face as he reaches out a hand to hover uncertainly near my face.

Nervous, I swallow and pull my eyes away as I go to wipe the mess from my skin- until a hand suddenly stops me and the teen brings his own gentle fingers up to the droplets off my cheeks.

A hum of warmth spreads through my nerve endings, and the urge to lean into his touch lulls at the back of my mind- making my head pull back up as his hand moves away to find his brilliantly soft brown eyes staring back at me;

And I can’t stop myself, though this time I don’t even care as I lean forward and press my lips to his-

I don’t remember the moment my eyes shut, but suddenly all I’m doing is sensing the boy before me, navigating the soft pull of his lips as I move against him-

And that intimate little bubble we’d created many weeks ago now springs right back up around us, pulling me closer against him as I reach my hands up to hold against his cheeks.

Reciprocating my motion, I feel his warm hands come to rest on my waist, and god I could do this all night-

Prying his lips apart I slip my tongue past his defences and an instant breath of air spreads across my lips as he tugs me ever closer to his chest-

And I feel the beat of my heart against his own as I tilt his head back, slipping my fingers snuggly around his neck as a lull of possession takes over me-

He was mine now…

Pulling away a few moment later, we come to rest against one another’s forehead; our heated breaths echoing rapidly between us as my body starts searing all over.

I hadn’t down this very much before…

But something told me it was all Chanhee making me like this-

That he was to blame for the insatiable heat coursing through my veins-

“I’m sorry Chanhee.” I whisper against his mouth, as I flick my eyes open to catch the warm brown staring back at me. “I… I didn’t know you felt the same way.”

A smile tugs at his lips and his hands circle further around my waist to hug around my middle. “Just ‘cause I have my hands back, doesn’t mean I wanna give you up.”

I let out a ghost of a chuckle, my breath sweeping hotly against his lips as I pull myself back, keeping my hands at his shoulders now as I realise what this means.

I would no longer have to leave Chanhee’s side-

Just because he was better now, and I couldn’t do anything to 'help' him-

He still wanted me around.

He still needed me in the way I was rapidly finding myself needing him-

And I couldn’t have felt any more relieved and entirely ecstatic in my whole life.