Kyungsoo

Although the tension between my family and I had never really been resolved, I figured it was still important for me to make an effort with them. My parents were helping with a lot of our living and school expenses, so until I was able to be financially independent, I knew it was best to just play the part of a willing son.

We were surrounded by a tense, awkward silence as we sat around the dining room table. I really didn't know what to say and evidently, no one else did either. I hated that things had become that way, but I couldn't put all of the blame on myself. It wasn't like they had made any efforts to talk to me. For a while, I though they didn't see the tension that had developed in our relationships with each other as a sign that something was wrong. The more I thought about it, however, I figured out it wasn't that at all. They were perfectly aware of the problems in our family and they refused to address them. Either that or they were too afraid to. We were definitely family in that sense. 

My mom finally spoke up and broke the silence about ten minutes into the meal. "So, Kyungsoo, how is school going? You haven't told much about it," she said, plastering on one of those smiles I supposed she thought would make all of us feel better. 

"It's good, yeah," I said shortly, nodding and briefly glancing at her. "Classes are a little harder than I thought they'd be, but I'm still doing well, I think."

"That's not surprising. You've always done well in school, even with things your peers found difficult," she replied. That was typical: complimenting me to assure me they still cared about me enough to recognize my strengths. I just smiled at her briefly before looking away. Things got quiet again until she cleared and spoke again. "Your brother is doing well, too. He's looking into an internship at your dad's firm for next semester. Isn't that right?"

I moved my eyes toward Suho but not my head. He hummed and nodded affirmatively. "I still think it would look better if I went somewhere else, but he insisted," he said, and I sensed a little bitterness in his voice. 

"Why wouldn't it look good?" my dad questioned. "We're one of the top law firms in the country. Do you know how many aspiring lawyers would kill for a shot to shadow us, let alone have an internship?"

Suho exhaled roughly. "I get that, but my dad being one of the partners at the firm might make it look like I didn't work hard enough to get the internship."

"But you did. You worked very hard to be considered. Besides, I don't even know how handles internships there, but they clearly saw something in you." He cleared his throat as he lifted the napkin from his lap to wipe the corners of his mouth. "Any foot you can get in the door in this field will help you regardless of how you opened the door, so I think you should focus on the positive parts of this rather than trying to find the bad parts."

Sighing again as he looked away, Suho just nodded. "Yeah, you're right," he said quietly. I looked at him for a moment more, actually feeling a sense of sympathy for him. When it came to our dad, I guess we both had to play our parts.

:::::::

After an almost painful dinner, I went out back to call Kai. I sat down in one of the chairs, pulling my phone out of my back pocket beforehand. I turned it on and opened our recent messages, pressing the phone icon at the top of the screen. It started ringing when I pressed it up against my ear. My eyes wandered around as it kept ringing, eventually going to his voicemail. I sighed as the robot operator told me my options, but I decided to just hang up. 

"Mind if I join you?" I heard Suho's voice from behind me and spun around right as he was stepping outside. I shook my head silently before turning back around. He let out a heavy sigh as he sat next to me on my right. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him pull a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his jacket pocket. He caught watching him as he pulled one out. "Don't tell mom," he said before placing it between his lips and lighting it. He inhaled and then blew out the smoke a moment later, now looking almost relieved. He glanced over at me. "Was that Kai?" he asked.

I turned my head toward him, my eyebrows now slightly creased in confusion. "Should I wonder why you're asking?" I replied.

"No," he said with a light chuckle. "I was just asking."

I was still feeling a little suspicious, but I sighed, turned away, and answered anyway. "He didn't answer. He's probably busy with Taemin again."

"Oh, that's right. I heard he dropped out of Yale." I looked at him again. "It's all the gossip amongst the rich parents."

"I didn't know it was that big of a deal."

"Well, when the son of a man about 30 times richer than us suddenly has the audacity to drop out and follow his own dreams, it might as well make headlines." He chuckled, this time the sound coming out as more of a scoff, and took another hit of his cigarette. "God, this place is so ing small. I think I'm suffocating without even realizing it." I nodded, softly laughing. "Sounds like you don't like Taemin spending a lot of time with him," he added. There seemed to be a genuine look of concern in his eyes. 

I sighed. "It's not that. It's actually pretty complicated to explain. I don't think I even understand it."

"He's not cheating on you, is he? I know I didn't exactly have a good reason to punch him before, but I consider cheating a good reason to punch someone."

Rolling my eyes, I laughed again. "No, I...I don't think so," I said in response, earning a puzzled look from him now. I shook my head a little, coming back into reality. "Wait, why do you care?"

"What do you mean why do I care? You're my little brother and despite everything that's happened, I actually don't want people to hurt you as surprising as it may sound," he said after taking another inhale of his cigarette. 

"Well, considering everything that's happened, yeah, it's a little surprising," I said. "I half expected you to say, 'I told you so' or something like that."

He shrugged a little. "I considered it, but I've already said and done enough ty things to you," he said. I nodded in agreement and we caught each other's eyes before chuckling. "Look, in all seriousness, I am sorry for being such an . I'd like to say there was a good reason, but there really wasn't." He sighed and flicked his cigarette a little as he looked down at it. "After some self-reflection and a little therapy, I realized all of my issues with you were actually issues with my dad. Turns out I'm still not over him cheating on my mom, divorcing her, and then remarrying two months later."

"I don't think that's something you can quickly get over," I replied, earning another small chortle from him. "But I get it. I appreciate you acknowledging how ty you've been."

"Gotta grow up and own up to your some time, right?" he replied, prompting me to nod my head in agreement. A brief silence fell between us as he inhaled again. "I take it mom and dad don't know. I mean, dad didn't make any passive aggressive and slightly homophobic comments at dinner."

I looked down and sighed. "Yeah, I haven't gotten around to that yet," I admitted, feeling embarrassed. "As far as they know, I just have a roommate."

"Is Kai okay with that?" he asked, taking one last hit before crushing his cigarette on the ground.

"Yes and no." I stared at the ground in thought for a moment and then shrugged as I picked my head back up. "I don't think he's ready to deal with them and their inevitable judgment, but I can tell he doesn't like hiding. I think that's why he works so much. He doesn't really like that we still need mom and dad's financial help."

"I'd like to think he'd have to deal with that either way. I very rarely agree with dad, but I wouldn't sit by and watch my kids barely getting by knowing I had more than enough money to help."

"That's what I said, but that's just how he is, I guess. Doesn't want to feel like he owes anyone." I could feel Suho looking at me for a few seconds after I stopped talking. 

"Well, I'm here for you whenever you decide to tell them," he said and when I turned my head to face him, I could instantly tell he meant it. "I know I don't have the greatest track record with being a supportive older brother, but I'd like to start changing that...if you'll let me."

I smiled and nodded my head. "I'm willing to try if you are," I replied. 

"Okay," he said, allowing himself to smile a little as he looked away. "And if things with Kai ever get bad, you can call me. I can't promise I won't punch him again, though."

I let out another laugh. "Thanks..." I said as we looked at each other again. "...hyung?"

He cringed a little. "Too early for that," he said, making me laugh again but a little harder this time. We sat out there for a little longer before eventually going back inside. 

While I was happy other relationships in my life were improving, a part of me found it unfortunate that it was happening right as I felt my relationship with Kai seemed to be taking a turn for the worse. 

Kai

"Great job today, guys. Remember to practice your turns for next class, okay? Especially you, Joonie. I don't think your mom will let you come back here if you go home with any more scrapes," I said after the last class of the day ended. I bid goodbye to the kids and their guardians before exhaling tiredly and beginning to clean up. 

I was getting closer to finishing my teaching certification program, which meant Mrs. Han felt more comfortable giving me more classes to teach. Taemin being there to assist took some of the pressure off, but I still felt exhausted by the time the day was over. 

"You'll be good at this," Taemin commented as he helped put all of the equipment back in its proper home. I was turning around the open sign so that it read closed to anyone walking by, but I paused and turned around to look at him when I heard him speak. "The kids seem really taken with you, Joon especially. It's like he's your little shadow."

"Yeah, he reminds me of myself when I was that age," I said, lowering my eyes for a moment as a small smile formed my lips. I snapped out of my short trance a moment later, finishing flipping the sign around and then going over to fetch the mop and broom. Taemin had just finished putting the equipment, so he took the mop from me before I started to sweep the floor. 

"I guess I never asked, but how's everything going with Kyungsoo?" he asked, leaning against the front desk as he waited for to finish sweeping. I faltered for a moment at the question, mostly because I didn't know exactly where we stood. 

Over the past week or so, we hadn't talked anymore about Taemin or had any heated conversations, but I could still feel that things were off. Kyungsoo used to talk to me a lot about his day or random things that popped into his head, but he didn't seem to be doing that anymore. Granted, we had both gotten considerably busier, so by the time we were both home with each other, all we really had the energy to do was relax quietly. Still, I missed being around talkative Kyungsoo. I liked listening to the different ways his voice changed when he told a story and how his eyes seemed to add an extra dash of emotion to whatever he was talking about. 

Mostly, though, I was afraid he stopped talking because of me.

"We're okay," I answered, glancing back at him and smiling. I knew he'd see right through me, but for my sake, I was hoping he wouldn't point it out.

"Just okay? You seemed so excited to move in with him, but you guys are just okay? It hasn't even been a year yet." 

I sighed as I stood up straighter. I really needed to hope harder next time. "They're not bad, but it's just...different than I imagine, that's all," I explained before I went back to sweeping. 

"Different how?"

"Are you really going to keep pressing me about this?" I said as I stopped what I was doing and turned to face him completely. He didn't seem phased by my sudden burst of frustration, but then again, he never did.

"I wouldn't have to if you just answered honestly when I asked how you guys were doing," he replied, a smug yet faint grin on his face. I scoffed and briefly looked down, running a hand through my hair. 

"I don't know how to describe it, it's just different," I said. "I like that we live together and all, but things just feel weird now. It's like we're angry at each other but not saying anything. I don't know, I probably sound paranoid and overanxious, but I just feel like he's mad at me."

"Well, did you do anything that would make him mad?"

I glanced at Taemin nervously before sighing. "I didn't exactly tell him you came back right away," I confessed. 

"Well, no , then yeah, he's probably a little upset," he replied with a quick roll of his eyes. "Why didn't you tell him? It's not like I came back to steal you away from him or anything."

"I know, but..." I started as I stopped sweeping, propping my arm up on the end of the handle. "...it just felt awkward and sensitive and I'm not good with awkward and sensitive."

"Yeah and you're also not good with talking about things you should probably be talking about," he responded. I closed my mouth and looked away. "Don't pout at me. You know it's true. I mean, how long did it take for you to open up with me again? Three years? I think it took you a one just to talk to me at all."

"So what are you trying to make exactly?" I asked, my eyes a little wider as I turned to him again.

"That the reason it feels awkward and sensitive isn't because of you not telling him about me, but because of you not telling him anything at all." I rolled my eyes, huffing as I resumed sweeping. "No, I'm serious, Jongin. I understand that you have a hard time trusting and opening up to people and I think Kyungsoo understand that, too. But you can't really expect him to just keep waiting for you if you aren't even willing to make small efforts. Eventually, he'll close up, too or start to think it has something to do with him or find someone else he can confide in, which isn't what you want, is it?"

", of course I don't want that," I said. "And it has nothing to do with him. I trust him, I do, I just...it's like my body physically won't let me speak my mind if something is bothering me. I know that's a ty excuse, but I can't explain it better than that."

"Okay, so tell him that." I opened my mouth to reply, but Taemin cut me off. "You owe him that, even if you think it's a ty excuse. Can't you see that you're leaving him in the dark? If you aren't willing to at least say that or tell him you want to open up, but you need more time, of course he'll start to think it's his fault." I pressed my lips together and sighed again. "Listen, I'm not saying you have to write him a novel about your whole life, but at least give him a flashlight or something, let him know it's not anything he's doing wrong. If he's willing to give you the time you need, you need to be willing to meet him halfway. Relationships take work from both sides, not just one."

"Are you sure you don't want to be a relationship counselor or something?" I tried to joke, but Taemin just kept the serious look plastered on. "Okay, alright, I'll...I'll try my best."

But even as I said those words, I questioned whether or not my best would be good enough.