Kai

Getting drunk was always better in the moment than it was after.

Besides a raging headache, I woke up with an overwhelming sense of shame, guilt, and embarrassment. Drunk kissing Taemin wasn't a great move on my part admittedly, and to be totally honest, I didn't know why I did it. I didn't even want to really, at least not like how I used to when we first started hanging out. I knew it had more to do with missing Kyungsoo than it did with having lingering feelings for Taemin. I just hoped I hadn't ruined everything.

I figured Taemin couldn't have been that upset with me if he was generous enough to take me home, considering that I did wake up in my own bed the morning after. I sat there a moment, groaning under my breath as I rubbed my head, foolishly thinking it would make my headache go away. Once I finally found the strength to get up, I walked out of the bedroom and saw Taemin standing in the kitchen.

"Good morning," he said, directing his usual bright smile at me. This made me feel both confused and relieved. "I left the bottle of Tylenol out. Mine was pretty bad when I woke up, too."

"Oh..." I started as I looked over at the counter space to his left. "...thanks." Slowly, I walked over and picked it up, twisting the cap off and gently dumping two into the palm of my hands. I securely put the lid back on before I tossed them back and swallowed, heading over to the fridge for some water to help them go down easier. After I swallowed the large sip I took, I moved my eyes to him. "Listen, a-about last night--"

"Don't worry about it, Jongin," he interjected before I could even get the rest of my sentence out. He was making coffee, so he looked back at me after he finished pouring some into two mugs. "We have a weird history and with everything going on with Kyungsoo right now, I understand why you did it. It's fine. I'm not mad."

Still feeling embarrassed, I looked down. "I'm still sorry," I said in a quieter voice. "I led you on all those years and then when you finally find someone else, I kiss you and tell you it would be easier dating you. That's not fair to you."

He sighed and hummed gently. "I suppose you're right," he said as I lifted my head to look at him again. "But like I said, it's complicated. We're complicated. We will probably always be complicated. I know you love Kyungsoo, though, and I know you miss him."

"Yeah, I do," I said, admitting it to myself out loud for the first time. I sighed quickly. "But I doubt he misses me. Baekhyun said he looked happy when they had lunch...which is good obviously, but it just that he can't be happy with me."

Taemin smiled sympathetically and walked closer to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You seriously need to stop listening to yourself sometimes," he said with a chuckle. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. But he never did clarify what he meant after that, instead just ruffling the top of my head before going back to finish the coffee. "You like a lot of milk, right?" he asked without looking at me. 

Still confused, I sighed again before speaking. "Yeah, I do."

Kyungsoo

I wasn't dumb. I saw the empty beer cans and the drunk flush on Kai's face. It was a drunk kiss, but it was still a kiss. A kiss between two people with a complicated history at that. I trusted them enough to know it most likely didn't go any further, so most of the bad feelings I experienced were from my own sense of guilt. Yes, the time apart was doing me good, but that didn't mean I could assume it was helping him. I supposed that was why I partially blamed myself. 

Since I technically still was on the lease, I dropped off my portion of the expenses one afternoon after I got out of class. Out of habit, I stopped to see if the kitchen light was on. It wasn't. 

I made it up to the apartment and unlocked the door, planning to leave the money on the counter with a note. Nostalgia hit me hard when I first walked in. The place was still in pretty much the same condition as it was when I left, with the occasional unfolded blanket here and a few dirty dishes in the sink. I exhaled and closed my eyes for a moment, telling myself to stay focused. 

As I began looking around to see if I could find a random piece of paper, I heard footsteps coming from our bedroom. I knitted my eyebrows together, wondering who was here with me. My mind obviously went to Kai first, but for some reason, I didn't like the thought of seeing him. I quickly decided to not leave a note and just set the money on the counter. Right as I was about to turn around, I saw the bedroom door open and out walked Taemin, who looked just as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

"This is awkward," he said, chuckling nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh, Jong--I mean, Kai didn't mention anything about you coming over."

"O-Oh, I didn't tell him..." I replied, feeling the atmosphere around us become tense. "I just came to drop the rent and stuff off."

He nodded his head in understanding. "That would make sense then," he said. I nodded again, not really knowing what else to say or do.

"Well, I-I guess I should go," I said after a while.

"Do you want me to let him know you were here?" I stopped for a moment to think. My gut reaction was to say no, mostly because I was still working through the emotions that came after seeing him kiss Taemin--the person standing right in front of me at that moment. But maybe knowing I was here would serve as a kind of message to him. A message that said I still planned to come home to him. 

"I-If you want," was the response I settled with. He nodded and I had turned around to head back to the front door when his voice stopped me again. 

"I know this is a little weird and everything, but you wouldn't happen to have time to talk, would you?" I raised my eyebrows in surprise. "It's just...you know Kai told me about some of the things going on and I thought maybe I could help somehow, especially considering that some of them seem to involve me."

"Um..." My heart began to beat faster. I suddenly felt anxious and slightly embarrassed. I realized now that my envy of Taemin was only a small piece in the puzzle of Kai and I's problems. But I figured talking to him couldn't hurt. Besides, if I thought communication was our big issue, I knew I should put some actions behind my words. "...alright. I-I have some time."

He smiled faintly. I set my bag down by the shoes before taking mine off and hesitantly walking into the living room. I took a seat on the couch, prompting more memories of Kai and I to come flooding into my mind. 

"Do you want anything?" he asked. "I've been trying to cook more since I started staying with him, but low and behold, that hasn't actually happened much."

"No, I'm alright. T-Thank you, though," I replied. He nodded and then joined me in the living room, sitting next to me but leaving a good amount of space between us. "S-So, you've been staying here?"

"Yeah, only for like a week or two I think," he said. "I just needed to get out of my parents' place for a while and I figured Kai could use the company."

"Ah, I see." I nodded and slowly moved my eyes away. 

I heard him let out a quick sigh from beside me. "I guess I'll just get right to the point," he began, his words earning my attention again. He moved his body so it was facing me more before he continued. 

"When I first met Kai, he didn't talk to anyone. I actually thought he was mute for a while. Anyway, his dad told me that he had been like that ever since his mom left after the divorce, but also that Kai has always just been a quiet person. And you know how kids can be, so he never really had a lot of friends growing up, so when I came along and actually showed interest, he didn't trust me at first. It took him years to actually talk to me, but I remember the first time I knew he was starting to feel comfortable around me. We were doing some partner work in our dance class and the teacher let us pick our partners. I was always going to pick him, but before I could even walk over to him, he dashed over to me and held my hand without saying a word." Taemin paused to chuckle, briefly lowering his head. He lifted it and exhaled, our eyes meeting. "It was a small gesture to others, but it was big to him. So from then on, I just always learned to read him through his actions rather than his words, even after he started talking to me. I guess what I really mean by all of this rambling is that it takes time for him to trust people enough to talk to him about his hobbies, let alone his feelings. And while I know he could have done better by you, I think that's all he really wants from you. I can tell how much you mean to him, so you're already closer than I was after a year. He doesn't trust easily, but I promise if you're just patient with him, the wait will be worth it."

I sighed and looked down, taking in all of his words. The way he talked about it made everything sound so simple, which made me wonder how I hadn't picked up on any of that before. 

"I can be patient, but I guess I just feel this sense of urgency because I can't...I can't read him like you do," I replied, still keeping my gaze on the floor. "You just seem to understand things about him that I don't and sometimes, I think that's why he doesn't open up to me...because I don't have the ability to just get it."

"I can see how it could feel like that," he said as he nodded again. "I blamed myself in the beginning too, thinking there was something wrong with me that nobody had bothered to tell me."

"What changed your mind?" He looked at me silently for a moment, almost as if he was surprised I cared to ask.

"I think it was the moment he chose me to be his partner in class," he answered. "That was the moment where every doubt I had about just quietly staying by his side until he talked to me went away because the moment he held my hand, I knew I was doing something right."

I blinked a couple of times and looked down at the floor. "I don't think we've had a moment like that yet," I muttered.

"That doesn't mean you won't, though," he said, getting me to bring my head up again. "It might take a while, but there will come a moment when he does something that just makes all of your doubts go away. It might be something big or something small like hand-holding. It might even be something he won't realize he's doing. But if you just pay attention, you'll know. I can't guarantee you'll never get mad at him again cause he can be annoying sometimes, but he also has a big heart and will give you all of the love you could possibly need and want."

I found myself smiling faintly as I looked away. "Thank you," I said after a moment or two of silence.

"No need to thank me," he replied before letting out a light sigh. "I didn't get it at first truthfully, but I can see why he loves you so much." My smile fell slightly as our eyes met again. I could have sworn I felt tears sting my eyes. "I'll tell him you dropped that off."

"Oh, yeah," I said as I looked over at the envelope on the counter. I sniffled a little and stood up. "Thanks again." I smiled faintly at him before walking over to the door and sliding my shoes back on. He sent me a small wave once I picked up my bag off the floor. I waved back and then walked out of the apartment.

As I made my way to the bus stop, I thought deeply about everything Taemin had said. A lot of the points he made forced me to look at myself and ask if I was actually coming off as patient as I thought I was. It also made me see our problems from a different perspective. Kai valued actions and I valued words. But he was right. They didn't mean a thing without each other.