Kyungsoo

I wasn't prepared for how difficult taking a break would be. I knew it was the right thing to do for both of us, but that didn't ease the pain I felt in my heart in even the slightest way. I still missed Kai, a lot more than I probably should have given how bad our relationship had become. That was the reality of first love, though; it couldn't all be good.

Time just kept moving forward without any consideration of my feelings, though, so I had no choice but to follow along. I had to get up earlier since Suho's school was farther away from mine than the apartment was, but admittedly, it was nice to have a ride there instead of taking the bus. Hiding how I was feeling had never been something I was good at and with all of them already knowing about my relationship problems, it didn't take long for my friends to notice a change in me.

", you actually did it?" Minhyun said in surprise as he, me, and Hyunsik walked to class. "I didn't think you would honestly. You seem more like the suffer-in-silence type."

I sighed and looked away for a moment. "I used to be like that, but that didn't do me any good, did it? It's probably part of the reason I let things get as bad as they did between us," I responded.

Minhyun nodded his head in understanding. "So, you're really sure about this then, huh?" he asked, looking at me. I looked back at him and hesitated before I spoke. 

"All I know is that things were getting bad between us and I had to do something before we ended up hurting each other even more," I said with a small shrug of my shoulders. "I don't know where this will take us, but it was a better option than doing nothing."

"You make a good point," he replied with a quick exhale and a nod of agreement. "I guess it's better to end things now than to keep going until you hate each other." I looked at him for a moment with slightly knitted eyebrows. As I turned my head away and focused on walking, my mind couldn't help but wander. 

What if we could never work through things? What if our time apart turned into one of us moving out and never speaking again? I knew a break would do us some good, but those thoughts still scared me. I wasn't sure I was ready to lose Kai yet even if it meant we would both be better off. 

:::::::

Later that day at lunch, I was sitting down at a table outside when Hyunsik joined me, occupying the spot right across from me. "Hey," I said, smiling faintly at him as our eyes met. 

"Hey," he said back as he took his backpack off and set it on the bench space next to him. "You were unusually quiet in class today. Are you sure you've been handling this break thing well?"

I looked at him for a brief moment before I let out a heavy sigh and glanced down. "I don't know. It just hurts a lot more than I thought it would." I shrugged. "I thought that because it was the right thing to do, I wouldn't miss him as much as I do. Clearly, I was wrong."

"I'd actually be concerned if you didn't miss him," he said, earning a puzzled look from me. "I mean, regardless of the bad times, you've still had enough good times to say you love him, right? If you got over him as soon as you agreed to take a break, that would be a sign you don't have feelings for him anymore at all, which is a much bigger issue than lack of communication if you ask me."

"So you're saying it's good that I miss him?" I asked as I tried to make sense of his words. 

He nodded, not speaking as he was in the middle of taking a sip of his drink. "The fact that you do should give you hope that things can still work out. It means there are still feelings that are strong enough to make you want to actually fix things instead of just give up," he explained after he swallowed.

As I glanced down, I realized that I hadn't thought of it like that before. Of course, I was still holding on to the hope that we'd find our way back to each other, but maybe I was more pessimistic than I was aware of.

"I'm not saying you should go rushing back," he went on, his eyes focused on his food. "I think it's good that you guys are taking some time apart. But I do still think you love each other a lot, so I think if you're willing to work hard and do better, you'll be okay."

"You really believe that?" I asked, making him lift his head and look at me.

"Why? Is it so hard to believe that I'm rooting for you guys?" He chuckled.

"No, it's not that," I said, laughing and shaking my head faintly. "I just...well ever since my parents' party where it was painfully obvious that my mom was trying to get us together, I thought you might...you know since Kai and I..."

He laughed again. "Kyungsoo, I value our friendship very much. And besides, this isn't the first time my aunt has tried to set me up with people at those things. She means well, but I'm more focused on graduating first."

"Sorry," I said as I shook my head, laughing and feeling slightly embarrassed. "That was a dumb thing to assume."

"It's okay. I'm sure there are plenty of rich kids who would have met all your assumptions," he said, getting another small laugh from me. 

"Thanks," I said after a moment or so of silence. "I know this whole break thing is gonna sting for a while, but it makes me feel better to know I have real friends I can count on."

He smiled at me. "That's exactly what I'm here for, to be a real friend--no matter what our guardians try to do." We both laughed at that and then continued talking about other things as we ate lunch.

Kai

I also thought that when people took breaks, they were just taking a slower path to a break-up. I supposed I was kind of on the fence about it now. The darker of my emotions would have had me believing that, but at the same time, it didn't feel like an end. It still hurt like hell waking up alone every morning, but I didn't feel the hopelessness that came with break-ups. I was too afraid to say I was optimistic about him coming back, but I also wasn't ready to throw the towel in yet.

The first few days of our "break" did make me realize that I might have been easier to read than I let on. Then again, maybe that was Taemin seeing right through me like he always did. He waved goodbye to the last class of the day at the door and then locked it before walking back over to me. I was still sitting on the floor from the stretching regime we usually did at the end of every class, and he let out a soft grunt as he sat down next to me.

"What's wrong?" he said, bumping his shoulder into mine in order to get my full attention. I furrowed my eyebrows slightly but didn't open my mouth as I looked at him. "You and Kyungsoo have another fight?"

Lips still together, I sighed and looked down at the floor. "Not for a few days we haven't," I answered after a minute or so of silence. "He left."

"What?" Taemin asked, genuinely sounding surprised. "What do you mean he left? You guys broke up?"

"Not officially." I exhaled again and pushed some of my fallen hair back. "We got into it again a few nights ago and he said I made him feel like because I wasn't opening up to him and that we shouldn't have moved into together so quickly. So, I angrily told him we should just end things and he stormed off. The next day, he came back and we talked for a little bit. He said he thought we needed some time apart to figure out our own . We haven't talked or seen each other since."

"Damn." Taemin let out a huff of air. "Sounds intense." I raised my eyebrows and nodded. "I mean, I understand both of you, and I definitely don't think you should have moved into together so soon. And that's from an objective, friend perspective and not a jealous, kind-of-ex-boyfriend perspective."

"Thanks for the clarification," I said with a chuckle, glancing at him. I sighed lightly as I looked away. "I think I was just so afraid that his parents would make him move so far away that we'd never talk, so I thought moving in together made sense at the time. Looking back, maybe it didn't."

"It definitely didn't, but I can understand that. You've always been the type whose actions speak louder than his words," he replied.

"If only Kyungsoo could understand that." I shook my head and began playing with my fingers.

"Well, to be fair, you haven't been dating that long. I mean, from what I know, you didn't even take time before you started dating to get to know each other. How could he know that if you didn't give him time to?"

"So, what you're saying is everything is my fault?" I asked as I lifted my head and looked at him. 

"No, that's the last thing I'm trying to say. Maybe you should open your ears some more," he said as he lightly punched me. "I'm saying you acted exactly like hormonal teenagers in love are supposed to act--on impulse. You didn't stop to look at the bigger picture before you acted, which may have felt nice at the time, but now you're both realizing that that was actually a mistake. We used to be like that, remember? I think you told me you loved me right after the first time we kissed."

"Okay, that was different," I said in my own defense. "You actually took time to make me feel comfortable enough to talk to you. But it just feels like Kyungsoo expects me to just be able to do it with him, like I'm playing some kind of game or pretending. He's said he's willing to wait, but his actions don't show it."

"Then that's something he needs to work on, but you also have things to work on. You can't expect him to do all of this work and not meet him halfway." I looked at Taemin again. "I don't know what made you close up, Jongin, but people aren't nearly as bad as you make them out to be in your head. Yeah, they up plenty, but you've been really lucky to find people who genuinely care about you: Baekhyun, Luhan, even Xiumin, and especially Kyungsoo. Not everyone is out to get you."

Frustrated, I sighed and laid my face in my hands for a moment. "Do you think it would have been easier if we had just actually dated?" I asked as I slowly turned my eyes to him, my voice quieter now. 

He scoffed beside me and looked down, briefly widening his eyes before answering. "We would have had our fair share of issues, too," he said, making eye contact with me. "They might not have been over communication, but I'm sure my parents would have been involved somewhere." I sighed again, but my eyes never left his. "But we would have dated if that's what we both wanted and I mean truly wanted. Back then, I loved the idea of being your boyfriend, but you never seemed to feel the same way, so I never pressured or cornered you or anything. Over time, my romantic feelings for you faded and I accepted that we just weren't meant to be together like that."

"So you don't ever ask yourself what if?"

He stared at me for a moment before looking away and speaking again. "Sure, I do, and maybe in some parallel universe, there is a version of you and me where we do date. But that's not this universe, Jongin. There's no point in looking back or pushing against the grain of time."

"Yeah, I suppose." I let out a heavy sigh as I looked back down at my fingers. A minute of silence passed between us before I spoke up. "This might sound weird or needy, but...would you mind staying with me for a few days? Just until I get used to being alone."

I heard him smile and pull me into a side hug. "I'd set the world on fire if you asked me to," he replied, earning a genuine laugh from me. I turned my head to meet his eyes. "Of course, I'll stay with you. Besides, if it'll get me out of my parents' house, I'll do just about anything these days." I laughed again and then he stood up, holding out his hand once he was on his feet. "Let's clean up and get out here, okay?"

I smiled faintly and took his hand, allowing him to pull me up to my feet.