Kyungsoo

In some ways, time started to heal the wounds. I made an effort to spend more time by myself in the following weeks, doing things I enjoyed and even things I found difficult like journaling about my feelings and flaws and strengths. I felt free and in a confusing way, I think that was what helped me start to feel better about the break. On the one hand, feeling liberated and not suffocated was nice, but there was still a big part of my heart that longed for Kai, and I was reminded of it on my bad days. But even during those times, I tried to remind myself of Hyunsik's advice and use that longing as a source of hope, hope for us and for our relationship.

One weekend, Baekhyun made another visit, this time bringing Chanyeol with him. We agreed to meet for a late lunch at a restaurant close to campus after my last class on Friday. So, as soon as class was dismissed, I excitedly packed up my things and made the short journey to the restaurant. I saw them sitting inside already as I made my way to the door, so when I got inside, I let the hostess know I was with them. The server came over and took my drink order not long after.

"You look surprisingly vibrant," Baekhyun commented after I sat down. I smiled shyly as I took my backpack off and set it on the chair next to me. "Are you and Kai on that kind of break?"

My smile was quickly replaced with surprise. "You knew about that?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't we?" Baekhyun shrugged as he reached for his drink. "Kai wasn't answering our messages in the group chat, which he never really does, but he at least says something snarky every once and again. When he wasn't even doing that, we all worried and asked Taemin if he knew anything."

I nodded as I looked away. It always came back to Taemin. 

"Have you guys really not talked in a month?" Baekhyun asked after a brief silence. 

"Mm, yeah, I guess...I haven't really been keeping track anymore," I answered honestly. 

"Wow." Baekhyun sighed, sat back in his chair, and shook his head. "I mean, I knew the whole moving in together thing would blow up in your faces somehow, but I never thought I'd see the day where you two weren't together."

"Well, we're still together technically," I corrected him instinctively. "We just needed some time apart to figure things out that we couldn't figure out together, you know? I didn't break up with him. I don't want to do that."

"Then you might want to let him know that. According to Taemin, he's been pretty quiet even around him. And I think we all know by now that the quieter Kai gets..."

"...the worse he's feeling," I finished for him with a light sigh. I glanced down at the table as I rested my arms on it. "I feel bad for making him close up, but I also don't want to go rushing back into things too soon. I've actually been doing really well and have finally been able to start sorting through the mess in my head, so the time apart has worked...well, for me at least."

"I didn't say you had to go running into his arms again, but it might help to just talk to him and catch up," Baekhyun suggested with a shrug. "Just let him know the door is still ajar, you know?"

I stared at him for a long moment until the server came back with my drink, telling us they'd be back to take our food orders in a minute. I moved my eyes to Chanyeol. "What do you make of this?" I asked, my question making his eyes go wide for a moment. 

"I don't know," he said with a shrug. "I try to stay out of it. I'm still working through the high school drama." Baekhyun and I chuckled at that. 

"Obviously, you don't have to talk to him before you're ready, but if he's really still hurting the way Taemin suggests he is, even just catching up with you might make him feel better," Baekhyun explained, making my eyes move back to him. 

I began nodding my head slowly. Then, I wrapped my hand around the cup my drink was in. "Maybe."

::::::::

The more I thought about it, the more guilty I felt. I knew taking a break would be painful for both of us, so it wasn't like I thought my intention to not hurt him would actually materialize into anything significant. Still, it killed me to know he was hurting and it killed me even more to know that he couldn't even talk to Taemin about it. 

That was why I decided to drop by the studio before heading back to Suho's after spending a few hours with Baekhyun. Something told me that if he was feeling as upset as it seemed he was, that was the most likely place he'd be. I didn't know what I would say to him no matter how hard I tried to concoct something in my mind on the way there, but I knew I had to make one thing clear: I wasn't ready to come back yet, but with a little more time, I would. I hoped he would let me. 

The sun hadn't yet started to set, but as I approached the studio, I could tell it was getting ready to. When I first turned the corner and saw the panel of glass windows, I could see Kai sitting on the floor. Taemin became part of the picture when I walked up a little further. I moved back a little so they wouldn't see me, but so that I could still see them. They were talking and drinking, which was evident by the empty cans of beer that were pushed into a pile near another pile of half-eaten fried chicken in containers. Kai began laughing at one point and as he leaned back, his face went under one of the rays of light. This allowed me to see how flushed his face had become, which was all of the evidence I needed to know he was drunk. 

I looked away for a couple of moments to recollect my thoughts. I couldn't have talked to him drunk, though I thought it might get some of his true feelings out finally. I was quick to decide to just come back another time or call him in a couple of days. 

However, as I went to turn around, I happened to glance back in and see something I hoped I would never see. 

Kai

Alcohol and loneliness weren't great companions. But I liked feeling numb, even if it came with ty results later. With everything going on in my heart and mind, I think I needed to feel a sense of nothingness for a while. I needed peace. 

Taemin sat back down next to me after collecting all of the trash into one area, cracking open one more beer for himself. "Ah," he said after he swallowed the drink he took. "I can't remember the last time you and I just ate chicken and drank beer like this."

"Probably when we weren't supposed to be drinking beer," I said, my words coming out slightly slurred. He laughed and nodded his head, intoxicated too but definitely not as much as me. "I used to be so competitive about it, too. I'm such a lightweight, but you could drink so many and still be okay. I hated that you even had to be better at drinking than me."

He chuckled again. "I come from a long line of drinkers," he said. "Not alcoholics, just borderline alcoholics. You know, the classy rich kind of alcoholics."

"You mean the kind that we hide their alcoholic family member?"

He pointed at me. "Exactly." 

"Sounds about right," I said, briefly looking away as he took another sip. My eyes turned back to him. "Your family never did like me, did they? They probably thought I was some kind of thug who was gonna turn you gay and then steal your money, right?"

Taemin laughed again. "I can't say they had those thoughts exactly, but no, they definitely didn't like you," he said. He looked off and sighed before continuing, dragging his finger around the rim of the can absentmindedly. "They always said I should make friends with people from my own league or whatever, but all of those people were so spoiled and stuck up. I felt better being around you and Baekhyun and Luhan and Xiumin and Sehun."

"Yeah, well, when you're poor, you can't hide who you are as well," I retorted before grabbing my drink and finishing it. I set it back on the floor after I swallowed. "Maybe that's why you can see through me so well." I turned my head and looked at him again, finding that he was already looking at me. "You don't need to tear down my wall because you just see right over it."

"I'm not that tall, but I'll take that as a compliment," he replied, earning a loud laugh from me as I threw my head back. Once my laughter faded, I exhaled and moved my eyes toward him again. 

"You know what conclusion I've reached?"

He swallowed the drink he took before looking at me. "What?"

"It would have been easier." His face fell a little, telling me he knew exactly what I meant. "I don't have to explain myself to you. I don't have to tell you how I feel for you to know. It would be easier with you."

"Jongin, I--" He blinked and let out a sigh, but before he could say anything else, I leaned closer and pressed my lips again his. He pulled back immediately, making my heart ache with a sense of rejection. 

I was drunk, but I wasn't so gone that I couldn't take a hint. I knew when I wasn't wanted. 

I moved back to my previous position and grabbed the can of beer next to me. When I brought it up to my lips, I realized it was empty. I scoffed in disappointment and slammed it back down on the floor. 

So much for feeling numb.