Kai

I wanted to call after him, but I didn't. I tried to reach out for him, but I couldn't. 

Why hadn't I told him about Taemin sooner? I wanted to say I didn't know, but deep down, I knew why. But saying it out loud and thinking it were different. If I said it out loud, it would make everything real. So, I just stayed quiet.

I was anxious when I woke up and saw that he wasn't in bed. I didn't know what I could say to make it better or if there was anything I could say at all. I knew what he wanted me to do, what I needed to do. I needed to actually talk to him about what was going on in my mind. But how do you even begin to put utter chaos into coherent words?

Once I finally found the courage, I got up and carefully walked out into the living room. I didn't see him there or in the kitchen, which made me a little more anxious, but it wasn't long after that that he came out of the bathroom, jumping a little when he saw me. 

"You're up," he said plainly yet still in that deep, soft voice I found so much comfort in. 

He stood there awkwardly and looked at me for a moment before clearing his throat and walking into the kitchen. He went over to the coffee pot, but instead of pulling out his travel mug, he took two regular cups out of the cupboard above it, which told me he didn't have anywhere to be this morning despite being fully dressed for the day already. I was stilling watching silently as he filled each cup a little more than half full and added just a small amount of cream to his. I wondered why he left mine untouched.

"Are you still mad at me?" I asked, finally speaking up. When he turned to look at me, a confused expression came over his face. 

"I never said I was mad at you," he replied simply. "Did something I said make you think I was?"

"Not exactly, but you just kind of ended the conversation, so I thought...I don't think I even apologized."

"I ended it because it didn't seem like you wanted to talk about it, not because I was mad. I was upset and still kind of am, but I wasn't going to push you into a conversation you clearly weren't ready to have."

His eyes gave him away, like they always did. He was more upset than he wanted to let me believe, but I knew it wasn't just about Taemin anymore. It made me wonder when he started to feel like he had to act tough around me. 

"Well, if it's worth anything anyway, I'm sorry for not telling you," I said. "I didn't have any ill intention behind it, but I can see how it would seem like that, so I'm sorry for hurting you."

"It's okay. I get why you didn't. It's complicated with him," he said. He tried to smile, but his eyes let me know that it wasn't actually okay. , why couldn't I say anything? Why couldn't I tell him what we both already knew? Why were we wasting time and breaths saying things we really didn't mean? Why had I let it become this way?

"I'm sorry." It was all I could say. Those were the only words that I could say right now and I really hoped he understood that. I hoped he understood what they truly meant. I had my lowered at that point, but I heard him set his coffee cup down and the gentle sound of his approaching footsteps. He slid his hands between my arms and torso and hugged me, pressing his ear against my beating heart. 

"I just want you to trust me," he whispered, I think to both me and my heart. "I love you and I want you to trust me." I felt tears prickling my eyes as my breaths became shallow. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close before he could pull back and see. 

I wanted to trust him, too.

Kyungsoo

It felt like we had made some kind of breakthrough, like he let me remove one brick from the walls that protected him. Still, though, it was only one brick and I didn't know how long it would be until he let me remove another one. I wanted to be patient and I knew I needed to be because only time would make him feel comfortable enough to open up to me. But how long would it take until I felt like I wasting my time? For Kai, I was willing to do anything, but I was so afraid of losing myself waiting for him. 

With Baekhyun back at school and busy, there was no one for me to really talk to. Sure, there were Kai's friends and Sehun, but I didn't think I could confide in them about him because I knew what they'd say. "That's just how he is. That's just Kai." I didn't know if that was supposed to make me feel better, but if it was, the job wasn't getting done.

It was kind of pathetic really. I was going to be a sophomore in college soon and had no friends, no human connections without Kai. I was basically still in high school except Suho had been replaced by Kai. How had I become someone who was only capable of making friends with other people's help? I supposed I didn't really have an answer for that, but I did know that it needed to change. I didn't intend to live the rest of my life as someone who could be left utterly alone by simply cutting one connecting string. 

I figured my major was a good place to start. After all, they say the easiest way to make new friends is to meet people you have something in common with. Luckily for me after our big test, the people in my study group invited me out for drinks and dinner to celebrate. Old Kyungsoo would have said no, but I intended to be new Kyungsoo, so I said yes. 

"Cheers!" We all clinked our glasses of beer together before taking a drink. 

"Ah, why does beer always taste better after taking a test?" Minhyun asked, briefly staring lovingly at his glass. 

"Because we no longer have to pull our hair out trying to study for it," Yeseul replied. She took another quick swig. "I don't think I care what grade I get. I'm just glad it's over."

"Yeah, for now anyway. If we had to work this hard for a unit test, I can't imagine what the midterm will be like," Harin said from her spot beside Minhyun.

Yeseul rolled her eyes and sat her glass down with a rather loud sound. "You're always such a downer," she said to her. "Let's not think about the midterm right now. Let's just try to enjoy ourselves for the night, yeah?"

"Agreed," Hyunsik said, making me turn my head to the side to look at him. He raised his glass again, prompting us to follow suit and cheers again. 

"Okay, last test comment, I swear," Minhyun said a few moments after. "Kyungsoo, I'd like to just thank you for being so organized because without that outline you made, I would have been totally unfocused."

"Yeah, it was really helpful for me, too!" Harin said, both her and Minhyun now looking at me. "How did you find the motivation to do all that?"

Blushing a little, I swallowed nervously before answering. "W-Well, I guess I've always just had a lot of time on my hands," I said honestly. 

"Well, not for much longer you won't," Minhyun said. "If get a good grade on this test, you're officially my new best friend and I will be bothering you all the time to hang out."

My blush deepened as I chuckled. "Thanks, I guess," I said. I went quiet for a brief moment, feeling the alcohol slowly beginning to take away my inhibitions. "It's been nice, you know, getting to know you guys. In high school, I didn't really have any friends until junior year, but I consider them more of my boyfriend's friends than mine still. I don't think I've ever really had friends of my own."

"Now you do," Yeseul said as she gently nudged my arm, smiling brightly at me.

"That's right! College friends are the best friends to have because nothing binds to people together better than mutual anxiety caused by the ty education system," Harin said, earning a laugh from all of us. 

"Then, to the ty education system," Hyunsik said, initiating another toast. As I looked around at them as we talked for the rest of the dinner, I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so happy and carefree. Maybe it was the beer talking, but I just felt genuinely good, probably for the first time in my life.

:::::::

After dinner ended, Hyunsik offered to split a cab with me since we were both travelling in the same direction. We weren't totally drunk, so we were able to have a decent conversation during the ride. 

"So, have you and your boyfriend been together since junior year then?" he asked me.

"Mhmm, not fully. I think it was more toward the end when we made it official," I responded. 

"And you're living together now?"

"Uh-huh. It's funny. You'd think after almost two years of dating that we'd be ready for that, but it doesn't feel like that, at least not to me."

He tilted his head slightly in curiosity. "How so?"

"We just don't talk like we should." I exhaled. "He's not the talkative, vulnerable type, so when he's going through something, big or small, he keeps it in. I'm just not like that. I have to talk about it and maybe cry about it if I need to. I don't know, it just feels like he doesn't trust me, but sometimes, I think I'm overreacting."

"I'd say that's a valid concern," Hyunsik said, glancing away for a second. 

"You do?"

"Sure." He looked back at me as he nodded. "I mean, you should be able to talk to your partner without feeling like you're bothering them or like you won't be heard. It's not healthy to keep everything shoved down inside, you know?"

"That's what I'm saying!" I said, utterly relieved that someone was finally seeing my full perspective. "I know everyone is different and I don't expect him to tell me his whole life story in one sitting, but at least crack the door open for me, give me a sign that you're trying to let me in." 

"Then maybe you need to initiate that conversation," he suggested. "Obviously, it's important to respect his boundaries, but you need to respect yourself, too, Kyungsoo. Don't accommodate so much for him that you lose sight of yourself. It might hurt to realize, but if you aren't getting what you need from him and are scared you never will, then maybe it's not meant to be...not now right now anyway."

I hummed and laid my head against the window. Of course, those thoughts had crossed my mind. I always thought about what it would be like to see the day I had to choose myself over Kai because I couldn't wait anymore. Just thinking about it hurt like hell, so I knew experiencing it would feel even worse. That's why I hoped I would never have to.

The cab pulled up in front of the apartment building and before I got out, I grabbed my half of the fare out of my wallet and gave it to the driver. 

"Thanks for tonight," I said to Hyunsik before sighing lightly. "I really needed this."

"Any time," he said, smiling back at me. "See you tomorrow?" I hummed again, this time nodding shortly. I got out of the cab, waving to him before the car pulled away down the street. I stood there until it disappeared and then turned around to look up at our apartment. The kitchen light was on. I was relieved in a way, but still anxious in another. I wondered if there would ever come a day when it wouldn't be.