# S for Saudade:

In the spring when Jungshin is twenty-three years old, he books a ticket to go back to Sydney. This time he reserves a hotel only five-minute walk away from Avalon Beach, which used to be the location for Jonghyun’s photo-shoot during their World Tour. The hotel is within the sound of the ocean, so close that even on closing the windows, Jungshin can still smell the salty flavor floating in the breeze. Sometimes in the past he used to say that travel meant a form of healing to him, and he hopes that it still does.

Jungshin arrives at Sydney airport in the midday of March 14^th. He wears black skinny jeans, white shirt with simple striped cardigan, since no doubt Australia will be a little cold as spring slowly fills the air in Korea; and just in case, a snapback with a pair of huge sunglasses for disguise. However, the bassist knows that without CNBLUE, without other members, without press and beforehand information, he is no longer an idol but just Lee Jungshin, a 187-cm tall boy who is just big and not yet experienced. He is no longer recognized.

In the evening, after long shower and a small bread for supper, Jungshin would lie on bed, waiting for the clock on his iPad to turn five fifteen. Then he would see Jonghyun, graceful and aesthetic, walking side by side with his partner on the show of We Got Married. His alluring smile, his bewitching voice, his entrancing melody of guitar. So this is how he looks like when he is in love. So this is how he looks like when he is with a girl. So this is how he looks like when trying to show off some romantic sides of his yet just fails hard. So this is how Jonghyun looks like without him. After the show ends, Jungshin simply turns the device off, feeling impressed at how calm he can maintain.

Few hours before midnight strikes, Jungshin would walk to the shore of Avalon, where he would lay on the sand with bare feet. So this is how he looks like when he is alone in nostalgia. So this is how he looks like when yearning to be healed that bad. Jungshin listens as the waves kiss the sand, hoping the charismatic rhythm swirling with the wind will finally lure him to sleep. Above his head and beyond the horizon lies a whole starlit sky.

It is bittersweet to admit that, no matter where he goes, Jungshin will always end up being reminded of Jonghyun. This is how he would be healed, but also how he would be devastated.

「Only sadness and melancholy that does not leave me

I try to compare fading love to the setting moon

In there, I am sure there is left over saudade」