The nights were long now. Sunggyu was in the habit of waking up several times in the night, but at his age, he was grateful to wake up. That meant he was still alive. Every moment, every breath, especially every beat, creak or sound of his old life was precious.

When he woke, like every time he woke, his eyes opened to the other side of the bed. But it was empty. That’s right, Sunggyu reminded himself. Woohyun’s gone. Sunggyu’s hand slithered along the sheets to that empty spot. It was cold, as it should’ve been. Woohyun had been gone for the long time, but Sunggyu left the younger his spot out of habit, as if he was waiting for Woohyun to slid right back in. But that wouldn’t happen, not right now. It was morning, and Sunggyu had to leave the bed too, which he couldn’t do without several creaks and groans. With his aged fingers, he fumbled with his hearing device on the nightstand. Curses fell from his lips as he almost dropped it. Things weren’t going well this morning already. He hoped that this wouldn’t be indicative of the rest of the day. Today was an important day.

Sunggyu dragged his feets towards the mirror as he held tightly onto the device. In spite of the years and years of connecting the device into his implant, he was still worried that it would suddenly fail, and his hearing would be lost forever, irrecoverable. Sunggyu sighed at his reflection in the mirror. The worry showed on his face. The wrinkles across his forehead and between his eyes deepened, aging him years in just seconds. I don’t need to look any older. He was already 67. “When did I get this old?” Sunggyu asked as he tried to relax. But it was hard to when he was staring at himself with his grey hair and wearing his shabby, old boxers with a small belly hanging over the rim of them. Sunggyu pulled at his thin undershirt, straightened up, and in his gut. But he was still a far-cry from the thirty year-old he used to be. Sunggyu relaxed and his belly poked out again under his shirt. This was as good as it was going to get.

His eyes then fell down to his hand, to the device. It was time to start his morning routine. Sunggyu in a breath and held it as he plugged the device into the implant. It still worked. Sounds floated through him like fuzzy memories, before they became clearer. His eyes gripped the edges of the counter and his eyes were shut tight as Sunggyu let those sounds flow through him. Each sound reminded him of another, all of which was tied to a memory as precious as the sound was. And Sunggyu let himself be dragged down, down, down by them into a song of reverie.

---

It all started with silence, but with tension slowly building in the air. Nothing was happening, nothing except waiting, and waiting, and waiting for something to finally start. But the progress had been a little too slow for Sunggyu. He was starting to feel like nothing would happen for him at all.

At first, Sunggyu had liked it, liked the silence and the stagnancy of his life. He’d gotten out a relationship that had always been difficult. Together, things seemed like they should’ve been harmonious, but they clashed instead. And Sunggyu felt let down by that, resigned to bachelordom. But he had liked it. It was comforting. There wasn’t any sudden disruptions in the flow of his life. And when he did want disruptions and excitement, he could always go to his sister’s place with her family and the calamity that went along with that.

He was his own conductor, leading an empty orchestra. But he didn’t feel alone, at first.

Sunggyu didn’t know when this lifestyle began irritating him. However, eventually he found himself hating his life when he was sitting alone at night with a beer in one hand but nothing in the other. He stared at that empty hand, wondering if he had anything else better to do with it than just to let it lie limply next to him. It made him feel so useless.

The next day, he signed up to be a counselor for an online chatroom. Afterwards, he spent his nights in orientation, training for it, and not long afterwards he then spent the nights putting his training into effect. He felt more accomplished now. He was helping other people to find their rhythm and build their life’s song, while he was still struggling to regain his own.

But he was almost there. The tension, the anticipation, was thick in the air; Sunggyu could feel it. The tiny hairs on the back of his neck stood up. Electric excitement coursed through his veins. His fingers itched to move, to begin. Something was about to happen.

It all started with one, small, unplanned disruption. The cashier at the convenience store changed. It used to be a girl, with a tight ponytail and a sullen face. Now it been replaced with an equally as sullen boy. Sunggyu just assumed that the graveyard shift was suitable for sullen people, and hadn’t thought anything more of it, until the next night. He had caught the boy laughing at comic from a magazine that he’d pulled from one of the shelves, but when the cashier noticed that Sunggyu had slunk into the store, his usual frown returned. The cashier pushed the magazine aside and greeted Sunggyu with a dead voice to match the dead hour. Sunggyu bowed back, but as he made his way to the beer in the back, he cocked his head. The smile suited the boy’s face more than the frown did. It made him look alive. Maybe he’s like me, Sunggyu thought as he pulled the cup ramyun from the shelf. Maybe he just lost his rhythm too. Maybe he’s waiting for something to start too.

Then it happened.

nwh91: Do things get better? Because I’m starting to think they don’t.

Now this person hadn’t just fallen out of rhythm. Sunggyu doubted if nwh91 even had a melody, or a just a single note to begin with. Throughout his time with this job, Sunggyu had come across plenty of people at the ends of their rope, on the brink of desperation. Receiving a message like this wasn’t anything new, but just something about it felt different from the others.

Most of the questions that Sunggyu was asked in the chatroom, the asker already had a set answer in mind. But this person. “I’m starting to think…” This person didn’t want to be like this, to think like this.

So Sunggyu tried to conduct him away from that line of thought. It was dangerous line to travel down. Sunggyu himself had been there before, when he thought he’d lost everything (and in some ways, he had).

answerking12: They do.

nwh91: How do you know?

Sunggyu leaned back in his desk chair, wringing his hands and rolling his neck as he tried to think of an answer. He was stumped. He really didn’t know. Honestly, he expected nwh91 to type out a “thank you” and leave the chatroom. What now?

What now? Sunggyu was taken back to his early twenties, a time that he wasn’t particularly proud or fond of, a time spent in an induced (or not) haze. He’d been plunged into this new world of silence and forced to acclimate to it but was too far deep in shock to be able to cope with it all. He had no direction, no dream. He was lost, much like this person was now.

And Sunggyu had asked himself the same question. Will things get better for me? And eventually he arrived at the answer: they have to. They have to get better because he couldn’t continue to live like this. They have to get better because he hated living like this. They have to get better because...

answerking12: Because they have to.

And with that, nwh91 left the chatroom.

But that user came back again and again every night after that conversation. Sunggyu couldn’t help but to grin whenever he saw the username pop up. He had very few regulars, and none of which were so regular. Nwh91 never missed a night. Nwh91, for some reason, liked Sunggyu, and that made him feel good. This user began to feel like one of his clients that he’d meet in person. Sunggyu wouldn’t be surprised if nwh91 was disabled in some way like he was. In a way, everyone had a ‘disability,’ something that made them ‘imperfect’ and kept them from doing things that they wanted to do in life. But, there were always ways around those disabilities. Sunggyu was proof of it. That was the crux of his motivational talks, what he wanted to tell the whole world: only you get in the way of achieving your dreams in the end.

Sunggyu considered inviting nhw91 to come to one of his lectures, but that would be too forward. This relationship was only virtual, a digital mentor and mentee. Sunggyu doubted that it could be anything more.

However things took a turn when this question popped up:

nwh91: What’s the purpose of living?

Sunggyu nearly fell out of his chair. Not again, not you too, he thought as he reached for the manual next to him. It was filled with suggested phrases to say whenever a user showed dangerous signs like this. But after frantically flipping back and forth between the pages, Sunggyu abandoned the manual and went with the ill-formed thoughts in his head.

answerking12: Everyone lives for different reasons: wealth, fame, music, art, love, friends, for someone else, etc. Whatever your reason, living is worth it. It always is. Because no matter how low you might feel right now, you will feel twice as high later on. Things taste sweeter after eating only bitter things. Things get better.

Please, please don’t let this happen again, Sunggyu begged, and accidentally begged to nwh91 the same thing (his fingers typed out the message before his brain could register it). Sunggyu had run across several users with signs of suicidal thoughts, and then he’d never hear from them again, leaving him to wonder what would happen to them for days and days afterwards. It was a feeling of dread that he couldn’t shake off. Did they? Did I not try hard enough? Say the right thing? Are they okay now?

Luckily, Sunggyu was overreacting in this moment. Nwh91 was just fine, just bored. Sunggyu laid a hand over his racing heart and let out a deep breath. “Don’t scare me like that,” he chided the user under his breath and later in his message.

But the user did come back with a less scary question.

nwh91: How are you?

And it ended up being one of Sunggyu’s favorite questions that he’d ever been asked in the chatroom. It started the most casual and enjoyable conversation that he had in the chatroom for a long time. He really felt like he made a genuine connection with this person. And so when nwh91 (who revealed himself to be a twenty year-old male) later asked if they were friends, Sunggyu readily said “yes.”

But Sunggyu still doubted if this relationship would ever venture outside the virtual walls of the chatroom. He felt a connection with this boy, but it was a tenuous one. Sunggyu was used to people leaving the chatroom, never to return. That notion lurked in the back of his mind whenever they talked. This might be our last. Don’t get too attached.

However the connection wasn’t as weak as Sunggyu thought it was. It had been strengthened by another tie that the both of them were unaware of: the convenience store.

Sunggyu saw the cashier every night, and every night the cashier grew to be less and less sullen. He also began to look younger because of it, with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes and a smile always hiding behind his lips. How old is this kid? Sunggyu thought one night as he was handing the money over to the cashier. I wonder what’s gotten into him lately. He looked down at the nametag on his vest. Woohyun. What has gotten into Woohyun lately?

Sunggyu then looked up. Oh no. The cashier was wearing a mask, but Sunggyu could see his lips moving underneath them. I can’t tell. He’s talking to me, but I can’t read him. Sunggyu grew flustered. He hated being caught like this. You hadn’t tried to talk to me at all. Why now? If it had been any other night, Sunggyu could’ve read him and replied, forcing out a cough all the while, pretending to be the sick one and masking his imperfect speech. Sunggyu didn’t want to be rude, but he also wasn’t in the mood to explain himself and his condition. He was already exhausted, physically and emotionally. So he just left without a word, taking his items and his secret tucked under his arm.

But his ‘secret’ was out in the open soon afterwards when Hoya came from the States to visit Sunggyu. Still unaccustomed to the time difference and knowing his hyung’s night owl schedule, Hoya joined Sunggyu for the night. After his shift in the chatroom, the two of them went down to the store to pick up snacks, and they continued their conversation as they shopped through the store. When they got to the register, Woohyun was staring at them in amazement. “I’ve never seen ahjussi so excited before,” the boy remarked. Sunggyu narrowed his eyes on him, curious. What was I like before? Quiet, sullen, with the occasionally small smile. Sunggyu was to Woohyun as Woohyun was to him, except older. It hadn’t dawned on him until this moment: they were seeing completely different sides of each other. Right now, Woohyun was seeing Sunggyu as he usually was, which was deaf but still incredibly chatty. And Sunggyu saw that Woohyun had actually taken notice of him, that he might’ve cared about his regulars as much as Sunggyu cared about his.

And the extent of Woohyun’s care showed the following night, when he tried to talk with Sunggyu in sign language. Even though it was a basic conversation, Sunggyu was touched by it. It was effort that Sunggyu never expected the boy to put into his job, or into him. It lead him to wonder, Who is this kid? Because the cashier was upturning all of his expectations. But who Woohyun really was was revealed later that night, when Sunggyu rushed back into the store to retrieve his phone.

Woohyun was nwh91.

At first, Sunggyu had a difficult time reconciling the two separate identities into one person. Woohyun was proving himself to be of a more cheerful and considerate disposition, but nwh91 was a bit self-absorbed, pessimistic, and attention starved, or so he seemed. What nwh91 really was was only one side of Nam Woohyun, the one that he hides from the rest of the world. Nwh91 was nothing more than the innermost thoughts and worries of a twenty year-old boy; it wasn’t a person. And so the mental image that Sunggyu had of his chatroom mentee was really just a caricature of a person. “But I never imagined you like this...so happy. So smiley,” he told Woohyun when they were finally having their first conversation face-to-face (and when Woohyun hadn’t stopped grinning from the moment that they sat down).

“It’s because I finally met my friend.”

And just like that, their virtual relationship became real, and Sunggyu’s view of new friend began changing from then on (and still changes to this day).

One of the first things that Sunggyu realized was that Woohyun did have a melody, but it was off-beat and tired. He just needed a bit of fine tuning, or a lot of it. Woohyun looked every bit as lost as he sounded in the chatroom. His hair was long and unstyled, his clothes were hand-me-downs from someone obviously not in his own generation, and he just was plain scruffy. Woohyun gave off the image that he needed to be taken care of, protected, or that was until Sunggyu watched him guzzle down a can of beer in a few seconds. Nam Woohyun wasn’t a child (entirely). He could take care of himself (mostly).

Second, Woohyun had a dream, the same one that Sunggyu had when he was younger, so he immediately refuted as an option for Woohyun. Woohyun already reminded him of a younger version of himself. There was no reason for the boy to end up like Sunggyu did, so Sunggyu tried to discourage him the best he could, even inviting to the boy to his talk and then telling him the whole story later, back at the apartment. Sunggyu wanted to scare him away. He really didn’t want Woohyun to end up like him.

Third, Woohyun was like him, but not at the same time. “I am like you. I love music. I love singing. I can work hard for what I want. I can be stubborn. But I’m not you. I’m more handsome. I have less shame. I can do it...Hyung, let me do it for the both of us,” Woohyun himself had said that. And when he did, it was if the boy reached deep within Sunggyu’s chest and plucked at his heart’s string. Not only did he feel a great tug towards Woohyun, but the feeling reverberated throughout his core. But the boy only played one note, one haunting note that stuck with Sunggyu, who played it over and over again in his mind’s ear. It was haunting because it was a feeling that he thought he shouldn’t have for Woohyun, which he was only reminded of when the younger called him “Dad” just moments after.

We’re like a family, Sunggyu tried to rationalize that feeling away, or at least diminish it (and at the same time, give it credence). I care about him like any older brother cares for his dongsaeng. Sunggyu did like that notion of being the family that Woohyun never had growing up. And family was exactly what Sunggyu was losing as he was growing older. He lived hours away from his parents, and Sunggyu didn’t have a job that he could freely take breaks from. So he saw his parents about once a year. And sure, he had an older sister in the city that he could visit more readily, but the older her children got, the less time she had for baby brother. So Sunggyu had the silly notion that he and Woohyun (and sometimes Hoya) could become a pseudo-family, a small group that eats together, supports each other, and takes away the loneliness. But that came crashing down when Hoya texted that Woohyun was with his family after the auditions. And the boy who felt like his dongsaeng, who made him ‘hear’ that note, now felt distant from him. What is this? Who is he? Sunggyu didn’t feel like he knew anymore, or knew what their relationship was like.

As it would turn out, Sunggyu wasn’t the only one with doubts about what they were.

“I thought you said that I wasn’t like your clients,” Woohyun argued. “Just because I don’t need you like that, it doesn’t mean that I don’t need you at all.”

Then how? How do you need me? Why do you need me? Sunggyu didn’t get a straight answer out of Woohyun that night, so he just had to be content with the fact that he was needed by Woohyun. That would have to suffice.

But what Sunggyu really should’ve been asking himself was: why did he want Woohyun to need him? He didn’t arrive at that answer until much, much later (or more like he knew the answer but was choosing to ignore it).

Occasionally, Sunggyu would ‘hear’ that haunting note again, playing on his heart. Like after Woohyun had told Sunggyu his life’s story and kept looking for the other’s reaction. Like when Sunggyu had watched Woohyun’s face flash on his television screen for the first time.Twice when Woohyun called Sunggyu his “best friend.”

But that note was soon joined by another, and then another, stringing together to form an entire sweet melody when Woohyun hugged him a second time. At first, Sunggyu didn’t know what was going on. Woohyun had just crawled into his lap and wrapped his arms around Sunggyu. Why? I was just encouraging him, giving him my support. What his he doing?

“Hugging,” Woohyun answered. Sunggyu didn’t even realize that he asked the question out loud. “You must not do it enough. You keep asking me what I’m doing every time I try.”

And that was true. Sunggyu didn’t hug enough, not for him. Sunggyu was a pretty tactile person to begin with. He liked feeling that someone was with him, physically. And now with his hearing gone, Sunggyu depended on his sense of touch all the more. He really didn’t hug enough, not nearly enough.

So Sunggyu pulled the younger back into his arms, when Woohyun asked for “just five minutes.” He didn’t need much coercing. And it didn’t take Woohyun long for him to get comfortable in Sunggyu’s lap, nestling his head against the crook of the elder’s neck. Sunggyu could feel the younger’s fingers anchor onto his shirt, his hair brushing against his cheek, and his warm breath glancing off of his skin, which was slowing down little by little as Woohyun drifted into sleep. When Sunggyu realized that Woohyun was a few seconds from a deep slumber, he tried to lift the younger off of him. But Woohyun stuck, like he always had. And Sunggyu, too busy noticing what he was feeling, completely ignored what he wasn’t feeling, namely his legs which had gone numb under Woohyun’s weight. He couldn’t even stand up, let alone carry Woohyun to the bed. And a small part of Sunggyu was grateful for that. He could indulge himself a bit more, run his fingers through the younger’s hair as he swayed to the melody in his heart.

Sunggyu closed his eyes too, but couldn’t sleep. The melody was playing over and over again in his mind, demanding to be ‘heard.’ So Sunggyu finally ‘listened’ and accepted it. He was falling in love with Woohyun. It was still happening no matter how hard he tried to ground himself in some reason why he couldn’t be. Like, Woohyun was too young, just barely an adult and was still trying to figure himself out. Or Sunggyu was just lonely, and Woohyun happened to be there whenever he needed it. It didn’t mean anything. Woohyun couldn’t possibly like him back, or shouldn’t. And if he did, it wouldn’t be like how Sunggyu felt about him right now. That didn’t seem likely. And in spite of all of those doubts, Sunggyu was still falling, and he felt his voice humming to the tune of his heart.

“I like you,” Sunggyu murmured under his breath. And Woohyun responded back with a loud snore. Sunggyu chuckled as he tapped his fingers along the other’s back. “Yea, I thought you say that...Hyunnie...Woohyun-ah. You have to wake up...YAH!” he yelled as he tried to pry the younger’s eyes open with his fingers.

Sunggyu had woken up more than just Woohyun with that shout. Sunggyu had always said that younger reminded him of himself, and never so much as Woohyun did at that moment. His eyes said it all. Sunggyu could almost hear the notes striking throughout Woohyun’s heart, the bells that were ringing. Oh my god, Sunggyu thought as he swallowed harshly. Woohyun...he…

Moving, Woohyun’s lips were moving too quickly but also too small for Sunggyu to read them. But Sunggyu knew what it amounted to. Woohyun was late for rehearsal. He quickly rolled off of the elder’s and signed to Sunggyu that he was leaving and “thanks for the nap,” all with a great big grin on his face, as if he’d just won first place on My Star. “I’ll call you later, hyung,” he mouthed well for the other to read.

As for Sunggyu, he couldn’t even walk to the door in time before Woohyun left. His legs were still numb, and he was just plain stunned.

Woohyun likes me?

While their stories were finally meeting, and feelings were aligning, Sunggyu feared that they were in disharmony. Sunggyu accepted that he was in love, but for Woohyun, this could be nothing more than a fleeting fancy, puppy love. Sunggyu was significantly older, deaf, and nagged the younger often. That didn’t sound like a lover. That sounded more like... His dad, Sunggyu concluded. I’m the father figure that he never had. That’s why he’s attaching to me like this. Sunggyu stood up, with a wobble as he tried to slap the feeling back into his legs. “It won’t last. Woohyun will come to his senses when he finds someone else. He’ll get over it.”

And it almost seemed like Woohyun had, or he was avoiding Sunggyu and this new feeling he had for the elder. Woohyun only read Sunggyu’s messages and never responded to them. What the Hell? Sunggyu frowned at his phone’s screen as he saw the ‘1’ disappear from his phone. Why isn’t he responding? He then sighed and rubbed his face, rolling onto his side in his bed. “It’s probably for the best. We need some time apart. He can concentrate on the show. And I can get over this,” he muttered to himself. Sunggyu had been in the habit of talking lately, and without Woohyun to talk to, he just talked to himself. Sometimes he argued with himself. But it always came back to this point: I need to get over this. Get back to how things used to be between us.

But it was hard for Sunggyu to do that when he watched Woohyun serenade him on national television. And when Woohyun called him after the stage, Sunggyu didn’t know what to say besides, “Ask for my permission first next time. Tell me before you use my story for your show again. It caught me off-guard.” And then he reminded the younger that he was still filming the show. That’s right, the show. This one phrase kept repeating throughout Sunggyu’s mind. It’s all for show. It’s all for show. He didn’t feel like he could trust this. This wasn’t a confession. It was Woohyun vying for votes. It was a smart move. Heechul probably came up with it. He’d probably seen Woohyun signing over a video call and came up with the idea. Yea, that’s it, Sunggyu concluded. Because if Woohyun truly liked him, he wouldn’t have hidden this from Sunggyu; he wouldn’t have ignored Sunggyu the last few days. He should know that I’d rather talk than have this.

Just because it was a love song, doesn’t mean that it was love. It was all for show.

Those were the doubts that he went to bed with that night, but in the morning, when his head was more clear, Sunggyu began to think differently. And he regretted not being more enthusiastic about Woohyun’s performance. It was obvious that he had the best stage that week, and it was a stage dedicated to Sunggyu. He should be more grateful for it. So Sunggyu invited the younger to breakfast the next morning to clear the air and to finally talk. And talk they did.

“I guess that I’m not really over some things that I thought I was,” Sunggyu confessed when they finally met up. “The industry can be so fake.”

“I wasn’t using you, hyung. That’s the last thing I’d do. You have to know that. That song was for you and for no one else. Just you,” Woohyun meant every word he said.

…

“You know this relationship that we have. Like father and son,” Sunggyu tested the younger.

“Hyung, if you were my dad, I’d get myself emancipated,” Woohyun retorted.

…

“Hyung, I don’t get you.”

“I don’t either.”

…

“So...around how many people have you dated? Are you dating someone now?”

“Ah,” Sunggyu muttered as he leaned back. He crossed his arms across his chest, smirking as he studied Woohyun. “Define what you mean by ‘date.’”

“Hyung, this isn’t funny. Just answer the question,” Woohyun probably sounded as frustrated as he looked.

Sunggyu stiffened at that reaction. He didn’t mean to make the younger upset. I hit a nerve. He uncrossed his arms and signed, “Let me worry about my love life, and you worry about your own.”

And for as much as they talked over that meal, the air hadn’t cleared at all. It grew thicker, cloudier. Sunggyu couldn’t read Woohyun as well as he used to through all of that obscurity. And the air was slowly suffocating the both of them, leaving behind silence alone. Sunggyu’s sweet melody slowed, almost came to a halt, as time passed. After Chuseok, Sunggyu could barely ‘hear’ it anymore. I just need a bit more time, and it will go away completely. So he told Woohyun to concentrate on the show. The time apart would do them good.

But Woohyun didn’t stay apart. The boy was at his door one night, and with his sudden arrival, the short melody began playing again on his heart’s strings. The feelings returned. Why? Why is he here?

Woohyun was there to confess, again (because apparently the ‘confession’ stage was actually a confession). “I love you, hyung. And I maybe just 20 years old, but I know what love feels like. Before, you said that I needed to try to get what I want. I want you, hyung. And I’m trying,” and after saying that (and with Sunggyu’s rebuttal spurring him), Woohyun kissed him, lightly, but it was enough for something to stir inside of Sunggyu, something much greater than a simple melody. This was a full fledged song beating in his heart. This was love. And when Sunggyu got up and kissed him back, it grew into an entire symphony, when their songs finally joined together in perfect harmony. This was it.

For a long time afterwards, Sunggyu would reprimand himself for not accepting Woohyun’s confession the first time it happened. But he soon forgave himself (although he wasn’t quite sure if Woohyun ever had). Sunggyu was only trying to protect his already battered heart. He’d been wary, ever since the ‘incident,’ and that caution only grew with every failure of a relationship that he’d ever been in. But mostly, Sunggyu knew that once he had Woohyun, he wouldn’t want to let the younger go. With Woohyun, Sunggyu felt more alive. He felt like he could practically hear again. He had a song in his heart again, and he didn’t want to lose it.

And so he held onto Woohyun, even when things got rough and he went through his slump after losing My Star. But the song never faded into silence again, and they were still in harmony, sometimes switching parts. Like who had to be the strong pillar for the other to lean against. Or who had to be the sensible one when the other was being silly. Or who had to do the dishes that piled up in the sink when none of them had been watching. It was the best ‘song’ that Sunggyu had ever performed, the best relationship he ever had, the best life.

And things only got even better when Woohyun actually helped him regain his hearing (basically making Sunggyu to finally want to go through the procedure). When Woohyun spoke his name for the first time, that was the best thing Sunggyu had heard in his entire life.

And there was still much of his life to live after that.

---

 

Old Sunggyu opened his eyes again, slowly lifting his gaze up to his reflection. A lot of time passed since then, over thirty years. He sighed. Where did it all go? Time had just slipped through his fingers, like he was fruitlessly trying to hold water. And with time came change, hand in hand. A lot of change, and most of it showed on Sunggyu’s face. The lines from smiling so much, the deep wrinkles across his forehead from worrying too much, the sun spots on his skin from long days spent outside, and the slight sagging on the side of his face near the implant. Kim Sunggyu’s life was etched into his face, whether he liked it or not. And today, he did not. So he looked away from it and scanned the rest of the bedroom. No one, no one else was in there besides Sunggyu still. I don’t know what I was expecting, he thought as he walked over to the bed and sat down. He pulled a watch off from his nightstand and put it on. Woohyun had given it to him a long time ago. Sunggyu had newer and better watches, ones without scratches on the face and dents, but he always came back to this one. It was comfortable, and for today, it suited his needs. He didn’t want to wear any other one.

When he was done, Sunggyu put his hands in his lap and looked around the room once more. Shortly after Woohyun’s proposal, and after getting tired of spending nights at each other’s places, they moved into a new apartment that they both could call ‘home.’ This wasn’t that apartment. Sunggyu had moved out of there around twenty years ago. However, this bed,or  at least its frame, was the same as it was then. And just like Sunggyu, its age was showing as well. When he got up from it, the bed creaked loudly. Maybe it’s finally time for a new one, he thought but in the back of his mind, he knew that he wouldn’t. Just like the watch, Sunggyu had grown attached to that bed. His hand brushed against a gouge in one of the bed’s posts as he made his way over to the dresser. He laughed at the recollection of how it got there and how someone tried to cover it up with paint. The laughter waned when he also remembered how he acted when he found it, how angry he was, how much he yelled. If I could just take that back...

“It’s too quiet,” Sunggyu murmured as he the stereo that laid on top of the dresser. He wanted to drown out his thoughts before he got too emotional. He didn’t have time for emotions right now. He needed to get ready and leave.

They say that even if you met without knowing it was love,

You still feel it after you went your separate ways.

And after some time had passed, and I’d start missing you,

This thing called ‘hurting’ would come too.

In one unforeseeable day,

Longing would start to approach.

And when I tried to go back,

The sad story was already becoming distant

And had already been made.

Thank you, for remaining in my thoughts for so long.

In the times when I was tired and weary,

I thought of you and was always able to get back up again.

Because of you.

“Wha?” Sunggyu gargled, foam spilling out of his mouth. He had been brushing his teeth when the song came on. He snorted and gripped the edge of the counter, while shaking his head. And I thought music would calm me down. He spat out into the sink and sighed before resuming. Everytime he heard this song, several emotions would overtake him at once, dragging him down in a strange mix of melancholy and warm heartedness. It was a difficult feeling to just put one word to, but the song always made his chest and throat constrict and often his eyes would well up. Why? Sunggyu would always ask himself, but he already knew the answer. This was the first and only song that he’d ever recorded with Woohyun.

It was a while after they had a ceremony, which was not quite a wedding but as close as they could get at the time. Woohyun approached him and asked if he wanted to record a duet with him for his new album. Woohyun had really taken ‘following’ Yoon Sang to heart and had decided to record a duet album of his own. Earlier that week, he’d just finished a duet with Dongwoo and another with Lucia (a musician that Sunggyu didn’t know of, but there were tons of singers that Sunggyu didn’t know, years and year of them. It was a whole new world of music now filled with bulletproof boy scouts and cosmic girls, which sometimes made Sunggyu want to retreat back into his safe haven of old rock songs from his youth). Woohyun had even asked Heechul to sing with him, and they were scheduled to record in the following week. And while Woohyun was organizing these duets, Sunggyu secretly had imagined Woohyun asking him, but he didn’t think it would actually happen. Then it did, and Sunggyu initially refused. Who was Kim Sunggyu anyway? He was no one to the general public, to Woohyun’s fans.

“That’s not true, hyung,” Woohyun argued. “They know about you.” Sunggyu froze and slowly glanced over at the other. Woohyun had a very close relationship with his fans, even to the point of him saying his fans were like the water that a fish (him) needed to have in order to live. Just how close is he? “I mean, they know about you. They don’t know about us...yet,” the younger soon amended after seeing his partner’s scared reaction. “My fans know you as my good friend.”

“Your deaf friend?” Sunggyu added.

Woohyun shook his head sharply and started to grin widely. “Not deaf anymore, not since I bought my good friend the cochlear implant,” he retorted and his fingertips grazed over device on the side of Sunggyu’s head.

Sunggyu slapped the hand away. “I bought this,” he reminded the other, pointing at the implant.

Woohyun put a finger to his lips. “They don’t need to know that, hyung,” he said with a nudge. “It was half and half. I paid some of the fees. I took care of you. I convinced you to get it in the first place. Eh, I basically got the implant for you,” he reasoned.

“Nam Woohyun, you better not be lying to your fans,” Sunggyu told him sternly.

“I already am,” Woohyun snapped back, a tight smile stretched across his face.

“Ah, right,” Sunggyu muttered and his gaze fell down to his lap. As far as the fans knew, Woohyun was single. And so far, Woohyun had been able to skirt around the issue because he was always asked if he had a girlfriend or if he was dating, both of which he could honestly say ‘no’ to because he was already committed to Sunggyu. But when asked if he was in love, Woohyun would be forced to stretch the truth and say that he was in love with his fans. Fortunately, Woohyun wasn’t an idol, and so he had some leniency with his fans. But that didn’t mean that his fans would accept Sunggyu for what he truly was.

“Through this, the fans could get to know you, hyung,” Woohyun pointed out. “It’s not like I’m going to be promoting with you. I just want to introduce you to them and…” he paused and laid his hand on Sunggyu’s knee, silently asking for the elder to look up at him. And Sunggyu did. “I just want to sing with you.”

Sunggyu snorted. “We sing together all the time.” Which was true. They would be doing the dishes, and they would sing. Or Woohyun would barge through the front door, announcing his arrival with a song, and Sunggyu would chime in, whether he knew the song or not. And one time, Sunggyu was on the toilet and Woohyun was brushing his teeth, and they sang. But Sunggyu also knew that wasn’t what Woohyun meant.

“But your debut…” Woohyun spoke too softly for Sunggyu to actually pick it up, but he read the younger’s lips. That was it. Woohyun wanted to give Sunggyu the debut that he was robbed of years ago.

Sunggyu thought it over for the rest of the night, and before the two went to bed, he gave Woohyun his answer: “Okay, I’ll do it. But I want to pick out the song.”

The song Sunggyu had chosen was by Boohwal called “Love.” It was a song he’d grown up listening to and was comfortable with, comfortable enough to go through the nerve-wrecking process of recording successfully. And it was also a song that Sunggyu knew Woohyun would approve of.

In the times when I was tired and weary,

I thought of you and was always able to get back up again.

Because of you.

Wasn’t this true for the both of them? It was a song that they could both sing with sincerity. And Woohyun did like it. For him, it was the perfect song to introduce Sunggyu with.

Perhaps it was a bit too perfect. Although it was a b-side track, the duet had caused quite a stir. Woohyun’s “good friend” had finally come out from the woodworks and was revealed to be a man, a man with whom Woohyun had often been seen, a man with whom Woohyun had often eaten, watched movies, and gone on trips, a man with whom Woohyun lived in the same apartment, a man who wore the same ring as Woohyun. As these pieces of evidence trickled in and formed a picture of what the reality was, Woohyun confessed. All of the reports were true. Nam Woohyun was with Kim Sunggyu. Heck, they were practically married. “And I am deeply sorry for hiding this from my fans, but...before I had all of you, I had Sunggyu-hyung. He was my first fan. So I hope that you can regard your fellow fan well and accept him. And I hope that you can accept me as well, although I am lacking in much. I will keep improving myself and be more honest with you, until I am more deserving of your love. Thank you.” Those were his words he spoke during a press conference. Woohyun could’ve just penned a handwritten letter in apology, like other artists, or have his company put out a statement, but this was what he wanted to do.

“Apologies are more meaningful when you say them in person,” Woohyun argued when Sunggyu tried to talk him out of the press conference. “And apologies are most meaningful when you bow and beg for forgiveness.” Which Woohyun also did at the conference.

And Sunggyu, who was watching the conference go on from the side, hidden behind a curtain, was wondering if he was truly worth all of this. Woohyun thought he was, and so he went through with it.

(It was a major worry of Sunggyu’s for a while, if he was truly worth all of this. He was Woohyun’s first love, after all, and not necessarily Woohyun’s last. Sunggyu wondered if this whole ordeal would make Woohyun regret it and leave him, for someone younger or someone who could further his career. And he eventually confessed these worries to the other, the day before the conference, to which Woohyun responded, “Hyung, I’ve suffered enough heartbreak in my life. I’m just glad that you aren’t one of them. Just stay by my side, like you’ve always had, please?” And Sunggyu did. He remained at Woohyun’s side and held the younger’s hand until the conference began.)

The fallout, honestly, wasn’t as devastating as Sunggyu feared it would be. Times were changing and norms along with it. Woohyun had lost some fans, but he gained more because of his honesty and also because of his dedication to his work and to Sunggyu. Details of their love life were slowly made public (partly due to Heechul’s and Dongwoo’s loose lips). And it was the type of a love story that the public liked, one of support and dedication with just a dash of angst. A young Woohyun had learned sign language in order to communicate with a deaf customer, and Kim Sunggyu stayed by orphan Woohyun’s side, watching his lover transform from rags to (moderate) riches. The meeting in the chatroom, however, was still just between them. Their love story also had actually inspired a drama which aired a few years after their relationship went public. Woohyun didn’t like it very much. The writers had turned him into a girl in order to appeal to the general public. And Sunggyu loved every minute of it.

Before the drama but after the dust had fallen on this scandal, Sunggyu had performed this duet with Woohyun just once, at a concert in a small but intimate venue. Woohyun insisted that his fans wanted it, but Sunggyu didn’t know who wanted it more, the fans, Woohyun...or himself. Once again, Sunggyu was able to live out a bit of his old dream, thanks to Woohyun.

I was able to know what ‘love’ is because of you.

Thank you.

For remaining in my thoughts for so long

Thank you.

The song ended. Sunggyu opened his eyes, pulling himself out once more from another reverie, only to see his hand still clutching his toothbrush covered in foam. He quickly rinsed it off and rinsed out his mouth. It was taking him a long time to get ready today, and he didn’t really have much time to waste. Sunggyu went into his closet. “Where is it?” he grumbled as he searched through the hanging clothes. But he eventually found what he was looking for, his tuxedo which was still covered in plastic from the dry cleaners. He walked out of the closet, holding the suit gingerly, trying not to wrinkle it, but soon his fingernails sunk into the plastic and he clenched the sleeve of the coat. “Oh come on!” he yelled at the stereo when he realized what song was now playing.

It was a guide for a song Woohyun had written years ago. Further down in his career, Woohyun went from onstage to behind it, writing and producing songs for other artists. He still had a solo career, but his priorities were shifting, as were Sunggyu’s. After living together for a few years, they both realized that their house could benefit with the addition of one other soul. They adopted a little girl named Eunsoo from Woohyun’s old home. And soon after that, they moved into this house, with two stories, in a nice neighborhood. Parenting was hard at first, and it didn’t necessarily get easier as time went on. But he and Woohyun enjoyed it. They loved it. They loved Eunsoo to bits and pieces.

Which was why today wasn’t going to be easy for either of them. And this song only made it worse. After the second verse, Woohyun had Eunsoo sing the chorus with him. She had been bored in the studio with her father and had memorized the lyrics as she heard the song over and over and over again. So Woohyun brought her in and they sang it together. Eunsoo couldn’t have been more than ten at the time.

“Oh god, why are you playing this?”

Sunggyu looked over and saw Woohyun standing in the entrance of their bedroom. The 55 year old man was breathing heavily and his eyes were slightly pink. Sunggyu chuckled as Woohyun marched over to their dresser and turned off the stereo. “It just came on,” he responded to the younger. “But, Woohyun, have you been crying?”

“You would too if you saw her,” Woohyun grumbled. He turned around to face the other. “She’s beautiful. Our Eunsoo is beautiful.” He then walked over and wrapped his arms around Sunggyu, resting his head on his shoulder. “When did she get so grown up? Where did all the time go?”

Sunggyu hugged the other back, tightly. I’ve been asking myself that all morning. “I don’t know,” he murmured back. But then Sunggyu decided to spare both of them from further tears and changed the subject, “You got your haircut. It looks nice.” And it really did. Woohyun was still at that age when he could get a haircut and it would make him look years younger. Sunggyu, on the other hand, intentionally grew out his hair for this day. If it was any shorter, its thinness would show.

Woohyun pulled away. “Yea I decided to get it cut after I brought Eunsoo to the salon,” he replied. “She’s still there, you know. I didn’t know that it took so long to get hair and makeup done.”

“The bride has to look perfect for her big day,” Sunggyu said, ending with a heavy sigh. Married, Eunsoo is getting married today. And he still had a hard time wrapping his mind around that.

“Yea, but what are you doing, hyung?” Woohyun asked.

“Huh?”

“What are you doing with this thing in?” Woohyun asked as he gestured towards the hearing aid. “You need to hurry up and shower. We’re running behind.”

Sunggyu frowned and tugged the device out of his ear. “I was just making sure,” he mumbled below his breath as he handed Woohyun his tuxedo and then the hearing aid and watch. He then lifted his gaze up to the younger, who was smiling broadly now.

“I know,” Woohyun’s lips moved. “It works. Now go shower.”

“I’m going,” Sunggyu snapped and walked into the bathroom. Woohyun followed. It wasn’t common for Woohyun to do this, but he would whenever he didn’t want to be alone or if something was bothering him that he could barely wait to talk with Sunggyu about. Now, Sunggyu guessed that the younger was leaning by the sinks as he showered for both reasons.

And sure enough, when Sunggyu got out and was toweling himself dry, Woohyun was already signing to him, “Dry your hair and get dressed. We can still meet Eunsoo at the salon before we go off to the venue.” Sunggyu nodded and then rubbed his hair dry with the towel. When he pulled the towel away from his face, he saw that Woohyun was still in front of him. “Hurry up. We don’t have much time with her left,” the younger insisted. A deep frown was set on his face.

“Hyun, she’s getting married. She isn’t dying,” Sunggyu teased. But at the same time, he was quickly reconnecting his hearing aid, putting his watch back on, and dressing in the clothes that he’d worn to bed. “Good enough,” Sunggyu announced, eyes darting for a second on his reflection in the mirror for a split second before coming to that conclusion. Woohyun looked the other up and down and scoffed. “My hair will dry on the way. And I’ll get dressed there,” Sunggyu told him and then walked out of the bathroom, yelling back at the other, “Let’s go!”

“Alright. Let’s go!”

---

“Dad!” Eunsoo exclaimed as soon as she caught sight of Sunggyu in the reflection of her mirror. She then spun around and her expression went from one of joy to one of terror. “What are you wearing?”

“Don’t worry. My real clothes are in the car,” he assured his daughter as he walked up to her chair. He didn’t care that he was wearing some sweatpants that he took from the top of the hamper or the undershirt that he wore last night. It didn’t matter how he looked. Today, all that mattered was Eunsoo. And once he was at her side, he pressed a kiss on the top of her head. “You look stunning,” he told her as he pulled away.

Eunsoo let out a short giggle, scrunching her nose. “I’m still not done. Only my hair is done, makeup is next, but I’m taking a break for coffee,” she revealed, showing her father the cup in her hands. Sunggyu only stared at her in silence. That small laugh with her nose scrunching, she had done for as long as Sunggyu could remember, since they had welcomed her into their home. All of the sudden, the woman in the chair transformed into a four year old girl, drinking hot chocolate out of her mug instead of coffee and swinging her legs as she sat in a chair that was too large for her. Eunsoo brought down the mug from her lips and cocked her eyebrow. She then placed her mug on the ledge behind her and signed to her father, “I still need to have my makeup done. Why don’t you get your hair done like Daddy did?”

Sunggyu chuckled and snapped out of his reverie. Before his eyes, Eunsoo transformed back into the 29 year-old bride that she was. She must’ve thought that his device had disconnected and he couldn’t hear her, so she signed. “What hair?” he joked with his daughter.  “I don’t have much left.”

Eunsoo laughed again. “Well, they can dry and style what little hair you have left, Dad,” she teased.

Sunggyu’s hand flew to his head and he raked his fingers through his hair. It was still wet. He frowned as his eyes flew up to his reflection in the mirror. No wonder why Eunsoo reacted the way she did when he came in. He was a wreck, inside and out. “It’s okay,” he responded with a wave of his hand. “It doesn’t matter how I look. They’ll be looking at you the entire time.” Besides I’d rather spend more time with you.

“It matters to me,” Eunsoo insisted with a pout. “I’ll be looking at you.”

“Alright,” Sunggyu gave in, and just as he did so, he was ushered into the chair next to his daughter.

“Make him look like he has a lot of hair,” Eunsoo told the hairstylist. “You’re going to look handsome, Dad.” And then she returned to her own chair to get her makeup done.

“Uh, um,” he struggled to talk with his daughter again, but then the stylist the hair dryer, drowning him out. Sunggyu sighed. All he could do was watch Eunsoo get her makeup done out of the corner of his eyes. Suddenly, what Woohyun said earlier flashed across his mind: We don’t have much time with her left. Eunsoo wasn’t dying, that was true, but she wasn’t going to be just their daughter anymore. She was going to be his daughter and that guy’s wife. That guy was going to be the most important man in her life. If he’s not already, Sunggyu reminded himself and he shot a glare over at Eunsoo. How dare she.

“Whoa, hyung!” Woohyun’s voice exclaimed from behind him. Sunggyu squirmed around in his chair, searching for the younger. Woohyun was soon found by his side, with a hand on Sunggyu’s shoulder. “You’re getting your hair done? It’s fluffy,” he said as he tugged at one of the fresh curls that he stylist had just done. The stylist then reprimanded him for touching the unfinished hair, and Woohyun immediately retracted his hand, raising both of them into the air. “Sorry.”

“Fluffy?” Sunggyu repeated as he looked at his own reflection. He burst into a short laugh at the sight. His grey hair was parted down the middle and the stylist was now in the process of curling it. Well, it looked like he had more hair now. But he also looked too old for this youthful hairstyle.

“You look younger,” Woohyun told him, as if he could read his hyung’s thoughts (and he practically could after 30 years).

Sunggyu changed the subject, growing more and more uncomfortable with his hair the fluffier the stylist made it, “Where have you been?”

“Talking with the family,” Woohyun replied. He then nodded over to the other side of the room, and sure enough, almost every woman from their family was there, also getting ready for the wedding along with the bride: Woohyun’s aunt, Eunsoo’s aunts, her cousins, and her best friend (who was Sungyeol’s youngest daughter).

“Is everyone in here?” Sunggyu blubbered as his eyes widened in surprise.

“Pretty much,” Woohyun answered with a strong pat on the elder’s shoulders. “And we’re the only guys here.”

Sunggyu eyes darted all over the salon, glossing over his family members. And sure enough, Woohyun was right. Sunggyu looked up at the other. “Is that weird?” he asked lowly.

“Well, I’m a celebrity. I have a reputation to uphold,” Woohyun reasoned. The elder nodded along until Woohyun added, “You’re just being vain.” Sunggyu pulled away from the hairdresser and turned around in his seat to glare at the younger, who was grinning broadly and silently chuckling. “I’m kidding. I’m kidding,” he tried to wiggle his way out of it. And Woohyun did by nodding over to their daughter and whispered, “It’s all for her, isn’t it?”

Sunggyu turned back around, with his head facing Eunsoo until the hairdresser made him face forward again. Before she did, Eunsoo glanced over and gave her face a thumb’s up, mouthing ‘handsome.’ Sunggyu lowered his head a bit, which the hairdresser raised back up again, forcing the man to look at his aged reflection again. “Eung,” he grunted.

“I’m going to talk to her some more. She said she was nervous earlier. Didn’t get any sleep last night,” Woohyun revealed.

Sunggyu stiffened. “Really? Why?” he asked, but Woohyun had already scurried over to their daughter’s side. He was crouching down at her chair and holding her hand as they spoke lowly to each other, too low for Sunggyu to hear. Are they doing it on purpose? Are they cutting me out? Ah, no, I’m just being sensitive. Eunsoo was probably talking about her worries and didn’t want the whole salon to hear them She’ll tell me...when I’m done. Sunggyu huffed as he stared up at his reflection again. His hair had grown even more in volume, curlier, and Sunggyu felt sillier. It’s all for her, he reminded himself. He then asked the hairdresser,  “Are we almost done?”

“We’d be done earlier, if you stayed still, sir,” she chided him as politely as she could.

“Okay, I’ll stay still,” Sunggyu promised as he settled into the chair, hands gripping at the armrests tightly. Hurry up. I don’t have much time left.

And several minutes later, his hair was done, and Sunggyu went to his daughter’s side, crouching down next to Woohyun. And Eunsoo let her other father in on their conversation. Truth be told, she was more excited than nervous. She was ready to start this new chapter in her life, but was having a hard time bidding a farewell to her last chapter. “I’m going to miss living at home with you,” she admitted in a small voice. “It’s going to be weird.”

“You don’t have to move out,” Sunggyu told her.

Eunsoo giggled. “What? You want Yohannie to move in instead?”

“No,” Sunggyu denied. “You don’t have to marry him. Just live with us forever.” He spoke with a cheeky smile, but he meant every word that he said.

His daughter frowned deeply. “I’m marrying him,” she replied sternly. “I can’t talk anymore now. I have to get my makeup done.”

“Okay, we’ll have to pay anyways. And hyung, you still need to greet everybody,” Woohyun reminded him.

“Oh right,” the elder mumbled below his breath as he slowly stood up straight again. His knees were creaking and now in pain, but he still gave his daughter a warm smile. “We’ll see you later.”

“Probably at the venue,” Eunsoo responded. “You two still need to get dressed.” Her voice was a bit cold and her eyes dark. Sunggyu could only nod and squeeze her hand before they left to pay.

“Why is she in such a sour mood all of the sudden?” Sunggyu hissed to the other after they were a few steps away.

Woohyun grinned sheepishly. “Probably because I told her something similar earlier,” he admitted. “Don’t get married, Eunsoo. Don’t leave your dads alone. They will kill each other without you. Your wedding will be followed by two funerals,” he recounted his conversation with her.

Sunggyu chuckled. “Well, at least we tried,” he said and then let out a heavy sigh. He rubbed his face roughly. “This is harder than I thought it would be.”

“To convince Eunsoo? I know!” Woohyun spoke as he handed over his card to the woman at the register. “What happened to the innocent and gullible Eunsoo that believed everything we said?”

“I think she started to get suspicious of us when you said Mangmangie talked to us when she wasn’t around,” Sunggyu recalled with a laugh.

“It was so cute when she tried to catch it in the act,” Woohyun added. And then they both laughed at the memory of their young daughter sneaking around the house and trying to catch their cat off guard. But all she ever got from Mangmangie was scratches after she startled it. So Sunggyu thought he’d ‘help’ her out once, and when he saw Eunsoo crawling on the floor behind the cat, he disguised his voice, pretending to be the cat talking to Woohyun. And the two of them talked like that for five minutes until he felt a tug on his pant leg. It was Eunsoo. She told him that she could see his lips moving. And ever since then, Eunsoo has been incredibly suspicious of anything they said and would look at them out of the corner of her eye, with her small, round face scrunched up. It was cute. So cute.

“It was cute, but…” Sunggyu paused for a second as his eyes darted back over to their daughter. Her lips were getting painted at the moment, bright red. Where did my little girl go? “I meant that it’s harder to let her go than I thought.” He felt a hand wrap around his own. Sunggyu faced Woohyun, who was stuffing his wallet back into his pocket and puckering his lips as he nodded in agreement to what the elder had said. Sunggyu could see his eyes welling up again. So he tried to lighten the gloomy air with a joke, “Maybe you shouldn’t have paid. Then she’d be forced to stay here, and she’d miss the wedding.”

It worked. Woohyun snorted and threw back his head, looking at the elder out of the corner of his eye. “I thought of that too,” he confessed. He then puffed out his cheeks and then deflated them. “And so did your sister. She said she’d pay for it if we didn’t.”

“My sister knows us too well,” Sunggyu responded. But it wasn’t much of a secret how much they loved and wanted to protect her. And it definitely wasn’t a secret of how poorly Woohyun and Sunggyu dealt with big changes like this. They both clung onto the past a little too tightly. Sunggyu pulled his eyes away from Woohyun and they fell back onto Eunsoo. “So we can’t stop her,” he muttered lowly, while he squeezed the other’s hand tightly.

Woohyun sighed once more and his throat sounded tight as he replied, “We never could.”

---

Sunggyu did make rounds and talk to all of his family members at the salon, thanking them for coming. After talking with them for awhile, Woohyun’s aunt basically shoved them out of the salon’s doors because they still needed to get dressed. Sunggyu didn’t see what the big deal was. He could put on his tuxedo in less than five minutes. He just wanted to spend more time with them, with his daughter. But apparently, they were encroaching in on the ‘women’s only’ part of the preparation for the wedding. And it was time for them to leave. They would see them all later at the venue.

At the venue, Woohyun and Sunggyu got dressed in silence, which was fine because they had to save their words for all of the small talk that was going to happen later on, like with Yohan’s parents, Eunsoo’s future in-laws and now a part of their own family too. Sunggyu liked them enough, but he always struggled to make conversation with them. It was awkward and all that they had in common were their children, for now. He was sure that they’d get along better in the future, but today would be another struggle to talk about something else other than their children and the weather. Maybe I can act like my hearing aid doesn’t work. I don’t have to talk to anybody then.

“You’re oddly quiet,” Woohyun remarked as he tugged at the end of his sleeve, trying to button it. He hazarded a glance up at the other. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Sunggyu lied as he smoothed out his own jacket. “Just saving my voice for later.” At that, Woohyun snorted. “What?”

“Nothing,” Woohyun replied, biting his lip to keep the rest of his laughter from falling out. “I just haven’t heard you say that since I was 20. Ever since then, you’ve never had a problem with speaking too much. I mean, I’ve had a problem with you speaking too much sometimes, but…” he refrained from teasing and now appeared concerned. “Are you sure that you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Sunggyu repeated with a bit more bite to his voice. “I just don’t feel like talking.”

“Okay,” Woohyun finally gave in. He walked up to the other and rested his hand between Sunggyu’s shoulder blades. “Let’s go say ‘hi’ to the bride and groom. Apparently, they’re already ready to accept guests, like we should be doing now,” Woohyun announced with a slight laugh, a bit embarrassed that they both of them were shirking their duties as hosts.

“Right,” Sunggyu grumbled. “Did Eunsoo tell you that?” Woohyun nodded with a smug smile on. Sunggyu pouted. “Why did she tell you and not me?”

“Because I’m her favorite dad,” Woohyun boasted and dropped his hand from the other as he began to walk out of the room.

“You aren’t!” Sunggyu yelled at the other who was already out of the room. So Sunggyu chased him down. “Ya-yah! When did she say that?”

---

“Eunsoo-yah, who looks more handsome? Me or this old guy?”

Eunsoo looked at both of her fathers posing ‘coolly’ in front of her with a slightly annoyed expression. “Why do you two always ask me this?” she responded, refusing to play along. After years of living with them, Eunsoo grew wise enough and knew that she didn’t have to answer all of their questions.

“I think that you both look handsome,” Yohan said as he jumped up from his seat, coming over to greet them. “It’s good to see you two again,” he told them as he shook their hands.

I wish I could say the same, Sunggyu kept that biting remark behind his lips. Honestly, he did like Yohan. This wedding wouldn’t be happening if he didn’t. And if Sunggyu could be a bit more honest with himself at the moment, he couldn’t see Eunsoo ending up with anyone else.

Eunsoo had met her soon-to-be husband while she was working. Growing up with a deaf father and another father who was a ballad singer, Eunsoo had always been fascinated by voices. Sadly, unlike her fathers, she was incredibly tone deaf (but still shared their passion for singing nonetheless, resulting in some ‘interesting’ renditions of Woohyun’s ballads), so she pursued her love of voices another way. She became a speech pathologist, helping other people to find their voice, and she was also a sign language translator sometimes, helping people to spread their ‘voice’ to the masses. Yohan was a man from the countryside who wanted to lose his accent so that he could be a better applicant for jobs at large companies in the big city. Eunsoo helped him to lose it, mostly. Yohan would often slip back into his old accent when he was excited or tired. And Yohan helped to mend her heart that had been broken by her college boyfriend (whom Sunggyu and Woohyun never liked, or was allowed to meet with because Eunsoo knew it wouldn’t go over well). They happily dated for a few years before deciding to get married.

And something about Yohan reminded Sunggyu of younger Woohyun. It was something about the look in his eyes, which was a bit lost but also honest. Yohan was sincere, very much so. Even now, he meant every word he said. Yohan was happy to see his future father-in-laws (which was weird, not many would feel the same, but Yohan was a weird and really friendly kid).

“It’s good to see you too,” Sunggyu sort of returned the sentiment, speaking through a forced smile and gritted teeth. Then Sunggyu tugged on Yohan’s hand, pulling him into a hug. Surprised, the groom didn’t know how to react, but he settled for being terrified once Sunggyu whispered this threat into his ear, “You break her heart, I will kill you.”

“O-okay,” Yohan blubbered as he pulled away from Sunggyu, only to be wrapped in Woohyun’s arms next.

“And they’ll never find your body,” Woohyun hissed lowly, and then let go of the groom, laughing loudly and exclaiming jovially, “What a happy day it is!”

Yohan’s face was grey as he nervously laughed along with his father-in-law. “Why-why do you two say that every time we meet?” he stammered through the forced laughter and slipping back into his old accent.

Eunsoo got up from her seat and walked up to the trio, looking at them curiously. “What did you say to him?” she asked, her expression darker than it had been in the salon earlier, which sent shivers down Sunggyu’s spine. They’d been caught.

“Oh, it’s nothing, noona,” Yohan replied, slowly regaining his composure. “They were just wishing us luck.”

“That’s right!” Woohyun exclaimed as he patted the groom on the back sharply but with a broad smile. “Congratulations and good luck, you crazy kids.” And Yohan endured every pat with a smile, which made Sunggyu finally break into a genuine smile in return. Yohan was going to fit in their little family just fine.

---

The rest of the day flew by incredibly quickly. After greeting all of the guests, the ceremony began and it was time for them to walk their daughter down the aisle. And at the end of the longest walk of Sunggyu’s life, he almost ‘forgot’ to let Eunsoo go and give her away to Yohan. With a small chuckle, he let go of her arm, acting as if it was a complete accident. But Eunsoo didn’t get very far. Woohyun had ‘accidentally’ stepped on her train, which made her stumble back to her fathers’ sides. But the three of them laughed it off, and the whole congregation joined in; then Woohyun and Sunggyu took their seats in the front row and watched the rest of the ceremony unfolded while their fingers were hooked together in a loose hold. And before either of them knew it, Eunsoo became a married woman and she was walking briskly down the aisle, holding onto Yohan just as tightly as her fathers had held onto her at the beginning. Sunggyu felt a tug from somewhere deep inside his chest as he watched them go by and out the door. Things were quickly changing already.

The reception felt like it lasted for no more than a few minutes. They had drinks. Woohyun and Sunggyu sang a reprise of their old duet, and after that, they went back to their tables and ate as quickly as they could, before they had to wish their beloved daughter and her new husband goodbye, giving her a kiss before she hopped into a car and rode away, gone. And it was all over. Everything was over.

Sunggyu bid his family goodbye and then left the reception hall, but he didn’t leave the venue. Outside of the wedding hall was an elaborate garden for outdoor weddings, and Sunggyu spent his time walking leisurely down its many paths. Woohyun was still talking to the few colleagues that he invited when Sunggyu slipped out. He didn’t tell the younger where he was going or that he was leaving the hall in the first place. Sunggyu didn’t want to be found. He just wanted to be alone, finally alone with his thoughts so that he could fully register what had happened, letting this bittersweet feeling soak him through and through.

Sunggyu was alone, but he wasn’t quiet. He wasn’t going to save his voice anymore. There was asong in his heart that needed to be sung:

Even now I can feel you

Like this, singing a song even in this moment

I see you

Even tomorrow I will see you

Even tomorrow I will hear you

Even tomorrow everything will be the same as today

Even within some stranger’s figure passing on the street

Even above the leaves riding the wind with a lonely dance

Even within the air brushing past my cheeks on some evening

In everything I see, hear and feel

You are here

While he was walking, Sunggyu came across a bench. Thoroughly tired in spirit and body, he sat down. “How are you, my little Eunsoo?” he changed the lyrics slightly, closing his eyes, squeezing out the tears he’d been holding back all day. He tried to continue singing, in order to calm himself down, but instead a sob broke out and he lost all composure.

“I’ve been waiting for this.”

“Huh?” Sunggyu sniffed loudly and blinked a few times until his eyes were cleared and he could see Woohyun sitting down next to him on the bench, with his arm along the back behind Sunggyu. Sunggyu scoffed and wiped his eyes roughly. “What you’ve been waiting for me to cry?”

“Eung,” Woohyun simply grunted in response, to which Sunggyu nudged him with his elbow in response. “You’ve been on the verge of it all day,” Woohyun explained himself and he rubbed his side where Sunggyu had just hit him. “And I wanted to be there when you did.” And he didn’t state why, but he showed it, scooting in closer until they were shoulder to shoulder. He lifted his arm and wrapped it around Sunggyu, drawing in the old man closer up to his chest.

Sunggyu squirmed, trying to wiggle out of the other’s hold. “I wanted to be alone,” he remarked. It was already embarrassing that he was caught crying, and it only became worse to cry in the other’s arms (no matter how many times it had happened before). Why? Sunggyu felt like he had to be in the strong one in their relationship, in their family, even when he felt anything but.

“Shut up and just let me comfort you,” Woohyun retorted, pulling the elder back in, and Sunggyu gave in, letting himself fall apart again. Woohyun planted a kiss on the other’s head, before resting his cheek on Sunggyu’s head. And a few seconds later, Sunggyu felt his hair grow wet, seeping down to his scalp.

“Hyunnie, are you crying?” Sunggyu asked with a corner of his mouth picking up, but still crying. He then felt Woohyun’s head moving against his own in a nod.

“I was sick of crying alone,” the younger responded in a small voice, which Sunggyu could just barely pick up, while tapping his fingers along the other’s back, as if he was playing on the elder’s heart strings.

Sunggyu let out a short laugh and wrapped his arms around the other, squeezing him closer, closer. He needs this more than I do. He always does.

---

“I hate that song,” Woohyun grumbled as the wedding march blasted through the air once more. At the other side of the garden, another bride was walking down the aisle to her groom.

“Me too,” Sunggyu concurred, crossing his arms across his chest as he leaned back into the bench. The both of them had finished their ‘moment’ awhile ago, but neither of them felt like moving yet, because moving meant going home and it wasn’t going to feel like ‘home’ without their little girl, which probably meant more crying (on Woohyun’s part...maybe). Maybe we should pick up some more wine before going home. That might help.

“You know, we’ve never really gotten married,” Woohyun suddenly brought up. Sunggyu swung his head to look at the other. What is he getting at? “And we’re here. It would be easy to…”

“No,” Sunggyu quickly shot him down, laughing. “We’re not getting married on our daughter’s wedding day.”

“Come on,” Woohyun tried to prod the other, leaning against him. “It could be cute. We could have the same anniversary. Oh! We could celebrate it together every year,” he spoke as if it was the best idea ever.

But it wasn’t. Sunggyu rolled his eyes. “I’m sure that they would like that,” he remarked sarcastically.

“They would hate it,” the younger agreed, now laughing himself. He shook his head. “She’s definitely your daughter. She hates sharing.”

“We share just fine,” Sunggyu snapped back. “We just don’t like sharing the important things,” he clarified. “Besides I like our anniversary. It falls during a time of the year when there’s a lull. I actually look forward to it.”

“Really?” Woohyun asked incredulously, his eyebrows raised high on his forehead. “Because I can’t remember how many times you’ve forgotten it.”

“Can’t be more than five,” Sunggyu guessed. He then shrugged, acting like his past offenses were no big deal (and they weren’t. He already served out his punishment and made up for them). “Five out of thirty? That’s not so bad.”

“Oh my god,” Woohyun muttered below his breath, closing his eyes tightly. “It’s thirty this year.”

“And you said I forget,” Sunggyu teased.

Woohyun shook his head. “No, I remembered. I just didn’t realize it,” he replied. Then he turned to the other, waiting for Sunggyu to meet his gaze before continuing, “Hyung, I’ve been with you for most of my life.”

Sunggyu chuckled. There was a lot of things that Woohyun hadn’t fully realized. “It’s been like that for a while,” the elder pointed out. “Now I’ve known you for longer than I haven’t known you.”

“Really?!” Woohyun exclaimed. Then a proud smile spread across his face, as if he accomplished something impressive, and considering their , it probably was.

“Really,” Sunggyu repeated, replicating the other’s smile and feeling just as proud. Woohyun wasn’t Sunggyu’s first love, but he was determined in making Woohyun his last, and he was succeeding. Staying in love for so long was far more gratifying than falling in love all of those years ago.

“That’s a long time,” Woohyun said as he snuggled up against the other. “That’s a very long time. That’s an incredibly long time.”

“Stop,” Sunggyu commanded, covering the younger’s lips with his hands. “Can we be done talking about how old we are?” he begged as he removed his hand down from the other’s mouth. And as he did so, a sly smile was revealed on the younger’s face. “What?”

“We aren’t talking about how old we are,” Woohyun argued. “We’re talking about how long we’ve loved each other.”

Sunggyu frowned. “Loved?” he picked out.

“Still love?” Woohyun quickly amended. He clung onto the other’s arm. “I love you, hyung,” he said sweetly. “You know I didn’t mean it like that. You can stop pretending to be mad now,” he saw through the other’s fake grudge and was poking at the corner of the other’s mouth until Sunggyu finally gave in and smiled.

“You didn’t buy it?” Sunggyu asked.

“Hyung, I haven’t believed your fake sulking in years,” the younger admitted. “Why do you always want to fight? Why can’t we just love? Hm?” There was a slight whine in his voice as he tried to ask cute to the elder.

But aegyo didn’t quite suit a guy in his fifties (Woohyun though might be the other exception). “Because you say things like that,” Sunggyu retorted.

“I say it because you like it,” Woohyun argued. “Look at us right now.” And Sunggyu did as he was asked, looking down at them. They were leaning against each other, with the younger’s arms wrapped around his and Sunggyu’s leg was hooked around Woohyun’s. They were twisted up in each other, and in public but too old and depressed to really even care. They both needed this comfort. “If you were really mad, you wouldn’t let me do this,” Woohyun said as he lifted his head from the other and raised one of his arms up, his hand inching closer to Sunggyu’s face. The elder shut his eyes, knowing what was about to happen and was bracing himself, holding his breath. He let out that breath when Woohyun gingerly detached the hearing aid, plunging Sunggyu in a world of silence. Sunggyu opened his eyes, watching the younger with his tongue peeking out of his mouth as he held the device carefully. Then Woohyun’s gaze fell down to the other’s.

“I hate it when you do that,” Sunggyu spoke, feeling his voice leave his throat but didn’t hear it come out. He hated this feeling. He always had.

“But you still let me,” he read Woohyun’s lips, but the younger wasn’t looking back at him. He was too busy trying to reconnect the hearing aid. Once he had it in, Woohyun spoke lowly and happily, “There we go.” Their gazes then met again and Woohyun grinned.

Sunggyu, however, wasn’t. “I let you do it because I’m too tired to fight you,” he reasoned.

“You must’ve been tired since you were 35,” Woohyun teased.

“Eung,” Sunggyu grunted back without any qualms. “You wear me out.”

“Speaking of being tired,” Woohyun began but was interrupted by a yawn ripping through his throat. He peeled himself away from the other and stood up. “I think it’s time for us to go home.” He then offered his hand to the other. “Let’s go.”

Sunggyu kept his arms tightly across his chest. “No, I don’t want to,” he whined.

Woohyun laughed and snuck his hand around the other’s forearm, tugging at it. “Come on, hyung. Let’s go.”

Sunggyu let himself be pulled up reluctantly, but he wasn’t going to give up the fight. “Hey, Hyunnie, let’s not go home and spend the night at one of the hotels nearby, hm? We could go to that one we went to a few years ago for our anniversary and order room service. Sounds nice, right?” he tried to suade the other.

Woohyun looked tempted but still rejected the offer, shaking his head. “Can’t. We have to go home. Eunsoo is coming early tomorrow morning for breakfast. It’s our last chance to see her before she takes off for her honeymoon,” he reminded the elder.

“Right,” Sunggyu finally conceded and walked with the other towards their car to go home. “So Eunsoo finally put her foot down and said you couldn’t go on their honeymoon with them?”

Woohyun opened up the car door. “It’s crazy! I can’t believe that she doesn’t want her dad to go on her honeymoon with her,” he joked.

“Right? Who wouldn’t want that?” Sunggyu played along as they both slid into the car.

“Hyung?” Woohyun called to the other cautiously as he settled into his seat.

“What?”

“It would be wrong to get married the same day as our daughter, but would it be wrong if we went on a honeymoon when she did?” Woohyun asked. Sunggyu opened up his mouth, about to argue, but Woohyun continued before he could, “We’d go somewhere else, of course. But I think that we both could use an escape.” He then glanced over at the other. “What do you think?”

Sunggyu closed his mouth, pulling it up into a smile. “That sounds perfect.”

---

“We need a new bed,” Woohyun said as he flopped down onto the bed, and the bed had creaked loudly.

“I was thinking that this morning. Here take this,” Sunggyu confessed and offered too full wine glass to the younger, which Woohyun took after sitting back up.

“Thank you,” he murmured and then set the glass down on his night table. Sunggyu stared at the younger curiously as he took a long sip from his own glass. Woohyun looked like he had something to say, and sure enough, he did. He turned back towards to the other and patted to spot next to him. He waited for the elder to sit down before he began again, “Do you know what I was thinking of this morning?”

“Nope,” Sunggyu answered honestly and he took another drink. He then set the glass aside as well. “What were you thinking of?”

“Remember when I went to your talk for the first time?” Woohyun asked, and Sunggyu nodded, grinning as he recalled Woohyun’s reactions to his lecture, the mix of amazement and sadness. It was cute. “I keep thinking about the song that you sang. I’ve had it in my head all day,” he confessed.

“Really?”

“Eung,” Woohyun hummed. “To me of the future, who will be singing this song, I want to tell him thank you. You, who cried back then are making me smile now,” he sang, and Sunggyu also joined in the all too familiar song. “If you could tell your younger self anything, what would you tell him?” Woohyun suddenly asked when he was done. “That’s what I was thinking about all day.”

“Why were you thinking about that?” Sunggyu sputtered as his mind raced, scrambling for an answer.

“Because I’ve been feeling nostalgic all day,” Woohyun replied. “Now just answer the question. What would you tell yourself?”

“Hm,” Sunggyu hummed as he thought. “Not to join that company as a trainee?” he suggested. “Then I would still have my hearing.”

“True, but then we probably wouldn’t have met,” Woohyun pointed out.

“Oh right,” Sunggyu muttered. “Then nothing, I guess,” he changed his answer. “I liked how things turned out. I’m happy.”

“Me too,” Woohyun agreed, leaning on the other again.

“What would you tell yourself, if you could?” Sunggyu asked the other. He had a feeling that Woohyun had an answer, after all the younger had been thinking about the question all day. Sunggyu played with the other’s fingers as he waited for an answer.

Woohyun intertwined their fingers together, and squeezed Sunggyu’s hand tightly. “No matter how hard things get, even though it seems impossible, things always get better,” he replied. “That and we should’ve never let Eunsoo watch that horror movie.”

“Oh gosh right,” Sunggyu readily agreed. “She still carries around salt with her. We scarred her for life.”

Woohyun grunted as he reached over to pick up his glass and once he got it, he rolled back over to Sunggyu’s side. “But I still think that we did a pretty good job with her,” Woohyun remarked.

“Me too,” Sunggyu said as he picked up his own glass and clinked it against the others. Then they both took a drink.

“Hyung, how about we have another?”

“Nope,” Sunggyu shot down the suggestion before it came out of the younger’s mouth entirely.

“Then how about a puppy?” Woohyun bargained.

“Hyung will think about it,” Sunggyu replied, but he knew by saying that, Woohyun would take it as a ‘yes,’ and randomly coming home with a new mutt one day. But Sunggyu might like that mutt. He might welcome that change, some changes were good. Because with change, things do get better.