“Yes! Bravo! Bravo!”

Woohyun had just done a quick run-through of his performance for his mentor. It was sloppy and unrefined. His movements were still awkward and unsure. Woohyun had messed up the lyrics and the timing. It was his worst rehearsal to date. And yet, he never elicited such a positive response from Heechul since the competition started.

Never once had the idol looked at his phone (as he was accustomed to doing) while Woohyun was singing. Heechul was engrossed in the performance and watched with careful eyes. And after Woohyun finished, the mentor leapt out of his seat and began cheering and clapping. Woohyun was a bit taken aback by it and almost leapt up when Heechul’s hand fell onto his shoulder.

“Really?” Woohyun spoke, slightly out of breath. “Is it really that good?”

If he was being honest, Woohyun was so nervous that his hands were shaking and the corner of his mouth was twitching as he spoke. And he’d been honest with Heechul from the beginning. He told his mentor about Sunggyu and a bit about the man’s background, his condition, and their relationship. His anxiety grew, as Heechul was silent for once and listening to him intently. And then the song he’d chosen wasn’t about encouragement, asking the elder to rely on him and to keep his strength. It was obviously a love song about budding romantic feelings, an unsureness about what to do with them. And Woohyun was unsure of how the tactful (and sometimes tactless) idol would take it.

But Heechul seemed to like all of it. He smiled broadly and nodded. “Woohyunnie, my little penguin,” he began in an oddly gentle voice. “I’ve been wanting you to do another performance like this since your audition.”

“Hm? What do you mean?” Woohyun asked. He’d done more technically difficult songs in the past. He had also improved infinitely since the audition. In retrospect, his voice was the weakest at the auditions.

“It’s your spark,” Heechul clarified. “In the audition, you showed us who you really were, but in the last few performances, you were just a singer.” He then stepped back from Woohyun, widened his stance, and pretended to hold a microphone while blankly staring at the other. “Just standing on the stage like this. Boring!” he exclaimed and tossed aside the invisible microphone. Heechul turned his gaze back on his mentee. “The audience doesn’t want a singer. They want a penguin!”

Woohyun chuckled, “What’s with the penguin?”

“Penguins…” Heechul began and then he paused shortly afterwards to gather his thoughts. His eyes lifted to the ceiling of the red practice room as he pursed his lips. Then he had it, “Penguins, they are a little awkward when they are out of their element. Like this.” He brought his arms stiffly to his side and began to waddle in place. “But once they get in the water.” Heechul stopped waddling and made a noise from the back of his throat. “They’re beautiful.”

“Beautiful?” Woohyun said with a slight scoff in his voice. He wasn’t used to this kind of lavishment from his mentor and didn’t quite know how to respond (and if he didn’t respond well enough, the idol might snap).

“Eung,” Heechul responded. He looked proud of his simile, even if Woohyun was less than impressed with it. Then the idol snapped his fingers, remembering something else. “Also penguins eat fish,” he pointed out.

Woohyun raised an eyebrow at that, questioning the sanity of his coach. Of course penguins eat fish, but what does that have to do with …“Oh!” Woohyun gasped as he realized what the other had meant. Dongwoo’s nickname. He’s the fish .

“That’s right, Dongwoo,” Heechul spoke the younger’s thoughts out loud. “He has been blowing the competition away in the public votes. The audience loves him.” And Woohyun knew it. Every time when Myungsoo would reveal the rankings of that week, when Woohyun would stand next to Dongwoo’s side, holding his hand, Woohyun would notice that all eyes in the audience were on Dongwoo and not him. He knew the results before the MC even announced them. His friend’s stage presence and charisma was hard to match, but Heechul thought Woohyun could. “I don’t want to cause a rift between you two, but he is your competition too,” the idol remarked. “You’re the only one here who could challenge him. You’re a likable penguin, Nam Woohyun. The audience will fall in love with you if you let them.”

Woohyun grinned, his heart warming at the words. Never did he think that he’d be so affected by Heechul’s words or opinions. But to hear that the idol had faith in him, it made Woohyun feel proud of himself. There was no way Heechul would say those things unless he fully believed in them; even though he was Woohyun’s coach, Heechul seemed to have little attachment or affection towards him. And so Woohyun had  essentially convinced his biggest critic of his potential. “Thanks, coach.”

“Oh! There’s one more thing,” Heechul suddenly remembered. “Penguins are romantics.”

And his coach lost him on that point. “Because…they wear tuxedos?” Woohyun guessed.

Heechul shook his head. “No, they propose to their mates with pebbles. Cute, right?”

“I didn’t know that,” Woohyun mumbled and fixed his eyes on the floor. His face was heating up. He was caught. So Heechul did know what he was up to. For a second, Woohyun thought that the idol was just going to ignore it.

“Ah, maybe it’s because I’m smart,” Heechul praised himself, making Woohyun wince. The idol might not have been book smart, but he was clever. “Anyways, this is a proposal song, right? Or a confession?” he cut straight to the point, bluntly.

“Ah, yea…” Woohyun answered, barely moving his lips.

“It’s a bit risky, considering it’s for your hyung,” Heechul remarked. Then he placed his hand on Woohyun’s shoulder, forcing his mentee to look up at him. “ But ,” he placed extra emphasis on that word and smiled all the while. “...the audience loves a romantic. It’ll be good. Just don’t tell them your friend is a guy, okay?” he advised.

Woohyun smiled in relief and nodded. “Okay.” Okay, he was going to do this. Okay, this was going to work, not only for Sunggyu but for the competition as well. There was no way this could go wrong.

“Okay,” Heechul repeated as he stepped away and began making his way out the door. “Now fly away, my little penguin.”

“Penguins don’t fly!” Woohyun yelled at the back of his coach.

“That doesn’t stop them from trying.”

---

Too little time and too much to do, that summarized the rest of Woohyun’s week. Since he’d changed the concept of his performance last minute, he had a lot of work to do. He wanted it to be perfect. He needed it to be perfect. And to do so, he ate meals in the practice room, scarcely remembering to text Sungjong to tell his mother that he won’t be home for dinner. Woohyun even began ignoring messages from Sunggyu, or maybe ‘missed’ would be a better word. He kept his phone in the bag in the corner of the room, and by the time Woohyun checked his phone and read the messages, old man Sunggyu was probably fast asleep or working. However, he knew that Sunggyu would assume that he was ignoring him intentionally. But Woohyun didn’t worry too much. Everything would come to light soon. Soon, Sunggyu would know.

However, the preparations for the performance didn’t just stop at practicing the song and dance. Heechul seemed dedicated to make this stage the most elaborate one that Woohyun had ever put on. And after giving the idol some leeway, Heechul began adding more and more dimensions to the performance. “This is going to be a great show,” his coach assured him whenever Woohyun was apprehensive about  something. And soon, Woohyun learned that Heechul meant more than just his performance onstage.

The day before filming, Heechul dragged Woohyun from the practice room. “You practiced enough,” he declared as he pushed the younger into the fresh air outside (when did it get so cold?). “If I hear that song one more time, I’m going to go crazy.”

Woohyun scoffed and looked at his mentor skeptically (as if Kim Heechul wasn’t already crazy). “What do you suggest I do instead?”

“ We’re ,” Heechul drawled out the word as he pointed between the two of them. “We’re going shopping.”

“Huh?”

As always, Heechul had a flair for the dramatic, and Woohyun found himself feeling like a lead in a drama that his aunt would watch. His coach made ‘his little penguin’ try on suits that he’d picked out and made Woohyun come out of the dressing room for his approval. And true to form, every suit was more ridiculous than the last. While Woohyun was wondering whose grandmother sacrificed her curtains in order to make the floral suit that he was trying on, Heechul knocked on the dressing room door.

“What’s your favorite color?” he asked through the door.

“Uh, red,” Woohyun responded in a distracted voice. He raised his head to look at himself in the mirror. I look like a mini him . And with that thought, he immediately began tearing off the suit.

“My brother!” the idol exclaimed in English from the other side of the door. Woohyun was grateful to have the door between them so that the elder couldn’t see Woohyun roll his eyes. “Me too.”

“No way,” Woohyun’s voice was thick with sarcasm. It wasn’t like he was surrounded by four red walls everyday. It was actually making him dislike his favorite color.

“Huh?” Woohyun muttered as he put the suit coat back on the hanger. He heard steps walk away from the dressing room. He sighed. Heechul was on the prowl again. And now all Woohyun could do was wait and see what new, floral patterned suit would be passed over the dressing room door.

He had just hung up the pants when a bright red suit was thrown in over the door. “Yah!” Woohyun yelped as he struggled to catch the suit before it fell onto the floor.

“Try it on, and come out,” Heechul ordered. “Hurry! I’m getting tired of waiting.”

“Okay, okay,” Woohyun muttered as he held up the suit and finally had a good look at it. “Huh...not bad.”

It really wasn’t bad. Or maybe it only looked good in comparison to all of the other obnoxious colored suits that he tried on. But either way, it was a shade of red that he liked. The houndstooth pattern was flamboyant. It was alright. It was a suit that he wouldn’t be ashamed of wearing onstage.

“This isn’t bad,” Woohyun said as he emerged out of the dressing room. “I kind of like it.”

“Of course, I have good tastes,” Heechul praised himself.

Woohyun stopped in his tracks as he looked his coach up and down, and then up and down again. “You’re not wearing that for the filming, are you?” he asked with an edge to his voice. He should’ve known that the idol had something up his bright red sleeve.

“You like?” Heechul stepped forward and spun around, showing off his own nearly matching suit to Woohyun’s, except it was bespeckled with stars, fitting for the Big Space Star (with an ego to match). “What?” he snapped noticing the younger’s disgruntled expression. “You’ve always complained about me not supporting you more. Now we are a set.”

Woohyun frowned as he tugged on the lapels of his coat. It felt uncomfortable now. “Yea, but I didn’t mean…”

“You look good,” Heechul interrupted and smoothed out the younger’s lapel. “And more importantly I look good. Sold!” he exclaimed. Heechul then walked up to the sales lady waiting on them and handed her a black card. “I’ll take both of these,” he announced, gesturing at the both of them. “Put it on this card.”

“Uh, thank you,” Woohyun muttered. Even though he didn’t have much choice on the matter, he still had his manners. And judging by the way the suit felt against his skin, these weren’t cheap. It was probably the most expensive thing that Woohyun had ever worn. He glanced over at the mirror again, catching sight of his reflection. He puffed up his cheeks and let out a long, deep breath. Now he really felt like a lead in a drama. He looked like one too.

Slowly, he was morphing from Nam Woohyun, the poor orphan, to Nam Woohyun, the singer. His cheeks were thinning; his jaw was becoming more defined. His hair actually had a style to it, rather than just lying flatly on his head. Now, in this fancy suit, Woohyun finally looked like he belonged on the stage and not just someone who happened to be on it.

Even when he smiled at his own reflection, it looked different, happier, more confident.

And it was at that moment when he realized that this wasn’t only the suit that he’d be singing on the stage in, but it was also the suit that he was going to confess his love in, tomorrow.

He hoped that Sunggyu would see him then exactly how just saw himself now: handsome, confident, and most importantly, happy.

---

“Welcome back! Next up, we have Nam Woohyun who is dedicating his performance to someone special in his life,” Myungsoo introduced the clip that was about to play.

On the screen, Woohyun was sitting cross-legged, casually on the floor of the practice room. He was wearing clothes that he’d been dancing in, and his hair was sticking to his forehead, wet with sweat. The production crew had come in and interrupted his practice, giving Woohyun no time to clean himself up. But it suited him, and his image of the hard-working dreamer, with a bright smile overwhelming his face as he shared his story:

“When I first came to Seoul, I was alone. I had talked before about working at the convenience store, but I hadn’t mentioned that I worked the graveyard shift. It was really hard for me to make friends, and at that time, I was really lonely, yea,” he eased the tension in the room, laughing at nothing in particular. “But I don’t regret working there. That’s where I met my friend, the first friend that I made in Seoul, my best friend. Sorry Dongwoo,” he quickly added, apologizing to the camera. “And even though I was having a hard time, my friend had it rougher. My friend loves music just as much as I do. Both of us can’t live without it. But due to circumstances, this friend went deaf. But...but…” Woohyun stopped and smiled shyly to himself. “...This friend still watches every single one of my performances, even without being able to hear, just to support me and to tell me that I did well. Lies! You can’t even hear! How do you know how well I did?” Woohyun yelled to the camera, chuckling at himself. He then quickly collected himself and put on a serious face. “This week, I want to put on a performance that my best friend can enjoy, so my friend can call me and honestly tell me what they thought of my performance.”

And what he thinks of me as well .

---

After the clip was over, Woohyun jogged up to the center of the stage and bowed to each one of the judges, giving a special salute to his own coach. Heechul gave him a thumbs up and mouthed ‘Good Luck’ to him, for the first time. And with that, he felt ready.

Woohyun closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. His hand went up to make sure the the face microphone was taped securely to his cheek. He needed his hands to be free for this performance because he was not only singing but also signing for this entire performance. His words were going to be loud and clear so that the deaf, old man could ‘hear’ it from his living room.

Woohyun grinned at that thought of Sunggyu, waiting in anticipation in front of the television set, knowing that this performance was for him. His heart began racing in his chest, fluttering. Excited.

Then the music started. And he sang.

 

Is it because of the caffeine?

Am I just really into you?

When I’m sitting across from you and talking

My seasons change

Just like spring coming into my frozen heart

At some point, my heart starts to beat

Why am I like this?

Is it because of the coffee we drank together?

It’s probably because…

Is it because of the caffeine?

Am I just really into you?

My heart keeps beating

My lips keep cracking

Is it because of you?

Or is it because of coffee?

Even after a while since meeting you

I can’t calm down

I barely fall asleep in bed

In my ears, I can only hear your heart beat

Why am I being like this?

Can’t someone stop me?

It’s probably because…

Is it because of the caffeine?

Am I just really into you?

My heart keeps beating

My lips keep cracking

Is it because of you?

Or…

You just think of me as someone to tell funny stories

As just a friend to spend time with

Do you expect more from me? Or not?

Why am I getting sad as I look at you?

It’s probably because…

Why is my heart being like this?

Is it because it’s spring?

Wanting to hold your hand and

Wanting to sit close right next to you

Is because of something else

But why are you the only one who doesn’t know

Actually, it’s because I like you.

---

At the end of the performance, Woohyun stood in his final pose, panting, tired from all the dancing (which even in spite of a week’s worth of practicing, he was still unaccustomed to). Confetti rained down around him, Heechul’s added flair to the performance. Woohyun could barely see the audience through the white confetti flying around him, but then he noticed the blinking red light of the camera, which was fixed on him. Woohyun made sure to wink and to send his hyung a finger heart before straightening himself up to face the judges.

“Nam Woohyun,” Ali began the critiques. Judging by the smile on her face, causing her eyes to disappear into it, it was going to be good. “That was the best performance that you’ve ever given…maybe even the best on the show so far! Your friend is lucky to have such a caring, talented...cute friend! But…” she paused and her face grew grim. Woohyun’s stomach dropped. “I have just one negative comment. This is important, so listen well.”

“Yea,” Woohyun chirped, cupping his hands around his ears to hear her better.

Ali laughed at that before becoming serious again. “Never, and I really mean ‘never,’ let Heechul-ssi dress you again.”

“Yah!” the idol snapped. He stood up from his seat, showing the entire audience his entire outfit. “We look good. We’re a set! A set!” he explained with a booming voice.

“Can we continue?” Yoon Sang asked with a teasing lilt in his voice. Heechul yielded and sat back down. Yoon Sang shook his head at the idol and then turned his attention back onto Woohyun. “I agree with Ali. This was your best performance to date, but even given that, when I watched you today, I was reminded of your first performance for us at the auditions. We saw that Nam Woohyun again, that cheerful youth. And you connected with the audience again, like you did back then. I’m certain that it will reflect in the public’s votes tonight.”

“Ah thank you,” Woohyun exclaimed, bowing deeply at Yoon Sang’s praise.

Finally it was Hyunmi’s turn. “Woohyun-ssi,” she began with a motherly smile on her face. “I didn’t want this performance to end. I keep wanting to hear more,” she admitted. “It was really cute and fun to watch. I hope you give more performances like this in the future,” she ended her statement with a short applause for the singer. Afterwards, she turned to the idol next to her and asked, “Is there anything that you’d like to tell your singer?”

“Yes,” Heechul announced, making Woohyun grit his teeth in anticipation. The idol smirked. “It looks like my little penguin is hungry for fish tonight.”

Ali quirked an eyebrow. “Who is the ‘penguin’?” she challenged. “Woohyun-ssi?”

“Yes,” Woohyun interjected. “Because I walk like this,” he joked, as he put his hands stiffly to his sides and waddled in place.

“You two really are a set,” Ali remarked. Woohyun frowned. Heechul wasn’t the guy that he wanted to be ‘a set’ with.

“Woohyun-hyung,” Myungsoo broke in, suddenly appearing at Woohyun’s side. The MC was fiddling around with the earpiece in his ear, probably receiving instructions from the crew, telling him to wrap things up. “Good job, but I think it’s time to waddle away and clear the stage for the next performance. Shall we?”

“Eung,” Woohyun grunted, and then he continued the penguin act and waddled off-stage with the model waddling right next to his side.

As soon as they got back stage, Myungsoo broke out into a peal of laughter and began patting his hyung on the back. “You did good, hyung,” he praised, still smiling widely. But before he could say anything else, the staff whisked the MC away to introduce the next contestant.

Woohyun felt guilty for feeling relieved that the younger went away, but he had an important phone call to make. Quickly, Woohyun scurried over to the other side of the room and scrambled for his bag, rummaging for his phone. As soon as he found it, he called Sunggyu.

The elder picked up after only one ring. “Hello?”

“Hyung! Did you see it? Did you watch my stage? What do you think? Is...Is it okay? Are you okay with it? Do...Do you feel the same way?” Woohyun ran off a flurry of question even before Sunggyu had finished his greeting. And maybe it was because the younger was impatient, but Sunggyu was oddly quiet. One second passed, then two, three…“Hyung?”

A chuckle, slightly strained, broke out on the other end of the line. “Yah, Nam Woohyun,” the elder chided. “Did you forget that I was deaf? Dummy.”

“Oh, ,” Woohyun cursed as he pulled the phone from his ear and switched it to a video call. He had been excited, nervous, a little too much, and made himself look like a fool in the process. But, if he heard just those three words from Sunggyu, then everything would be alright.

“Hello,” Woohyun began the conversation again, waving to the other as soon as his image appeared on the screen.

“Good job, Woohyun,” those weren’t the three words that Woohyun had wanted to hear originally, but they still sounded nice. The singer’s heart warmed as he grinned brightly, waiting for the elder to say something else. But then he never did.

Woohyun frowned and began signing to the other, “That’s it? There’s nothing else? Nothing else you want to say to me. Nothing at all?” Luckily, he’d decided to sign over speaking. If he had tried saying these things, Woohyun would’ve been shouting near the end, attracting all sorts of unwanted gazes from people in the waiting room. But instead, he was a silent madman, violently gesturing at his phone.

“Ask for my permission first next time,” Sunggyu replied with a straight face. “Tell me before you use my story for your show again. It caught me off-guard.”

“Huh?” Woohyun muttered. He was officially confused and speechless. He didn’t know how to respond. He wasn’t using Sunggyu’s story. Woohyun was telling everyone about their story. “Hyung,” Woohyun finally spoke, his scattered thoughts slowly coalescing into one coherent thought. “That wasn’t what I was doing. I was…” he stopped again. Did he really have to explain what he was trying to do? Wasn’t it obvious?

“Isn’t Dongwoo up next?” Sunggyu took advantage of Woohyun’s silence, reminding the other that he still was being filmed, that he still had a job to do. “You should be there to support him. You don’t want people to think you don’t like him.”

“Ah, right,” Woohyun mumbled in agreement, not caring that his lips barely moved for the other to read.

And Sunggyu seemed annoyed by that because there was a jagged edge to his voice when he said, “Bye.”

And “Oh,” was all that Woohyun managed to get out before Sunggyu ended the call.

Woohyun threw his phone on top of his bag as he slumped onto the floor. Entertainment value, Sunggyu had honestly thought that Woohyun used their friendship to help sway the audience in his favor. Sunggyu thought that Woohyun used his disability for f***ing entertainment.

And that hurt more than Sunggyu’s rejection (or complete disregard) of his confession.

---

Woohyun wasn’t allowed to dwell on Sunggyu’s words, or to think them through, find where the misunderstanding laid. Ultimately, his hyung was right; Woohyun wasn’t done with his ‘performance’ yet. He had to force a smile on his face and watch Dongwoo sing his song. But the smile soon became natural. Dongwoo had that effect on him, putting him at ease and making him laugh when he was determined to be upset. Dongwoo had gotten a little carried away that night, caught up in the excitement and the audience’s energy. His freestyle dancing was ‘freer’ than usual, even making Heechul hang his head in embarrassment. But it made Woohyun laugh, loudly. And so for the rest of the filming, Woohyun stayed by Dongwoo’s side because Dongwoo’s flighty mind and erratic ways always made for a good, pleasant distraction.

When the filming was done, as usual, his aunt came to watch, with her light board flashing Woohyun’s name and with Sungmin at her side. Like always, she greeted her adopted nephew with a warm hug. Either she had noted his melancholy (Woohyun couldn’t hide it well anymore after the cameras turned off) or was moved by his performance because she held him more tightly than usual and whispered into his ear how proud she was. And it was at that moment that Woohyun let out a tear, only one though. That’s all he would allow himself. They were still in public, still at the filming venue. And Woohyun wasn’t quite sure why that tear came out. He didn’t want to explain his tears. He didn’t know how. But one, just one tear could be overlooked.

His aunt just wordlessly wiped it away as she patted his cheek. And together, they left for home.

However, Woohyun wasn’t left alone with his thoughts even then (which was probably for the best). Before he could even pass out on his futon, there was a knock at his apartment door. When he opened it, Sungjong was on the other side.

“You were rejected, huh?” Sungjong asked bluntly, raising an eyebrow.

Woohyun scoffed. Sungjong wasn’t even at the filming, nor did he know about the entire situation, but trust the teen to watch the live broadcast and be able to put the pieces together. Woohyun sang and signed his love onstage, but once the show was over, Woohyun looked like anything but a happy boy in love (Sungmin must’ve told his brother. Sungmin always talked too much when it came to Woohyun). Honestly, it wasn’t a hard conclusion to come to, especially since Sungjong himself was going through a similar thing.

“Cutting straight to the chase, I see,” Woohyun sneered. “No, ‘hey hyung, how are you? Mind if I spend the night? I brought snacks.’ Rude.”

Sungjong rolled his eyes and tossed a black plastic bag to the other. “Here, hyung,” he mumbled as he brushed past the elder and entered the apartment. “I’m staying the night,” he announced. Then Sungjong turned around and looked the other in the eye. “Were you rejected?”

Woohyun dropped his gaze to the bag in his hands as he walked back into the center of his apartment. He dropped down onto his futon, and the younger followed suit, never letting his gaze drift from the elder. Woohyun sighed, feeling the heat of the other’s gaze. “I don’t know,” the man grumbled and pulled out a beer from the bag. Sungjong must’ve stolen it from his father’s stash. “But at least you have some sense,” Woohyun gave a gruff compliment and popped the tab off of the beer can. After a swig, Woohyun was disappointed. The false euphoria didn’t wash over him (why did he expect it would? It was only one sip); he felt even more tense as the drink fought with his already upset stomach. But he took another drink, just in case that would solve everything, and then another, longer one. The can was almost empty now, and he felt just as hollow.

“What do you mean ‘I don’t know’?” Sungjong combatted, narrowing his eyes on his brother. “Isn’t kind of obvious?”

Woohyun let out a deep breath as he crushed the can in his hands. “I have been rejected before. I know what it’s like,” he answered in a cutting tone. After all he wasn’t a child, and even though he didn’t act like it much, he was in fact older than Sungjong, more experienced, even in the matters of the heart. “But…” he began and quickly stopped. He closed his eyes and thought back to the call. The whole thing seemed off. “Sunggyu-hyung just sounded angry, maybe even disappointed. But…he also sounded like he wasn’t trying to be angry at the same time,” he explained, recalling the strained laughter from the call. It made his hair stand on its end. “I don’t know. It was weird.” There’s no other way to describe it .

“What did he say?” Sungjong wasn’t letting up. They were going to figure this out, together, whether Woohyun wanted to or not.

“He told me to ask for his permission before I tell people about him,” the elder answered. Maybe he was irritated? Annoyed? Woohyun’s mind still tried to make sense of it all. “I guess he didn’t like it,” but the only conclusion that he could come to tonight was just that: Sunggyu didn’t like the performance. For whatever reason, it had bothered Sunggyu.

“What did you say?”

“Hm?” Woohyun grunted as he dug through the bag again. He pulled out a sausage as he raised his gaze finally to meet the younger’s. The concern in Sungjong’s eyes put him even more on edge. “I said ‘ok.’” Woohyun replied. “I probably should’ve asked beforehand, but that would’ve ruined the whole surprise and…”

“Hyung,” the younger cut him off, even his tone was sharp. “Did you tell him, word for word, explicitly…”

“Wow, big word,” Woohyun interjected.

Sungjong slapped the other sharply in the arm. “Shut up,” he fought back. He wasn’t going to let the other change the focus (like Woohyun was trying to). “Did you tell Sunggyu-ssi ‘I like you’?”

“No,” Woohyun answered honestly, but then he quickly launched into an explanation. “ But I sang it. I put my heart out there. For...everyone to see. He’d be stupid if he didn’t know that I was confessing. I mean, come on, it’s not like I sing love songs to everybody.”

“Hyung,” Sungjong spoke like a soft sigh. Woohyun froze at that tone, and stiffened even more at the look the younger was giving him. Sungjong pitied him. “You sing all the time. Like really all the time. You try to sing me asleep. And last week, backstage, you sang ‘Just Once’ before Dongwoo went onstage.”

“,” Woohyun cursed. That’s where the misunderstanding laid. That’s why he wasn’t being taken seriously. It was because Woohyun wasn’t typically a serious person. He was playful, impulsive. He was silly. He himself didn’t even know what he was doing half the time. “I really do sing love songs to just about everybody. No wonder.” He let out a deep sigh and bit back his mouth, holding himself back.

And it didn’t help that the whole night seemed orchestrated, from Heechul’s matching suit to Woohyun waddling offstage with the MC. It didn’t help that he was being silly, a fool for the audience’s amusement. And Sunggyu knew just how desperate he was to win the audience’s favor.

I didn’t even mention hyung’s name. I didn’t even call him ‘hyung’ because I was afraid of what people would think . If it was possible to feel like a coward after boldly confessing your feelings in front of the eyes of the entire country (and a few hundred international viewers), Woohyun did.

“That’s just who you are, hyung,” Sungjong spoke, breaking into his thoughts. That’s who he was? A coward? “It’s cute. You’re cute,” the younger complimented. Woohyun looked over at the other, wide-eyed and with a slight smile playing on his lips (why did it sound good to hear?). “...sometimes. But you’re mostly annoying,” Sungjong quickly undercut, robbing his brother of what little trace of a smile that he had.

“You really at comforting people,” Woohyun retorted. Sungjong rolled his eyes and pulled out another beer from his coat pocket and handed it to the elder. “But you’re quickly improving.”

---

Sungjong kept to his word and kept to Woohyun’s side for the rest of the night, even sharing his futon. It wasn’t annoying. It was just the opposite. The teen’s presence was comforting, and right before they went to bed, Sungjong told Woohyun not to worry, that things would eventually turn out alright. They did for him. Even though Hwayoung couldn’t return his feelings, they became closer as friends. But Sungjong also couldn’t say any of that without sighing.

Thing might turn out alright down the line, but right now, things for the both of them.

And Woohyun couldn’t keep his mind from running, grinding, trying to work out every little thing that he might’ve done wrong in life (even biting off the ear of Sungjong’s teddy bear when he was younger. Sungjong was innocent. The bear was innocent. And Woohyun was an animal). He couldn’t fall asleep, not even an alcohol-induced nap because Sungjong only brought two beers with him, which gave Woohyun a slight buzz that already faded. Now his mind was clearer than ever, and active.

He might as well stay up all night and make use of it.

So he dragged himself out of bed, careful not to disturb the other. He grabbed a pen and his notebook, and he left his apartment for the community kitchen. With some help from coffee, he would spend the entire night writing lyrics. It should help. It should be cathartic, purging out his thoughts and feelings onto the page.

But it wasn’t. All he managed to do in two hours was write down the date and time and spill coffee all over the page. Now with the caffeine coursing through his veins and with the lack of sleep, Woohyun was more agitated.

He almost fell out of his chair when he heard a door creak open from the hallway. After calming down and gripping his mug tightly in both hands, Woohyun craned his neck to see who it was.

A woman with long, red hair that was tied up in a ponytail crept on the tips of her toes out of Sungyeol’s apartment. Solji , Woohyun concluded. He’d never seen the cook from the restaurant before, but it had to be her, especially since she was quickly followed by the cop who had a doe-eyed look in his eyes and a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. His fingers were gripping on the tails of her coat, tugging, coaxing her to come back inside.

Lee Sungyeol, you love-sick bastard.

“Sorry that the dinner didn’t turn out so well,” Sungyeol whispered loudly, whispering for intimacy’s sake.  Solji turned around to face him, her gaze dropped to their now joined hands. “Who’d think you needed that long to make the stew…”

“It’s okay,” she whispered back, brushing her hand against his cheek, as soft as her voice. “It gave me a reason to stay longer and spend more time with you. I enjoyed it. Thank you. Thank you for being a horrible cook.” She broke out into a light laughter near the end, and the smile finally pulled apart Sungyeol’s face.

He pulled her in closer. “You know, you could always stay longer...the whole night,” his voice was lower, huskier. Woohyun had to look away now. It felt too intimate.

“Hmmm,” he still heard Solji hum in thought. It was high, pensive yet teasing. I was obvious that she was going to say no, but she was going to regret it.

“Hm? Hmmm?” Sungyeol mocked her.

Woohyun’s eyes darted back to the couple, wondering how the woman would react. If it had been him, he would’ve gotten hit. But Solji giggled and unwrapped her arms from the other’s waist. “I should really be getting back. I work in a few hours,” she confessed with a pout.

“F**k it,” Yeol cursed, reaching out for her.

“Yeol!”

“You’re the boss!” Sungyeol argued, raising his voice and it echoed down the hall. Solji’s eyes widened in shock, and she put her finger to her lips. Oddly, Sungyeol actually obeyed that silent command and dropped his voice, “ You can be late. Noona, stay.” Is he begging? Woohyun studied his friend’s face. Oh my god, he’s using aegyo.

“You,” Solji replied in a chiding tone, slapping her boyfriend’s puffed out cheeks. “You’re a bad influence.” She then pecked his lips and said as she walked away, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And then she was gone.

At least I wasn’t the only one turned down today , Woohyun thought. He spun in his chair, ready to get on his feet and offer Sungyeol a cup of coffee (and tease the hell out of his friend for acting so darn cute). But he stopped before his feet hit the floor. Sungyeol truly was love-sick. He was smiling so wide that Woohyun could see every tooth in his mouth, but Sungyeol’s hands were gingerly touching those tights lips which Solji had kissed just moments before. His girlfriend had turned him down, and he liked it. Lee Sungyeol actually liked it.

Woohyun wordlessly watched as the cop walked back into his apartment. Once the door shut, he slumped into his chair, letting his head hit the table as he stared at the closed door.

A strange feeling washed over him. It was only strange because Woohyun went from wanting to mock his friend, to this. He was jealous of Sungyeol, incredibly jealous. What I wouldn’t give ...

In his mind’s eye, the door opened again. This time, it was him and Sunggyu. The elder was pushing him out, but Woohyun wouldn’t have it. He dodged around the other and snuck back into the apartment. And even though Sunggyu had missed grabbing his wrist by a millisecond, Sunggyu was wearing that same, broad, goofy grin that Sungyeol had seconds ago. The smile stayed as he walked back into the apartment, after Woohyun. He imagined the elder calling his name, louder than he intended. The whole building would hear. The whole building would know about them. Together.

What I wouldn’t give ...

---

The next morning, Woohyun woke up with a start. His cheek was stuck to the kitchen table and there was a small pool of drool beneath it. Somehow, he managed to fall asleep last night. It had only made him more tired and weak.

Stretching, hearing his bones creak as he moved, Woohyun sat up from his seat at the table and shuffled sluggishly back into his bedroom. If he was lucky, he could catch a few more hours of sleep before Heechul called him back into the practice room.

To his surprise, sun was already peeking through his curtains, and Sungjong was already awake, sitting up on Woohyun’s futon. A song was playing loudly in the air, and Sungjong was extending his arm out to the elder, offering something. Woohyun cocked his head as he stared at the sleepy teen who was rubbing his tired eyes. “Answer it,” Sungjong ordered through a yawn. “It’s been ringing for awhile.”

Oh, it’s my phone. The realization dawned on him slower than the sun through his curtains. He quickly took the phone, and his jaw came unhinged as he saw multiple messages waiting in his inbox. “It’s Sunggyu-ssi,” Sungjong announced, scratching his leg.

“What do I do?” Woohyun asked.

“You answer, hyung,” Sungjong replied as he got up from the futon. He clapped his hand on the other’s shoulder as he made his way out of the room in order to give Woohyun some privacy. “Good luck,” he muttered.

“Jjongie,” Woohyun called out to the younger, when Sungjong was still at the threshold. He turned around. “Thank you.” Sungjong nodded and left.

Now alone, Woohyun’s thumb brushed along the screen of his phone, unlocking it and revealing the messages inside.

 

Gyu-hyung: Hoya said you did well last night. He wanted me to tell you.

Gyu-hyung: He could’ve told you himself. I’m not his errand bo y.

Gyu-hyung: I get no respect.

Gyu-hyung: >:(

Gyu-hyung: Want to get breakfast?

 

Woohyun laughed. It was robotic and the corner of his mouth was twitching. Was it really funny or was he just going insane? He was too tired to figure it out, but maybe some breakfast and coffee could wake him up.

Woohyun: Sure. Just tell me when and where.

---

Sunggyu told him to meet him in front of his apartment building, and they’d go somewhere nearby. Woohyun looked up at the familiar building, remembering the last time that he was here. His heart started racing and then slowing to a halt. HIs stomach churned. I’m going to die. I’m really going to die . Woohyun then shook his head and kicked the side of the building with his foot. No, I’m just going crazy .

What was he supposed to make of this? Sunggyu, he had sounded so upset last night. He didn’t call or text after the filming was done like he usually did. He was silent. But this morning, it was a different story. Sunggyu woke up and returned to his usual, teasing self. He sounded playful.

“Did he forget? Is he that old? Or maybe he has memory problems too. He did hit his head pretty hard,” Woohyun muttered under his breath as he paced back and forth in front of the building. He stopped and threw back his head, his eyes searching for the elder’s window several floors up. Is Sunggyu just lonely? Maybe Sunggyu would rather be with Woohyun and upset than be alone and upset. Or ...Woohyun lowered his head and his eyes grew round. Or does he know that last night was more than just a song and dance? Maybe this is him accepting. Maybe he’s ...

“Woohyun-ah!”

Sunggyu came rushing out of the apartment, hands deep within the pockets of his coat. His breath was forming in clouds around his face. He smiled as he reached Woohyun’s side.

It doesn’t matter . To Woohyun, it really didn’t matter why Sunggyu wanted to meet it. All that mattered is that they did. In spite of last night, he still had Sunggyu, maybe not in the way he wanted. But it was okay. Not great but okay. It was just going to be the same as it always was.

“I’m sorry for last night.” Wait, that’s what Woohyun was about to say, but Sunggyu got to it first. The elder’s hands were always quick to the draw.

“For what?” Woohyun asked.

“Getting mad,” Sunggyu clarified with an embarrassed smile. “You really did well last night. The performance…” He paused and his hands wavered in the air for the while as he searched for the right sign, “it was touching. I guess…” He stopped again. But this time he dropped his hands to his side. This was much easier for him to say than to sign, “I guess that I’m really not over some things that I thought I was. The industry can be so fake.”

Woohyun rebutted quickly, “I wasn’t using you, hyung. That’s the last thing I’d do. You have to know that.” He walked closer and signed, “That song was for you and for no one else. Just you.”

Sunggyu’s face stiffened, but only for a second, he relaxed and sighed. “I know,” he replied. Woohyun glared at him. He wasn’t convinced. Sunggyu gave a short chuckle. “Well, I know now. You’re a good kid, Woohyun. You even sang for your old man like a good son. I liked it.” He stepped forward and ruffled the younger’s hair. “Good job,” he praised in a high-pitched tone, as if he was talking to a child. “Now. Let’s go. It’s freezing out here.”

Woohyun let the other get ahead of him, waiting for Sunggyu to turn his back towards him before grumbling, “What the f**k was that?”

---

During breakfast, things felt normal between them...at times. But sometimes, Woohyun would look up from his bowl and catch Sunggyu sighing. What is that? Woohyun wondered as he dropped his spoon into the dish. Is he still disappointed? “I guess that I’m really not over some things that I thought I was.” What things? No...It can’t be...him? Is he still...

“Humph,” Sunggyu heaved.

“What?” Woohyun finally snapped.

“What are you doing for Chuseok?” Sunggyu asked, catching the other by surprise.

“I have a break,” Woohyun signed. “I’m going home.”

“Oh,” Sunggyu muttered weakly through his lips. He nodded. “That should be nice. I’m going home too. But...It’s just as I thought.”

“What do you mean?” Woohyun shot back, tilting his head.

“This will be the last time we see each other for a while,” Sunggyu responded.

“Hyung, it’s just for a few days,” Woohyun  retorted, his head still cocked to the side in confusion, as if looking at his hyung at a different angle would reveal why he was acting so strangely. “It’s not like we see each other everyday.”

“Right. We don’t,” Sunggyu mumbled under his breath. A thin smile then spread across his face. “It’s not like I’m your real father,” he signed.

“Father?” Woohyun repeated. He watched Sunggyu carefully, who was now drinking the dregs of his soup. Sunggyu hates when I call him that , Woohyun thought, recalling the “time-out” from months ago.   Why is he calling himself that now?

“Yea,” Sunggyu spoke again, punctuated by him dropping his bowl against the table with a loud thud. He must’ve noted the confusion painted on the younger’s face. “You know this relationship that we have. Like father and son,” he explained.

Did...did I just get son-zoned? Woohyun’s hands clenched into a fist as he tried to control his face as much as possible. “Hyung,” he spoke it loud and clear, staring at the other in the eye. Sunggyu’s gaze then fluttered down to his lips. “Hyung, if you were my dad, I’d get myself emancipated.”

Sunggyu frowned. “That’s harsh. And I practically raised you ever since you came to Seoul. Ungrateful piece of…” His gaze drifted back up to the younger’s eyes. He smiled and tapped Woohyun’s fist, lightly, and then immediately retracted his hands into his lap as he muttered, “I’m kidding.”

At that Woohyun finally unclenched his fists. “What is this? We’re friends. You’re not my dad. You’re my best friend,” he signed. He then gestured towards his mouth, silently telling the elder to read his lips. “Do I need to speak informally for you to get it, Sunggyu-ya?” the corner of his mouth twitched upwards as he said that.

“Do you want to die?” Sunggyu snarled.

Woohyun slumped back into his chair and turned his head to the side, looking anywhere else but at the man in front of him. “Hyung, I don’t get you,” he mumbled.

But Sunggyu still managed to read that (or he was able to predict Woohyun well). “I don’t either,” he admitted lowly. Woohyun snapped his head back forward. Did Sunggyu mean to say that out loud? Did he know how erratic he was behaving? How confusing? But then the waiter came with the meat they had ordered and saved them from arguing any further. “Ah, food!” Sunggyu exclaimed. “Let’s eat.”

---

“I guess that I’m really not over some things that I thought I was.”

That phrase kept repeating over and over again in Woohyun’s mind. After all, it was the excuse Sunggyu had given him for getting so upset. But what exactly did it mean?

“The industry can be so fake.”

Was Sunggyu peeved by the nature of show business? Was he upset by the industry itself or the people in it? It’s the people...No, a specific person , Woohyun’s wild mind concluded. Sunggyu seemed to be over him. Sunggyu acted like he was, but…

“I can’t hate him...He was my first love, and I can’t hate him.”

That was it. Woohyun decided that his performance must’ve drudged up some old memories of Sunggyu and Jiyu during their trainee years. Maybe Jiyu had sang for him too. Maybe Jiyu had been just as flamboyant and silly. Maybe I’m just like him , Woohyun thought as a chill ran down his spine.

“Hyung,” Woohyun called out to the other, reaching over the table to tap his hand.

Sunggyu looked startled as he perked his head up. “What?”

“Do you still think of him?” Woohyun asked. Sunggyu cocked his head, confused. Woohyun swallowed before elaborating, “Jiyu?”

The elder snorted and then sputtered into a laugh. He was laughing so hard that he could respond to the other and just shook his head, waving his hand. It was ridiculous. That notion was ridiculous to Sunggyu, for some reason. Woohyun frowned and stabbed the food in front of him. I guess that’s not it either. Then, he felt a tapping on his hands. Sunggyu was trying to get his attention.

He was still laughing and couldn’t speak, but his hands spoke for him, “You know that I’ve had more boyfriends than just him, right? And I think about them a lot more.”

“Of...course,” Woohyun struggled to complete this sign. He thought that he’d be relieved to know Jiyu was nothing but a memory to Sunggyu, but now Woohyun had new things to worry about. He was wavering between elation and dread. And he didn’t quite know how to respond to the other, so he went for the reflexive response: teasing Sunggyu. “You’re old,” he signed. Sunggyu finally stopped with his raspy laughter now and pouted. Woohyun took this chance to delve deeper into his new worries, “So...around how many people have you dated? Are you dating someone now?” Why had I never considered that?

“Ah,” Sunggyu muttered as he leaned back. He crossed his arms over his chest. There was a twinkle in his eye. “Define what you mean by ‘date,’” he retorted, his voice faint from laughing too hard.

But it still hit the younger, hard. “Hyung, this isn’t funny,” Woohyun replied. “Just answer the question.”

“Let me worry about my love life, and you worry about your own,” Sunggyu signed, and then he picked up his chopsticks and continued eating.

This time, Woohyun was the one to let out a deep, frustrated sigh.

I’m trying.

---

Heechul canceled practice that day and urged Dongwoo and Woohyun to go home, which Woohyun did so gladly. He could use a break from the big city and its people. His aunt drove him back to his hometown, back to the orphanage that Woohyun thought he’d never want to return to, back home. And old man Jungyeop was there at the door to greet Woohyun with open arms.

“It’s good to have you back, Woohyunnie,” Jungyeop said. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Woohyun answered.

And the funny thing was that Woohyun wasn’t lying. He not only missed that silly old man, but even the gaggle of children who would follow him around like little ducklings. He missed the musky smell of the old house and the familiar creaking of the floorboards. He missed his old room which he shared with Jungyeop (to open up more room for the children), who snored loudly. He missed all the sounds, smells, and just the general feeling of being home.

Maybe that’s why one day, it just slipped out.

Woohyun was up in the attic, helping Jungyeop find the box of hand-me-down hanboks that had had been donated over the years. Jungyeop thought it would be cute to dress the children up in them and take pictures for his Chuseok blogpost. Woohyun must’ve been gone too long. Jungyeop had finally learned how to work a computer and started a blog for the orphanage. There were posts about Woohyun too on the blog (including old embarrassing childhood photos of him with even more embarrassing captions from Jungyeop), and because of his minor celebrity status, the blog had gained a lot of followers. But Woohyun didn’t mind for a couple of reasons. For one, it helped to advertise for the orphanage, and hopefully, some pictures of him and the kids in hanboks would stir up good publicity. And two…

“Assa!” Woohyun cheered as he stumbled on the box in the corner of the attic. “Dad, I found it!”

And two, Woohyun (for a longer time than he’d ever admit) considered Jungyeop as his father. The blogposts were heart-warming. Jungyeop was bragging about Woohyun as if he was his own child, saying how proud he was of the singer, how he knew that Woohyun was destined for great things. “He just needed a push,” Jungyeop wrote in one post. And Jungyeop had given Woohyun just that, pushing him out of the hole that he was stuck in and out into the big city where he could achieve his dreams.

Jungyeop cared about Woohyun. He always had. It was evident in the tears that were now welling up in his eyes after Woohyun called him ‘dad’ for the first time. “Good job, Woohyunnie. Let’s go back down.”

When they came back down from the attic, they found out that they had visitors, a whole crew of them. One of the workers must’ve let them in.

“What the…” Woohyun held himself back from swearing for the sake of the children, circling around the guests. “What are you going here?”

“Come on. You know you’re happy to see me. You missed me.”

Woohyun walked up to his coach. “It’s only been a few days,” he muttered back. His eyes were darting around the room, picking out the cameras. I thought I had a break .

“Yea, but everyday without me feels like a year, right?” Heechul shot back. Woohyun rolled his eyes but bit back his tongue. It’s quite the opposite . Heechul took him by surprised and wrapped his arm around the other’s shoulders, bringing him in closer. “Yah! Did you forget about the home visits? You look too surprised. I told you about them before I dismissed you,” he whispered harshly into Woohyun’s ear.

Admittedly, Woohyun had other things on his mind when Heechul was rambling to him over the phone. He had only paid attention to about half the conversation. “Oh, I remember,” he mumbled back. I remember now .

“Right,” the idol replied as he let go of his mentee, now opening the conversation to the cameras around them. “YAH!” he yelled suddenly, making Woohyun jump (and several kids scream along). “Do you know I embarrassed I was? I went to the house of that family you always hang out with, but you weren’t there!”

“You met with the Lees?” Woohyun asked. He couldn’t fight back the smile from forming on his face. Sungmin probably had some choice words for the idol (Woohyun had complained to the little brother about how Heechul ignored him). And Woohyun would’ve paid money to see Heechul annoy Sungjong.

“Eung,” Heechul admitted. “But luckily your aunt pointed me in the right direction... and I brought a friend along.”

“Who?” Woohyun searched around the room, finding no such ‘friend.’

But then a voice came from behind him. “Hyung!”

Woohyun spun around and saw Myungsoo standing there with little girls latched onto each of his legs as he waddled forward. “Ahjussi!” the MC cried as he waddled up and hugged Jungyeop.

“The two orphans coming back to where it all began,” Heechul narrated as he clapped a hand onto Woohyun’s shoulder. “You can’t make better television than this.”

Woohyun watched as Myungsoo squeezed the old man tighter. It took awhile for Jungyeop to realize who it was and hugged him back. A touching reunion, or at least that’s how it would appear on screen. Woohyun’s eyes flittered over towards the camera.

There goes my break.

---

But even though Woohyun was ‘working,’ the visit was enjoyable. He and Heechul actually got along as the idol acted like a human being and played with the orphans, even helping them into mismatched hanboks. He got along well with the children, probably because they were the same mental age. 

And then on the other end of the spectrum was Myungsoo. While Heechul was like a child among his peers, Myungsoo was showing off his fatherly side, helping to feed the children and even to blow their noses. But after playing and leading the children through the ancestral ceremonies, Heechul lead Woohyun and Jungyeop into a separate room for an interview. Myungsoo, once he detached himself from the girls who’d taken to him, joined them.

“I wanted to be the one to tell you, hyung…” Myungsoo began but he was quickly interrupted by the idol.

“I wanted to say it, but this kid was so adamant,” he grumbled.

“You got first place this week!” Myungsoo blurted out before the other could ruin the announcement.

Woohyun looked around in disbelief. “What?!”

“You won first in the vote, by a lot ,” the MC revealed. “And with the finals coming up, you’re in good position.”

Heechul nodded. “You’re going to be a finalist, just like I thought,” he praised his forethought.

“This is great, but…” Jungyeop began. His voice began quivering because he wasn’t used to being filmed. “We shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves.” He turned towards the singer sitting next to him. “Good job, Woohyun. I’m so proud of you,” he spoke lowly.

“Of course,” Heechul interject into the tender moment. “But you have a very talented ward.”

“I know,” Jungyeop quickly responded. “I’ve known ever since he was in kindergarten when he sang in the Christmas pageant and later asked Santa if he could be ‘a great singer ahjussi.’” Jungyeop faced Woohyun again and grinned proudly. “My son was born to do this.”

“And now I am,” Woohyun said, grinning in return.

“And now you are.”

---

After their two guests (and their entourage) left, Jungyeop had his own announcement to make. Fumbling clumsily, he handed a packet of papers to Woohyun. The old man was nervous, which made Woohyun nervous in turn. What exactly did these papers say? Woohyun was too afraid to read, and so he just asked, “What is it?”

“When you were 12, I filled these out,” Jungyeop said with an uneasy smile. “I know that I should’ve told you about them years ago, but I didn’t want you to be angry…”

“Dad,” Woohyun interrupted the other’s ramblings. “What is it?”

“Adoption papers,” Jungyeop revealed. “I adopted you years ago.”

“Why?” Woohyun’s voice cracked. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I didn’t...I didn’t want to force you to see me as a father” Jungyeop stammered. “I wanted you to do it on your own. I accepted you as my son, and so I wanted you to accept me as your dad.”

“That’s...that’s so...so dumb!” Woohyun cried. Tears fell down his cheeks, but he was laughing through them. “You should’ve told me! It’s so stupid!” Sure, Woohyun spent most of his teen years angry and resentful, but he wouldn’t have resented that. He would’ve loved it. All he wanted in life was to know that someone cared. And his stupid father did care, but he was too shy to show it.

“Yea, it’s stupid,” Jungyeop agreed, crying along with his son. “I’m so stupid.”

Woohyun might’ve had the shiest, stupidest father on the planet, but Jungyeop was still his and he loved him in spite of that.

---

“Woohyunnie,” Jungyeop called out to his son. It was a few nights later, and the children were already in bed, leaving the adults by themselves in the kitchen. Usually, they would spend this time cleaning up and talking, reminiscing about the past. And talking about the past didn’t leave such a bitter taste in his mouth as it used to. He was seeing past events in a different way, through a more mature perspective. And it was all of those moments that led him to where he was. It had all turned out okay.

But tonight Woohyun felt gloomy. He was going to return to Seoul the next day, and maybe he was already becoming nostalgic about his time here, or dreading going back and facing things. And that was probably the reason why Jungyeop asked, “Woohyunnie, is everything alright?”

“Yea,” the younger answered, picking his head up from off the table. “Why?”

“You just seem...off,” Jungyeop concluded as he turned around and leaned against the countertop across from the table. “Are you hurt anywhere? Is your throat still giving you problems?”

Woohyun bit his lip and thought for a second before replying, “No, I’m fine.”

Jungyeop quirked an eyebrow, questioning his son, but he bought the lie anyway. “Okay,” he yielded and returned to washing the dishes.
Woohyun watched the back of his father. It heaved as the old man sighed. There was something wrong with Woohyun and it was obvious. Not being honest with each other, not sharing their feelings, was what caused a rift between Woohyun and Jungyeop. But if Woohyun admitted to everything, he was afraid that he was going to lose the father that he just learned he had. “Actually there is something. But…” he started, but his voice died out. And he thought it would be easier with Jungyeop’s back turned to him, but it wasn’t. It seemed like a bad omen instead.

Jungyeop craned his neck back to look at the other. “Is it about that guy you’ve been hanging out with?” he asked. Woohyun perked up and mentally went through a list of people that Jungyeop knew: Sungjong, Sungmin, his uncle, Dongwoo, Heechul …“Sunggyu?”

Never once had Woohyun mentioned Sunggyu to him. “How do you know him?”

Jungyeop smiled knowingly. “My sister and I talk, you know,” he revealed.

“About him?” Woohyun shot back, trying to recall everything he’d said about him.

“About you,” his father replied. “And about what you and him...might be...doing,” he stumbled through that, treading around the matter delicately. Woohyun was speechless. He knows. Woohyun’s eyes darted all over the elder, looking for any hint, any sign. And they settled on the worried frown on Jungyeop’s face. “I’m concerned, Hyunnie.”

“Why?” Woohyun felt a fire growing in him. “Because I’m—”

“Pbft,” Jungyeop sputtered into a roaring laughter. He dropped a bowl onto the floor as he clutched at his sides.

Woohyun watched incredulously. This wasn’t the reaction that he was expecting. “What’s so funny?”

Jungyeop struggled to pull himself together and stand up straight. Taking in a deep breath, he replied, “I know we both promised to never talk about it, but remember that one time, I caught you with—”

Now Woohyun cut off the other, not wanting to reminisce on that particular (and particularly embarrassing) memory, “Okay okay okay. I get it.”

“I know you,” Jungyeop spoke quietly, bending down to pick up the bowl from the floor. He groaned as he got back up. “Better than you think. I know you.” He grinned. “I’m the closest thing you have to a father.”

“You are my dad,” Woohyun corrected him. After all, Jungyeop had the papers to prove it (and the heart that accepted Woohyun unconditionally).

“That,” Jungyeop whispered with shy grin. “I still can’t get used to hearing it. Say it again,” he demanded.

“Eh, don’t abuse it. It’s a privilege...dad,” Woohyun teased the other, and Jungyeop actually giggled at it. The old man must’ve really liked it. But Woohyun was then immediately reminded of what the man didn’t like, and redirected the conversation back, “What are you concerned about then?”

“Mostly, I’m concerned because I don’t know him,” Jungyeop confessed. “Also you’re gloomy because of him, and it concerns me.”

Woohyun hung his head. “That...that’s not entirely his fault,” he mumbled under his breath. “I messed up. I should’ve…”

Woohyun’s voice must’ve been too small for his father to hear because Jungyeop continued his grievances, “And I get the feeling that he’s older than you.”

“Not by much,” Woohyun quickly retorted, trying to gloss over the issue.

But Jungyeop didn’t give in this time. He narrowed his eyes on his son. “How much?” he demanded an answer.

“Only 12 years.”

“Only?!” his father exclaimed in disbelief. Dishes and utensils clanked around in the sink as Jungyeop lost his grip on them. Instead, the old man opted to grip the sink now, hanging his head. “,” he muttered below his breath, and a couple of other things that Woohyun couldn’t quite hear. So Woohyun got up from the table, walked over, and carefully placed his hand on the other’s hunched back. As soon as he did so, the back started shaking. Jungyeop was laughing again. “Only 12, ha! You’ve always been bad at math,” he teased and pulled himself together. He faced his son and sternly said, “Woohyun, there’s a big difference between someone who is 20 and someone who is 32.”

Woohyun sighed and gave a half smile. “I know. I can feel it, trust me,” he confessed. He thought that the between him and Sunggyu was growing smaller, becoming surmountable, but now it seemed like the chasm ripped wider and was growing. “Don’t worry. It’s not like he’s taking advantage of me,” he assured his father, patting him on the back. “Lately, he’s been treating me like a son.”

“Oh thank God,” Jungyeop muttered in relief. Woohyun pouted and dropped his hands to his side. Jungyeop noticed his disappointment and smirked. “I mean...geez, that’s tough, son.”

His father’s feigned condolences that night did nothing to lighten Woohyun’s mood. If anything, his mood worsened because Woohyun’s mind was invaded by the notion that things just might be better this way, with him and Sunggyu just being friends. It’s not what he wanted of course. But he had to acknowledge that what we want isn’t always good for us. And that led to a fitful night of sleep.

However, what Jungyeop said to him before Woohyun left for Seoul, helped him to regain some of his fighting spirit: “Good luck, son. With everything. I’m proud of you no matter what. Just give it your best shot. Oh, and next time you come, bring your friend with you.”

“Dongwoo?”

“Yea, you can bring him too.”

---

Woohyun: Hey hyung! I’m back in town. Want to get dinner?

Gyu-hyung: I already ate. Sorry.

Woohyun: What about tomorrow night?

Woohyun: I can leave practice for a bit. I could use the break.

Woohyun: Especially from Heechul

Gyu-hyung: No. You need to practice.

Gyu-hyung: The finals are coming up in a few weeks.

Gyu-hyung: You can’t slack off.

(fifteen minutes later)

Gyu-hyung: Let’s meet again after you win.

Woohyun stared at his phone rereading that message over and over again. Wasn’t this the same man who acted disappointed that they’d be separated over the holiday? And now, when they could finally meet again, Sunggyu pulled back. Sure, he had a point. Woohyun needed to focus. He didn’t need distractions. But to him, Sunggyu wasn’t a distraction; he was encouragement.

But how could Woohyun get that through the elder’s thick skull? He couldn’t.

Woohyun: Okay.

---

As it would turn out, when Sunggyu wrote “Let’s meet again after you win,” he really meant “Let’s talk again after you win.” Or at least it seemed that way. Woohyun didn’t receive any late night calls or messages from the elder. And whenever Woohyun would try to initiate the conversation, Sunggyu would cut it short, telling him to return to practice. He would keep saying “fighting!” until Woohyun finally gave in. Sunggyu was acting friendly, normal, but in the end, that’s all it was, just an act.

Something was off. It was just a simple misunderstanding anymore, or maybe it wasn’t all along. Something was off, and it was throwing Woohyun off from his game. He couldn’t concentrate. He lost his focus. He even let Heechul pick his song for the week because Woohyun’s mind was blank, empty.

And while Sunggyu wasn’t willing to talk with him, someone was. After Woohyun fumbled through another rehearsal, his voicing giving out at the high note, he slumped onto the floor, allowing himself a break to gather his nerves. At that time, Dongwoo came in.

Woohyun automatically began getting up from his spot on the floor. Heechul made it a recent policy that they should keep their performances a secret from one another, probably to instill a competitive spirit in the both of them and to make them see each other as rivals and not teammates. And it worked. Things grew tense between the two friends over the past week.

“I’m taking a break, so you can have the room,” Woohyun announced.

Dongwoo shook his head and waved his hand. “No, I’m actually here to see you,” he revealed.

“Why?”

Dongwoo grinned. “Because I miss you.”

---

The two passed a few hours with their backs against the red walls of the practice room, talking about anything (but the competition) and everything. They even had chicken delivered as a late night snack, bringing the only pause to their conversation. But it was while Woohyun was cleaning off the last wing, when Dongwoo tried to pick the conversation back up, “Are you okay?”

“I’m tired, but who isn’t at this point?” Woohyun remarked and swallowed. “You look like you’re about to fall asleep.”

And it was true. Now with a full stomach, Dongwoo’s eyes were drooping. His body was sprawled out on the floor. But he blinked back the oncoming sleep and waved his hand. “No, I’m not,” he lied.

Woohyun chuckled and patted the other heartedly on the back. “Really? You’re not tired?” he challenged.

“Ow!” Dongwoo yelped through a giggle. “Okay, I am, but I still need to practice.”

“Yea, we should probably get back to work,” Woohyun mumbled lowly. The mood in the room suddenly went down.

Dongwoo rolled onto his back and looked up at his friend. “But are you okay?” he asked again.

“I’m fine,” Woohyun insisted, rubbing his eyes. “Just tired.” Tired of everything , he thought, staring at his silent phone.

“You seem distracted,” Dongwoo pointed out. “Look! Even now!” he exclaimed, pointing his finger in the other’s face. “Where are you looking?” He craned his neck, following where Woohyun’s gaze drifted. “Your phone? Are you expecting a call?”

Woohyun looked back down at his friend and gave a small smile. “More like hoping for one,” he admitted.

“Call ‘em,” Dongwoo mumbled as he batted at the other.

Woohyun laughed and shook his head. “I can’t,” he responded. “He doesn’t answer, doesn’t want to distract me.”

“Then go,” Dongwoo said, waving his hand. “Go and talk to ‘em in person.”

“No, no,” Woohyun quickly denied. He didn’t need a door shut in his face too.

“Look,” Dongwoo muttered as he sat up so he could look at the other in the eye. “Your friend doesn’t want to be a distraction, but it’s distracting you even more. Go deal with ‘em so you can deal with this.”

“You know, you’re a smart guy,” Woohyun praised as he sat up and began gathering his things. He then shot a suspicious look over at the other. “Or are you doing this so you can have the practice room to yourself?” he joked.

“Both,” Dongwoo confessed. “I’m a really smart guy.”

---

“What are you doing here?”

“Good to see you too, hyung,” Woohyun signed. Sunggyu had opened up the door looking completely startled. The singer was probably the last person that he’d expected knocking on his door in the middle of the night. “Can I come in?”

“Sure,” Sunggyu mumbled as he stepped aside and let the younger in. Woohyun was a little surprised by how easy it was, but he wasn’t letting his guard down just yet. He rushed over to the couch, sprawling out as he usually did and took off his coat, bag, and shoes. So even if Sunggyu were to kick him out soon, it would take awhile for Woohyun to get ready.

Sunggyu followed in the footsteps of the over and signed, “You want something to drink?” Woohyun nodded. Apparently the elder wanted him to linger around a bit longer as well. What’s going on? Woohyun watched with careful eyes as the other disappeared into the kitchen.

Sunggyu came back from the kitchen soon, putting a mug of tea in Woohyun’s hands. “It’s good for your throat,” he signed.

“Thank you,” Woohyun muttered as he accepted the mug. His gaze fell down as he smelled the herbal tea, trying to figure out what it was. But there was a pat on his shoulder, pulling his attention back to the man still standing in front of him.

“I have to work in the chatroom,” he signed. “Feel free to watch the television.” And with that, Sunggyu turned, walked over to his desk, and sat at the computer. His fingers immediately flew to the keyboard, pecking at the keys while he worked.

Woohyun scoffed. “Do you think I’m here just to watch television?” he sneered at the other’s back. He looked back down at the mug in his hands. He gripped it tightly. “Why do you think I’m here, idiot?” He sighed. “Why am I here?” His gaze dropped from the mug to his phone on the coffee table.

Sunggyu was being incredibly frustrating lately, but in spite of that, Woohyun’s feelings for him hadn’t changed (which was incredible in itself). I must really love the idiot.

Woohyun picked up his phone from the table and began typing.

nwh91: How do you know when you're in love? Because I think I love you.

answerking12: You're not.

After reading the message, Woohyun threw his phone onto the couch and marched over to the elder, whose back was still turned against him. Woohyun grabbed him by the shoulder and forced Sunggyu to face him. “Who are you to say whether I love you or not! It's for me to decide,” Woohyun yelled and signed, getting his message across no matter what. Sunggyu couldn’t avoid him anymore.

“You asked me a question, and I answered it,” Sunggyu finally spoke for the first time since Woohyun arrived. His voice was weak and shaking (he hadn’t been using it), but still stern. “You love me, Woohyun, but you're not in love with me. I'm just the father figure you've never had. What you feel isn't romantic love, it's filial.”

“Bull,” Woohyun sneered, glaring down at the other. Sunggyu just stared up at him, blinking, completely stoic. “I already have a dad. I have an uncle too. I don’t need you to be that for me. Do you really think that I’m latching onto you because of that?” he signed. Sunggyu shrugged, but he pursed his lips. There’s something there . “Then what about you? Do you see me as a son?”

“No.”

“Then how?”

Sunggyu scoffed and faced the computer again, searching for anyone else to talk to. “You really need to stop asking questions. It's irritating,” he muttered.

“Seriously?” Woohyun muttered under his breath like a curse. He tapped the other on the other, and Sunggyu did look over at him, out of the corner of his eye. “When I wrote that, it wasn't a question. It was a confession. I love you, hyung. And I‘m maybe just 20 years old, but I know what love feels like. Before you said that I needed to try to get what I want. I want you, hyung. And I'm trying.”

While he was talking, Sunggyu gradually turned to face him. His mouth grew slack and his eyes wide. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe a word Woohyun was saying. It was written all over his face. “What do you want me for? I'm old and deaf. Go play with someone your own age,” he argued, but his tone lost its bite.

Woohyun was going to have to convince him. With one hand, he gripped an arm of the desk chair tightly. With the other, he grabbed the elder’s chin and tilted it upwards. Woohyun then leaned down, kissing Sunggyu softly.

When he pulled back, Sunggyu had that stoic expression on his face again. He was calm and unfazed, like nothing had happened. But he was also unmoving. He even didn’t even stop Woohyun from running his thumb over his lips, still holding onto his chin. Woohyun could probably kiss him again, if he wanted. He cocked his head, contemplating doing so. But then he saw it. A flinch that wracked through Sunggyu’s body, tensing him up. His fists clenched. His gaze dropped from the younger’s eyes to his lips. His own lips parted, a soft breath glancing against Woohyun’s thumb. Woohyun finally broke him. “I want you, Sunggyu. Only you.”

Thud.

The desk chair fell back onto the floor. Sunggyu was now standing up, both hands latched to Woohyun’s cheeks, his lips on the other’s, moving, finally moving. Woohyun brought his hands up, wrapping them around the other’s waist, before angling his head to kiss the other back. They both of them were finally in synch.

But the kiss ended shortly after that. Sunggyu pulled back, and all of the hardness in his face had crumbled away, leaving only softness behind. He dropped his hands from the other’s face, and Woohyun automatically dropped his hands too, letting the elder to step back.

“Hyung, do you…”

Sunggyu chuckled, gazing at the other’s surprised expression. “What do you think?”

Woohyun narrowed his eyes. “But before…” the voice died in his throat as soon as he caught sight of it out of the corner of his eye. Sunggyu had made a sign, letting his hands say the words that he couldn’t say. But the elder hid it away as soon as Woohyun began speaking again.

However, Woohyun wasn’t about to ignore it. He stepped closer to the other and grabbed Sunggyu’s hand, forcing it back into the sign he’d seen earlier. And just like with the kiss, Sunggyu let him. Woohyun ran his hand over the sign tenderly, I love you . “You...you love me?” he muttered under his breath. He let go of the other’s hand and raised his head. “Why didn’t you say so? Why did you try to push me away?” he signed.

“I just,” he began signing, but then paused, searching for the right way to phrase this. He pursed his lips and his eyes gazed upwards. “I didn’t think that I could have you,” he explained. “I never thought that you’d even be attracted to me.” He looked back down to see Woohyun’s reaction.

“How could I not, hyung?” Woohyun responded with a broad smile growing on his face.

Sunggyu must’ve thought that the younger was teasing him (as usual). He pouted. “Please. Don’t kid with me,” he signed.

Woohyun shook his head, but the smile wouldn’t die away. “I’m not. It’s the truth. I’m very attracted to you,” he reiterated.

That notion somehow wheedled its way through Sunggyu’s thick skull. He smiled shyly and waved his hand, but not arguing or fighting anymore. He finally accepted it, Woohyun’s heart.

But then he perked up, eyes wide in surprise again. “That song the other week,” he signed, mouthing the words. “With the signing and the coffee...was that?”

Woohyun chuckled. “A confession? Yea, it was,” he replied. Then his grin turned down, frowning at the memory of what happened after his stage. He hoped that Sunggyu could now grasp how hurt he was at that time. “But you thought I was using you to win votes.”

“I just never thought…” he quickly signed, but his hands fell back down. Sunggyu couldn’t speak with his words or hands now. He was speechless, and sorry. His eyes were apologetic as they looked the younger up and down. He shrugged helplessly as he took a half-step closer. “I never thought we could be together,” he signed, raising his hands higher and higher. Then he ran one of his hands through Woohyun’s hair and spoke once again, voice as soft as his touch, “Like this.”

Woohyun leaned into the touch. “To be honest, neither did I,” he said. They had a lot of barriers between them: age, disability, and (the greatest one) Sunggyu’s stubbornness. But Woohyun had scrambled over every single one. He conquered them (and he was sure that Sunggyu did the same in turn). And now, here they were, standing face to face.

Before kissing Woohyun again, Sunggyu whispered, “I’m glad we did.”

---

Later, the two of them were on the couch. Sunggyu’s shift in the chatroom had come to an end, and when it did, he came over to sit next to the younger (whom, shortly after the kiss, Sunggyu had pushed towards the couch because he still had to finish working). Woohyun had watched and waited for the elder to be done. God, he was sick of waiting. And so when Sunggyu sat down, Woohyun slid over next to him and rest his head on his shoulder.

Sunggyu didn’t push him away, which was surprising considering that it was late and they should both be in bed by now. He wrapped his arm around the younger and began running his fingers through his hair. Sunggyu wasn’t quite ready to call it a night either. Woohyun was afraid to leave and come back to the elder with a changed mind. But why was Sunggyu stalling? Was he afraid of the same thing? Woohyun felt the other’s lips press lightly on his head. Slowly, Woohyun raised his head, trying to read Sunggyu’s mind through his eyes. He got nothing. Sunggyu’s eyes were too damn small.

And so Woohyun did what he did best: push his luck. “Now how many boyfriends have you had really?” he asked (this question had been nagging him while he was waiting). Sunggyu scoffed and rolled his eyes. “What? Your love life is my love life now. It’s my concern too.”

“Right now, all that matters is one. You,” Sunggyu answered, even tapping the end of Woohyun’s nose.

“No, no, no. That’s not an answer,” Woohyun yelled, batting away the elder’s hand. “And I won’t be distracted,” he signed.

“Ah! Nam Woohyun!” Sunggyu shouted, closing his eyes tightly. “Can’t you just leave it alone? How many have you dated?” he turned the question around and began poking the other. “Hm? How many?”

Woohyun held up the number on his hands. “9?!” Sunggyu exclaimed. Woohyun nodded. “How is that possible? I’ve only dated 4 people.”

“So it’s 4,” Woohyun muttered in response. “Ah, I see.”

“You tricked me.”

“Eung,” Woohyun nodded shamelessly. “But now I guess it’s 5, right hyung? Plus me.”

Sunggyu shoved him away. “Don’t count yourself as one just yet, punk,” he signed angrily. “So 9, huh?”

“9,” Woohyun spoke, holding up the number again with his hands. But he kept putting down one finger after another. “...minus 8.”

“One?”

“Eung. You’re the only one,” he said with a laugh, tapping the elder’s nose with his last finger.

Sunggyu’s frown deepened. “I don’t believe you.”

“Why? It’s the truth!” Woohyun insisted, but he could stop the laughter from shaking through his body. The way Sunggyu was looking at him was just funny (and cute).

“You’re spouting nonsense. It’s time for you to go to bed,” Sunggyu signed and then tried to get up from the couch.

But Woohyun pulled him back down and laid his head in the elder’s lap. “Okay. Night.” He closed his eyes and feigned sleep.

“Not like this,” Sunggyu chided, shaking the other gently. “In your own home.”

“Okay,” Woohyun gave in as he rolled off the elder’s lap and off of the couch. He got up onto his feet and signed to the elder, “I have to wake up soon for practice anyway.”

Sunggyu stood up too, looking worried again. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, following the younger to the door.

“Because…” Woohyun then turned, facing the other, and walked backwards. “You would’ve made me leave earlier.”

“I don’t know whether I should be touched or think that you’re being irresponsible,” Sunggyu retorted as he opened the door.

“I like the first option better,” Woohyun picked. He then leaned forward and pecked the elder on the cheek. “Night, hyung.”

“Good night, Hyunnie,” he spoke through a yawn while waving at the younger, oh so casually making the ‘I love you’ sign with his hand again.

Woohyun chuckled and waited for the other to open his tired eyes before responding again, “Me too.”