*So here it is... it's not yet the end, so enjoy. I feel unpredictable these days...

Window Cracks part 3

October 5, 2014

One person told me one idea he believes in, that life gives someone what he needs to receive, to experience, to undergo, even if it’s mostly hardships and phase of struggles, you need to accept it all. That at the end of the day, coming out of the river’s rapids is much more memorable rather than walking through still waters unharmed. It is much sweeter. Much… a stronger lever once you stand up after slipping. And it hurts so bad… ‘cause I want to hold on to those words… but I just can’t.

And I can’t even remember his face, his voice is even unclear, yet I don’t know why I’m so sure it’s a him.

I’m guessing it’s the musky scent that lingered on my nose, and I feel like I’ll know him once I see him.

On second thought… I didn’t even use his advice.

I simply run away from the world….

I just try to escape...

It feels like it’s not me.

Slowly, he walks through the cobbled streets, moving away from cracks if he sees one on his path. It makes him uncomfortable for reasons he couldn’t define. It was simply within him. Whether it was the after effect of the long drizzle, or the stars hiding on unknown horizons, he felt unsafe. Unsure.

When he flexed his neck on one side to subtly massage the muscles strained due to a series of sleepless nights and unsounded chest pains, a small puddle of water caught his sight.

With all the blaring lights of the busy night life in the city, the sweet talks of couples, heated arguments between elders, attracting screams of vendors, and quirky dance music coming from one of the clothing shops at the area, a little puddle of muck water simply didn’t belong there.

Like me.

I’m just nobody.

After a quick peek at his reflection, that always looks hollow, though it seems to be dimmer this time, he continued walking, to wherever his feet take him. Gravity seems to mock him. He felt his feet to be heavier, that he needs to drag them to follow his thoughts. Thoughts of his real life, his past and wherever he really belongs to always bothered him, it always take over his mind and results into a fit of migraine.

This time, it’s still the same.

The images of pictures of their travel and the ripped letter occupied him, jumbling his train of thoughts into chaos, that he didn’t notice a speeding car about to trample him.

The honking sounds pulled him back into reality, but after noticing the blaring headlights, he didn’t care if it’ll hit him and if he’ll end up forgotten. He wonders mostly if he’ll just be a never-ending wandering soul. Always lost and without a final destination.

As he closed his eyes, a warm smile filled his mind, and to him, it doesn’t make sense that he finds comfort in it.

His thoughts of dying were cut-off when strong arms gripped him strongly and pulled him away from danger. He doesn’t want to be thankful to this man for saving his life, he doesn’t want to owe somebody something, especially when it’s his life on the line that we’re talking about.

He slowly opened his heavy eyelids and felt ripped. Disappointed.

And it confused him, whether he’s feeling the anger seep in deeper because he was still breathing and his idea of dying is much, much better, or because where his gaze landed where not those dark brown orbs that always resembles little balls of sunshine and gives him warmth, but that of a stranger. It was pretty pair of rich brown eyes, with droopy eyelids that make him look sleepy, but he managed to pull the look well and be striking.

‘’Are you alright?”

He forcefully yanked away from the hold of the taller guy, and hastened his pace, even though he’s not even sure where his real destination is. He knows, he just to go away and solve his own problems at the moment.

‘’Hey mister!”

I’m not hearing anything. Blah-blah-blah.

When he heard no more calls from the stranger, he looked behind his back and to his relief, there was no one following him. After walking more for some time and feeling the slow drizzle not coming into a halt, but rather getting thicker, he entered a not that known café stucked between an unnoticed antique shop on the right and a shoe store on the left.

He was quite shocked when his eyes caught the sight of a pretty drenched man coming in, minutes after he has settled in one corner of the spacious shop. But before he could move out of his seat to change into one of those in the dimly lighted spot, the familiar guy has already scooted closer to his point.

His eyes went larger than usual (though it has always been that of a deer, it can turn into eyes of a giant squid, fine, just kidding) and a giggle sprang from the man’s lips, his eyes crinkling and a single dimple marks his right cheek, making him look adorable in a flash.

“I guess this is yours.”

Jinwoo’s gaze landed from the other guy’s face,to his hand laid in fron of him, holding a black leather wallet that has dirt marks on it. When the man noticed it, he quickly flinched and hastily cleaned the item using his own white handkerchief. This just made the doe-eyed male feel more embarrassed, thus he pulled his wallet immediately, making the other guy almost stumble from the spot.

“I’m sorry!”

“Nah, it’s fine. I believe I just look like a creep following you until here, but I think you need that. I’m going now, have a nice day, even though it’s raining outside.”

A stifled laughter escaped from his mouth after noticing the expression of Jinwoo change from shock, to mere confusion, his brows scrunching cutely (well, that’s his own perspective, so let’s just stick with his opinion because I can’t agree more). He bowed hurriedly and slipped out the café, but Jinwoo’s attention was speedily pulled by the sound of the tapping of raindrops at the sidewalk.

***

A loud, but slow-paced knock pulled him out of dreamland, and despite of his disheveled hair and clothes crinkled from the long sleep, he still walked straight towards the door to give some breakfast of cuss and scowl fresh from hell, because what’s with the early knocking at your neighbors door?

“What the-“

“Hello! I’m your new- oh wow! You’re the one who-”

“Lost his wallet but a good Samaritan helped me and that’s you, no need to reiterate, bye.”

Before he could return to the sanctuary within the home that is his bed, another knock was heard, and before he could let out the fume of irritation, he quickly walked to the door, pillow in one hand, and opened the door with the goal of pushing the new (not needed) neighbor. Yet, before he could do his plan (of exterminating an innocent one) he immediately stopped by a plastic bag where a pleasing aroma is coming from (because who can hate free food?).

“I’ve thought about… saying hi to my new neighbors, it just…. Happened that I chose to visit here first, so…. Let’s eat breakfast together?”

Though he received no answer, Jinwoo grabbing his ‘gift’ signifies that he can come in, but the doe-eyed boy’s left brow that rose tells him to put the words I-should-not-ruin-anything to heart.

“By the way, pillow is not a deadly weapon, if that’s the reason why you’re holding that earlier.”

“That’s not true, I can use it to suffocate you. Then you’ll be dead in less than 10 minutes.”

His ears perked up from what he heard, and his smiling sweetly expression changed into a confused (adorable) one.

“You won’t… do that… right?”

If you’re not that innocent-looking, I would’ve punched you.

“I won’t. As long as you stay there and don’t move. And don’t touch anything. And leave me with this food alone.”

“Okay.”

“Wait, why aren’t you fighting back? Get angry with me!”

“There’s no reason to be angry. I find it wrong to bring harm to other people, and I think you’re a good guy too.”

“Yeah right, saying that with conviction as if you’re a saint and you know me well. I’m warning you in advance, I’m one of those persons you wouldn’t mind hating so much”

The only sound heard after were the munching of fried rice and steady breathing of his visitor who kept on watching Jinwoo’s every movement.

“Do you believe in unicorns?’’

His sudden question made Jinwoo cough all of a sudden; rice flew from his mouth and he immediately grabbed the box of milk that came with the free breakfast.

“Are you high? Drunk? Or are you simply crazy?”

“None of what you said. It’s just me, trying to say that, if I decided that I want  to believe in something, I don’t ask for proofs to show that it’s real; I just follow what I feel, even if I’m the only person left who believes in that one thing.”

Silence filled the air; Jinwoo expect his self to lash out on the taller male, yet he can’t. Unexpectedly, he felt no awkwardness at all. If he find Mino to be a ball of fuzzy energy, this guy standing in front of him gives off an aura of calmness, like what  he feels when watching the falling leaves of autumn. He couldn’t quite grasp what was happening, but he felt warm inside.

“Oh, it’s almost 8am already, I’m running late for work. I’ll get going now. I guess you’re not feeling well, if its fine with you, I’ll be back later in the evening so I can make tea for you. I have one I learned from my grandmother, and it’s really effective in…” his ramblings died down when Jinwoo pointed towards the direction of the wall clock, making the other guy flinch in place when he realized the scolding he’ll receive from his boss for his tardiness.

“Oh, right! Thank you for your time! I’ll really go now this time. See you later!”

“Wait! Who told you that you can come here anytime you want?!”

“You really need to drink tea, it’ll calm you. Bye!”

And with those words the door was closed.

***

I really need to go out or I’ll really go crazy.

After grabbing his coat and securing the lock of his apartment’s door, he immediately walked off towards any path his feet would take him again. His talk with the new guy was the second time he felt appreciated, and the same feeling made him hate them both. His thoughts were cut off when he heard a familiar voice calling for him.

“Hey Jinwoo! I’ve really missed you!”

Before he could run for his life, he was tackled in a bear hug (well, more of like a cat hug, due to the girl’s feline eyes and sharp neon claws, er, nails). His hair was ruffled by the ‘predator’s’ hand, but he did not even try to pull his self out. Well, it is the forever fierce Chaerin in front of him, so, no room for fighting.

“You got the wrong address. Dara noona’s apartment is right over there, at the end of this hall, and you can go there now.”

“Hey, why are you pushing me away huh? Not so fast. You need to come with us this time.”

“No, I won’t come with you. That would obviously be a girl’s day out so why would I stick? Wait, are you going to make me your slave for the day because you can’t find anything to bribe me just to make me cross dress? That’s it right!”

A loud smack was heard, crashing the light bulb above Jinwoo’s head.

“That hurts!”

“You’re too paranoid. Ask no more and you can assure that you won’t get another hit from me. Are we clear?”

Why is life so harsh to me these days?

***

I knew it; coming with them was a really bad idea.

“How nice, I’ve been looking for you in a few days now just to get some answer with what’s boggling me, and without even trying this morning, I ended up trapped here, in this room that looks like it’ll collapse anytime soon, with you.”

“I’m sorry. Minzy has been a long-time friend of mine, and it just happened that I’ve shared about us, I mean, what used to be us, because I trust her. And I didn’t expect her closest friends to be connected to you in some way, and that they will make a plan to make us talk this over.”

“Yeah right, what a small world it is. I’ve proven it, you’re all aliens, and I’m the only one human left.”

If silence could kill, it would have already consumed them up to the bones.

“You know what? I hate you! I hate you so much! I don’t need to tell you a reason why!”

“Right, go hate me. I deserve that.”

“Are you really a masochist! Why won’t you fight me! Answer back! Defend yourself! Or I won’t stop hurting you! You’re a damn idiot who thinks he cares a lot so he wouldn’t spill a single bean, but the truth is he’s just afraid for his own good! Are you still not hurt!?”

“You know what hurts me more? It’s that you’re in pain but the one you truly need is not here to console you. You’re crying over someone that can’t be by your side anymore. All those pictures? You’re smiling in every one because he’s there with you. And that letter? I was the one who ripped that. That box of yours was a gift of my brother months ago. That was left by my twin brother, to compensate for the pain he gave you. But I know that were not enough.”

With all the ramblings he’s currently listening, he felt as if his brain is about to blow due to information overload. He just found out that he’s been in a relationship with the twin brother of the person he thought was the reason of the pang in his chest.

He felt wobbly, and that he can’t think straight at the moment, but he kept on listening. He put one hand on the wall to balance his self.

“You know what my biggest mistake is? I already have you within my arms but I had you stay with my brother because he’s gravely sick, and you were like a cure to him, the greatest gift I could give him at the moment was your time. We both fell so hard for you, and I knew he just let me continue with what I fell for you because he knew he’s going to leave soon. And, we were so sure of what’s with us, that though I do fear each time you travelled alone with him to far-away places, I didn’t follow and just let him be.  I was so wrong, I forgot that he’s the one that caught your attention first. I was always hidden behind his shadow, and him having brain tumor and always locked up within the confinements of the hospital didn’t even change a damn thing.”

Jinwoo felt hot tears grazing his cheeks. Being succumbed by confusion and his heart wrenched by every words coming out from the younger guy’s mouth, he took a step forward and reach out his free hand to wipe the tears cascading like waterfall from Minho’s now puffy eyes from crying too much.

But the man he wants to comfort took a step backward, a sign that he won’t accept Jinwoo’s touch or any soothing gestures from the older one, in fear of wanting more and not letting go anymore.

He knows in his self that every day that the doe-eyed boy gets nearer his reach, a wide chasm was also growing between them, and he doesn’t want to amplify the crack anymore.

“Now you understand why I don’t want you to know anything from your past. Why can’t I speak a single word that moment you have allowed me to let you hear what’s in my mind. I don’t want to further hurt you. You were better without us in your life.”

“But I want to remember! I need to know my past. I don’t want to be a hollowman anymore who lets the wind push him anywhere without the road to take. I want a life of my own, one that will give me reason to breathe, to live, to appreciate every little detail around. I just want to experience happiness for once!”

“And I can’t give you that! Don’t you get it Jinwoo hyung?! I was the one who’ve given you like a thing that can be simply passed from one person to another. And those moments that you shared with him, those were the times I saw real bliss in you. No pretentions, no fear. It’s simply the carefree and innocent Jinwoo I thought I lost. You’ve never given me those kind of smile hyung. You never did. Then I realized, maybe you just fell with the idea of being inlove with me, not because you actually felt like entrusting me your whole life.”

“We….maybe we could… maybe you could help me… start all over again.”

“No hyung, I’ve thought about it over and over again. You can’t remember a thing, and once you regain those memories, where would that place us? It was a foolish thing I did, yes, talking to you on that tour and making myself believe that we can have another chance, that everything will end up well, but it simply can’t.”

“Its-”

“You were willing to give up your life for him hyung! You almost died saving my twin brother from those enemies of our family, and that was the day that changed it all. You were knocked unconciious by a strong hit on your head, and I thought my life would crumble into waste if I lose you. You know he was dying but you took every batter that was supposed to be his, and you didn’t even batter an eyelash to look in my direction to see if I was fine.”

Jinwoo was now cradling his face in his hands, wetting it with tears he now can’t control anymore from gushing out as if there’s no ending to it. His whimpering echoed in every corner of the void room. The gray walls seems to mock him more. It’s still morning, but it’s as if the clouds took all strength to not let its rays seep into the space despite of the wide cracks in the closed window.

“You never loved me, but I can’t help but still love you. Call this obsession or whatever, but I do love you, more than anything else in this world, and in this lifetime.”

He felt his knees buckle, but Mino quickly held him tight, allowing him to cry on the crook of his neck. The younger male’s arms were tight enough to let him stay unyielding, but not too tight that he might feel caged.

It felt familiar, but everything’s still fuzzy, that he can’t let himself remember even a single hidden memory.

This life . Damn this amnesia.

“Jinu hyung… please don’t cry. This is not the right moment, but… I’ll be gone too, soon.”

His breath hitched, and he hurriedly took a peek at the face of the smiling (though it’s obviously a fake one) Mino.

“Sorry about… earlier, I was just ticked off, and there are times I just can’t control my emotions. I need to learn more about anger-management, especially when I’m around someone as fragile as you.”

He loosened his hug and just settled with holding the petite man’s shoulders. No words coming out from both males, the only sound spreading in the room is the sound of their breathing.

It doesn’t feel stuffy despite of being confined in a quite small area. Their eyes tell that they need each other to hold on at the moment; that they can be the anchor of each other. The only difference is that, Mino’s holding on to him deeper than the other.

“For how long?”

To his surprise, he sounded eager to know Mino’s answer that he felt his cheeks flush from embarrassment.

“Well… I’m not sure. I’ve agreed to study a business course and follow my father’s footsteps, knowing that I’m the only one left to take over the company. I’ll be busy, with all the training and stuff…. You go on with your life hyung. There’s that person out there, maybe he’s still a stranger, but I’m sure you’ll meet him soon. Though I’m not sure whether he could love you more than I do.”

His face breaks into a sly grin, that Jinwoo almost giggled from the younger guys antics. Almost.

But then again, it’s Jinwoo were talking about.

The sound of strong slap resonated on the walls, and this left Mino’s mouth hanging (if it could go wider enough for whole fist to fit in, Jinwoo would think that maybe he really is an alien monkey in disguise of as a sun-kissed male that is attractive enough, but of course the older guy would always deny it).

“What was that for?!’’ he countered while clutching his left cheek now stained with an ugly red mark of Jinwoo’s hand, who is now cross-armed, huffing in obvious irritation.

“After hurting me; I’ll wait for you, idiot.”

“Hey, you’ve also hurt me before, didn’t you? We’re just quits now.”

*So, there's a new guy in Jinwoo's life, who do you think it is? Though I guess you know who it is already, so I'll just ask, do you believe in unicorn guys?

*Swaying while updating... so my brain is not cooperating well too, blame the guitar strummed nicely outside. The only thing I need now is a warm cup of coffee.

*throws confetti to readers*