2013

I flipped the ‘open’ sign to ‘closed’ and sit back on one of the customers’ chair. I take a deep breath and I can smell the amazing and soothing smell of the coffee I just made a minute ago. Then I start looking at my laptop, observing this weeks’ income. Remember Bom and I had some business to start a year ago. Yes, we already opened a restaurant, here in New York. It’s traditional Korean restaurant with a bit of modern touch. The review is good so far, but we still have a lot to improve and need more advertising to get people’s attention, especially the New Yorker because most people who come here are Korean, which I’m not saying it’s bad but still we need to target more.

I have asked all the workers to go home. I told them I’d close up today, there’s nothing to do at home anyway. It’s empty and getting more and more pathetic since Dara’s gotten busier and she just cancelled the weekend trip she promised me a year ago. At some point I have lost interest in her, I mean like, I’m done expecting more things from her. So here I am, just doing my own while she’s out there saving another life.

I already drank half cup of my coffee when my phone rang. My lips are curved instantly as soon as I see her name on the screen, Tiffany.

“Hey.” I say.

“I’m still at the restaurant. Bom’s kid is sick she went home early and here I am, all alone, working-“

“What?” I quickly stand up when she said she’s outside. Unbelievable. I see her standing in front of the entering door, grinning at me. I open the door and she hurriedly gives me a tight hug. “I’ve missed you.” She whimpers.

“I’m surprised. I thought you had a seminar-“

“It got cancelled.” She said as she leans her head on my shoulder. I quickly lock the door and turn off the outside lamp. I don’t want people to see us here. It’s an affair. We’re both married and people in the neighborhood know us. So we sit at the table where I was working at. Usually we’d talk first, asking how our days went and I’d ask her stuffs regarding the restaurant business. But tonight, we just go for it. We haven’t seen each other for two weeks and God I miss her so much. I miss her more than I miss Dara. We’ve been having this affair since last year and I don’t know why I’m still doing it regardless how many times we’ve talked about how we should end this immediately. She just keeps coming back and I also can’t help it. So we just keep meeting up like this.

We spent two hours and then we head home to our own houses. When I get home, something is strange. I see Dara’s car is parked in front of our house. It’s strange because she said she’d be having a long surgery tonight and won’t be getting home at least till dawn. Pyro is barking unstoppably. I can see him through the window, jumping up and down anxiously.

“Hey, buddy. What’s going on? You seem excited, huh? Is mommy home?” I talk to him and pet him a bit. Then I look around the house. It’s so quiet.

“Dara? Are you home?” I shout. I look for her. I check the kitchen, there it is. Her car key on the kitchen table along with the fresh bread she bought. Pyro starts barking again, this time with a higher and demanding tone. I notice something’s probably wrong. I go up and check into our bedroom.

Sobs. All I can hear is the sound of desperately painful sob coming from that skinny figure sitting at the edge of our lovely bed, still in her working attire. Clothes are lying on the floor, dragged forcefully from the open closets. The reading lamp is crooked and broken. The mirror is cracked and our drawers are out of the place, everything is scattered on the floor like there was a burglary. For a second I thought maybe we were robbed and Dara might’ve come home finding our stuffs are gone with a complete mess in our bedroom. But after I take a step closer to her, I see it in her eyes.

Her furious yet disappointed stares. It struck me. I feel like being stabbed a thousand times. I can see how much heartbroken she is and I hate to say that I’m the cause of it. I sigh slowly. She found out, those words keep echoing in my mind and it breaks me.

“I don’t understand, Chaerin. I don’t understand at all.” She murmurs with her cracked and sad voice. She ducks her head as if she could not stand looking at my face any longer.

I’m such an idiot. I’m a stupid irresponsible person. I cheated on her and now I can’t even defend myself. NO. I would show her how low I am if I try to defend myself.

“I thought you agreed. I thought you understood what it takes to be married to me, to have a relationship and a life with me. I thought you-“ she stands up and rush to grab my collars. She clenched on it tightly and she just cries silently. “I’m sorry-“ that’s the only words I can afford to say.

She scoffs and push me back lightly as she looks away from me. I can see her disgusted face and how she still couldn’t fully believe what just happened. She wipes her face and tries to stop those eyes from dropping any more tears. I know she hates it to cry in front of people, even me. I’ve lived with her for years and I rarely see her cry. It kinda hurts to see her cry like this. She wouldn’t cry this much I hadn’t break her heart so badly. My chest suddenly hurts like it never before. I feel like being hit by a train when she takes off that wedding ring out of her finger. She held onto it for seconds and then she just throws it at me. It lands somewhere on the floor in between the wreck.

“You sorry isn’t gonna save our marriage-“ she says in despair. “And in fact, I don’t need your sorry because clearly you’re not denying everything.”

“Dara-“

“Don’t even dare to call my name. I am so disappointed. You are unbelievable, Chaerin! After all these years, I’ve built everything. I’ve built this life with you. I try to make everything perfect for you. I try to make you happy, with all these stuffs, you living in a fancy house in one of the most expensive cities. I just needed you to be supportive and be an adult!”

She yelled and she yelled and she bragged about how she knew something like this would happen because I’m still a child. She talked about how irresponsible and childish and careless I have been these years that somehow she got to take care of things by herself because she couldn’t trust me enough and on and on but despite all the lacks and flaws I had she never thought of cheating or even leaving me.

She sits down quietly on the bed, covering her face with her palms.

“You couldn’t say anything, could you?” she says.

I just sigh. I rest my back on the wall behind me, facing her. “You might’ve given me everything you think I need, Dara. But there are things you can’t give me and it’s not money. You can’t buy time and feelings with money. I needed you. I’ve missed you and you’re never home. I try to impress you at all times but always failed because you don’t think I’m capable of things and that breaks my heart sometimes. I just wanted to have a close person, a person I could share with. I could laugh and have dinner with without any single argument slipped in between our quality time. I love you but-“

She smirks, “Don’t.” she shakes her head lightly and looks at me with disgust and anger, “You don’t wanna say that.”

She stands up and walks closer to me with her chin raised. She’s stopped crying. Now I don’t see despair and disappointment in her eyes. I do