2015

I wake up and feel this unbearable pain on my chest. My eyes are wide open but everything is blurred, and there is this loud buzzing sound in my ears. I just had a very unrealistic dream but I couldn’t figure out if it was a bad or a good dream. Every dream seems pretty much the same to me. Bad or good, both are making me sad.

I must’ve forgotten to close the balcony door last night and fell asleep. The wind is blowing right through my room and it’s very cold, that causes my chest pain. I get up slowly and close the door. I stand by the window and stay for a moment, looking outside. The sun hasn’t risen yet but it’s already in the morning. I go back to the bed and sit. The ashtray on the bedside table is full with cigarettes and joints. I finished a pack of cigarette in one night. My life is miserable. When I look at phone, there are several missed calls. Tiffany is still trying to make up with me. It seems like she’ll never give up. I loved her. I did, once. And I know she loved me too and she wanted to be with me but I just couldn't. I couldn’t betray Dara for the second time by being with Tiffany. Besides, I don’t think I’d like to be in a relationship again after the horrible things that happened to us.

The pain on my chest is getting worse. And I find myself crying like a fool. I don’t think I would stop crying everyday if I’m still living in this house. Whenever I look at something in this house, I remember her. I remember every single thing she would be doing if she were here right now, right in this place, in this bed.

Pyro starts barking needing to go outside and I had to get out of the bed and stop being a crybaby. It’s been a year, a year since she’s gone. These days are going to be so hard to live on and I still have to pretend I’m okay, that I’ve moved on and let everything do. No, I’m not okay. I’m all ed up and depressed. Doctor’s prescription can’t even help anymore, those sessions with doctors and community of people who are in the same situation with me I went aren’t working anymore so I stopped going there for a while.

“Hello?” I picked up the call after a moment of hesitation and fear.

Sanghyun is speaking with his indistinct voice, asking about how I feel and if I already got in the plane or not. I’m still waiting in the waiting area with only a couple of people around, mostly people who seem like travelling for business. I left Pyro with my neighbor’s who also have a small dog who like to hump Pyro even though they’re both males. Pyro looked excited, it makes me more comfortable leaving him.

Going back to Sanghyun. He is Dara’s little brother. He was very protective of her and will do anything to please his sister and he’s also the one who told me about Dara. I know from his voice and the way he stares at me, he hates me. He must think what happened to his sister is my fault and I shall pay for it. But Dara’s mom already thinks of me as her own daughter, she invited me to live in their house back in Korea during my stay to visit her daughter’s grave. I’ve always been feeling weird about this. The fact that she is gone is very odd. One day she was screaming at me, saying how much she loved me and hated me for hurting her and then the next day, the morning I woke up, she’s just gone. I always feel she’s not really gone, even after 2 years I still can’t believe she’s not here anymore. I don’t want to believe it. I still can’t let her go. I miss her and I have no intention to move on.

I arrived safely with a little bit of jetlag and hunger. Sanghyun was waiting for me at the airport to pick me up and drive me to their home. Sanghyun is living with his mom. His dad has died since he was little, leaving them legacy, which is their big house and a couple of lands in the suburban. His mom sold one of the lands in order to pay for Dara’s expensive meds school, she must be proud that all the sacrifice wasn’t wasted for nothing.

We didn’t talk much on the way home. Sanghyun is a quiet man. He’s even more quite after his sister’s death. Not to mention how much he hates me now. Talking to me must feel like a torture.

It took forty-five minutes to get to their family house. It is far from the crowded town, surrounded by pretty garden Dara’s mom took care of. She’s living here with Sanghyun and her orphan niece, Minzy. I know Sanghyun had a crush on Bom in the past, Dara told me. I don’t know what’s going on between them now and really I don’t want to know.

“Chaerin, are you hungry? We cooked chicken soup and your favorite beef roast.” Dara’s mom said. She greeted me with a welcome hug and big smile. She loves me like her own daughter and after Dara’s death I was surprised she didn’t blame or hate me.

Minzy approached me. She also has always been friendly to me, maybe because she’s very close with Dara. They’ve been living together since they were ten years old. As usual she would smile to me with that cute and shy smile, which is very pleasing to see.

“Hi, Chaerin. How you been?” She asked as we entered the guest room, which used to be Dara’s room when she still lived here. I put my luggage on the floor and walked toward the window.

“I cleaned up the room this morning. It was dusty and sad. And I also put aroma therapy on the desk, I thought it’d make you more comfortable and make you fall asleep easier.” Minzy murmured as she closed the door and then she sat on the bedside.

“Thanks, Minzy. I appreciate it. Let’s hope I can fall asleep real quick tonight coz you know, I’ve been having trouble falling asleep lately.”

Minzy smiled, “I know.”

“How’d you know?”

She shrugged and started chuckling, “Um—Dara used to tell me a lot of stories about you, one of those stories she told me about is that you have this worst insomnia when you’re having a hard time, almost like a depression but it’s more like anxiety but you never wanted to go to the doctor to find out what it is.”

I’m amazed of how she knows about it. And I’m even more amazed and surprised to know she did such a nice thing for me even though she knows I’m behind all the suffering Dara had that caused her to death.

“Thank you, really. I don’t know what I should do if you’re not here. I mean, you know Sanghyun hates me. I can’t really talk with him about anything.”

She nodded, “Your welcome. This is what I should do. Dara was my sister and best friend. She loved you. You were her life. And you are a family to us now. I should treat you well, like a family.”

I spend that day mostly in silence. I don’t have anything much to talk about, but it’s more like I’m not in the mood to talk about anything. So all I did was just answering every questions Dara’s mom asked me. It was already awkward for me to be here, in the middle of a grieving family who lost her daughter and I happen to be the person to blame. I cheated on Dara. I hurt her. I was leaving her and yet I’m still welcome in this family. Somehow I feel like it’s unfair.

The next day, we went to the funeral. We prayed. We brought flower and we did what we’re supposed to do. I was the last one to leave the grave. The family waited for me in the car to give me privacy. I cried a little bit. I have been crying so much the days she was gone. I cried not because she has left me forever but it was because I was ashamed. I was ashamed I couldn’t make it right with her before she’s gone. I was guilty. I feel disgusted with myself and I wished I could switch the place with her. I wished I was the one who died, not her. She had so much future to hold. It’s not fair for her. I didn’t deserve someone like her. I should be the one who died.

“One café latte, please.” I told the barista once I’m seated at the coffee bar. I bring my unfinished fiction book and decided to spend time away from Dara’s house today since this is the last day I’m here. I have to go back to New York first thing tomorrow. This coffee shop is not the same place anymore. The owner has changed and all the workers are not the same anymore. It’s more like a brand new café with only the same name. Dara and I used to meet up here a lot. I would wait for her to finish her shift here while doing the same thing, reading a book.

People come and go. I’ve been here since 10AM and lunchtime is over. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t even really concentrate on my reading. I have asked for my latte refill for three times and yet I still refuse to get my up and go. I’m sure the barist