Sandara Park. A gentle light figure who entered my life like a flashlight. She was like a little bird who had been flying around the world for a long time, searching for something, looking for the right tree to live in. She had helped a lot of people all her life. She is blessed and gifted with generosity and many amazing things. She became a sun in people’s life, giving new hopes and encourages them every time she perches on them. And then one day the little bird found an interesting tree, the tree that is already old and abandoned, the lonely tree that is painfully vacant and looking for the light of the sun to be alive again. Then she chose that sad tree to perch on and finally decide to stay there for a long time, making it a new home for her, giving the dying tree a new light so it can grow healthy again and be happy.

I am that sad tree, and she is that little bird. She became my sun. She’s the gentle light that keeps me strong and alive.

Coming out to my parents wasn’t as difficult as I thought it’d be. Turns out my parents are very open-minded and they accept whatever decision I choose. When I told them I might be a little bit gay, they said it wasn’t their call to determine who and what I should love. I was very relieved and I swear I’d never be more grateful to have such amazing parents.

After Bom got married, mom came to me and asked me when I would get a new girlfriend. She is worried that her little girl would forever be heartbroken after what happened to her the last time she fell in love with someone.

I was dating a girl in my college. We entered the history of art class and fell in love with each other. She was kinda like my first love. I’ve never cared for someone so deeply like that and she took all my heart. I thought our love will last long but I was wrong. I wasn’t the only lover she had. She already had a boyfriend, they were in a long distance relationship but she couldn’t help it because she said she fell in love with me and wanted to keep me too. When I asked her to choose between me or her boyfriend, she chose her boyfriend. That shocked me, in fact that shocked my whole family. We were so close. And after that, I’ve never dated someone again, not in a serious way. Mom thinks I’m traumatized and she keeps asking me to date someone again. But it’s not easy. I can’t just simply fall in love with someone so quickly. That was before I met Dara. Falling in love with her was easy.

____________________

2006

“Hey mom.” I greet mom right after she opened her eyes. Her condition is surprisingly better than yesterday. It proved that doctors are not always right. Mom’s doctor said she’s not going to make it to another week but here she is, still breathing and getting better. She smiles at me. I’m a little surprised. She hasn’t been smiling like that for quite a long time. I almost cried out of happiness.

I moved away as Dara came closer to see mom. She’s smiling friendlily at mom and she quickly holds her hand gently. “Hey, Mrs. Lee.” She says.

Mom looks confused. She looks at me frowningly, “Is—um, am I getting a new doctor?” she asks me. I shook my head, “No, mom. She is not your new doctor.”

Then Dara moved a little bit closer, she bended down, “I’m Chaerin’s new girlfriend, Mrs. Lee.” She murmurs. Both mom and me are surprised. I’m standing slightly behind Dara, eyes are bulging mouth is cracked opened. No I haven’t asked her to be my girlfriend yet and we’ve only just been hanging out for six days. And we only meet in the hospital. We never meet somewhere else. All we do every time we meet is just eat and talk. I’ve only kissed her once and it was for only four seconds. So yes, I’m pretty surprised when she introduced herself as my girlfriend. I don’t know how to feel about this. This sounds impossible. She is definitely out of my league.

Mom formed that satisfied smile I’ve never seen for a long time. She looks at me and Dara alternately. “Am I hallucinating?” she frowns.

Dara giggles, “No, you’re not, Mrs. Lee. My name is Sandara. I’m a doctor in this hospital.”

“She is a cardiac surgeon, mom. Don’t worry, she’s not here to sedate you.” I said. Mom forms a bigger smile. I see her hand holding Dara’s hand back tightly. She seems very happy and touched. I know what she’s thinking, after all this time thinking that I might not be able to find love again, after these years ignoring her words about making new friends and get a new girlfriend, she must be very thrilled to see Dara. When we left the room because the nurse said mom needs rest, I could see mom’s face. She is in peace. I’m glad I brought Dara in today. Maybe it would make mom’s condition even better or at least, she knew her daughter has finally found a new love again and she doesn't have to worry about it again and she can die in peace.

“So are like a thing now?” I asked when we’re walking in the hospital bridge, eating sandwich she stole for me in the doctors’ cafeteria. She smiles shyly.

“You told my mom you’re my girlfriend. You know she’d be very sad if she finds out we’re not really dating. So I really have to ask now, are we going to be a thing or not?”

She tilted her head and looked at me closely, “You want to come to my place?”

I stop eating for a moment and look her with anticipation. I can’t be more surprised. “You serious?”

She nodded excitedly, “Yeah. I’m serious. Let’s go to my place.”

“You mean, like, now?”

It happened so fast. And I’m already here, inside Dara’s apartment. She is very well organized, unlike me, whose room is filled with garbage. I barely tidy up my room and my room also probably stinks of smokes. I never really live at home anyway. I sleep in the hospital most of the times. I already called Bom to watch mom tonight. I told her I’m going out with someone and she couldn’t believe me. She kept asking me to take picture of my new girl and that is why my phone keeps vibrating because she wouldn’t stop bothering me until she gets what she asks for.

Dara’s apartment is not big but it perfectly fits for two people and all the furniture are clean and modern. The entire room is very vacant. There is only a couch for three people, a coffee table and a TV on the top of the drawer table. There is only one bathroom and one room. The kitchen is very tiny but everything is arranged beautifully. I’m surprised she’d have time to clean up despite her tight schedule at work. “Did you just move in to this place?” I ask as we enter her bedroom.

She drops her bag on her working desk. Her desk is also very organized and there is a small bookshelf on the wall above the desk, filled with educational books. She took off her shirts. She looks at me with grinningly, “Yes. I just moved in two and a half months ago. I bought this with a cheap price from a friend. Then I asked my architect friend to arrange everything. It looks neat, isn’t it?” she put on a loose white t-shirt and also changes her pants to these very short and thin sweatpants. I don’t see the use of wearing that pants anyway. I can see everything through, which makes me a little bit nervous. For the record, I haven’t been with someone for a very long time and see her wearing that y pants make me feel a little uncomfortable.

I take off my jacket and then I walk to see the window. The city looks busy but beautiful from up here. I don’t think this place should be sold cheaply. I think she lied about it being cheap at all. “Chaerin do you smoke?”

“What?” I turn around and find her hiding something by putting her hands behind her back. She’s smiling suspiciously. “I- um.” I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. Yes, I smoke sometimes when I’m feeling like it or when I’m dealing with something. But I don't know if I’m supposed to tell her about it because, you know she is a doctor. What if she hates me if she finds out my bad behavior?

“No. I don’t. I quit a long time ago.” I said.

She narrowed her eyes and starred at me from head to toe skeptically. “Liar.” She mutters. Then she hops closer to me. Then she showed me this weed pipe and a lighter, “Do you want some?”

I looked at her intensely. I’m so stunned. I’ve never met someone so full of surprise like this. She is not only very surprising, but she also brings this good atmosphere every time I’m around her. “You are very weird, Sandara.” I muttered. She frowned and then she rounded her arms around my neck, pulling hers