~*~

Chapter VI

From the beginning…

6월 2일

Myungsoo watched, nervously as Hyeji placed the IV line on his arm.  The beeping of the heart rate monitor beside his bed sped up and Hyeji laughed as she finished placing the IV properly.

“Don't be scared, Myungsoo,” she said lightly, as she put an pulse oximeter on his finger.  “It’ll all go smoothly.”

Myungsoo smiled sheepishly and nodded, taking in a deep breath to calm his racing heart. 

Dr. Song came into Myungsoo’s room, holding some forms in his hands.  “How are you feeling today?” he asked. 

“I’m hurgry,” Myungsoo said honestly, smiling a bit.  “But other than that, I’m okay.”

Dr. Song laughed.  “You haven’t ate or drank for the past 12 hours, right?”

“Nope, that's why I’m hungry,” Myungsoo said with a little smile, nervously tapping his fingers against the sheets again. 

Dr. Song raised his eyebrow as the heart monitor started to show Myungsoo’s nervouness again.  With a sigh, Myungsoo gritted his teeth together and calmed his heartbeat as best he could.  Dr. Song laughed as he finished helping Hyeji with the equipment.  “Okay, that’s all done,” he said.  “I have some forms you need to sign now.”

Myungsoo nodded as he took the pen from Dr. Song.  As he signed the form, he tried not to feel like he was signing his death warrant. 

“Guys!  Let’s go or else we’ll be late!” Sungjong called through the dorm. 

“Shut up!  We’re coming!” Hoya yelled.

The Sung brothers were waiting in the front hall as the other three hurried to get everything together.  They were heading to Japan for a concert with other groups.  It was going to be a short trip, they would only be gone for a few days, but this would be the longest time they would be away from Myungsoo since he was diagnosed with cancer so they were all nervous for both the performance and not seeing Myungsoo. 

Myungsoo had seemed okay with it.  He had smiled and wished them good luck and joked that he would come with them.  Sunggyu shifted nervously, he knew that Myungsoo was getting his pneumonectomy today while they were away even though the others didn’t know.  Myungsoo didn’t tell the other five members.  Instead, Myungsoo smiled and handed them his DSLR camera and told them to take a picture of their trip. 

“Do you have Myungsoo’s camera?” Woohyun asked as he shoved his feet into his shoes. 

“Right here,” Sungyeol said, patting the bag with Myungsoo’s camera in it.

“Okay, all ready,” Dongwoo sang out as he carried Sowon into the front hall.  “Let’s go and take a picture of the beautiful Inspirits for Myungsoo.”

~*~

When Myungsoo finished signing the last of the forms, he was allowed to let his family before he was taken into surgery. 

“See you on the other side,” Moonsoo said smiling happily. 

Myungsoo laughed and nodded.  “On the other side,” he repeated. 

“Just don’t die on us,” Moonsoo added.

“I don’t plan to,” he joked. 

Moonsoo hesitated, moving forward slightly.  Myungsoo laughed and hugged Moonsoo tightly.  “Don’t worry,” he promised.  “Don’t worry.”

His father patted his head and smiled at him.  “Myungsoo, you don’t need to worry about anything either.  Just recover well okay?”

Myungsoo smiled and nodded, giving his father one last hug.  “Thank you, abeoji.” 

Myungsoo’s father hugged him tightly.  “It’ll be okay.”

He nodded once more to his dad before turning to his mother.  “Umma?” Myungsoo asked quietly. 

“Yes?”

“Did I make the right choice?” he asked, echoing the question he asked Sunggyu earlier. 

“As long as you can smile, it’s the right choice,” his mother said quietly.  “Just remember to come back to me.  I’ll be right beside you when you wake up.”

Myungsoo nodded, tears burning in his eyes.  “Umma.  I love you,” he said simply. 

“I know.  And Umma loves you too.”

He reached up and hugged his mother once last time before his family stepped away from his bed and the nurses came to take him away. 

As Hyeji pushed his bed out of the room, he saw his phone start ringing.  He recognized the ringtone.  Dongwoo had once grabbed his phone and insisted that he change his ringtone on Myungsoo’s phone to one of Fly to the Sky’s songs.  “So that you know that I’m calling,” Dongwoo had said, handing back his phone.  “I’ll be the only one with this ringtone, right?  And because I’ll be the only one with this ringtone, you’ll know that I’m calling so you’ll always pick up.” Myungsoo had laughed and agreed.

“I’ll pick up for you,” Myungsoo promised. 

Now, Myungsoo watched the phone ringing away on the side table. 

“Sorry I can’t pick up, hyung,” Myungsoo whispered, closing his eyes.  “I’m calling home right now, when you pick up, I’ll be coming home.”

~*~

“The customer you are calling is currently unavailable, please hang up and try again.”

Dongwoo frowned.  “Why isn’t he picking up?” he asked, unhappily. 

“He’s probably just sleeping,” Sungyeol said as he looked up from his phone.  “He’s always sleeping these days.”

“I know, but still…” Dongwoo pouted slightly. 

Sungyeol just laughed at Dongwoo and patted his leg.  “Why do you want to talk to him anyways?”

Dongwoo frowned, looking uncertainly at his phone in his hand.  “I’m not sure,” he admitted.  “I’m just worried for some reason.”

“I’m sure he’s okay,” Sungyeol said.  “Someone would’ve called us if something was wrong.”

“You’re right,” Dongwoo said, nodding.  “I just wanted to say goodbye to him before we got onto the plane.”

“Myungsoo will probably wake up and see that he missed a call from you,” Sungyeol said.  “When we land, he’ll probably would’ve called you and sent you a million text messages by then, so don’t worry.”

But if they knew what was going to happen, they would’ve never gotten on that plane to Japan. 

~*~

Seven months ago, Dr. Song Jihae had no idea about what kind of patient he would have next.  His good friend, Dr. Park Sora, a doctor from the Emergancy Room, called him saying that she had a patient for him.  Sora handed him a patient folder and smiled as he read the folder. 

He was more than surprised when he saw the name, Kim Myungsoo, at the top of the folder.  The article of Myungsoo collasping was all over the internet, he was surprised when he realized that if Sora was giving him Myungsoo’s file, that would mean that he had cancer. 

They double checked Myungsoo scans and test, not wanting to give Myungsoo a false diagnosis, but the results didn’t change, so in the end, Jihae gave Myungsoo the diagnosis. 

Jihae had been a oncologist for many years, but Myungsoo’s case was a first.  Of course he had cases of lung cancer before, but Myungsoo’s case was different from other cases. 

There was the obvious reason.  Myungsoo was an idol.  When the other doctors heard that he was Myungsoo’s doctor, they jokingly said that he better not mess up on his case or else a crowd of angry fangirls would come and murder him. 

One of the reasons might have been that no matter what happened, Myungsoo always smiled.  He was surprisingly optimistic about his future.  Even after he was told that he would never be able to get a lung donor, he was still trying his best to fight.  

But the main reason was because of the love that Jihae saw.  Myungsoo always had at least one member of his family or adopted family by his side.  Any time that he had to go through another round of chemo or treatment, his mother, father and Moonsoo was there to hold his hand or Sungyeol and Dongwoo was there to make him laugh, Sunggyu and Sungjong was there to help him wipe the vomit off his chin and Hoya and Woohyun were there to help him sleep.  Myungsoo’s room was filled with get well gifts from friends and many, many Inspirits. 

He smiled slightly at Myungsoo’s stuborn side, how he wouldn’t listen to anyone as he decided to get his lung removed comepletly. 

Now, Dr. Song watched as Myungsoo’s pneumonectomy from the gallery of the surgery room. 

He had asked his own friend, Dr. Jang Seunghyuk, to do Myungsoo’s surgery.  He knew that Dr. Jang would do a good job, they went through medicine school together, their friendship was built on a lot and he had no doubt in his friend, so it was up to Myungsoo to pull through. 

His eyes jumped to the heart monitor beside Myungsoo’s bed as there was a loud beeping noise. 

“Code blue, get the crash cart.”

Dr. Song watched as Dr. Jang’s team started to revive Myungsoo.  Myungsoo’s body jumped as the shock ran through him, but the monitor continued to flat line.  Jihae looked down at Myungsoo’s still face as he was shocked again. 

Unconsiously, he reached up and placed his hand on the cold glass seperating the gallery from the theater.  “Come on, Myungsoo, you can’t let your heart stop beating now,” he mumbled quietly.  “You need to keep on breathing, you need to keep on going.  Keep on fighting, I know that you can.”

Dr. Jang looked up to the gallery.  “Jihae, I don’t think that he can make it,” he called out.  “Should I-”

“No.” Dr. Song shook his head.  “Just try once more, please.”

“Jihae-”

“Seunghyuk, please trust me.  Just once more.”

He looked towards Myungsoo on the surgery table.  “You know how this works…”

“I’m not going to let you call time of death yet,” Dr. Song said firmly.  “Myungsoo has more than enough fight in him, he just needs to wake up and get up.” 

Dr. Jang hesitated before nodding, signalling the team to try once more.

Jihae held his breath, watching Myungsoo carefuly.  “Once more.  If you want to live, if you think that everyone who loves you needs you, start breathing again.”

Myungsoo’s body jumped as he was shocked once more and for one second nothing happened. 

Finally, there was a beep and Myungsoo’s heart started to beat steadily. 

Dr. Jang looked back up at Dr. Song and nodded.  “He’s okay now, we’ll continue, could you go tell the family?”

“Okay, do well, Seunghyuk.”

Before he left, he looked down at Myungsoo’s pale face once again.  “I knew you could do it, Myungsoo,” he said quietly.  “You did well.  You did very well.  You’re a strong fighter.”

Dr. Song headed to the waiting room where Myungsoo’s family was waiting.  As he entered, the Kim’s jumped up and looked towards him expectantly.  The wave of concern that came over him from the Kim family nearly knocked him off his feet.  Of all the times that he had to deliver news, he found this time the hardest, even though it was good news.  All of their faces were filled with many emotions, hope and hopelssness, sadness and happiness. 

Smiling at them, Dr. Song put his hand on Myungsoo’s mother’s shoulder.  “He’s doing well now,” he said steadily.  “Just right now, Myungsoo’s heart stopped from the stress of being in surgery, but we got his heart started again.  Dr. Jang is confident right now that Myungsoo will pull through surgery, but there is still a lot more to go.”

Myungsoo’s mother let out a sob and hugged him tightly.  “Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for my son,” she said.  “Thank you so much.”

“It’s my honour to look after such a brave fighter,” Dr. Song said.  “You’re son is so strong.  You should be proud of him.”

She smiled, brushing away a few tears on his cheeks.  “I always am.”

~*~

6월 3일

It was confusing for Myungsoo to wake up.  His whole world felt fuzzy and blurry.  He could only vaugely remember waking up after surgery and answering a few questions from Dr. Jang about how he was feeling and other questions to test his memory. 

He opened his eyes slowly, but immediately snapped them shut again against the bright lights of the hospital.  Trying to make a sound, Myungsoo panicked as he realized there was something down his throat, preventing him from making a noise. 

Again, he choked on the tube and tried to reach up and take it out, but a hand reached out and stopped him.  “Myungsoo, don’t touch the ventilator.  It’s helping you breathe.”  He recognized his mother’s voice and let her put his hand back down against the bed.  “Could you open your eyes?” she asked, uncertainty and concern in her voice. 

Nodding once, Myungsoo forced his eyes back open.  Slowly, his eyes readjusted to the bright lights, focusing slowly on his mother beside him.  The corner of his lips twitched into a smile around the tube in down his throat.  With the ventilator in his mouth, he only managed to mumble a few incoherent syllables. 

His mother smiled and gently patted his head gently.  “Do you feel okay, Myungsoo?”

He nodded slowly, unsure if he did or if it was just the morphine in his system.  Even with his mother beside him, he felt like there was someone missing.  Myungsoo looked around the room, slightly confused, trying to remember what he was missing. 

“Do you need anything?” his mother asked as she saw him looking around the room. 

Yes, I need Infinite.  Myungsoo closed his eyes tightly, concentrating on the next syllable so she could understand. 

“…ung… ng…”

She frowned as only some grunts came out of his mouth.  “Should I go get the nurse?” she asked. 

Myungsoo shook his head and tried once more.  “…yu… ung…”

She looked at him confused once more, searching his eyes to find the answer.  “I don’t understand…”

Reaching out, Myungsoo shakily drew a infinity sign on her palm.  I want hyung… why isn’t he here?

It took his mother another moment to get what he was talking about.  “Ahh, you were trying to say ‘hyung’, right?  Infinite is in Japan right now, don’t you remember?” she said gently.  “They’ll be home soon.”

Myungsoo nodded slowly because that was the only thing he could do, closing his eyes again.  His mother took his hand in hers, gently rubbing calming circles on the back of his hand. 

“Go to sleep, okay?  Infinite will be here when you wake up.  Don’t try to stay awake, just rest, okay?”

Myungsoo shook his head, blinking a few times to keep his eyes open.  Even though it was getting harder and harder to keep his eyes open and to keep breathing, he still needed to say something. 

“I’ll go get the nurse and see if we can get something for you.”

At his mother suggestion, he shook his head.  With a big effort, he managed to grunt a few more words through the tube in his throat.  “Um…ma… I… love you…”

Tears started to fall down his mother’s cheeks.  “Myungsoo, I love you too,” she whispered as she placed her hand on his cheek gently, just like she would when he was younger. 

Myungsoo was unaware of the tears falling down his pale face until his mother gently brushed them off his cheeks.  His mother’s hand in his hair calmed him down a little bit as the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.  The reason why they were falling was a mystery to him, but he couldn’t stop.

The pain started to come a long with the tears.  He let out a little whimper of pain through the ventilator in his mouth, the only sound that he could make. 

“Myungsoo?  Are you in pain now?  Myungsoo, can you hear me?  Nurse!  Help!”

Myungsoo shakily reached up for his mother.  Don’t let me go, Umma… let me stay with you. 

The nurse was beside him asking if he was in pain and where the pain was.  Myungsoo coulnd’t answer, his body was in too much pain, especially his chest.  The ventilator continued to push air into his lungs steadily, causing more spikes of pain to spear his chest, and sent him panting for air.  

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the nurse preparing a needle filled with a clear liquid.  A seditive. 

In panic, Myungsoo tried to shake his head, nearly choking on the ventilator as he did so. 

“Please calm down, Myungsoo, you’re going to hurt yourself if you don’t.”

Myungsoo wanted to scream, he wanted to beg for the nurse to not to give him more drugs, so that he could stay with his mother for a little while longer because he had no idea if he could fight away the darkness that was hoping to take him forever. 

But still, the drugs seized him and he found himself floating away. 

~*~

Moonsoo wanted to tell his mother to sit down, that her pacing was driving him insane as they waited for Dr. Song to come out of Myungsoo’s ICU room, but he knew how worried his mother was about his brother, he was just as worried, so he kept his mouth shut. 

It was scary how small his big brother looked, lying in the hospital bed amoung the maze of wires and tubes.  There were multiple IV lines in his arms, giving him drugs and morphine and a long tube ran down his throat, forcing his remaining lung to take in oxygen properly.  A chest tube led out from the right side of his chest to a bag on the side of Myungsoo’s bed, draining the blood and other fluids from his chest. 

There was still a lot of wires leading off of his chest to monitors beside his bed.  All of the monitors looked menecing and scary next to Myungsoo, all of the lines rising and falling with steady beeps as Myungsoo rested.  Even though it looked like his brother was resting peacfully, Moonsoo knew very well that he wasn’t, that every second he had his eyes closed was spent fighting to open his eyes. 

The door slid open and Dr. Song came out of the room, taking off a pair of plastic gloves.  He walked over to Myungsoo’s family as they stood up to greet him.  “Hello,” he said, looking more tired than he had been in the past few days. 

“Is Myungsoo okay?” Myungsoo’s father asked, placing his arm around his wife’s shoulder. 

“His lung is doing well and his heart is working fine, but the place where his right lung was is filling up with fluids again.  We put the chest tube back in to drain the fluid.  But there is something else; his kidneys.  An after effect of the surgery caused his kidneys start to fail, that is what caused his pain.  We started him on dialysis, which takes out the toxic substances that the kidneys usually drain out from the blood.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

Dr. Song ran a hand over his face.  “Myungsoo is in a considerable amount of discomfort and pain right now.  I think… that… it would be a good idea of sedate Myungsoo for good while his system is recovering from the surgery.”

“He will be okay after that though, right?”

After a brief hesitation, he continued slowly, “Myungsoo’s body took the surgery hard.  At this moment… there’s a chance that he’s not going to make it.”   

Myungsoo’s mother gasped and pressed her hand against .  Her husband tried to comfort her, but there was nothing that you can do when a mother is about to lose her baby.  “Are you sure that there is nothing we can do?” he asked. 

“If we sedate him and give him time to recover, I think that’s the best chance for him,” Dr. Song said slowly.  “I’m going to give him the seditive in the hour, but for now, I’m going to let him wake up so that you can… talk to him once more.”   He bowed and turned to go into Myungsoo’s room, but paused to look back at Myungsoo’s family.  “Your son is a strong young man, he still has a lot of fight in him.”

~*~

The first thing that Myungsoo noticed that he no longer had a ventilator in his mouth, but he had a oxygen mask instead.  The next thing was that the pain was gone, there was a light buzzing in his head, but it was only a mild discomfort. 

He felt so sluggish and he couldn’t force his eyes open, but he wanted his mother.  Gathering his strength, he managed to mumble, “U… umm… a…”

There was some shuffling and his mother’s hand touched his.  “Myungsoo?  Are you awake?”

Instead of answering, Myungsoo opened his eyes slowly, searching for his mother.  His eyes focused on his mother beside his bed and she smiled at him, placing her hand on his cheek.  Barely managing to smile, Myungsoo leaned his cheek against his mother’s hand. 

“Sorry…” Myungsoo muttered quietly. 

“No, Myungsoo-yah… it’s all okay.  Don’t worry…”

Myungsoo whimpered at the slight twinge of pain in his chest, not only from the surgery, but his heart as well.  “Umma… why are you crying?”

“I’m not crying,” his mother said, her voice breaking. 

He nodded, nuzzling against her hand.  He wanted to ask about her tears more, but the drugs made it hard for Myungsoo to concentrate as another thought crossed his mind.  “Umma… where is Sunggyu-hyung?  And Woohyunie?  And Dongwoo-hyung?  Or Sungyeollie and Howon? And Jjongie?”

“They’ll be here soon,” his mother told him gently.  “Just rest until they come, okay?  I’ll wake you up when they come.”

Myungsoo wet his lips, a tear tracking down his cheek.  “Umma… I… can’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t close my eyes… I don’t know if I can open my eyes again after I close them.”

“Myungsoo…  Please don’t say that.”

“I need to hear those words out loud,” Myungsoo whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks.  “I need to hear the truth.  That’s the truth, right?  That’s why I don’t have the ventilator any more… that’s why Dr. Song told you to-”

“Myungsoo!  Please don’t!  I can’t lose you.  I won’t be able to lose my son.”

Both of them were crying as they knew what was going to happen in a few moments.  “Umma… I love you you know that, right?  I love you and Abeoji and Moonsoo so much.  I’m so sorry.”

“We love you so much, Myungsoo,” she whispered.  “If… you can’t find the strength to open your eyes in the morning, we’ll understand.”

A sob tore from his throat and tears started to stream down his cheeks.

“I’m so sorry, I never wanted something like this to happen, I hurt you so much while this was happening, I’m so sorry.”  Apologies poured out of him, just like the tears that fell.

“Myungsoo.  It’s okay.  Everything’s okay.  Go to sleep now, I’m here and I’ll be here when you wake up.  I’ll stay right here beside you.”

His mother’s words seemed to open a gate as tears started to pour down his cheeks, faster and faster.  He cried harder, he couldn’t stop.  His mother’s warm fingers traced under his eyes, wiping away the tears.

Myungsoo cried until he couldn’t cry anymore and even after that, he kept on crying.

I need them…

The tears finally stopped, but Myungsoo could feel the whole world fading away from his grasp.

“Umma… please tell them… I love them too,” he choked out.  “Tell them… I’m sorry.”

“I will,” his mother said, her voice filled with tears.  “Just rest well, Myungsoo.”

A little smile spread over his lips and he opened his eyes one last time to look at his mom again.  “Umma, I love you so much.”

“Me too, adeul.  I love you so much too.”  She leaned down and kissed his forehead.  Myungsoo closed his eyes as he felt his mother’s warm lips leave him.  Quietly, slowly fading into the background, she started to sing his lullaby to him. 

I stood upon a hill,

Stared up at the blue sky,

And drew a lovely person from my heart…

As Myungsoo closed his eyes, not knowing when he would open his eyes next, the last thought he had was of Infinite.  

Hi!  

Sorry I didn't manage to update last weekend.  I have a writing portfolio for English that's due in a week and a half and I'm supposed to write two long short stories, a essay, a script and a collection of poems and I'm maybe 50% done, so I kind of need to put a lot of thought and energy into that.  I got the portfolio assignment in March-ish, and when I saw the due date was the first week of May, my first thought was, "It's going to be (close to) Infinite's comeback by the time I'm finished..."  I might not be able to update next weekend because I'll be working on the writing portfolio.  I really want to leave you guys with a cliffhanger and I feel mean for doing that but you know I'm laughing evily right now. >_< 

Please subscribe and comment and upvote!  I'm probably going to reply slowly this time, thank you for your support and patience!  See you!