~*~

Chapter XII

Now it’s...

10월 3일

Two months later, Sunggyu returned to the dorms after a long day of singing and broadcasts. 

Since they agreed that they’ll be doing a comeback without Myungsoo before they leave for their service, their days had been packed with schedules.  They were recording within the first week and then quickly moving onto photoshoots and filming for the music video.  The good thing was that they didn’t need to look very far for their music. For the title track, they used the song that Sunggyu and Myungsoo had composed a few days before Myungsoo had the pneumonectomy. 

So far, their comeback had been a hit, they won 1^st at all of the music programs that they went to and their album was sold out in many stores. 

Wherever they went, Myungsoo was never that far behind them.  At Music Bank or other music programs, he was standing backstage or in a waiting room, cheering them on.  When Sungyeol and Woohyun were guests on Running Man, Myungsoo was even waiting behind the cameras for them.  When Infinite’s practices headed into the night, he would be sitting at the side of the practice room, giving them encourgement.  The times when their practices ended late at night, Myungsoo would fall asleep on the side before their practice ended and Hoya would carry him back into the dorm.  If Infinite’s schedules ended late and Myungsoo couldn’t come with them, he would be waiting at the dorm, some food waiting on the counter as he slept on the couch, waiting for the others to come home.  Once, they came home and found the dorm cleaner than it had ever been, their shoes neatly stacked on the shelves, the DVDs and CDs ordered by who owned which and by title, all of the dishes washed and put away, all work courtesy of Myungsoo.  Myungsoo had even enough time to do their laundry and organize their wardrobes. 

It had been a long two months, but they had never been happier.  Myungsoo had moved back to the dorm until they headed to the army when he would return back to his parents’ place.  Their service date was always looming on the back of their minds.  No one had marked it on the calendar, but all of them knew which day it was and dreaded the day it would come. 

Sunggyu sighed and he counted the days they had left and went over the schedule in his mind.  They had promotions for another two weeks and a goodbye fanmeeting in three.  Jungyeop had given them a week to spend with their families before they left in a bit more than a month. 

He shook his head, determined not to think about it until later.  He knew that Myungsoo was alone at the dorms and Sunggyu wanted to smile at Myungsoo without the burden of their deadline on his mind.  Sunggyu opened the dorm to the dorm and was met by the scent of kimchi and someone playing their latest album, singing along with it. 

“Myungsoo?” he called a head as he kicked off his shoes. 

The singing stopped as Myungsoo poked his head out of the kitchen.  “Hello, hyung!” he said cheerfully.  “Did your day go well today?”

“Yeah,” Sungyu said as he followed Myungsoo into the kitchen.  “What are you doing?”

Myungsoo lifted the lid to one of the pots on the stove and gave it a little stir.  “You’ve all been tired and stressed out recently, I thought I could make everyone dinner.”

Sunggyu smiled.  “What is on the menu?”

“Kimchi jjigae,” Myungsoo replied, holding out the spoon for Sunggyu to try.  “Does it taste okay?”

Sunggyu allowed Myungsoo to feed him the spoon.  “Tastes great,” he said.  “Not too salty this time.”

Myungsoo smiled and put the lid back on the pot.  “Did anything intresting happen today?” Myungsoo asked as he grabbed a stack of plates and bowls from the cupboard. 

“Nothing much,” Sunggyu said, following Myungsoo out of the kitchen.  “Just a broadcast.  Dongwoo and Woohyun are just finishing vocal practice, Hoya went to teach some of the trainees a dance, Sungyeol and Sungjong should be coming home soon.”

“I asked Sungyeol to go pick up somethings for me at the gorcery,” Myungsoo said as he started setting out plates on the table.  “I’m missing some side dishes.”

“Thanks for preparing dinner for us,” Sunggyu said with a smile as they returned to the kitchen.  “Did your day go well?”

Myungsoo nodded.  “Dr. Song said that he’s going to allow me to start getting back in shape soon,” he said happily.  “They said in about three months I can get back to the studios as long as I take it easy.”

Sunggyu smiled, reaching over to ruffle his hair.  “You’re doing so well.”

Grinning, Myungsoo opened his mouth to answer, but he was interrupted as his phone beeped.  He pulled out his phone from his pocket and sighed, turning off the alarm. 

“What’s that for?” Sunggyu asked. 

“Nothing,” Myungsoo lied, reaching into a bag on the counter to pull out a couple pill bottles.  Sunggyu winced as Myungsoo unscrewed the cap and poured a few pills into his hand. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sunggyu couoldn’t help, but ask softly. 

Myungsoo nodded as he grabbed a different bottle and took out a pill.  “Could you get me a cup from the cupboard?” he asked, holding the pills in one hand as he put the bottles back in the bag. 

Filling the cup with water that Sunggyu handed to him, without hesitation, Myungsoo swallowed the pills, washing them down with a drink of water. 

“Myungsoo, you’ll tell someone if you aren’t feeling well, right?” Sunggyu asked, suddenly worried for Myungsoo again as he watched him take his medicine. 

He smiled and nodded.  “I will.  I have six brothers to go to if I have troubles, right?”

Sunggyu smiled back and ruffled his hair playfully.  “I’m glad that you’re still here,” he said quietly, gently running his hand down Myungsoo’s shoulder. 

“Hyung...” Myungsoo tilted his head to the side with a small smile.  “I’m not leaving you, I promise.”

“Hey, Myungsoo!  Sunggyu-hyung!  What’s cooking?” Dongwoo yelled as he ran into the kitchen with a calmer Woohyun behind him. 

“Kimchi!” Myungsoo said happily as he handed Sunggyu a collection of side dishes to take to the table. “Take this to the table,” Myungsoo ordered Dongwoo as he handed a bowl of food to him.  “And this and this.”  He added to Woohyun, giving Woohyun another set of plates. 

“Hyung!  We’re home,” Sungjong called as he came into the dorm with Hoya.  “What smells so good?’

“Supper.  Wash up and we’ll start eating,” Myungsoo said cheerfully. 

The door opened again and Sungyeol came into the dorm, kicking a bag of groceries ahead of him as he balanced another in his arms.  “Hello!” he called out.  “Myungsoo-yah!  I got you what you asked for, why do you need this?”

“Supper.” Myungsoo said as he took the bag from Sungyeol. 

“It better be good because I think my arms fell off carrying this home,” Sungyeol complained as he followed Myungsoo into the kitchen.  “I got everything you wanted.  Plus I got some beer too.”

 “I can’t drink beer or anything alcoholic,” Myungsoo said apologetically. 

“Never fear, I got some pop,” Sungyeol said, holding up the third bag.  “Special delivery for our Myungsoo.”

Myungsoo grinned happily.  “Thank you, Sungyeol.”

He laughed and grabbed Myungoo’s face, squshing his cheeks.  “Our Myungsoo is so cute,” he teased, squishing Myungsoo’s cheeks a bit harder, making his lips stick out like a fish. 

“Gesh osh me!” Myungsoo complained as he tried to throw Sungyeol’s hands off. 

“Sunggyu-hyung!  Myungsoo’s speaking informally to me!  I’m his hyung too!”

Sunggyu who just came into the room and smiled at the two best friends.  “As if you care about formalities between the two of you,” he said. 

Following Sunggyu into the kitchen, Woohyun laughed at them.  “Myungsoo, if you want Sungyeol to let you go, say it cutely.   ‘Let me goooo!’”

Myungsoo scowled at the growing crowd of people in the kitchen.  “Let go of me, Yeol!”

Sungyeol let Myungsoo go, but not without planting a loud and fake kiss on Myungsoo’s forehead. 

“Ewwww,” Myungsoo and Sungjong said in sync as Myungsoo wipped the remains of the kiss away. 

“Catch me if you can!” Sungyeol sang out, sticking his tounge out at them as he hurried away. 

“Lee Sungyeol!  I’m going to get you for this!”  Myungsoo rushed after Sungyeol and tackled him onto the couch in the living area.  “Surrender!”

“Never!” Sungyeol yelled, holding Myungsoo as far away as he could.  “You surrender!”

Glancing around for help, Myungsoo spotted Dongwoo laughing helplessly at them.  “Hyung!  Help me!”

Dongwoo grinned and reached over to tickle Sungyeol.  “Help!” Sungyeol yelled between his laughter. 

“Attack!” Sungjong and Hoya yelled at the same time as they piled on top of the other three, effectively squishing all of them. 

“Okay, okay!  I surrender!” Sungyeol screamed. 

Myungsoo sat up, trying to catch his breath from all the laughter.  Sungyeol grinned at Myungsoo and ruffled his already messy hair.  “Still love you, Myungsoo.”

Myungsoo smiled back.  “Me too.”

“Kiss him.  Kiss him.  Kiss him,” Woohyun started to chant from the side. 

The two of the looked at each with identical expressions of sarcastic disgust.  “Never!”

A hour later, everyone was seated down at the dinner table, the room was filled with lively chatter and clatter of plates and chopsticks. 

“Guys,” Sunggyu said, standing up.  “I’d like to make a toast.

“I’d like to say how proud I am of all of you,” Sunggyu started.  “I said this in the hospital while we were waiting for Myungsoo to wake up.  I need to say this again because, for one, so that Myungsoo can actually hear me, and two, because I really want you to know that I’m proud of you.

“Dongwoo, no matter what, you kept on smiling, thank you for that.  We all needed to smile and you helped us do that.  Howon.  You’re always so strong, no matter what.  There was never a moment that I doubted that you wouldn’t be strong enough to carry on.  Sungyeol, I always told you before to work on your singing, but I never told you to grow as a person.  During the past year, you’ve grown so much, I never realized, but thank you so much.  Sungjong, you’ve grown up so much, you’re hardly our young maknae anymore.  Woohyun, your leadership skills matured so much,” Sunggyu said. “If I happen to follow Myungsoo’s footsteps, I know that Infinite will be in good hands.

“And Myungsoo, I don’t know what to say to you.  You’re so strong and I’m not sure what we would’ve done without you. You’re still here, even if you’re minus one lung; you just have more room for a bigger heart.

“It’s been a really hard year for all of us, don’t blame yourself Myungsoo,” Sunggyu said before Myungsoo could open his mouth.  “Everything that we’ve been through in the past year, well… since our debut has made us stronger.  We all make each other stronger.  It’s not going to be Infinite if there’s not seven of us.

“Now, we’re heading off to the army and we’re leaving Myungsoo here.  Well, we’re not leaving you, we’ll be coming back, like how you always will come back to us too. 

“I’m not sure what’s going to happen in the next year, like I didn’t know that this year Myungsoo would be diagnosed with cancer and we would be hoping that we wouldn’t lose one and become six.  Really, we don’t know what’s going to be coming down to road at us, but I know that we’re still going to stick to each other through everything.   

He raised his glass. “So, here’s to us, to Infinite.  Because it’s been one year since we became stronger.  Here’s to the year in front of us.  No matter what happens, I’m proud of you and I love you guys.”

“Cheers.”

~*~

There was a stranger in the mirror in front of him. 

Myungsoo stared at his reflection, staring at the stanger in front of him.   His body was too skinny.  Before all this, he was skinny, but he was healthily skinny. Myungsoo traced his fingers over his ribs, each one visible underneath his skin.  He sighed and placed his hand underneath his ribcage, frowning at the lack of flesh in his abdomen. 

Myungsoo ran his fingers through his hair, gently tugging.  Before, a few weeks ago, if he pulled at his hair, chunks of hair would fall out.  Luckily for him, his hair grew back quickly, leaving no bald spots. 

One thing that was troubling him was off his list, but there was the rest of the list to look at.  He fiddled with the edge of his shirt before pulling it over his head. 

Slowly, he pulled off his pants and boxers and took out the bathroom scale.  Tentitavely, he stepped onto the scale, not daring to open his eyes to see the number, but slowly opening his eyes and frowning at the numbers on the scale.  Quickly, he stepped off the scale and jumped into the shower, the numbers pernamently burned into his eyes.  He hadn’t weighed that much since… he was in middle school probably, if not earlier.  It was because he hadn’t eaten very well when he was sick, Myungsoo thought to himself, and that his body was now down one lung.

Quickly, he the water, not wanting to think about his weight anymore.  The warm water ran down his back as he the water. 

As the water cascaded around him, he wrapped his fingers around his forearm, mesuring carefully.  He remembered, before, they would all do that, especially in their trainee days, just to check if they were just the right weight.  He knew that he could easily wrap his fingers around Sungjong’s wrist, it was smaller and skinnier than his, it was easy to hold Sungjong’s small wrist in his hand.  Sungyeol’s was easy too, Sungyeol was tall and skinny, the maknae line hardly needed to diet as much as the hyungs, they were naturally skinny, tall and lean. 

Maybe soon, he would gain back that weight.  As soon as he had that thought, he nearly punched himself, knowing that there would never be a time that he could gain back all the lost weight. 

Myungsoo quickly grabbed the shampoo and scrubbed it into his hair, nearly yanking out the fragile roots of his hair.  He squeezed his eyes shut, partly to keep out the soap, but partly to stop his tears. 

His breathing was finally evening out and his actions were a bit less friantic.  The shampoo had washed out from his hair and eventually ran down the tub between his toes. 

Myungsoo sighed and crouched down in the shower, the hot water pounding down on the back of his neck, running down his back.  It felt good to be washing up, he did do that in the hospital, but the hospital showers were cold and quick.  Most of the time, he felt too faint to stand in the shower, so Hyeji or another nurse would give him a bath by wiping down his body.  It felt strange to be bathed like a baby, by a stanger none the less. It did feel good though, to wash up after lying in the hospital bed for hours and days on end.  Myungsoo decided that it was the best to wash up on your own, in the place you call home.

The shower was turning cold as he stepped out of the shower and into the now steamy room.  Myungsoo wrapped the towel around his shoulders, the water ran off his skin and onto the bathroom floor.

Hesitantly, he reached out and wipped off the fog on the mirror.  He stared at his reflection again, wondering who the stranger was.  He gently touched his cheekbones, wondering when they had become this sharp.  The idol industry had always said that sharp cheek bones were always the best, that the best image they should work on was ‘perfect’ v-shape jawline.  Infinite was always proud of each other when their jawlines became more defined.  Sure, his was always sharp, but usually the others, namely Hoya and Woohyun’s, were the sharpest.  His eyes travled down his body, looking down to his chest and dropping the towel to the floor.

Just like his jawline, his collarbones stuck out sharply at the edges of his neck, running down to his sharply defined ribs.  The lack of fat on his stomach still worried him, he was never the one with the most curves, that was Sungjong, nor was he the one with the muscles, that was for Hoya.  He hardly had ever shown his middrift on shows.  Dongwoo, Hoya and Woohyun would do so often, Sungyeol was proud of his abs and he would show them often too.  Sungjong was always keep his shirt firmly over his stomach, and so would Sunggyu and Myungsoo. 

Myungsoo was half afraid that if he revealed his abs, the fans would be… disappointed?  He really didn’t ever have abs, his body wasn’t built that way.  As much as he exercised, he never seemed to be able to get abs.  Not that he minded… very much.  He would prefer to have abs, but he was fine with having none. 

But having or not having a six pack were on the last part of his worries.  His stomach was too thin to even have thought about having muscles once upon a time was a thing of a dream.

His hands landed on his hips.  They jutted out uglily from his waist, leading down to his too boney thighs.  The gap between his thighs that Infinite used to admire were more prominent than ever, and he hated it.

Myungsoo sighed and picked up a pair of boxers.  He frowned as the boxers hung strangely on his hips.  It was hard to realize that his body was never going to be the same as it was before.  Like how it was when he was a young healthy man, someone who was a part of Infinite.  Now after all the months of treatment and sickness, his body was wasted away.  Muscles and fat that used to line his skeleton were long gone. 

Shakily, he reached towards the pile of clothes that he brought in with him, pulling away his shirt to reveal what he had hid underneath it.   Myungsoo stared at the small oxygen tank on the counter.  He sighed and reached over to place the nasal cannula under his nose.  Dr. Song had told him to use the oxygen tank while he was sleeping, a precaution just in case that his lung failed him during the night.

With shaking hands, he took the thin clear tube and placed it under his nose, curling it around behind his ears and tightened it underneath his chin.  Myungsoo closed his eyes and took a deep breath with the new oxygen, letting it out shakily. 

When he got out of the shower, he would need to go do his breathing excersizes and then take his evening pills, then he would-

Myungsoo quickly cut off his trail of thought, grabbing his shirt from its spot on the counter and was about to pull it over his head when he stopped.

Before, he had become rather good at ignoring the big glaring scar on his ribcage, the place where they had cut his lung out of his body.  He didn’t realize that his fingers were shakng as he traced the long scar along his ribcage.  Dr. Song and Dr. Jang had explained to him how the surgery went.  They had cut with the curve of his ribs and moved his ribs so that they could cut out his lung. 

Myungsoo took in a deep breath, watching his chest carefully.  The right side of his chest didn’t rise up as the left side did, without his lung, it couldn’t quiet be the same as it was before.  Myungsoo held his hand up to his chest, covering up the scar.  He could nearly feel his heart beat on the other side of his chest, beating steadily. 

By covering up the scar on his side, it nearly helped him forget what had happened during the past year, it nearly helped him forget what he had missed when he wasn’t with Infinite.  

The months of being Infinite were gone, so were his dreams.  Each dream he had, each thought he had once upon a time, each moment and memory he and Infinite once had seemed like they had gone up in the flames, that they had washed away, that they were gone forever. 

A tear fell down his cheek, another tear, and another…

A sob left his mouth, choking his throat.  His knees started to shake with the forces of his sobs.  Myungsoo sobbed, screaming his heart out to who ever was listening. 

Sinking down to the ground, his legs too weak to hold him up any longer, Myungsoo wrapped his arms around his ribs as his sobs turned into coughs as his one lung tried its best to supply his body with oxygen. Each tear that fell down his cheeks felt like they were being shed for each memory that he had lost, for each memory they had lost and hadn’t lived.  He cried for all the things that he had lost, for all the things that he hadn’t lived, for all the things that he had never seen, for the things that he had done.  Myungsoo sobbed and cried, all alone on the bathroom floor, screaming out his heart from behind his hands.  His whole life from before the cancer was gone and he was alone.  All alone. 

He pressed his hands against the right side of his chest, the place where the tumor used to be, the thing that destroyed his body.  Just under his hand was where his body tried to rip him apart, but it was the place where he learned to grow stronger. 

Still, he cried, sobbing out all of the troubles and worries he had through the past year.  It felt like he could never stop crying even if he tried, but there was one thing that could stop his tears.   

Suddenly, through his wailing, he heard someone knocking on the door. 

“Myungsoo?  Myungsoo? Are you okay in there?”

He placed his hand over his mouth, muffling his sobs.  Sungyeol’s worried voice came from behind the door and the door knob jiggled as Sungyeol tried to open the door.  His best friend’s voice echoed strangely through bathroom and through his tear fogged ears.  Myungsoo didn’t want to hear Sungyeol’s worried voice, but he couldn’t stop crying. 

“Myungsoo?” Sungyeol called again.  “You okay?”

“Hyung?  What’s going on in there?  Are you okay in there?”  This time it was Sungjong calling him, worry lacing the maknae’s words.  The youngest’s words pierced through Myungsoo’s heart, another wave of tears poured out of his eyes, he never wanted to hurt the others, but yet, somewhere on the road, he did. 

“Myungsoo-yah?  What’s the matter?” Woohyun called through the door accompanied by a few knocks.  “Myungsoo-yah?”  Woohyun’s equally worried voice echoed into the room.  Woohyun was the second leader, he was the one who took care of Myungsoo and the others when Sunggyu wasn’t there.  Just as much as he didn’t want to hear Sungjong or Sungyeol worry, he hated to hear the worry in Woohyun’s voice. 

“Guys?  What’s going on?”  Sunggyu’s sharp voice cracked through the door.

“Sunggyu-hyung, he’s not answering.  I don’t know what’s going on.”

“Move.”  Myungsoo could hear some loud shuffling as the others made way for Sunggyu.  All of them obeyed Sunggyu, rather out of habbit, but they were also afraid of what Sunggyu would do if they didn’t.  Sunggyu would never punish them, but Sunggyu was never the forgiving type.  “Myungsoo?” Sunggyu called through the door.  “Myungsoo, are you okay?  Talk to us.”

For some reason, their soft and calming voices seemed to only fuel his tears.  He kept on crying, hugging his knees closer to his chest.  He hated the tears running down his face, but he couldn’t stop them. 

The door opened slowly, someome must had found the bathroom key, only a crack, but Myungsoo could see Dongwoo’s worried eyes.  Myungsoo pushed himself up to a sitting position against the wall, trying his best not to show his weakness.  “Myungsoo-yah?”  The door opened a bit further as Dongwoo saw Myungsoo on the floor.  “Myungsoo, what’s wrong!”

Hoya pushed by Dongwoo and hugged Myungsoo tightly.  Myungsoo was surprised, but he still hugged Hoya back warmly, clinging as tightly as Hoya was.  Sometimes, being strong meant hiding your weaknesses, but other time, being strong meant showing your weakness.

“Are you okay, Myungsoo?”  Sunggyu gently placed his hand on Myungsoo’s cheek.  “Don’t cry, please don’t cry.  You might hurt yourself and… just please don’t cry, okay?”

Myungsoo nodded tightly into Hoya’s shoulder, gasping for breath between his sobs.  Sungjong gently patted Myungsoo’s head, his other arm wrapping around his thin shoulders.  The other four tried to get as close to Myungsoo as possible in the small bathroom. 

Myungsoo cried into Hoya’s shoulder, hot tears never stopping. 

He hated all of it.  He hated how he was crying.  He hated how easily the others could wrap their arms around his skinny shoulders.  He hated how worried he made them. 

He didn’t like it at all. 

But wrapped up in the warmth of his brothers, in the warmth of his family, it didn’t matter anymore. 

Each of them pressed their own unique warmth and love into the hug, making Myungsoo feel warm and safe. 

He was warm and safe in Infinite’s arms.  Their warmth calming down his tears.  Their love soothing their hurt in his heart. 

Everything was better now.  

hi~ i'm sleepy rn, please give me lots of comments. ^^ 

see you next week.  and this time I'll try to reply to comments better, sorry that I didn't last time, but know that i love all of them, so thank you for leaving comments.  love you. byebye.