Yongguk’s POV

"Oh my goodness! Junhong!"

My mind suddenly became a mess and I shot up from my bed too fast. Too fast that I just suddenly saw the hard floor below me and felt its coldness against my cheeks. I stared again at the person at my door to confirm if the boy who called “hyung” is my brother. I didn't care about the embarrassing floor kissing scene that just happened because that's not the point here.

Hyung. Junhong just called me hyung.

"Uhm if you're busy, maybe..." He trailed off. He even said more than a word! I saw him slowly closing my door, the light from the hallway slowly fading. Panic immediately overwhelmed my whole body.

"No!" My hands were sweating, cold, and slightly shaking.

The door stopped moving, and Junhong looked at me.

"Don't go, no- I mean, it's fine." I pushed myself up on my unstable feet and swiftly threw the sheets on my mattress. "I'm not busy. What is it?" I smiled, which kind of turned out like an awkward cringe.

Of all the times I had to lose my cool, it had to be the time when Junhong started talking normally again. I mentally cursed myself before I approached my brother.

"I can't sleep. And..." He paused, opening the door wider. And suddenly it was my turn to feel uneasy. I fidgeted, picked at the loose threads at the hem of my shirt, and resisted the urge to make my brother speak faster, despite being excited when he finally started talking normally to me. I can't look at his eyes. For a second, I was so lost on how to act in front of my brother.

Junhong sighed.

"Nevermind hyung. It's nothing." He turned to leave, and like it’s on auto, panic washed me like a wave. The door is starting to close again.

"Wait!" I almost yelled from panic and urgency. I just can't leave it at that. "Youcantellmeanythingit'sfine!"

"Hyung." Junhong said, and sighed once more. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

He has always been like this.

Don't worry.

Worry about yourself.

You're funny hyung.

Hyung, I'm fine.

Nothing's wrong.

"Junhong." I inhaled and exhaled, trying to steady my breathing. "I…I’m so tired of hearing "I'm okay", and "Don't worry". You…You’re anything but fine! It's okay to not be okay and…and it's okay for me to worry. I'm your brother! You don't have to worry about me worrying about you. You can say anything... everything that's bothering you."

It was the first time that I didn't wish for him to smile, to laugh, and to joke. I want him to tell me the truth, what he feels. Why is he sad? Why is he alone? Why is he like this? I waited for some kind of reaction, but Junhong didn't look at me. I don't know if he doesn't want to, or he just can't. Was it that hard for him to depend on his own brother? To depend on me?

"Hyung." He said. His voice cracked at the end. "I told you that I'm fine because I really am. I'm just..."

"Just?" Junhong was quiet for a second, and he stayed like that for a while. I was desperate – so desperate for his answer, yet I am scared to hear what it was. Panic. Fear. I can't explain why my hands are shaking, why tears are starting to well in my eyes. "Just what Junhong. Please."

"Su-Suffocated." He stuttered.

"With what?"

I saw him holding the doorknob, about to leave, but I grabbed his right elbow. "Junhong."

"With life." He said; his voice barely above a whisper.

“Junhong, I- ” I know I had to say something to keep him from leaving. I’m sorry? It’s fine? Everything is going to be alright? I don’t know. For some reason my mind stopped functioning on its own, but then I realized…it’s because I really do not know what to say to make him feel better.

Junhong looked at me as if he was waiting for something else, but when he realized that I don’t have anything left to say, he opened the door and left quietly.

Seeing him like that makes it look like his whole being is screaming 'Leave me alone', but his eyes say otherwise. It was as if he wanted me to tell him something but I can’t and I can't move to stop him again. I had my chance, but the door closed and the tears fell.

The soft sounds of music player filling the room. Everything is back to how it was before he came.

No signs of Junhong.

No signs of Junhong standing.

No signs of Junhong talking.

Empty. Silent. Dark.

Cold.
 

My eyes were stuck at the doorstep, where Junhong stood a minute ago. I let him slip from my grasp again.

Wait. I can't just let him go. I can't, goodness! Yongguk, think! Think! Use your brain! You can't let him go again!

"Yongguk." The door opened.

"Junhong!" I exclaimed, but the person at the door isn't my brother. "Mom?"

I still haven't thought of anything. Right now, I just have to rely on my guts.

"Why-"

"Junhong. Where's Junhong?"

"In his room. Yongguk, you should-"

“I’m sleeping in Junhong’s room, goodnight!” I pursed my lips and dashed past my mother with one thought in mind: Junhong. I got a hold of his hand when he decided to talk, and I had to grip it tight if I don't want to see him walk away further from me.

Reaching my brother's door, I slammed it open. "Junhong."

Junhong looked up from his book and scrunched his face at the sudden intrusion of light in his dark room. I don't know what he was doing before I entered, but the veins almost popping from his hands and his white knuckles told me how hard he gripped his book - as if he was so furious at its pages.

It was almost scary for me to see my younger brother like this.

"Hyung?" He moved to sit up but I told him to stay. "Sleep."

He tried to move away when I lay beside him. "Stay. If you can't sleep, hyung is here."

“You don’t have to do this, hyung.” He said, as he placed the book on his bedside table. He laid on his side, his back facing me.

“I have to, Junhong. I want to.”

We stayed quiet after that, and somehow the intense emotions of panic and urgency that have washed over me a while ago, disappeared. I was effortlessly calm, knowing that my brother is not pushing me away.

“Junhong-ah.”

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?” I know I’ve asked him this question for so many times, and I know he isn’t okay. But I just want to hear him admit that he is not okay, without caring about how I would feel if he tells me that there’s something wrong.

I heard Junhong sigh, irritated. He turned to his other side to face me and glare at me. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop asking questions that I cannot answer!”

I looked at him for a while and noticed the cheeks that were wet and the eyes that were filled with anger and hurt.

“Why can’t you, Junhong? Why can’t you answer me?”

Silence. He answered me with his silence, and I saw him averting his gaze to somewhere else.

“You can’t answer me because you think you have to lie and tell me that you’re okay. But you got tired of lying, Junhong, so the question became harder to answer.”

“I hate you.” He spat hatefully, eyes squinting from the new tears building up at its edges.

“You don’t Junhong. You can’t hate anyone.” I gave him a small smile – a smile that I don’t want him to return. It was a smile I wish would calm him down instead, like how his smiles do to me when I’m depressed and stressed.

“Do you remember Junhong?” My brother stayed quiet, but I know he is listening. He always listens. “Mom and dad always told us to do this when we’re sad.” I held both of his hands, and placed them together.

My hands over his.

“They told us to pray, and that were not alone Junhong. Do you still remember that?”

Junhong continued in not answering my questions, but my hands were starting to feel wet after what I asked. And soon, his shoulders started shaking; body starting to curl up into a smaller ball beside me, and sobs getting louder as each second pass by.

“I’m sorry…” I heard him say between his sobs. “I’m so…so sorry. Hyung, I’m sorry for – for – for being a bad brother. I’ve caused…so much – so much stress and … I’m just so sorry.”

I took my time looking at my brother’s face – how skinny he got, how stressed and helpless he looked like. He looked so down and so beat up with everything. How can I not notice him changing? “Junhong, who said that?”

Hoping to calm him down, I hugged him closer. “You’re such a precious younger brother to me. You’re such a great brother, and son Junhong. Anyone would be blessed to have someone like you. Funny, humble, caring, loving, patient. What are you saying now, Junhong?”

“You’re lying. I’m not funny, hyung. I’m annoying. I’m not humble, I’m noisy.” He whimpered, his sobs slowly dying into small hiccups. “I…You know how much I want to see everyone happy hyung, but I’m – I’m just annoying them even more. I became someone who seeks so much attention. I started becoming someone I’m not, until I became a nobody to anyone, everyone. I don’t care about others, and I only care about myself. I’m not a nice person, and it’s better if I’m…if- if…if I’m gone…so I won’t get to bother anyone.”

Annoying.

Nobody.

Gone.

These words felt like small piercing daggers to my heart. How can he think so lowly of himself? Junhong, my brother, has confidence and always believed in whatever he does. Junhong, my brother, always has high self-esteem.

And now, he only has such words for himself.

To think that I have done nothing to prevent this from happening.

“Junhong, you’re not an annoyance to anyone. You’re too good for your own good.”

“Is that why no one takes me seriously?”

And he looked straight at my eyes. What.

“Everything I say is a joke. I have no right to have any problems. I have no right to feel depressed. Hyung, I’m tired of talking with no one listening. I’m tired of convincing myself that someone cares. I don’t know who to trust anymore, hyung. People don’t need me because I’m their friend, they become my friends because they need me, hyung. I’ve become a toy anyone can use and can throw anytime. I’m tired of telling myself that it is okay. I’m tired of smiling, crying, talking. I’m tired of waiting for someone who will understand – someone who will not say that I am just overacting, overthinking, and being oversensitive. Hyung…I’m scared that I might come to a point where I’d say I’m tired of living. I’m scared of feeling tired, but…hyung.”

He shuts his eyes, and grabs a fistful of my shirt as he buries his head on my chest.

“Hyung, I’m tired.”

I can only hug him closer, hoping to tell him that his hyung is here to listen, and his hyung actually cares. Thinking of the best way to let him feel how important he is to me and to our family, I remembered what he asked me before and what I had asked myself then.  

Hyung, what is it like to be alive?

Before, I thought I had to answer it like a life guru. But I know I just have to answer it as Junhong’s older brother, as the Yongguk who my brother can confide on to.

“Junhong, this is what it’s like to feel alive.”

“W-What?”

Silence took us under its wing again, and Junhong looked at me as if his life depended on everything that I will be saying. I just smiled at him, and wiped his cheeks dry, only to see new tears forming and falling again.

“To feel alive, you have to stay alive, Junhong. And to stay alive, you have to feel alive. And…Junhong to do this, we have to feel life not only by breathing, by moving, by talking, but by being human – by feeling and experiencing what life has to offer to us. Junhong, it’s okay to be happy, be sad, feel tired, be frustrated, be depressed because it tells us that we’re living and we’re alive enough to feel hurt, happy, angry, and sad. Junhong, I can’t tell you that it is going to be okay after this because I’m not God who knows everything, I can’t guarantee anything Junhong. But it will be okay, soon and it will come to us. I know we’ll get better, we’ll get through this. We’ll do this together, alright?”

I never had the right answers to questions about life, maybe I never will. But when I opened my mouth to speak, I know I just had to be honest in everything that I want to say to him these days. I know that besides helping Junhong, this is also a step for me to move forward and to do what I told my brother.

 “Toge…Together…”

“Junhong, I’m always here and mom and dad too. It’s normal to ask for help.” I told him, but his eyes were suddenly glazed with angry tears.

“You’ll tell me it’s just nonsense! No one would actually listen.”

“I don’t think it’s nonsense.”

“Hyung.”

“Junhong.”

“Hyung you don’t understand! I just can’t waste anyone’s time anymore!” It was just then when I realized that Junhong was separating himself from everyone because he was scared to be rejected even more. And all the self-guilt these days came from his fear of hurting us further with the walls that he started building to protect himself.

“Junhong.”

I have no time to blame myself for being ignorant. All the blame cannot erase the pain that Junhong experienced, cannot change what has already happened. All that’s left to do is to move forward and tell this person in front of me how much he matters to me, and how much he should matter to himself too.  

“You’re…You’re worth more than you think. What other people say and think about you doesn’t matter Junhong. You know yourself the best. Love yourself Junhong, because if you don’t we’d be going back here again. We, my goodness Junhong…we need to move forward. We need to. And the first step is to love ourselves Junhong, let’s stop blaming ourselves, let’s stop looking at ourselves like we’re a piece of crap, because Junhong…we are not. We are so much more Junhong, and we should be the first one to see and appreciate that. Junhong, do you understand me?”

Holding his face with both of my hands, just to make him look into my eyes just made us look like a messed up pair of lost boys in a world people keeps on complicating. We stayed like this for minutes, and both of us did not care how ugly we were sobbing – that time we knew we had to fix ourselves slowly. And not like the usual sticky tape that we would always use to cover everything up.

“Just how damaged are we?” I heard my brother chuckle when the spasms finally died down, wiping his own tears with the blanket covering his body.

“I don’t know. There will always be some super glue and other adhesive, Junhong.” I smiled back, my eyes starting to get heavy from the crying earlier.

“But don’t people get hurt and sliced open if they try putting the broken pieces together?”

“It’s only like that if it’s glass.”

“But people are fragile, hyung. Like glass.”

“Then it’s better than leaving it scattered and it’s better than feeling nothing at all.”

“Because we’re alive?” He asked, sleepiness slowly seeping under his eyelids.

“Yeah. All of these come with life.”

“But we’re so broken, I’m starting feel numb.”

“That’s why we’re fixing it one by one Junhong.” I fixed his blanket and lifted it up to his chin, before I pressed my lips on his forehead to wish him goodnight.

“Together?”

“Together.”

Sleep well Junhong.

Let’s wake up well tomorrow. 

A/N: Thank you so much for being so patient with me. Thank you for reading, subscribing, and commenting! I hope this fanfic actually makes sense. It was a fanfic that came out after more than a year of resting from writing and making plots, so it is really crappy but I hope I left something. Thanks to Char unnie for always supporting me <3 God bless everyone!