Yongguk’s POV

“Junhong-ah”

“Hmm?”

“Nothing.” I smiled, and watched him as he changes the channel on the TV. I didn’t hear anything much from Junhong ever since I heard his voice at the chapel. He would answer yes or no questions, but would stay quiet again if a question requires him to say more than one word. I did my best to act normal though – so he wouldn’t be pressured.

His voice was still soft, and would crack sometimes, he would still have no emotions on his face, but I tried not to worry about it too much. At least we’re making some progress…that is what’s important. Right?

I am already relieved by the fact that I can hear his voice again – at least once in a while. Even if his voice is different from before everything started. Even if I still can’t hear him call me “hyung” yet. Even if there’s still a long way to go so I can hear his laugh. I’ll be fine with what is happening now.

Yongguk hyung.

But I just want to hear him call me hyung again.

Okay, Yongguk. There’s no need to rush. I just have to believe in him and in myself. It’s something that I promised that time at the chapel – to stop doubting, and start believing. 

“Uhm?” Junhong started, still focused on changing channels on the television.

“What is it Junhongie?”

“Nevermind.”

Nevermind.

This was the third time he tried calling my attention and brushing it off again like it was nothing. These days, it has been obvious that something is making him like this. And although I am quite glad that he is slowly using his voice again, I still cannot shake off the feeling of frustration whenever he hesitates to talk to me about a certain thing.

So I tried taking another step. Hoping I can land a foot on it, without backing out.

“Junhong-ah…” He didn’t show any sign of listening to me. I still continued though, and watched him as I speak.

“You…” He suddenly faced me and looked at me right in the eyes. And I got lost in what I want to say. “You…uh…it’s – it’s unhealthy if you always keep some things to yourself. You know that right?”

He nodded.

I bit my lip and sighed even if I already expected that wordless nod. I want to hear more from my brother.

 “Uhm, Junhongie…”  

“Yeah?”

“You should…” Tell hyung what is bothering you right now, I want to help you. I stopped, thinking of what I am going to do for the second time. “…sleep soon. It’s getting late.”

He might not be ready yet. I cannot force him like this just because I want to make myself feel reassured. I should wait. That’s right, right? That’s the best for now right?

To wait.

I can only wait.

I hope I had more options.

And I hoped I didn’t hesitate when I told myself to make the next step.

It was Sunday afternoon when I knocked on my brother’s door. He didn’t come out for breakfast and lunch. I haven’t seen him since last night and I’m starting to get worried. Did something happen? I didn’t do anything wrong last night, did I? I didn’t say anything wrong, right? Mom and dad told me that Junhong kept ignoring them since breakfast, and I just can’t calm down.

“Junhong-ah, are you asleep? You haven’t eaten since last night.” I leaned my forehead on his door as I wait for a reply, as if doing it would make me know what is going on at the other side. “Hyung is worried. Are you okay?”

I stayed there for a few minutes, and all that I got was a red mark on my forehead for leaning on my brother’s door for too long.

“I guess you’re sleeping then. Come out for dinner later, okay? Hyung will be waiting.”

Taking a step back from the door, I started heading back to the living room only to be stopped by the sudden sound of footsteps coming from my brother’s room. I rushed back to check if Junhong came out, but only met the closed door once again.

Checking the watch across the living room, I decided to wait in front of Junhong’s door until he opens it and comes out of his room. I stared at his door for a few minutes, before sitting in front of it – sighing, as I lean my head on the wooden piece that separates me from my brother.

Junhong never liked staying inside his room.

There’s nothing to do inside, he said.

He was never like this even when he stopped talking. So, why is it like this now? I tried to calm myself down, before thinking of what may have caused this. Was it something that I said? Was it something that I did? Or was it something that I didn’t do? There were so many questions.

I kept myself busy by thinking of what I did wrong, asking no one in particular all the questions that have no answers. Nowadays, it always kills me that every thought about Junhong would bring out such negative doubts about me and about him. My brain was suddenly set to constantly drain the negative thoughts every single second, and I’m afraid that it might start to malfunction if I don’t do anything about the problem as early as now.

The sound of the door creaking stopped my thoughts. It sounded like someone had just leaned on it at the other side – and I immediately thought about my brother. Clearing my mind of any pessimistic thoughts, I quickly reached for the door knob but stopped at the sound of a muffled cry.

“J-Junhong?”

And it stopped.

I don’t know how many times I’ve stared at the door today. But this was the hardest time to leave my eyes off of it. I know I had to give him some privacy, but I still hesitated on leaving my spot.

“I…” I really have to give him some space. If he’s in my place, what would he do? How should a good hyung act?

Closing my eyes, I know I had to do something – so I decided to lie.

“I…I’m going out to buy some chips, okay?”

Lying to my brother wasn’t my forte, but I hoped for my lie to work even just for this time.

I made up some footsteps sounds that would make it seem like I already left, and went to the front door to close it before tiptoeing back to his room. I waited to hear something from Junhong. It was quiet for some time…and then it came.

It wasn’t muffled like the first time I heard it. His sobs were heard clearly, and I had to resist the urge to cover my ears because of how heart-wrenching it sounded like. Junhong never cried like this, not even when he got injured at a skateboard park, not even when he lost in a soccer game, not even when he failed an exam. Junhong never cried so hard like this.

Hearing his gasps between his shaky sobs, his unused cracked voice, his loud uneven breaths like he was short on air, made me want to bust the door open and hug him tightly like there’s no tomorrow. But I had to stop myself from doing anything unnecessary; because I know he’s going to keep it all in if he sees me.

I don’t want him to keep everything in. It’s unhealthy, and bad.

So I had to keep my feet steady, force my ears to endure the sound of my brother’s cries, and cover my mouth with my own hands to not make any sound.

I don’t know how long Junhong has been crying, but it seemed to have no end. Junhong was still crying and my own tears were ready to fall, but I can’t let it do what it wants. I can’t have myself bawling out this time.

I thought I could hold it in, until I heard what he has been mumbling all this time.

“I’m sorry Guk.”

My heart broke into pieces for my brother.

He didn’t talk to anyone the next day.

I was afraid that we had to go back to square one.

Luckily, that’s not the case.

“You sure you’re not hungry?”

“Mm.”

It’s a relief that Junhong didn’t go back to being mute. Although it seemed like he was using his voice more sparingly compared to when he started talking to me again. Right now, hearing the word “hyung” from my brother is not my priority. I just want to be someone who can lessen his burden.

It was ten in the evening when I decided to just stop doing my assignments and just lay on my bed. It’s not that I can’t understand all the numbers on my notebook, it’s just...it’s just that my mind keeps on flying back to my brother.

There’s nothing heard inside the room – just my own music player playing hip-hop songs, but I can’t concentrate. Music has always been something that makes me focus on anything, but all I hear is my brother’s cries. I can’t stay calm when my brother is definitely finding it hard to even speak normally to anyone. I feel so bad and useless. Junhong always knows what to do when I feel like . This is so frustrating and disappointing when all I can do is to scream my frustrations to my pillow.

“Hyung.”
 

What if I just play the “hyung card”?  He won’t have any choice but to tell me his problem. Maybe if I had talked to him the other day, he wouldn’t have to cry alone in his room yesterday.

“Hyung?”
 

Ah no, but that’s not good. I’ll just wait for him to open up to me.

“Yongguk hyung?

But, what if he wants me to be the first one to ask if he’s okay?

“Hyung.”
 

What if-

“Yong-“
 

“Ya! Shut up I’m thinking about – Oh. Junhong.” I smiled at him and stayed on my bed for a while, only to realize and complete process in my brain what was happening a second after.

“Oh my goodness! Junhong!” 

A/N: Sorry, it took so long. So many things happening in school :( I hope you guys are enjoying though. The next chapter is the last one. Thank you! God bless.