Yongguk’s POV

“You can’t help him.”

That was what Kim Himchan just told me. Kim Himchan, the craziest friend that I have, just told me that I cannot help my younger brother.

I gawked at him, and wondered if he ate something weird for breakfast. This isn’t the kind of answer that Kim Himchan would usually say. It’s just so negative, and...un-Himchan-like.

“What?” I searched for his face for a sign of hesitance or a sign of a hidden prank, but I only got a stoic and serious face staring back at me.

“I said, you can’t help him.” He repeated, as he dragged his chair in front of my desk and sat on it.

“What do you mean?” I asked again. My eyes never left Himchan’s face, who now found a place to rest his head on my desk. Seemingly unsatisfied with the hard surface of my desk, he lazily grabbed my backpack and made it as a makeshift pillow for his own nap.

“Are you even listening?” He muttered.

“I meant why? Why can’t I?”

“A person can only help after he learns to help himself.”

“Are you..Are you telling me that I’m helpless?” Himchan mumbled something, as he covered his head with his arms, making it hard for me to catch what he just said. I looked at my friend and waited for him to say anything more, but when I realized that he was starting to doze off, I instantly smacked his head.

“Yah!” I cringed when my voice came off soft and cracked. There was too much hesitation and fear. The words that I wanted to tell him were jumbled inside my brain, and couldn’t find a way to my mouth.

Himchan opened his eyes, but did not look at me. As if looking at me is taboo, his eyes wandered and found its focus on the door of the room. He stayed like that for what seemed like hours, like he was taking in every crack and scratch the door had. Knowing that he won’t probably be looking at me throughout our conversation, I averted my gaze on my own desk. I tried to force myself to bring his attention back at me, but I was too reluctant (and almost scared) to hear what my friend has to say.

“Yongguk,” Himchan started, his eyes stayed on the door.

“Mm?”

“Yeah, you’re helpless.”

“Um…” I feel like I was doused with a pail of cold water, yet my ears were starting get abnormally warm. I know I’m just asking for an opinion, but it was as if my hopes of helping my brother have gone 10 feet below the ground.

Himchan has a point. Himchan is right.

The helpless cannot help the helpless. You cannot give what you do not have.

I was starting to believe that I am not even worthy to say that I can bring Junhong back to who he used to be. I can’t even bring myself to ask Himchan why he thinks I’m helpless.

“But you’re not hopeless.” I heard him shift from his position, but I didn’t dare to lift my head. It was now my turn to look at every scribbles, every cracks, every scratch of my desk. My cold, sweaty hands became warm. It was as it was instantly covered with gloves, but when I averted my gaze to them, it wasn’t the gloves that made it warm. It was Himchan’s hand.

“You told me you’re scared, you’re angry, you’re lost. Scared people can’t help scared people. Angry people can’t help angry people. Lost people can’t help lost people. Both of you are scared, angry, and lost, but Yongguk…you have each other. Yongguk, you cannot help him but it does not mean you cannot do anything.”

“Himchan, I...” Feeling helpless, I could just close my eyes and hold on to Himchan’s hand tightly. “I don’t – I don’t know what to – to do.”

“Yongguk, Junhong is your brother. The best tactic is to have no tactic. You cannot help him because the only one who can help Junhong is himself. And the only one who can help you is yourself. Just…”

Himchan removed his hand on top of mine and I found the courage to face him, as I waited for what he wanted to say next.

“Just be there for him.”

Himchan smiled so warmly at me that I almost thought he could actually pass for being a mother in real life. His eyes looked so sorry and regretful for the things that he had to say, yet contented that he had told me everything. That was when I realized that Himchan was scared too – scared of what reaction he may get from telling me the truth. 

“You don’t have to be scared of telling the truth too.” I smiled back, thankful that I have a friend brave enough to overcome his fear in order to help me.

“I know. That’s why you got some words of wisdom from me idiot.”

“Hey.” I greeted.

Junhong looked at me, but didn’t say anything in reply.

It has been more than a week since the talk with Himchan. It has been more than a week of standing in front of Junhong’s classroom every break time. And looking at the lines drawn at the back of my notebook as I count the days since I started going to his classroom, it has also been more than a week of attempts that turned into awkward stares and glances. Weekends were even worse. I’ve been thinking of every plan, tactic, idea, or anything despite what Himchan told me on being myself, but it seems like my mind can’t just rest and leave it with no plan at all.

Today marks the eighth day of standing in front of my brother’s classroom.

I’ve been wanting to talk to him ever since that time in the library, but I always end up leaving before  he notices me.  And I guess nothing will happen if I keep on avoiding him too. So now, on the eighth day, I’ve decided that it’s time to stop counting more days and start acting on what I want to do.  

“Wanna eat lunch together?”

Junhong’s eyebrows furrowed, and he pointed at himself.

“Yeah. Himchan wants to come too but something came up.”

Junhong shrugged, and I just smiled. The walk to the cafeteria was quiet, but I was proud nonetheless. Having to interact with him even if I’m the only one talking is a step forward.  Even if all he does is to nod or shake his head, or shrug, or point at things, I was still happy at the fact that we had some time together.

“Do you want to do this tomorrow too?” I asked him, but he just shook his head as he ate the last meat on his plate.

“Why? Do you have something to do?” Junhong nods.

“Maybe –” I started, but the bell rang before I could even finish what I wanted to ask. Fearing that the atmosphere might turn awkward after the long ring of the bell, I cleared my throat, and smiled. “Let’s go back.”

Junhong wordlessly followed me as we both placed the plates and utensils at the counter of the cafeteria, and walked our way through the running students at the corridors.

Going back to his classroom was the same as going to the cafeteria. No words. No sounds. I just watched him as we walk side by side. Aside from the sudden muteness, nothing changed at all. The blinking habit that he has, the way he rolls his sleeves up to his elbows. Seeing him like this, quiet and serious, makes him look more mature. I feel like he has been growing up so fast these past few weeks. I feel like I’m looking at my hyung and not my dongsaeng.

I continued watching my brother until I bumped onto him when he suddenly stopped walking. I was about to ask why, but he pointed at the room in front of us. Following what he pointed at, I realized that we finally reached his classroom and warily laughed at how engrossed I was in watching Junhong during the walk.

I expected him to just enter right away but Junhong stayed at the door, and faced me.  

“Junhong, aren’t you going inside?”

He shook his head, and opened his mouth to say something. The anticipation of hearing his voice again was growing and I feel like I can burst from happiness anytime.

 “Uh…”

His voice came off so soft from its lack of use, but I didn’t care. It was still Junhong’s voice. It was still the voice that I wanted to hear. It was still my brother’s voice, so I waited for him to continue.

Junhong opened his mouth again, I waited. But after a few seconds, he just sighed and pointed at his watch. I almost wanted to tear up right there, but when Junhong turned to go inside the classroom, I immediately held his arm.

“Junhong-ah.” I breathed, mentally hoping that my voice didn’t shake. “Hyung is here to listen to you.”

I let go of his arm and ruffled his hair – hoping that I could relay what I really want to tell him. That I’m here to listen, and I’m here to share the burden.

“Always remember that okay?”

I saw him nod slightly before going inside. As I leave, I managed to give myself a small forced smile and tried to keep all the building frustrations and doubts inside.

I know I was just starting, so why am I feeling like I’ve already lost the game?

Am I that helpless?

A/N: Haha sorry. I'm really an author who gives slow updates. But anyway, as you can see, the chapter count became "/4". It just happened, sorry. I don't want to give readers really long chapters because you guys might be bored so I had to cut it into parts OTL. Thank you so much for subscribing and for commenting, and for reading! It's cool that some of you have some assumptions and all, but yeaaah...let's see. I'm editing chapters whenever I add another one hehe (_ _") mian. I hope you're having a great time reading this. God bless!