Yongguk’s POV

I can’t remember the day he stopped talking, the day he stopped throwing jokes, the day he stopped sharing stories. I can’t remember the day when silence was the only thing you hear at home, when his voice was erased out of the existing sounds in the world.

I can’t even remember the day he last talked to me, the day he stopped going out during weekends to hang out with his buddies. Although it was good news that he finally focused on his studies, everything seems so out of place.

I can’t remember the day when he stopped socializing, when he refused to go out on holidays, when he stopped ranting about his skateboards and cherry tomatoes.

I can’t remember when it all started, because being the useless brother I am to him, I only realized that something was wrong when his smiles were already nowhere to be found, when his laughter was long gone. Lost and locked in a place nobody can see.

It just happened.

And Junhong…is not Junhong anymore.

“Yongguk, wake your brother up. It’s time for breakfast!” I heard my mother call out, along with the sounds of plates and glasses resounding from the kitchen.

“Okay omma.”

I walked down the small hallway leading to my brother’s room, and silently prayed that what is happening right now is just a phase and he will be back to who he was soon. Very soon.

“Junhong.” I knocked, but immediately realized that no one is going to answer since my brother is asleep.

I quietly opened the door and immediately saw the tuft of black hair under the thick blankets. It’s been so long since I saw him sleeping. Or was it just a few days? I don’t know. Recently, he always stays up late just to finish whatever assignments and tests he has for the week. It makes me proud to see him prioritizing school, yet why does it seem so wrong?

“Junhong-ah.” I slightly shook his shoulder and brought the blanket down to his chest. He turned his back on me and brought himself up with his elbows, without any word of complaints. I almost cringed at the silence between us, because silence never belonged to a place where Junhong is.

It isn’t like this.

It shouldn’t be like this.

Normally, he would whine and ask for another five minutes.

Normally, he would just bring an arm up and let himself be pulled up by me.

Normally, he would make me the one to help him get up and he would stay seated on his blankets, as he hugged me, and begged me to stay still so he could sleep more.

Normally, he wouldn’t do something even close to going up as soon as I call his name. And now he didn’t even say anything!

I watched my brother as he fixes his bed. Every day is a struggle for me to see him change day by day without knowing any reason why, so before he can even go out of the room, I quickly grabbed his hand. I just can’t let him go.

He looked at me. He just looked at me.

No ‘What’s up hyung? Missed me already?’

No ‘Hyungie-yah, I’m already hungry, let go!’

No ‘Is there something wrong? Want to hear my new joke? I’m sure you’ll like it!’

“Are you okay?” Those three words came out of my mouth right away. I wanted to ask him more. Heck I have so much to ask him. Why is he being like this? Did I do something wrong? Did something happen in school? What is wrong? Why is he not talking anymore? Why?

I looked at him, hoping he would speak up and tell this is just a prank on me – that he is just tired and he needs to unwind for a while.

But Junhong only nodded. He just nodded and left the room.

And I stared. I just watched him walk away.

It’s always like this. He’d only nod, shake his head and shrug. That’s all I ever get from him! He hasn’t said even a single word to me or to anyone else! I’m so lost at everything!

Saying that I’m frustrated is an understatement, what the heck is going on?! Huffing in annoyance, I stomped out of my brother’s room to the dining area, and pure silence instantly welcomed me. Seems like the daily jokes and stories coming from Junhong’s mouth are still sleeping. Maybe they are not ready to welcome me yet, but…they always always welcomed me for breakfast.

What’s different today? What’s different these days?

“Good morning.”

I dragged my chair noisily, creating a screech as its metal legs grazed the tiled floor. I was hoping to hear a complaint from my younger brother who usually doesn’t like it whenever I drag my chair but when I looked over to him, he was just quietly eating. I bit my lip and fake coughed.

“Yongguk-ah,” My dad looked at me weirdly, his eyebrows furrowed.  

“Yes?”

“Is something wrong? Stop fidgeting and just eat.”

What?

“What?” Stop fidgeting and just eat is all that he can say? I just cannot believe my ears, and I just had to show how irritated I am when I asked my father back.

“I said – ”

“I’m done eating.” I tried my best to suppress the anger and frustrations building inside me as I shakily left the dining table without even touching anything. I was shaking, and trembling from rage and fear; and I’m afraid that if I talk more, I might forget the word ‘respect’. 

But seriously, this! Why the heck can’t they notice that something has changed! There’s something obviously wrong about my brother! Junhong is usually the morning radio of the family!

Everything felt cold. This is not the same family that I lived with all my life. I glanced back at my brother before walking away.

I remember my brother asking me a question few years back. It was one of those nights when he had to sneak in my room because he cannot sleep. “What’s it like to be alive?” He said.

“I don’t know. Why ask? Aren’t you alive too?” It was a weird question coming from a grade school kid, but that’s what I told him. I never knew how to answer his question, but I was never the type to just leave without anything to say. So after a few seconds of silence, I added, “Well, you get to breathe. You talk. You move.”

“Is that all there is to living, hyung?” He asked again, but I just told him that he was over-thinking things and that he has to start sleeping. He didn’t ask anything after, and just crawled closer and mumbled. “You’re so warm hyung.”

“Well, I’m still alive.” I told him.

“Are people warm when they’re alive?”

“Yes, Junhong.”

“Then I want to stay alive, hyung. I love being warm.”

I still remember Junhong’s weird love for being warm. He was a clingy brother, reasoning that I am always warm and kept him warm. He loves wearing mufflers, and sweaters. Junhong always tells me that being warm makes him comfortable; that is why he still sneaks in my room even when he does not have any problems with sleeping.

But that was a few years ago when he was a kid. The Junhong now is anything but warm. I feel cold…colder when I look at my brother’s eyes.

Because his eyes tell me he is living, but he is barely trying.

And I am afraid that it was starting to get tiring for my brother.

Library.

Junhong is smart, but I’ve never seen him inside the library just to study and read a book. He’s a genius, but he never goes to a library, always telling me that it will be a waste of his time and he’d rather bond with his friends when it’s his free time. As a matter of fact, I visit the place more often compared to him. You can say we’re the opposites of each other.

“Hyung~ That place is too boring for me.” He told me once.

“Don’t you even know what the meaning of “fun” is? Life is about having fun! Having fun! Loosen up hyung.”

That time he asked me why I always go to the library and not hang out with Himchan instead. When I told him that the library is not that bad, he said it is too quiet and being quiet is not his thing. Of course! Being quiet is not his thing. He talks every second, every minute, every day even when he sleeps!

My brother doesn’t like libraries, but why do I see him sitting here alone with a book on his hand right now?

It is lunch break and normally he’d be with Jongup and the others laughing off some talks at the school’s cafeteria. I knew something was off when Jongup didn’t even notice that Junhong wasn’t with them. Did he fight with his friends? Why is he not with them?

I walked closer and watched my brother.

Quiet. He said being quiet is not his thing, but being quiet is all there is to him these days.

I continued to watch him. I feel so pathetic. I can only watch and watch and see him change. I can only look. I feel so lost. I didn’t notice the tears that started welling up in my eyes, ready to fall any second now. He’s holding a funny book, but he isn’t smiling. Is he even reading?

This is not Junhong.

It’s that feeling again. I feel so cold even when the air conditioner is low. It feels so cold and quiet.

So quiet I could even hear my heart slowly breaking.

Breaking…aching for my brother.

Junhong is lost. This is not Junhong. I’m going to find him and forcefully bring him back.

The tears fell down when I realized he wasn’t really reading the book. His eyes are focused on the pages, yet he isn’t looking at it. He is here in front of me, yet I couldn’t even feel his presence.

Wiping my tears away with a fist, I pulled up the smile that he usually has whenever he calls my name. I felt another pang on my chest when I asked myself if he’s going to call me hyung with a smile again, if he’s going to ever say ‘hyung’ again.

“Junhongie~” Hyung is here.

He looked up at me with those eyes. Cold.

“Yah, don’t look at your hyung like that. Don’t you like to see me?” I jokingly said, and pinched his cheeks. He looked down to his lap as soon as I said that. I was expecting the dimpled smile that I missed so much, and the smiling eyes that never failed to make my day.

I didn’t see it. And I miss it so much.

He stood up to return the book back to the shelves and I waited for him, unconsciously grabbing a fistful of my slacks in anger? I don’t know. I don’t know what I am feeling right now. I wanted to cry out so loud and ask him why he is being like this. Why am I like this? Why can’t I do anything for my brother?

“You’re going back to your room?” I forced the happiest smile that I can manage when he has returned the book. He only nodded in reply.

I didn’t expect any more from him after he nodded to what I asked, but he brought his hands up to my cheeks and gently moved his thumb to wipe something away. I’m sure I’m not crying that time. My cheeks are complete dry, but it was like he knew that I cried a while ago. It was like he knew a tear had skidded there before and he had to wipe it away for me.

“Junhongie, what are you doing?” I asked, and held both of his hands to bring it away from my face. He looked at me, and I swear, I swear I saw him smile a little before he walked pass me.

He smiled, but why does it feel so wrong? So out of place?

Because his smile wasn’t that of happiness, or concern, or anything.

Junhong smiled a sad smile.

His smiles are always of glee, contentment, satisfaction, love, and…happiness. He never smiled a sad smile because he said smiles are contagious, and if he smiled sadly, people will be sad. So he always smiles in happiness so people will be happy.

He said it’s his way of curing the soul.

And my brother is right. Junhong is right, he is always right. Because when I saw him smile the smile I was never used to see him doing, the tears that I held back came flowing down again. But Junhong is also a liar.

He didn’t tell me that smiles are too contagious – too contagious that it affects people a thousand times stronger. I cannot even move to grab his hand and make him stay, to hug him, and to atleast give him some comfort. I was too scared to tell him that everything will be okay, because even I cannot seem to believe that it will.

Then again, I felt cold.

Cold when I came in.

Colder when he left.

Even colder when I cannot do anything to make him stay.

What kind of brother am I?

I can’t find the courage to pull him up from the waters and save him from drowning, and yet here I am, claiming that I can bring him back to keep him breathing…and living. 

A/N: Hi, I know it's late. I'm sorry. I hope it's worth the wait and I hope I created a sad mood hehe. I'll do my best to finish the 2nd part as soon as possible. Personally, I think this is not good enough so there will be some edits here and there soon. Thank you for your patience. God bless!