Yongguk’s POV

Having arrived from school with no one to greet you at home has never felt this depressing before. The dark living room feels so empty than it already is.

“I’m home.”  I whispered to myself. No one is going to answer back anyway.

I claimed the couch and threw my things to the floor. Seeing how scattered my bags are now, I laughed at myself when I remembered how Junhong usually nags me about taking care of my things. 

Yah! Hyung, be careful with your things!

You shouldn’t throw your bags, hyung!

The pages of your books might be crumpled!  

Junhong cared about the big things, the serious things, the weird things, the little things. He cared so much about everything, like a hyung. Now that I thought about it, Junhong really became more like a hyung to me than I’ve been to him. I’ve lived comfortably with Junhong, and was distracted on how close we are as siblings. Now is the time that I have to act like a real hyung to him, but even with the effort that I am doing to be a better hyung, I feel like I’m already failing.

How I wish I’d hear those words again.

It has been a few days since Junhong almost talked to me. We never had lunch together after that because he has been busy with projects. I understand that, but I hope we can still have some time together.

I’ve gone back to counting days and adding lines at the back of my notebook, and sighing. Himchan has been starting to get frustrated with me sighing almost every other minute. I would just tell him to ignore me every time he complains.

“Yongguk?”

“Dad?” I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw my dad at the doorstep of our house. He always go home at midnight. The only time we see each other is at breakfast.

“Aren’t you home too early?”

“No, Guk.” He closed the door behind him and smiled gently as he found a seat next to me on the couch. He leaned comfortably and I watched him quietly. The old man seems older these past few days. Even my mother looks like she has aged an additional 10 years. My dad always had a tired expression painted on his face. It has been a while since I saw him smile. He always works so hard, until dawn so he could support our family. And even though I am upset that he doesn’t notice the change in Junhong, seeing him smile somehow made me feel a bit less depressed.

“Junhong will be mad if he sees your things, Guk.”

“What?” My dad closed his eyes, and stayed still.

“Junhong hates it when you just throw your bag like that, right?”

I nodded, but immediately realized that he will not see me nodding at him. “Yeah.”

My dad smiled again, but kept his eyes closed. He stayed like that for a minute, and I almost assumed that he had already taken a short nap until he suddenly said, “Is there something you want to tell me, Guk?”

“Nothing. What’s there to talk about dad?” I never had anything to talk about with my parents. I do well in school. I do not go out much like the others. The only thing that I talk about with them is their membership in the school’s parents’ committee.

“You have.”

“Dad, I don–”

“Junhong.” He cuts me off, and I immediately looked at my dad. His eyes are now open, and looking at the center table like it is the only thing in the living room. “I know you’re worried about him. Your mom and I are worried too. We tried talking to him sometimes and all he says is a yes, a no, or an I don’t kn –”

“Wait wait wait.”  He just said Junhong said something. That’s just impossible! He never talked to me. “Junhong talks?”

Hearing how strained my voice was when I asked him about Junhong, he held both of my hands and talked softly. “Yongguk, Junhong is a bubbly kid. He has been the family’s loud mouth ever since. But, Yongguk…don’t feel upset that he does not talk to you. You don’t know how sad I felt because he had to force himself to talk with us because he doesn’t want us to know that something is wrong.”

“Dad…” My dad sighed, he was looking more tired than usual. His cheeks have lost some fat, and his eyes have been lined with darker circles. “I…I’m just so worried for Junhong and I feel so…so stupid because I can’t do anything as his hyung, dad. And it hurts…it hurt so much to know that a dongsaeng has taken care of you more than you have taken care of him. I…I just…”

When the signs of tearing up started, I couldn’t continue what I wanted to say. As I focus on keeping the forming tears at bay, a pair of arms pulled me in an embrace and I met the warm shoulder of my father.

“A hyung knows and understands his dongsaeng well.” I heard him say. “And Yongguk, you know Junhong so much. You understand him much more than anyone. If you keep thinking that you’re a bad hyung, do you think Junhong would be happy?”

I shook my head and gave in to my tears.

A hyung.

Hyung!

Gukkie hyung!

I always like it when Junhong calls me hyung. The word hyung has a great impact on me. It felt good to be called ‘Hyung’ and I’m happy to be Junhong’s hyung.

But hearing it now is different.

I find it hard to breathe.

I feel suffocated.

A hyung understands his dongsaeng well. Maybe I don’t understand Junhong well enough.

I could hear my dad whisper some things to me but I was too focused on keeping myself calm to even understand what those were.

School became ten times more boring, and a hundred times more tiring than usual. The clock hands became painstakingly slow and every day becomes a constant wait for break time, since that’s the only time I can see Junhong in school.

I still wait for it, because that’s the only thing that I can do. That’s the only thing I’m good at.

To watch him, to look at him.

To wait.

I still go to Junhong’s classroom every break time, despite knowing that Junhong has something to do. Recently, I’ve seen him with his classmates. And although we cannot see each other because of them, I still feel a bit relieved.

At least he’s not alone in the library again, staring at some kind of book that he is not really reading.

Three hours has passed after break time, and I am sitting my last few seconds in today’s class. When the clock finally showed 4:00PM, I stood up and made my way out of the room as I whispered a goodbye to Himchan, who just replied with a nod.

The hallway is filled with high school students chatting and teasing each other. Some boys are grouped in one corner, deciding on where to go after class. Some girls are leaning on the window frames, caking themselves with make-up that will never make them pretty. Nothing excites me, it was boring. For some reason, these days, everything feels bland and plain.

Sighing, I rounded the corner of the last office at the ground floor of our school building and saw our school’s chapel. The table cloth of the altar was changed and the flowers that decorate its front were different from yesterday. I glanced at my wristwatch.

It’s still a bit early to go home. And I have nothing to do.  Nothing will hurt if I just stay for a few minutes.

I am not really a religious person, but I have to admit that sitting alone in this quiet place helps me somehow. When I was a kid, mom and dad would always remind Junhong and me to always pray before going to bed. It’s just like any other child’s life when they were young. Back then, I never really knew what to pray about – everything was about the new toys and the new games that I knew of. I would just ask for new playmates, and for Junhong to grow up fast so we can play the same games together.

I had no problems to pray about. Life was too easy when we were young.

Now I find myself praying again, but this time I know what my prayer will be. A prayer for something that I am afraid of, a prayer for someone I treasure, and a prayer for myself.

In this place, no person is listening. No person will be judging.

And although I have spent so much time thinking by myself, I have more time and space to think of what is bothering me here in an almost isolated place, without caring about anything. Without worrying about how random objects and things will just make me remember Junhong, and blame myself.

Without worrying about my assignments, my parents, Himchan, and my brother.  

I stayed seated and thought of what is wrong with me. What I blame myself of. What causes my distress.

I blame myself for degrading myself. I blame myself for having no confidence in what I do. And I hate that I had to do this to calm down, like I’m a depressed person. I hate that everyone comes to my aid and not to Junhong. I hate that I receive the attention and not my brother. I hate that I feel so helpless, powerless in front of him.

I hate myself for not believing that I can be a good hyung.

And I hate myself for being scared.

So I prayed for courage, drive, and love.

The courage to face my fears.

The drive to keep going.

The love to start loving myself, and others.

I don’t know how many minutes I was sitting here, looking at nothing in particular. But it felt comforting. The calmness was short-lived though. Someone sat at the other end of the few, and I automatically looked at who he was – and I saw my brother.

“You…”

I want to ask him why he is here, but I decided not to. Seeing my brother makes me scared, and the stress in my system was building up, despite reflecting so much about what I really feel. Surprisingly, he sat beside me. He is still quiet as ever, not uttering a single word, always looking straight. We were weird – looking like brothers who sit beside each other but not having any eye contact, like it’s our first time meeting in our whole life.

Seeing him closer makes me more scared…and guilty. The thought of losing my brother brought chills to my spine. I remember telling myself that I would bring him back to who he was before, and I remember blaming myself that I was not good enough. I remember being so motivated, and I remember backing down.

Junhong is precious to me.

With someone underserving like me, I still do not want to lose him, so I spoke up.

“You know, you can talk to me right?” I did not become a hyung to him before, but maybe I can finally be a hyung now.

Junhong didn’t react to what I said, so I continued.

“If…If you need someone to listen, I’m here.” I know I cannot stop here, now that I am already talking to him about opening up. I was thankful that I was calmer than usual.

He nodded, and stayed quiet. I studied his face. The once youthful glow became a serious and tired face of a high school student.

“I know you’re not going to do anything stupid, because you cherished life more than anyone in our family. You’re not one to just give up on living just because of a problem that can be solved.” I started, as thoughts of Junhong attempting suicide suddenly invaded my mind, but I pushed them aside.

I have faith in my brother, I know him.

For a second, it was suddenly clear in my head – the drive to bring him back, to keep him alive.

“After all…we have to stay alive to feel alive. We still don’t know the answer to our questions Junhong.” I told him. “Right?”

I smiled when I remember his question about living. I was not expecting an answer, but I saw Junhong opening his mouth.

“Yeah.”

And suddenly it became easier to breathe again. 

A/N: Almost a week late for this chapter OTL I was supposed to finish this last Friday :( Sorry. It's kinda long, but I hope you're liking it so far! :) Also, see the chappie number? It's (#/5) now! Haha it was originally a oneshot, then it became a twoshot, then fourshot(?), now it's five! Thank you for subscribing, commenting, and reading. I hope I can finish the next one fast, but I have 2 long quizzes next week. I'll stll do my best! God bless!