A/N: Once again...I AM SO SORRY FOR POSTING THIS SO LATE. I miscalculated who I was hanging out with and for how long... Sorry :| Also, while you're reading it, some stories Taeyeon may bring up may sound absurd... I shouldn't believe everything on the Internet, but I'll be honest with you some of these stories are based off those 'SNSD Insider secrets'. Yes. They've come up once again in my stories. I can't help it! They sound so believable! Well... I don't believe them, but they make sense for the story... Sure. 

Enjoy[:

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Jessica's PoV:

I laid back down on the couch to continue the letter. My heart was aching, but I wanted more.

It was a new color.

Wow. I don’t think pens run out of ink that quickly.

[Please, I can probably name a billion reasons why you’d want to stay.]

Oh, really? Yet none could keep me in SNSD.

The letter went on and on. I thought it was silly, but touching, how she actually listed many legit reasons. They weren’t very fight-worthy, but it made me take back my comment about how I wish she could’ve acted as a friend.

A lot of these excuses were very… member based. How we were the only people to understand each other. Our inside jokes. Our arguments. The moments we shared together. I loved these reasons because it truly showed how she cared for me and the group, but I’ll admit, it’s not something to bring up to SM.

As I read the next pages, she listed many stories within reasons. They made me laugh.

 [… Even though I’m still mad about how you woke me up on Running Man with that spray, I’m glad you’re one of the few members not scared of me…

...and I know you never deleted those pictures of us changing in the dressing room! You better not show them to the world or I'll lose my trust in you!...]

They made me tear up.

[… Anyone can tell I’m protective over Fany, but I wanted to let you know that till this day, she still wears your guys’ couple ring. We shouldn’t be inseparable. Our bond shouldn’t have been broken… ]

They made me realize what I’m missing.

[… You were one of the biggest dorks and pranksters. Who are we going to prank by slipping cucumbers in her salad or in her room? (Although, I sometimes think you’re just overreacting :P) I’m not going to lie, seeing your reaction made me forget my stresses because I could come home to people like you guys.]

I’ll admit, I hated when they played a joke on me, but I loved the laughter they would bring in the dormitory. I loved the retorts we’d never let down. I loved playing jokes all over the place and never get tired of them.

I miss them.

And I’m not talking about the pranks.

Them.

I miss them.

[… I swear, you and our Kwon Seobang were the only ones that could keep each other sane. I know already that things will not be the same with the empty bed in our dorms. Things won’t be the same with the extra space at our dining table. Things won’t be the same on the airplane, tour bus, or car.]

I started tearing up again. I grabbed some tissues that I picked up while getting water.

I had already felt the pain.

When SM told me that my SNSD promotions were over and I sat in the van all by myself to go to the dorm, my heart felt like an orphan wanting to be home. I sat in the group van. All 8 seats were empty and I knew things wouldn’t be the same anymore. There was no one to cry with. There was no one to talk to. Everything was over. I wanted to know why everything had to happen the way it did, but I knew my actions were a huge cause. I didn’t think I’d be in this much trouble and now I faced the consequences.

Wow. This is the first time I accepted that this was partially my fault. And the first time I wished I could turn back time. Nothing can replace my members.

[As much as we didn’t like and we teased you about it, I can already tell how much it’s going to kill us to see one of the front seats with an already sleeping Jessica Jung.]

I laughed bittersweetly as I passed the 10^th page. I looked back to see paragraphs upon paragraphs, scratched out words, different colors.

Oh, and I began to realize that the different ink colors were not because Taeyeon ran out of ink, but from different days she decided to write. I could tell because with a new color came a new story or a new penmanship (which probably depended if she was writing on a plane or the bus or at night). The use of ink last from writing a sentence to writing a full page.

It was hard to believe that she had better writing this letter for days, but this evidence proves her alibi.

Taeyeon-ah. I’ve honestly been thinking about you, too.

[And these, are the two most important reason why I wouldn’t want to let you go from SNSD:]

When I flipped to the 11^th page and my heart dropped. Not only were two large paragraphs were written for her two reasons, but there were smudges and partially wrinkled areas on the paper. Previously, they appeared every once in a while, but they were frequently showing up on these last few pieces of paper.

I hadn’t realized it earlier, but these areas of smudge and wrinkled paper were wear wet marks.

These were the spots where Taeyeon cried.

[For some odd reason, if I was already pissed off at your tired attitude right off the bat,] Taengoo, sorry for always making your mornings a living hell. I’d never wake up on time. I hogged the bathroom. I rarely ate your breakfast and I always dismissed that it would be horrible. It probably tasted good, huh? [you’d manage to make me smile somewhere through the day with your dorkiness. I can’t ever stay mad at you. Even if I don’t show it, you make me feel happy to be members with you. You get under my skin both in a good and bad way. For some odd reason, your dorkiness prevails over the other members. A lot of the time, I looked annoyed at you, but I still don’t understand you, Jung Sooyeon. In a good way. I still don’t understand how our SNSD’s Ice Princess won’t be judged by her cold image, yet goes home being a complete dork. I guess dozing off during programs gave you energy at home. Hmm. I guess I’ll never really know.] I smiled at her comment. I knew Taeyeon was very irritant and I tended to be the cause of it, so I tried to cheer her up with aegyo. It just so happened to appear… snarky. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be that way! Well, I’m glad it worked!

But I understood what she was trying to say, she just didn’t want to be rude. I had another realization of how hard it must be to be leader:

I realized how unfair it must’ve been for her. I showed up to shows and get to use the excuse that I was tired, then go home with so much adrenaline. For many of the other members, it’s the opposite, especially for the leader. They’d be pumped up for the fans, go home tired, and still be criticized for what they did.

I’m sorry you had to go through that Taeyeon-ah.

[Lastly, and I hate to admit this the most out of all the things I’ve said,] Ha. You have said a lot. [but when we sing together, I think it’s the most beautiful thing we could give to the Sones.] I smiled and teared up a bit. It was true. Out of all the members, I enjoyed singing with Taeyeon the most. [The singing line has their own unique voices, but clash with mine every once in a while. With you, when the producers tell us that we’ll be singing a chorus or bridge together, I feel really happy inside. You have a pure-like voice and can reach unimaginable pitches that I wish to achieve one day, but when we sing together, it’s as if everything is in sync. We make each other seem stronger. We’re not competing for who’s best. We become one voice.

And I let that all go.]

I frowned as I read that line.

Taeng, I let it go to.

[So please don’t think I or any of the girl wanted you out of the group.] I don’t anymore. [It’s a little relieving to know you are free and can follow your dreams, but it honestly feels like I cut of a vital organ our organ.

Another thing, I can tell that you just wanted to regain trust and sisterhood together and I’m sorry I probably ruined that. Even if it’s tomorrow or when we’re ahjummas when you forgive me, I still can’t forgive myself.]

I put down the papers again.

She had another ambiguous point.

As much as we would like me to come back, it’s not simple and clean. I spent so much time trying to get out. We’ve spent so much time getting over it. I’ve wasted so much time remaking a name for myself.

I just can’t go back.

Not now.  

[Ha. When I think of it, it’s like were in some crazy drama. The way I see it, giving you was feels like the biggest mistake in my life, but I know it’s best for you.]

I’m not sure about that anymore, but hey, I love you, too Tae.

[You may think I’m some sort of backstabbing friend who constantly uses the ‘leader role’ as an excuse for all my faults, but I’m also a regular person that just can’t control everything.]

Heh, you were weak, but I’m used to it. Our bond used to be strong enough to hold us up.

It still can be.

[I don’t expect you to believe me right off the bat. I don’t expect you to miss me or the girls or the girls after what I put you through, but know that we’ll miss you like a dog misses their owner after a long vacation.]

But I do.

I miss you like crazy.

[Sica, know if you’re lonely or if you just feel like it, the dorm room will still be forever open to you. The spare key is in the same spot as it was before. I’ll even try to contact you if we move. Even if you can’t believe this, Sooyoung hasn’t touched your bed ever since you left. (Don’t tell her I told you that though). She’s even slept on the couch in our living room and even in Tiffany’s room. Our manager even told us he planned on having us move to a smaller apartment since we don’t need that extra room, but I try to make sure that doesn’t happen. I don’t know. I still have this hope that you’ll show up in the bathtub sleeping and when you wake up, you’ll tell us everything was a horrible nightmare and that you were just sleeping this whole time and we can just continue on with our lives.]

I was touched to read this.

But honestly, I’m scared to go back. Taeyeon says they miss me, but can I go back with open arms?

[I know it doesn’t work this way, but I just wish]

I looked at the scribbles. The phrase was rewritten many times and it’s still left unfinished.

You wish what, Kim Taeyeon?

Damnit, you can be selfish!

You wish none of this happened, that everything was back to what is was in 2009, before the drama, with the country in love with us.

When everything wasn’t so complicated.

I know why you crossed it out because I’m also semi-glad that what’s happened is happening.

Like you said, I’m free!

But, I’m also lonely.

[Please forgive me about the whole drama and musical fight which led to your removal from TTS. Some things were fair, most things seemed unfair, but I tried to stay logical. I didn’t mean to be so biased at the time. I even asked SM if we could make the sub-unit group a 4-member group but they just persisted with 3. Now that I think about it, I can’t even imagine how popular and famous we could be with your voice included. I think SM missed out in that opportunity. I know I missed out on that chance.]

I cringed at the story. I tried to believe her. I tried to just forget everything.

It doesn’t matter now.

[You know, seeing how you were able to escape SM without plummeting into social suicide surprises me and makes me feel horrible for the fact that I couldn’t fight for you.  

You might say I was probably the weakest member in SNSD, but trust me when I say this, it took all my strength to you let you go.]

Tae, I may have said that a lot, but I really hate it when you say it to yourself. I didn’t even fully mean it when we said it.

It took all my lazy strength to leave you guys, too.

[Sica, I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I hope that wherever you go in the future, I hope you’re really successful. At this point, I don’t care that SNSD’s image will honestly be stuck with you and whatever you do may harm or help us. Now that you’re out of here, do what you want to do. Whether it’s designing 24/7, singing solo, acting, being an MC, or taking a break, just do it with a whole heart.

You have a thick head, but please call or text us. You know our private, secret phone numbers and emails. We’re still going to be busy as , but we’ll make time to talk to you.

I really hate the company more than I already do. Not only were we not allowed to compromise or talk about this together in the office, but he didn’t even let us say goodbye. I swear, if I knew sooner and had the power, I would’ve dropped that fan meeting in China. I would’ve wanted to explain so it didn’t seem we talked behind your back. I’m sorry if it feels that way. We wanted to talk, we just never had the chance.]

I chuckled. She’s always something immature like this. It almost sounded like when we used to horse around together, making executive decisions we both know wouldn’t even happen.

It’s a new color.

[It’s almost nearing Christmas and I realize that maybe all this babbling won’t mean anything. I highly doubt that you’re going to come back tomorrow. There’s already so much in front of you and I shouldn’t take that away, as much as I want to.]

As much as I want to.

[And it’ll be obvious. What kind of homecoming would you get?] I sighed. I guess my doubts can be confirmed. [Let’s be real. After SM confirmed everything and you magically decide to come back, SM would just work your off, maybe even more than usual for going through all that trouble. You fought so hard to get away. I don’t want to seem like I’m pushing you away,] You’re not. You’re being logical… like Seohyun. [but relax while you have the chance.] Now you sound like Yuri and Hyoyeon. You guys really talked about it, huh? [You’re going to think something humble, like it wouldn’t be fair to come back, but trust me, we won’t care. I guess, it’s one of those philosophical things about finally missing things when you lose them. (As you can tell, your leave had me thinking a lot with all these sayings.)]

Taeyeon, you can be a fool at times. Hehe.

I flipped to the last page and my heart dropped for the nth time. I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to relieve those memories. I wanted to make more.

[I’ll just end it here. Look at this monster of a packet. I hope I didn’t lose any papers. I’ve been writing this in my private time. It started as a brainstorm/diary entry, but it turned into this.

I hope you understand my intentions. Please understand that the reason why the other members aren’t included in this only because this is something special that I wanted to do for you. Who knows? Maybe the other members did give you something and I don’t know. After the first week of shock, the girls were basically inseparable, but we decided to spend some times to ourselves to think.

Oh yeah. And please don’t be mad at any of the f(x) members. I won’t tell you who, but we kinda squeezed your whereabouts from one of the members… No we didn’t abuse her!]

It was Luna, huh?

[Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Jessica Jung.]

Merry Christmas Kim Taeyeon.

[I hope this year will be successful for the both of us. I hope, that we can at least clear things up and amend some things because our friendship did mean something to me.

Stay safe and warm,

Kim Taeyeon]

I gave the letter one last looked and put it down.

Tears continually streamed down my face.

This isn’t goodbye.

I went to the coat rack to get my phone from my purse.

I think they’re filming for Gayo Daejun.

I checked the time.

7:18 PM. It’s almost time to pick up Krystal.

Honestly, I’m not ready to see anyone.

Honestly, I want to talk to Taeyeon.

I called Krystal.

No One’s PoV

“Yobosaeyo?”

“Krys. I don’t think we can meet up later. I’ll just meet you at mom’s house.” She paused. “I need to get mom a gift,” she lied.

Without her knowing, Krystal knew she was lying because she was right out Jessica’s door. And, she was there when Jessica went to buy their parents’ gifts together. She rolled her eyes, “It’s okay. I'm running late to my dorm anyways.” She sounded slightly irritated. She was playing mailman for the SNSD members. This was actually her fourth delivery for the day.

“I’m really sorry.” Jessica sniffed unintentionally.

Krystal sudden felt sympathetic. She knew her sister was missing her members and she knew Taeyeon’s would hit her the hardest. “No. I’ll really fine. I’m just tired. I’ll see you later.” Then she hung up. “You better like Yuri’s gift because I was supposed to give it to you.” She said as she walked away.

Jessica looked at her phone again. She went through her contacts to find what she was looking for: Byuntaeng~<3

I could at least leave a message of thanks.

She called and heard the dialing tone, her heart racing.

She heard a click. “Yobosaeyo?”

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A/N: Dude. Technically this isn't supposed to be over, but hey. I could end it here[: I'm adding something on, but I'll say it's an extra chapter~ You can read on, but I feel like this could've been a good end.

What would I add? Hello! Jessica only read the letter! She didn't open the gift in that big read box! And she called Taeyeon! Aren't you dying to know what they say to each other? NO? okay then... 

Hope your guys' winter season is playing out nicely[: I love 2015 so far!