A/N: I AM SO SO SORRY for leading you guys on and breaing my promise D: I completely also forgot about time zone and tried to finish this as quick as possible.

Sorry if it's not the best for I rushed it. I know I should've put quality work into this story, but honestly, I've been working hours upon hours to finish it with the right emotions. It's very conflicting so I'll just go with what I have now since you guys have been patiently waiting[:

Also, I'm splitting it, because the letter itself is like 7 pages and I still needed to add Jessica's point of view.

For persepective, remember that Jessica seems kinda shocked at the whole happening and I'd like to believe that she's bitter about everything. Taeyeon has some hard feelings for Jessica but is trying to apologize and explain herself. Yes, I'm going to go along the rumors that the two had beef in 2011 with the whole plastic surgery and sub-unit thing. Please don't think I'm trying to portray them as es to each other. If I am, please tell me, and I'll try to edit.

Happy New Years all my readers from across the globe! I actually have about 14 more hours until it's the New Year so, technically, I still have time :P

Try to bear the angst and aggravated emotions[:

Btw. The brackets [ ] designate Taeyeon's... gift. AFF doesn't give me a lot of options of font and they all look the same to me, so I put brackets so you could tell what was letter and what was Jessica's point of view. 

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Jessica's PoV

It’s been 2 weeks and 3 days since I’ve last cried about my leave from SNSD. I can’t tell you much about it, but it was a somewhat mutual decision.

I’d really like to pass on the message that you should be careful of what you wish for.

As many Sones may have noticed and what others may have read that for the whole 2014, I’ve been voicing out about how much I’d want to get married and leaving SNSD and all that jazz. To be honest, I’d say 65% of what I say is just talk. Yes, it’s what I truly feel, but it’s something I couldn’t imagine.

And to be honest, I still can’t believe it.

It’s something every member has thought about.

Early on, Hyoyeon admitted how much she wanted to leave SNSD and study dancing in America. Yoona wanted to drop out and focus on acting. Sooyoung wanted to venture in Japan. Sunny almost considered taking a break just to relax while MCing and being a host for her radio show.

It’s something everyone’s said! Yuri even admitted now that we’re they’re at the top, SNSD has no drive to go anywhere. SNSD has traveled all over the world. SNSD has experimented in many aspects of singing, dancing, acting, anything. What’s next? As trainees, we’ve always wondered what it’s like to be on top, but now that we they are, it just doesn’t seem as spectacular as we imagine. Now that SNSD is at the top, all we want to do is feel normal again. Being a kpop star has its perks, but with all the stress and disappointment, not even the fans’ motivation can keep us going.

Some may say that I have a different situation since I was able to launch Blanc and Eclar. To be honest, I was a bit ignorant on how far the fashion business would take me. I honestly thought that even though I was an SNSD I wouldn’t have an advantage. My only advantage was money. I was thinking of selling exclusively to Korea, starting small with accessories such as sunglasses and scarves. I’d never expect to be finding business partners around the world with where I was now. With that, I didn’t expect SM to force me to make Blanc successful right off the bat. Of course, being in SM, how would they be able to comprehend ‘no’? Long story-short, the fashion business and my life as SNSD’s ice princess couldn’t balance out. I was furious to find out that SM and the members wanted me to choose between the two.

I thought it wasn’t fair. If this was the case, why didn’t we kick Yoona out when she filmed for Love Rain? Why didn’t we kick Tiffany out when she prepared for Fame? Why didn’t we kick out Hyoyeon while she filmed for Dancing with the Stars? Manager-oppas always scolded the other members when they had other schedules because they lazed off when it came to SNSD. 

I planned to launch Blanc and Eclar. I was going to find a business partner to care for the company while SNSD actively promoted. Sure, filming for dramas or taking part in musicals were only temporary compared to a fashion business, but SNSD was still capable of putting on a show and bringing in the money for SM when schedules were impacted.

I had a plan… I wasn’t sure if it was going to work or not, but I already knew that if this fashion business didn’t work out well, I was going to drop it because SNSD meant the most to me.

Things changed, when my options were limited and I was suddenly thrown away by my family.

So Nyeo Shi Dae.

My face flinched into a bitter smirk for a short second.

One moment, I’m renewing my contract as a member. The next moment, I’m thrown out. Now, I’m staring at this present.

I walk to the counter to pick up the box and set it on the living room table. I look at the tag again. A tear escapes from my left eye.

Why did she send me something? How did she know I was here?

A majority of me just wanted to know what was inside. I honestly felt relieved that she gifted me something, whether it was cheap or not. Really, it was the thought that counted. I was glad to know she wasn’t enraged at me.

I couldn’t wait for Christmas. I needed to open this now.

I take another breath in and wiped my tear before opening this present.

I removed the neatly tied bow and took off the lid. The first thing I saw was a letter.

As I picked up the letter, I nearly lost it at how this wasn’t some petty letter, but a packet, all handwritten.

I didn’t even know she cared about me this much. I thought she hated me.

I flipped through the pages. There had to be at least 12 or 15 pages of handwritten meaning to this letter. It contained a handful of crossed out lines and short, one-line paragraphs, but still.

Where did she even find the time for this? She’s been busy cleaning things up and promoting. She barely even gets time to sleep.

More tears streamed down my face. Taeyeon was the last person I’d expect to give me this. I’d expect this from Yuri or Tiffany, maybe even Seohyun or Hyoyeon. From Taeyeon, I’d expect a letter, greeting me something generic, like ‘Merry Christmas’ or something, not a packet/letter and more.

I turned back to the first page, bracing myself for what I was about to read. My hands were trembling. I decided to set the letter down next to the box. My elbows rested on my thighs and my hands were straining my neck.

I didn’t feel prepared for this. I was scared.

[Dear Sica,]

My breath hitched. Taeyeon wasn’t speaking, but I heard her voice. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever hear any of the girls say my name like that again.

[Can I even call you that again? Are you still upset and mad about what’s happened?

Please know, I thought it was the best for us and the group.

Maybe I was selfish. Maybe I was considerate. Whatever the tabloids or the Sones think, I honestly am not so sure myself.

You know, being the leader is really hard, and we have discussed about how I shouldn’t be the leader, but it’s just stuck with me.

I talked to Tiffany about the situation. Go figure, huh? Yeah. I know you’d think that.]

I chuckled at her statement. Sure, Taeyeon had her faults as a leader, but she really did know each of the members.

[When we discussed further about your future, she became further… aggravated. Our conversation actually ended with us yelling. She was infuriated over the fact that it seemed like I wanted you out of the group. Honestly, I was just thinking of the ‘what ifs’. I thought of the other possibilities. You know, whenever I’d ask for or give advice, I’d feel the slightest optimistic that what I was told or said was going to happen. There was always a Plan B, Plan B2, etc. I knew SM was unpredictable, but I knew the outcome would end well.

But this conversation, it honestly felt like life or death. I was so unsure of what would happen.

And yes, whether you believe it or not, keeping you in SNSD was my life or death.]

I read that line over and over again. If I saw Taeyeon in person and she told that to me, I wouldn’t believe her. I’d think she was bluffing or being affectionate. This time, her feelings felt authentic. Her passion made my heart throb and I honestly didn’t like the feeling.

Then why, Kim Taeyeon, did this mess happen?

[I know. Too many years of being SNSD’s leader, and yet, I still have difficulties? I have difficulties leading the girls. I have difficulties representing not only SM, not only SNSD, but also who I want to be.]

*sigh* This was something I heard a lot, but this time, I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want her to doubt her leadership position at this time. She was a great leader. I, honestly, didn’t take her seriously.

Stop making me feel like this is my fault. It’s not your fault either. This is out of our hands. It’s SM’s fault.

[And yes, I know, SM basically has full control of our lives, but I’m trying my hardest to allow SNSD to break out of our shells and let us be free.]

All of a sudden, the pen color changed from black to purple. Did she run out of ink?

[I know, as leader and as a person, I’m not good at expressing myself that well, so please hear me out. I’m not good at explaining things so I hope you can catch along. This might as well be my last chance in a long time to explain myself.]

…my last chance…

A tear escaped my eye. I put the letter down and took a deep breath. Everything was overwhelming me.

I wanted to stop reading, I’m fear that I would just relapse, but this letter was like some drug that I couldn’t stop reading. It was the closest thing I had to the girls. I didn’t care if it was detrimental to my state of mind.

I was going to read this to the end.

[I want to make things straight that I never hated you or considered you my least favorite member. You just gave me complications.]

Wow, thanks.

Well, I did.

[And yes, I’ll admit, some things I decided upon were selfish, but some things were because I felt some things were best for the group.]

For some odd reason, I couldn’t believe this statement. Maybe because I heard it everywhere? As SNSD’s leader, she always decided what was ‘best for the group’, but I honestly hated the options we were given us and whatever our Kid Leader decided seemed to be biased. It was because Tiffany liked it or it made SNSD more appealing.

Sometimes, epscially at a time like this, I’d wish she could’ve been a little more selfish and decided things based on what her friends thought, not her members. Yes we worked, as members, but workers can be friends too?

At that moment, I realized a thing that Taeyeon probably had to deal with a lot in our 7 years together and I really gave her props for being able to do it as a leader. Damn, being a leader seems so emotionally painful and conflicting. You don’t know when to be fun or serious and the weight of the group is put on you.

I don’t think this is the first time I’ve thought about it, but this is the first time it’s actually hitting me.

['Why did you never seem satisfying to me?' you may ask.]

Yeah, Kim Taeyeon, why? I tried being your best friend, but you managed to blow me off. I just wanted to prove that I’m not always a lazy person. I can be energetic. I swear I’m not trying to take Tiffany from you.

Haha. Sorry. That comment just made me laugh.

Again, I took my eyes of the letter. I was smiling. I my emotions were engulfed by Taeyeon’s heartfelt words. I was ecstatic to know that she wasn’t acting like she hated me, even though it seemed like both of did. My mouth had a quivering smile, yet tears fell out of my eyes. Happy tears for the reason stated earlier. Angry tears because I’m mad she only expressed this now.

I could’ve gone 4 years knowing that you weren’t mad at me for making your life hell.

[Honestly, it’s complicated in my mind. As the years progressed, I really didn’t like how you were becoming more cold and lazy. I understand we’re getting tired of the same things, but it felt like you were just slacking off to piss everyone off. I hate to admit it, but seeing your cold complex aggravated me a little. It came to the point that most of the time, I only side I saw of you was your Ice Princess image.

I knew that this image of you wasn’t who you really were, but these days, it just seemed like that. On broadcasts, you’d just stare into space and smile when asked a question. At the dorms and when we flew overseas, all you wanted to do was sleep. You barely talked to any of the members; it felt like you were separating yourself from the others.]

Wow, I didn’t even really notice that myself. I thought I just said I was tired, but I guess I looked the part too.

[I guess as the saying goes, people change. I just didn’t expect you to change this much. I know you wanted out of SNSD, but it just didn’t seem like an option for any of the girls until we heard of your leave.

Honestly, I wasn’t completely against your fashion venture,] oh, really? [but when I saw the look in your eyes when you told one of the members about a new business partner or the completion of a project, I just felt like I couldn’t take that away from you.]

Look in my eyes? What? That’s something new.

[What look you speak of? It’s bittersweet to say that it was the same twinkle in your eyes when we first debuted. When we made our breakthrough in Japan and the US. That happy gaze when we interacted with the audience in our concerts. The look you used to have when we used to perform together. When you talked to us. We weren’t trying to come off rude, but we tried not to come off hurt.

You have no idea how much it hurts to see that that look in your eyes once belonged to us.]

At that point, I was bawling. I was reading the letter with tears, but by now, tears were just gushing out.

I never knew I was hurting the other member like this.

[Please understand that when I talked to Tiffany, the group as a whole, and to SM, we all thought of the best for you. Of course, SM did think of the best for SNSD, but it wasn’t something on my mind.]

I sighed again. Once again, she pulled the leader excuse of ‘what’s best for the group’. This time, I accepted it a little.  

[I know you’re rolling your eyes,] I laughed because I was about to [but I don’t know what SM told you.]

What SM told me?

[We didn’t vote to kick you out.]

WHAT? NO. Don’t try to save your or SNSD’s ! I gripped the letter to the point where I thought it would tear.

[We discussed with SM that they should either lessen our schedules (and I know, that seemed impossible) or control what you were doing with Blanc. We vented out how we felt about your tardiness and our voice about wanting to leave SNSD. But like our conversation about Yuri leaving to spend some time to herself, about Yoona taking a break to focus on acting, about Hyoyeon wanting to travel overseas to dance, and about me asking SM to let SNSD go on hiatus, the conversation ended as if Kim Youngmin-ssi didn’t want to hear the same story again.

I didn’t think that would push him to kick you out so abruptly.]

The tension lessened.

This was still unbelievable.

I couldn’t fully believe Taeyeon’s point of view, but her naivity was legit. Her argument was also pretty valid.

I set the letter down again. This was so much to take in. I checked the time. It was almost 6PM. I checked to see that I barely made a dent in the packet of Taeyeon’s confession. I went to the kitchen to drink some water, in hopes of calming myself done.

Why did she let me go then? How are the other members? There was so much more I wanted to know.

I was determined to finish this letter.

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A/N: So... did I do okay?

Happy New Years again! Comment me the country you live in so I know where my readers live :D I'm from Sacramento, California, USA.