7 눈물의yesterday
Tears of YesterdayTaemin and Jinki spent every afternoon together after that. If there were meetings with the band, Jinki would just skip it thinking that he wasn't really part of the band anyway. He had not talked to Jonghyun either. He thought they needed some time away from each other and as planned, Jinki wanted to spend more time with Taemin. He didn't know when his brother was going to leave and he had no plan on asking because he knew he would count the remaining days if he did.
Taemin was really happy to play with Jinki. They never had the chance to bond because, well, he avoided to for a few times then his brother had work, then Jonghyun and Amber were always there. He thought that it had always been better with just the two of them. They didn't need anybody else, apart from their parents, of course.
Taemin had never been that relaxed since he came back to Korea. He was comfy talking with his brother again that each night they would chat in his bedroom on his bed laughing like crazy fools reminiscing about the past when they were still very young or just laughing about their boring day or about a movie they just watched. And each night they would fall asleep next to each other. It was just like the old days and Taemin hoped everyday would always be like that.
Taemin prepared his things that Friday afternoon. They were going to Gyeonggi. Yes, they. Jinki was really going with him this time and he was really excited. He also packed his brother's things and only hoped that he packed the rights ones. He was still getting used to the apartment again.
He could really live that way again. Like the old times.
"Hyung!" Taemin cheerfully welcomed him home. Jinki instantly smiled when he saw his little brother. It had been so long since he last saw Taemin so happy like that. So bright. He missed that innocent and child-like face expression of his.
"You ready?" Jinki messed up his hair.
"Yeah," Taemin pointed at his rucksack on his back.
"Let's go!" Jinki smiled from ear to ear showing his white teeth and pushed Taemin out of the room.
"Your hair's getting long. Have a haircut soon, okay?" Jinki noted as he messed up Taemin's hair again when they were going down the stairs.
"Okay. I'll do as you say, hyung." Taemin nodded without pushing Jinki's hand away. He missed his warm touch.
In the car, Taemin pulled out the CD of Jonghyun's band. He insisted on playing it even though he knew Jinki wouldn't want to, but he really liked their songs. And he wanted to hear new music. He had been listening to the same songs for over 3 months and the songs were 5 years old. He nodded his head and tapped his hands on his thighs as he listened to the songs while Jinki was nodding his head a little too. He couldn't help it. They were all really nice. Of course, what did he expect from the best song writer he knew a.k.a his boyfriend?
"This is different." Taemin commented when he heard a slow and lullaby-like song.
"But it's nice and gentle. Like you." Taemin grinned and looked at his brother. Jinki faked a smile. Taemin could tell it wasn't a real smile. Is it a song for hyung?
Taemin jumped out of the car and ran through the gate and into the house. Jinki laughed before he got out and grabbed the backpack at the backseat. He then walked in.
"Mom! Dad!" Taemin ran to the kitchen knowing they were there from the smell of delicious food. He embraced his mom who was at the hub then his dad who was sitting at the table chopping some vegetables. Taemin was happy and it was really visible on his face. Mr and Mrs Lee felt contented by it. Then they saw Jinki coming into the kitchen. They both felt their heart melt. Their oldest was there too. Taemin did promise to bring him and they didn't expect that he'd really come.
"Told you I'd bring him."
Jinki and Taemin helped prepare dinner. Taemin helped his mom by stirring the pot while Jinki was chopping the vegetables with his father.
Jinki didn't want to be there but he knew being there would make Taemin even happier than he already was. And he kinda wanted to have his family back. He wanted everything to be back like how they used to be. And that maybe, in that way, Taemin wouldn't have to go back to Japan, Taemin wouldn't have to leave, Taemin would stay with them and their family would be together again. Maybe even he, Jinki, would find his way back to his parents.
"How's work, Jinki?" His father asked.
"Good. The kids aren't as naughty as Taemin." Jinki said and they all chuckled aside from Taemin who was creasing his forehead and was sulking.
"I've matured." Taemin said in his defense but it only made Jinki laugh real hard.
"He still sleeps beside me." Jinki told his parents that caused another huge laughter from everyone.
"No, no. You're the one who always fall asleep on my bed!" Taemin sounded so defensive. His mother just patted his back as she chuckled.
"He tried making breakfast this morning and broke my rice cooker." Jinki had a bunch of things to tease Taemin with and he wasn't afraid to reveal all of them.
"Hyung, I told you I'll buy you a new one." And Taemin had prepared some comebacks.
"He lost my headphones that I lent him because he misplaced his."
"I'll give you mine once I find it."
"How did you lose it, Taem?" His father raised his eyebrows.
"I don't know." Taemin sheepishly answered.
"This kid, really. You're still so reckless." Mrs Lee ran her fingers through his hair while he just focused his eyes on the pot.
"Same old Taemin." His dad added.
"Ah, you're teaming up against me. This is unfair." He was pouting but the three of them just laughed at him again.
The atmosphere was just so light. Mrs Lee could picture little Taemin and little Jinki as they continued on joking around. The beautiful past was coming back. It was such a wonderful evening for all of them. She wished it would forever be like that. All of them wished the same thing. Still, it would be Taemin who'd decide how their family would turn out in the future. His decision was the only one that counted.
"Hyung~" Taemin wrapped his arms around Jinki's waist from his back when he saw him standing outside the door and looking up at the starry sky. Jinki slightly smiled and patted Taemin's hands.
"Aren't you cold?"
"Not anymore." Jinki answered before he looked up at the sky again. Taemin slowly pulled away and stood beside him.
"It would be nice to live here again, don't you think?" Jinki asked glancing a little at Taemin and he nodded.
"Maybe we can just come back here and stay here forever." Jinki added heaving a deep sigh of contentment.
"Maybe we should. Maybe not now but in the near future." Taemin stated and looked at his brother. Jinki was smiling and with that Taemin knew he agreed.
"Let's go in. It's getting colder." Jinki tugged Taemin's arm and so they went back inside to their parents watching some late night show on TV. Taemin squeezed in between his parents. His father patted his head and his mother rubbed the side of his arm. Jinki crouched on the floor just below Taemin.
The next day, the whole family went out together. They went to the English Village and had fun. Jinki and Taemin felt like they were kids again playing and running around while their father kept shouting at them and telling them to stop because they were giving him and their mother a headache.
Sunday they stayed at home, resting the whole day together in the boys' room. No one was allowed to get up(unless they had to pee) in Taemin's order. Mrs Lee would casually asked them questions about their favorite things, about the food they would want to eat for dinner or for the next weekend. The two boys would tell her they'd eat anything she cooked and their father would agree.
"And that young girl, Amber, how is she?" Mr Lee inquired. Taemin blinked. He knew that question wasn't for him but, of course, it troubled him.
"She's alright." Jinki responded.
"You should invite her to come next time. Tell her we miss her." Mrs Lee suggested and Jinki simply nodded in response before he smiled. Taemin didn't know that Amber had grown fond of his parents.
"Mommy, I'm hungry." Taemin changed the topic before they could talk more about Amber.
"Can I get up now and prepare something?"
"No, I'll do it. I'll cook." Jinki announced and stood up from the bed.
"And I'll help. You two should rest." Taemin slid out of bed and pushed his brother out of the room.
They prepared a simple dinner for the four of them. They ate joyfully as if it was their last meal together. Because the boys would be leaving for Seoul again. Taemin told his parents they could come over and visit him any day and he'd be back next weekend so they shouldn't be sad.
Jinki went outside first as Taemin said his goodbyes to his parents. Jinki took that chance to call Jonghyun. After a ring or two, he only heard Jonghyun's recorded voice meaning only that he didn't want to talk to Jinki and so he sent him to his voice mail. Nevertheless, Jinki left him a message knowing Jonghyun would listen to it.
"Jjong, I'll be back in Seoul in 40 minutes. Let's talk in the studio then." He simply said with a really dull tone before he put down his phone and sighed deeply.
"Hyung, who were you talking to?" He didn't know that Taemin was already at the door. Jinki turned his head.
"No one," Jinki shook his head. "just left a message for Jonghyun."
"Do you think I should quit being the band manager?" Jinki asked that surprised Taemin. He couldn't understand how his brother got to that conclusion.
"No. Why would you? Because of me?" Taemin furrowed his eyebrows as he walked towards him. Jinki didn't answer instead he looked down on his shoes.
"We can still hang out. Maybe you can take me with you when there are band meetings or rehearsals. I like their music anyway." Taemin tried to convince Jinki not to quit. He didn't want to be the reason behind it. And he knew Jinki loved being the band manager. And it wasn't just because of Jonghyun.
Jinki dropped Taemin off in front of the apartment before he drove off to the band's studio. He was sure Jonghyun was already there waiting for him. He stepped out of the car and rubbed the sides of his arms as he walked in slowly. It was getting colder each day. And they still wouldn't turn on the heating system in the studio. How would he bring Taemin there if he knew he'd freeze to death?
"Jonghyun, are you—"
"Jinki hyung!" Jonghyun immediately dropped his guitar and got up from his seat. Jinki walked closer to him and looked straight into his eyes. Jonghyun couldn't tell what Jinki was trying to tell him with his eyes. For the first time in two years, he couldn't understand his eyes and it was scaring him.
"Are you... are you breaking up with me? Oh, please, no, Jinki, don't. I ca—"
"That's not what I'm here for." Jinki cut him off before Jonghyun could overreact and declare his "never ending" love for him and cry his heart out and beg him not to leave him and cry his heart out again. Jinki chuckled knowing Jonghyun was just about to do all of those. Jinki took Jonghyun's hands and squeezed them.
"I just—I'm really sorry for the other night. I didn't mean when I said you were childish. I'm the childish one. I shouldn't have acted that way towards you." Jinki apologized and gazed at his eyes again.
"Lee Jinki, don't you ever dare scare me like that again." Jonghyun pulled him in and enclosed him in his arms.
"I really thought you were gonna break up with me! Your voice mail, god, it scared the hell out of me!" Jonghyun was basically shouting behind Jinki's left ear. Jinki just his back and whispered "I'm sorry" for as many times as he could.
They talked for a while Jinki telling him how his days went on well with Taemin. He was so happy and Jonghyun could see it in his sparkling eyes as he told him the things he did with his brother for the past days. This was the happiest Jinki he had ever seen. Jonghyun then thought he was really wrong on getting jealous of Taemin because he was Jinki's brother and he did make Jinki the happiest. And that's what Jonghyun wanted, for Jinki to be happy.
Then Jinki told him about his plan to quit being the band manager. Jonghyun was gonna start his emotional and irrational speech again but Jinki stopped him and said that Taemin didn't want him to quit. Because apparently Taemin was becoming a fan and Jonghyun needed to give him an autographed CD or something.
"Let's go to your apartment then so I can sign that CD I gave him." Jonghyun picked up his music sheets and put them in his bag then he halted and looked at Jinki.
"That is, if you wouldn't mind..." Jonghyun timidly said.
"Let's go." Jinki extended out his hand that made Jonghyun grin so fully. He put the bag on his shoulders before he grabbed Jinki's stretched out hand.
<<<
"Jung Soojung, I haven't seen you for days now. Where are you?" Taemin called his friend as he placed the backpack on his bed. He kinda missed the mischievous girl. How could he not miss her when she was always around even if Taemin didn't want her to.
"With my family. We're in Busan right now. It's boring here but I have to spend more time with them." There was a bit of irritation in her voice that made Taemin laugh.
"I see. That's good. I've just come back from the province." Taemin calmly stated. He just felt good after that long and fun weekend.
"Yeah? Everything's good with your brother?"
"Not just good, everything's great! Super!" There was an obvious joy in his tone. Soojung was smiling. She had not heard that blissful tone ever. It was the first time. She wished she could see his face and how beautiful it was.
"I'll be back next week. Let's meet up then."
"Okay. Enjoy your time there."
"I will. Bye, oppa."
Taemin pulled out the clothes and stuff from the bag to put his things in order and so he wouldn't get teased on being too dependent and careless. He couldn't wait for tomorrow. He didn't know what he was going to do with his brother but he did plan on visiting him at the school he was working at. And he only hoped Jinki had fixed his problems with Jonghyun then maybe he could see the band play again. He really thought that everything was okay. Everything seemed perfect again, but Amber came over without notice. Taemin heaved a sigh. Everything was going well but Amber just had to appear and crash him.
"What are you doing here?" Taemin sourly asked without looking at her and just continued fixing his things putting the shirts in his drawer. He really couldn't understand how Jinki could just let her come in whenever she wanted.
"I... I don't know. I just..." Amber paused afraid to say what's on her mind.
"I just missed you." She finished her sentence but all she got from Taemin was a whiff. Taemin closed the cabinet and faced her.
"Missed me? What are you even trying to say?"
"That I missed you. Isn't that clear?" Amber sounded so hopeless that Taemin just chuckled foully before he turned his back. He then bended down and put the empty bag under his bed.
"Taemin, I know you remember me, I know you hate me but—"
"Stop." Taemin uttered when he knew where she was going with her words.
"No, Taemin, you have to listen to me."
"Stop." He said again.
"But I just want you to know that I—"
"I said stop!" He shouted and angrily looked at her. He grabbed her forearm and started dragging her out of the room and to the front door.
"Just go away. Leave me alone." Taemin said as he pushed her out of the door.
"We're doing fine. Hyung and I. Please, don't ruin us like you did in the past." Taemin's eyes were beggarly. They were shiny like his tears were ready to fall.
"Taemin, please, hear me out." Amber took a grip of his arm and it just angered Taemin even more.
"Don't you get it? I don't want to listen to you!" Taemin yelled at her and roughly pulled his arm away.
"Tae—"
"Don't touch me!" Taemin shouted before she could even lay a finger on him. Her eyes were already damp.
"Taemin!" Jinki was standing just meters away from them with Jonghyun beside him holding his hand firmly ceasing him from walking towards Taemin because he knew Jinki might punch his own brother after the scene they had just witnessed. Amber ran off crying.
"Follow her, Jjong, please." Jinki pulled away from Jonghyun. He nodded and ran down the stairs. Jinki looked at his brother. His eyes were already full of fear. Jinki's stare was so sharp that he felt like it was cutting him piece by piece.
Taemin rushed inside. Jinki didn't need to say a word to make him understand that he was going to reprimand him all night and that he wouldn't be sorry about it. Taemin sat in the middle of the couch and put his hands together as he place then on his lap. He couldn't look at Jinki because even without looking at him, Taemin could feel the intense glare Jinki was giving him.
"B-but hyung. Everything was fine without her. We don't need her ar—"
"Taemin, stop. Amber has become a big part of my life and I know of yours too. So why would you want to hurt her?" Jinki was calm but with desperation in his eyes.
"Why can't you just ignore her instead of causing her pain?" This time, there was rage in his voice.
"But she's hurting me—"
"She's not hurting you! She might have hurt you in the past but it doesn't mean you have to hurt her now out of revenge. When will you ever grow up, Taemin?!"
"When will you ever understand, Taemin?"
"Maybe you should try to make me understand! Because everything's just confusing! I'm so confused!" Taemin stood and started shouting at Jinki. He couldn't keep everything inside him anymore. He had had enough.
"You know a lot. You're my perfect brother after all. My brother who knows all about the world, all about life! The smartest, the most diligent, the perfect son! The best son! And I'm just your stupid little brother. And you know what's worse? I'm not even your real brother so I'm just the stupid kid trying to fit in your family." Taemin pushed him aside and walked into the bedroom locking the door behind him. Jinki was left in awe, his lips a little bit parted. Jinki didn't know Taemin had been feeling that way. He thought Taemin was copying him because he idolized him, but now he understood it wasn't just that. There was something more to it.
Jinki knocked roughly and furiously on the bedroom door. He needed to clear things up with Taemin even if there would be a lot of shouting.
"Step out of the room now!" Jinki continued to knock violently but there was no movement coming from the other side of the door.
"Have you always been so jealous of me?" He asked with a still tone. He didn't hear any noise but he knew Taemin was listening so he continued.
"You may not be related to us or you may not be my real brother but I've always treated you like one." Jinki paused and gasped before he went on.
"Mom and dad didn't play favorites. Why? Did you really feel like I was their favorite? You're an idiot then. You were freaking spoilt as a child! Don't you remember? They always gave you what you want." Jinki felt like he was talking to himself but he just knew he needed to say everything to Taemin.
"They treated us equally. Up until now. No, Taemin. They love you more than they love me. But did I ever complain? Did I ever get jealous? No, because I love you too, Taem. And I would give up everything for you even if you don't ask me to." Taemin felt his chest ache, like his older brother was poking his chest nonstop with his words.
"You're really foolish, you know that?!" Jinki yelled before he hit the door one last time.
<<<
Amber was still running and Jonghyun was just behind her following her and calling her name hoping she'd stop. After a few minutes, she started slowing down till she finally halted and gasped as she cried out loud. Jonghyun her back and held her side because he knew she could break down any moment.
Amber thought about what Taemin had just said. He was only blaming her. She knew he didn't want to blame Jinki because he wanted to fix their family and because he believed that Jinki was only a victim just like him. Amber's victim. He didn't want to inculpate Jinki because Jinki was his brother. And Amber understood that it wasn't just about her history with Jinki. She knew he was talking about the day she met Jinki, she met Taemin. She figured Taemin regret everything because he was right, Amber thought. He was right about him and Jinki doing fine until she came into their lives and changed their perfect brotherly relationship. She really believed she was a life ruiner. She was blaming herself as well.
"Come here," Jonghyun held her in his arms and let her sob on his shoulder. He, too, knew how much Amber suffered. Not just through Jinki's stories but he saw, he watched her cry once, twice because she dreamt of Taemin. She would always run to Jinki even if she knew he would only remind her of Taemin even more.
"I don't deserve this, do I, oppa?" Amber glanced at Jonghyun with her eyes filled with tears and pain. Jonghyun shook his head continuously feeling an ache on his chest as he stared back in her eyes.
"No, Amber. So stop crying. He doesn't deserve your tears either, okay?" He said wiping her tears with the back of his hand.
"Come on. Let's get you home." Jonghyun took off his coat and put it over Amber's shoulders.
Jonghyun called Jinki right after he sent Amber home. He reported that he made sure she had stopped crying before he left her and that she had calmed down. Jinki couldn't tell him anything about Taemin. He was still processing everything that had happened that night.
"I'm sorry you have to be part of all this." Jinki sighed profoundly.
"No, don't be. When I talked to you that day in the army, I made a decision. You didn't pull me into anything."
Did you know that while I was writing this chapter, I thought of turning this whole story around and make Onew and Taemin end up with each other? haha. Don't worry it's not gonna happen. I told myself that this wouldn't be like Endless Love Autumn in my Heart kind of story, if anyone of you had seen that. hahah
^This inspired me on writing the part where Taemin was backhugging Onew. I mean look at Taemin. He looks so cute and adorable and calm and Onew doesn't even complain and just lets him.
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