3 눈물의yesterday
Tears of YesterdayJinki and Taemin had breakfast silently. Taemin was acting cold towards him again. He figured out it was because of Amber. He knew Taemin recognized Amber. He knew Taemin was just pretending not to know her. How could he even forget about her when she was the only girl he had ever liked in his entire existence?
Jinki knew Taemin was mad. But he also knew that the younger never held grudges. So he would surely open up immediately. Jinki just needed to have patience and he needed to give him a little space. So if Taemin didn't want to talk, Jinki didn't try initiating a conversation. Jinki knew how Taemin's brain worked. He was just probably thinking of what to ask his older brother about Amber. Jinki laughed soundlessly with that thought.
"That girl from yesterday..." Taemin started as he lightly poked the floating tofu in his soup with his chopsticks. Jinki slightly smirked. He was right. Taemin had not changed even a bit, personality and nature wise. But his features changed. He looked much more mature but still so beautiful. He wasn't like a stickman anymore. He truly grew over the years.
"Are you dating her?" Taemin wasn't looking at Jinki but at his soup that were slowly getting cold.
"I don't know. I feel like you told me once that you're dating a girl." Taemin added. He was still the most obvious one.
"Uh... yeah, we dated. For a while. But we realized that we're better off as friends so we remained great friends. But Taem," Jinki was a little scared to ask but since they were already talking, he should just do it.
"You don't really remember her? Amber?"
"Kind of..." Taemin scratched the back of his head as he pouted his lips a little and move them to the side.
"I have so little memories of her." But truthfully, there were too much memories of her that his head was starting to ache. He couldn't keep them inside that maybe one day or another he'd blow up.
"Oh. Then maybe you should hang out with her. She'll be coming a lot these days." Jinki said before he finished up his soup. Taemin didn't reply.
"I'm not gonna be around always." He added and smiled. Taemin understood. His older brother had just graduated college.Finally. And he started working in a children's music school just a few months back(which is a little bit odd for Taemin because he knew Jinki wasn't very fond of kids). Taemin didn't know what his job was exactly but he could hardly care. As long as he was earning money and he was really gonna start an independent life. Taemin envied him a little. He could never be as independent. He was always the dependent one. The one who depends on everyone and everything.
"I already charged your phone. In case you wanna go out and eat something, I put some money in your jeans' pocket. If you don't know where to find me and I don't answer my phone, I wrote down Amber's number. She always knows where I am so call her. The water is hot if you want to take a bath. Don't touch the yellow towel 'cause that's mine. Yours is the blue one. I'll be home at 5 and I'm introducing a friend to you so be sure you're home by then as well." Jinki told him as he put on his sneakers and buttoned up his coat. Jinki opened the door and left that he didn't even wait for Taemin to say anything.
Taemin sat quietly on the sofa and stared at the TV. He could see his blurred reflection. He would clean the house up but it was already spotless. His things were the only ones making it look so messy. And he was afraid that if he touched an object, everything else would collapse. They thought Jinki was the clumsy one but the truth was that he was more prone to accidents.
He wished time would pass quicker. He felt like he had been sitting there for hours but it had only been 15 minutes. He didn't want to watch TV. He didn't want to get too comfortable in that apartment again when he was going to leave again anyway.
He called his mom in Japan and told her everything was okay. She asked him if he already wanted to come back but he didn't know what to answer. Somehow he wanted to but there was a small portion of him telling him not to go. Not to leave yet because he needed to be there for some unknown reason. His brain was telling him that the reason was Amber because he wanted to see her more. Scratch that thought. Then he called his other mom in the province and told her he was okay. He basically said the same thing but the difference was that he preferred talking to the latter. Her voice was like the female version of Jinki's. It was so calming. He could fall asleep just listening to her talking voice.
"Taem? Are you still listening?"
"I'm always listening to you, mom."
"Really now? When you were younger, you never listened to anything I said." Taemin laughed. His mom was right.
"If it wasn't for your brother."
"Yeah,"
"See you this weekend, my baby." She said sweetly. Taemin nodded like she could actually see him that moment.
"Bye bye, mommy."
[Autumn 2008]
Taemin and Jinki had just gone back home from school. Amber didn't come with because she had other things to do but she'd come later that night. Taemin was a bit surprised when he opened the door and saw his parents with two strangers, a couple, that had the same age as his parents. He embraced his parents before he let them in and called his brother.
They all sat down on the sofa. Jinki and Taemin were sitting on the chairs they took from the kitchen. Taemin had never been so confused in his entire life when he heard what his parents said. "We're not your real parents, Taemin." Those words didn't make sense to him. "These are your biological parents, these are your real mom and dad." Taemin creased his forehead and tilted his head when his dad told him that. He looked at his brother beside him. His eyes were wide open. It looked like he was just as surprised as him. So Jinki obviously didn't know about it either.
"But that's impossible. You two are my parents. Jinki hyung is my brother." Taemin didn't want to believe it. He would never believe or accept what they were saying.
"Right, hyung? You're my brother, right?" Taemin put his hand on Jinki's lap. Jinki nodded as he placed his hand over his. He didn't want to believe them either.
"Taemin, son—"
"No! I'm not your son! You're not my parents. Mom, dad, please." Taemin begged with his eyes so desperate. But they just shook their heads. Mrs Lee looked away and closed her eyes. She couldn't look straight at Taemin, neither at Jinki who was already furious. He just couldn't believe that his parents would lie to them like that.
Taemin rushed to the door. He wanted to escape because he just couldn't take more than what they already said. When he opened the door, Amber was there. He embraced her that caught her off guard. Something was wrong and she knew it. She thought he had a row with Jinki but later she found out it was worse than that. Jinki asked Amber to take him away for a moment. He said he needed some time alone with his parents and apparently Taemin's biological parents. Taemin actually didn't mind to be with Amber that moment. He needed some fresh air and he didn't want to deal with the unwanted truth.
After two hours, the two finally came back. They were still there but were already on their way out.
"We'll come back tomorrow, Taem—" the woman slightly touched Taemin's arm but he immediately pulled away. He coldly looked at her before he looked at the woman that he would never ever stop calling "mom". He ran to her and hugged her. There was no way he was gonna lose her. And then he turned to the only dad he knew and embraced him as well. He was doing everything on purpose. He wanted to show the two strangers that he only had one mom and one dad and a brother. He's a Lee, not whatever family name that couple had.
Jinki sat Taemin down. Amber was just beside Taemin holding his hand and not leaving his side. Jinki explained everything. How everything started when Taemin was born. His real parents, the Yoons, were so poor that they couldn't even feed him or dress him up. They couldn't even register his name. Mrs Yoon knew Mrs Lee from long ago and she knew they were a bit well off. She also knew she was very nice and generous so she asked for them to take Taemin into their family. Of course, the couple was hesitant. They already had Jinki, who was only four at that time. And they didn't really plan on having anotherchild. But when Jinki saw Taemin that day, in his carriage, ah, how his face lit up. He kept playing with the baby, he kept doing peek-a-boo and the baby would smile and laugh so brightly. But what Jinki liked the most was when he'd extend his point finger to Taemin and he would grab it and wouldn't let it go. The sight was just so beautiful. However Mr and Mrs Lee only agreed when Jinki said "I really, really like him," then he asked "can we please keep him?". They all thought that the two were meant to be brothers even if they didn't have the same genes or DNA.
Mr and Mrs Yoon left for Japan a week later to work there and Taemin, well, he stayed with the Lee family. Both Jinki and Taemin didn't know that they weren't real brothers since they were so young when it all happened. Jinki's parents were planning to tell them the truth but there was no sign of the Yoons. They said they'd come back and get Taemin soon but they never did. They never contacted them. So two years later, they finally registered Taemin as a Lee. But after almost 15 years, after earning enough money, they then suddenly decided to come back and get their son. They were planning to take Taemin with them to Japan.
"No." Taemin said firmly, his free hand forming a fist.
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you, hyung. I'm not leaving Amber noona. I'm not leaving mom and dad. Never." He was persistent.
"I won't let them take you, Taem." Jinki was already crying. He was wiping his tears with his sleeve. Taemin wanted to cry too but he couldn't. He knew Jinki would cry harder if he did. So he just let go of Amber and embraced his brother letting him cry in his arms. He knew Jinki was feeling all mixed up inside. He knew he was sad and mad inside. Because everything was just wrong. They were living a perfect life. Why did it have to turn out that way?
///
Taemin decided to go out because he was getting too bored there.
It was raining.
He hated autumn. He couldn't understand why the trees have to lose all their leaves and the flowers to disappear. Then it was always raining. He honestly preferred seeing the sun. He hated dark days because darkness always made him feel down. Dark days reminded him of sad days. The things he wanted to forget just kept coming into his mind.
He came back to the apartment after an hour because he couldn't take the rain anymore. He could just go out when the sun was out as well. But that day was just not his day.
When he got back to the apartment though, there was someone else there. He assumed it was his brother but he was wrong. He entered the kitchen and found Amber washing the dishes from that morning. There was a pot on the hub so he believed she was cooking something. Odd.
"Bad day we're having," Amber stated as she turned herself around to face him. Taemin didn't want her to notice him but he wasn't that careful coming in.
"Tomorrow will be a good day to go out." She said when she couldn't wait for him to talk. She didn't want to appear jumpy but she was. She couldn't help it.
But still he didn't speak. He just eyed her without even realizing it. He was just trying to memorize her face again. Because somehow it had changed but at the same time it hadn't. There was something different but it still gave him the same feeling. Looking at her face still felt the same. He still felt like he was slowly dying inside but it was okay because, at least, he'd die looking at her.
"Lunch will be ready in a moment so why don't you take a seat?" She said before she turned to the sink again and he followed.
Amber was the only one talking again. Taemin never replied to any of her questions. He just focused on his food. Well, he was actually listening to her talking voice. He had not heard her voice for seven years. He thought that hearing her voice in his dreams didn't count. Her Korean had improved. A lot. But she still had a funny pronunciation. Taemin stopped himself from laughing. He didn't want her to think that they were okay. He just couldn't be okay again like before. Everything had changed.
"Oppa's gonna bring Jonghyun oppa today, isn't he?"
"Jonghyun?" Taemin snapped out when he heard the unfamiliar name.
"Yes. Jonghyun. Jinki oppa's, uh, friend. Great friend." Amber didn't know how to describe him, frankly.
"They have the cutest story, you should hear it from them." Amber added before she took a sip from her glass of water.
"How can a story of two guys' friendship be cute?" Taemin murmured. He was acting all rude to her. He couldn't show his childish side like in the past. The past is over. And the child, he once was, was long gone.
"You're gonna like Jonghyun oppa. He's really nice." Amber just said before she started eating again. She just thought that maybe Taemin already had enough of her that day. That maybe Taemin was already tired of hearing her talk so she stopped. She could just restart the next day.
Taemin sat on the couch with one leg over the other and played games on his phone. Amber was doing all the house chores. She was vacuuming the floor, she was wiping the shelves and tables. Taemin tried not to care but he thought that she shouldn't be doing that since it wasn't even her apartment. Why was she even there in the first place? Nothing was really making sense to him. Everything was just confusing.
"Are you Jinki hyung's housecleaner?" He just had to ask. She chuckled covering with the back of her hand. She still had that mannerism. Taemin hated seeing her doing that. It was bringing back the past again.
"Oppa still helps me with uni stuffs. This is just how I pay him back." She explained. She really wanted to ask if he really didn't remember her. But she was scared that it might annoy him. She already thought that she herself was annoying so she tried her best not to be one. She couldn't be one because she had already caused him too much trouble in the past, she didn't know that she was still a huge trouble for Taemin even in the present.
<<<
"Can't we just tell him?"
"No, Jjong. Not yet."
"Why not?"
"Enough questions. Let's go in."
Taemin heard Jinki's voice from the other side of the door, and another of a stranger's. He suspected it was Jonghyun. He stood up from the couch when the two entered. Amber rushed out of the kitchen and welcomed them home. She hugged Jonghyun. It looked like they were good friends as well. After some exchange of greetings, the three of them walked towards Taemin. He didn't know whether he should smile or keep a straight face. In the end, his expression remained in between of a smile and a straight face.
"Taem, I'd like you to meet my friend—" Jinki started smiling from ear to ear as he glanced a little at Jonghyun.
"Awesome friend." Jonghyun whispered but everyone heard him.
"Yeah, awesome friend, Kim Jonghyun." Jinki was still smiling. Taemin found it odd. Why was his hyung all happy? Taemin stared at him from head to toe. He realized he was the guy from the photo he saw the day before. He was an inch or two shorter than Jinki. He was like a real bad boy. He dressed all cool with his ripped jeans and his black Metallica shirt unlike Jinki who always dressed up casually in any occasion. And his hair, it was in between black and gray or blue that he couldn't understand. What is so special about this Jonghyun?
"Well, he's my brother, Taemin."
"Nice to meet you, Taemin. I've heard a lot about you." Jonghyun bowed with a huge smile on his face, all his white teeth showing, like he was really pleased to meet Taemin.
"That's odd. Hyung never told me anything about you." Taemin didn't mean to sound rude but that was just how his tone turned out and he was only telling the truth. Both Jinki's and Jonghyun's smiles, even Amber's, faded. Somehow he hated himself for saying that. They were all so contented but he ruined their happiness.
"Why don't we watch a film? I bought a DVD!" Amber saved him.
"Set up the film, Amber. Jjong and I will prepare the snacks and popcorn."
Taemin threw himself on the couch again. What was he going to do? He just made everything awkward. For once, he saw his brother having a genuine smile, but he just had to destroy everything. He messed up. He thought of apologizing. But maybe when Amber wasn't around anymore because he really couldn't show her his nice side. He wanted her to think that his mean and ill-mannered. He wanted her to think that he had changed all because of her.
The four of them watched this action film starring Won Bin. Apparently, it was Amber's favorite because she had a crush on Won Bin. Taemin was sitting on the side his eyes only focused on the screen while the three weren't even watching. They were just chatting, laughing. Taemin watched them from the side of his eyes. Jinki was beside him and at Jinki's other side was Jonghyun. Amber was sitting on the floor and just kept looking up at the two as she talked to them. He felt invisible. But he thought it was better that way. He shouldn't even try talking since he might mess up again.
"He freaking left me alone in Jeju."
"Well, yeah, Taem came home after seven years. Seven years, Jjong!"
"Don't be jealous, Jjong oppa. Taemin is his brother."
And they were even talking about him as if he wasn't there. Idiots. He rolled his eyes before he stood up and went to the bedroom. There was no more reason for him to "watch" the movie with them. One of those days, he was sure he was gonna give up and would just go back to Japan. He wasn't happy in Japan, he wasn't happy there in Korea. But at least, in Japan, he didn't get to see the people that caused his sadness every single day.
<<<
He woke up at 10 PM. He was hungry. He must've fallen asleep thinking of the things that were making him feel bad for himself. He rubbed his eyes. Silence was surrounding the whole bedroom. He could hear murmurs from outside though. Jinki still had a company. He couldn't hear Amber's voice anymore so it wasn't Amber. It was a man's voice so he assumed it was Jonghyun.
He thought that it was time to apologize so he stretched his legs out before he stood up and slowly and quietly walked out of the room. He halted in the center of the living room when he heard Jinki and Jonghyun talking about him again.
"I still think we should tell your brother." Jonghyun started as he wiped the table while Jinki was at the sink.
"He'll find out sooner or later." Jonghyun added that made Jinki sigh.
"I don't wanna shock him... Just... not now, Jjong." Jinki felt Jonghyun's hand on his left shoulder massaging it but he pushed it away
"Look at me, hyung." But Jonghyun just put his hand on his shoulder again and turned him around so then they were facing each other.
Jinki's eyes were lonely, like he was about to cry. He was obviously hurting inside. Jonghyun wrapped his arms around him and let his head rest on his shoulder.
"I thought Taemin coming back will finally make you happy. Really happy. But why are you becoming like this? Why are you sad again?" Jonghyun asked but Jinki had no answer for him. He just heaved another sigh and closed his eyes as Jonghyun his back.
Taemin was being eaten by his guilt. He knew Jinki didn't deserve to be sad. He shouldn't be the reason why Jinki had to suffer. Taemin loved his brother and he would do anything to make him happy even if Jinki did him wrong. He was still his brother. He will always be his brother.
"Uhm..." Taemin walked into the kitchen so the two broke away from their embrace. Both looked away. They were even avoiding Taemin's eyes.
"Are you hungry, Taem? I'll just get you a plate and—"
"No. I... I just want to apologize. Uh, Jonghyun hyung, I'm really sorry for acting a little rude earlier. I was just tired." Taemin went straight to the point. Jonghyun patted the side of his arms and just gave him a half smile.
"It's alright, Taemin. I hope we can be good friends in the future."
"Yeah,"
"Well, I'm going. It was nice meeting you again, Taemin. See you tomorrow, Jinki hyung." Jonghyun strolled to the door while Jinki followed him. He put on his coat and sneakers and waved at the Lee brothers before he went off.
Taemin ate dinner while Jinki just sat and watched him while leaning his head on the table. Taemin couldn't eat comfortably though having his brother watching. Things had turned really awkward between them. But neither of them wanted it to be that way. Both wanted to mend everything, whatever there was to mend. Taemin missed his brother, the way he remembered him. He missed their banter and sweet actions towards each other.
"Hyung,"
"Yes, Taem?" Jinki raised his head.
"You and Jonghyun hyung. Do you work together or...?" Taemin was actually trying to start a conversation.
"No. I'm... Well, he is in a band and I'm the band manager." Jinki confessed and so Taemin's mouth formed an O. He needed to ask more questions to his brother because, clearly, he didn't know that much about him.
"I teach kids till 3 and I'm a band manager for the rest of the day." Jinki added some extra explanation for his little brother.
"Where did you meet Jonghyun then?" Taemin was more curious about Jonghyun. Well, he had to know more about him and how he became so important to Jinki.
"University and the army. He was just and still is always there. Always." Jinki recalled all the saddest and hardest days but Jonghyun never left his side. He was really grateful to him. And Taemin was too because at least his brother wasn't alone when he was away.
"I'll thank him next time for that." Taemin said half-jokingly. Jinki chuckled and sighed in relief. Taemin was really trying. He just hoped it would continue that way.
Third chapter up!
Yayy for puppy jonghyun releasing an album!!! I was actually hoping for a jongyu duet but everything is already perfect as it is and jonghyun is perfect and he is amazing and he deserves everything and all the love he's receiving right now. And there's probably going to be another member of shinee that will have a solo or maybe shinee subunit. Jonghyun basically said it himself because he's like that. hahaha. But surely we'll have our OT5 comeback this year too. SHINee's gonna slay!!!! yeah! Hopefully, an f(x) comeback as well.
I was a bit hesitant to make Jonghyun call Jinki "hyung" but I just find it awfully cute whenever Jonghyun calls him that. I mean, it's so rare. I always hear all SHINee members call him "Onew hyung". I want to hear them call him Jinki or Jinki hyung more.
hope you liked this chapter. I'm slowly revealing the story behind everything.
hi to all my subscribers!!!
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