Wish I may, I wish I might
Have one last chance to hold her tight
 

I was so focused on the business and the baby that I did not notice I was losing Sandara.

First it started out with her always sleeping, not wanting to get out of bed. We all thought she was just tired. But then even everyday stuff like bathing and eating were suddenly too much for her. Oftentimes she’d stare out at empty space not noticing anything. She would even ignore the baby even as it cried and cried for her milk.

My mother and grandmother were worried. It was not uncommon that some mothers have postpartum blues after giving birth but Sandara was starting to scare us.

Her grandparents came and saw her. It was only then that I understood everything.

Her father’s side of the family had a history of suffering from depression. After her mother died in a car accident, her father spiralled into depression and killed himself 2 years later. Sandara herself was not spared from depression when her mother died. She would have fits of nightmares about her mother burning alive. Her father’s depression and suicide made a bigger impact on her because of the rumors that went on so she withdrew from everyone and tried to hurt herself as well.

They took her in.  She was then home-schooled and started seeing a psychiatrist and was taking her meds regularly. She improved but would get occasional relapses related seemingly with the cycles of the moon. Her doctor says it was common for people to have their mental and emotional states be affected by the moon. But still she was wary of people and the only time she ever felt free to be herself was at the lake.

When she first met me and told them, they were concerned but then they saw how for the first time, she was acting like a normal girl, so they gave in. It was the first they’ve seen her truly happy in years but they had misgivings whether I was serious. When they learned I proposed even without the baby yet and without knowing about her condition, they understood that I love her.

But because of the pregnancy, Sandara has stopped taking her meds. She has been fighting her depression by sheer will and love for our baby. There have been days when she was pregnant that she would doubt herself but she would always pull through. And perhaps now, the struggle has finally taken a toll on her psyche.

Learning about this, I finally understood what she meant that day but I still could not accept it. She wasn’t weak and frail as she said she was; she’s a lot stronger than she thinks. Her flaws don’t detract from her beauty; they enhance it. She was not nothing; she was my everything. And she was still the same goddess I saw by the lake.

It wasn’t until our daughter was almost 3 months old when Sandara had a lucid interval. She asked me to go by the lake like we used to. Encouraged by her seemingly normal self, I agreed.

We sat on the log by the lake just like before; only this time something wasn’t right. She was eerily quiet and was maintaining her gaze on the lake. I was unsure how to start the conversation scared that I might say something wrong and set her off again. But then she was the first to speak up.

“Do you still love me, Ji?” she asked.

“There is no still, I love you, now and always” I said.

“Then you’d do anything if I asked you to?” she asked.

I was willing to do anything as long as she gets better. “Anything”

“Then would you let me go?” she asked, turning to look at me.

She had this haunted look in her eyes, like anytime she expects the depression to creep in before she could make out what she wanted to say. And maybe it would but I also see that this was difficult for her. Her eyes were already tearing up.

“Why?” I asked, hurt that she has thought of leaving me and our daughter; my thought of doing anything for her forgotten.

“Because I love you and I love her” she said.

“If you love us then please stay. Stay with me, with us” I begged. I could feel the tears b in my eyes.

“It’s because I love the both of you that I can’t stay. You’ve seen how I’ve been Ji. I don’t want our daughter to grow up seeing me like that. She deserves a mother who could fully love her, who is present mentally and emotionally. What if one day I hurt her? Maybe you’d forgive me but I could never forgive myself Ji” she reasoned.

There wasn’t anything wrong with her reasoning. Only that I needed her with me and with our daughter. We were just starting to become a family and suddenly it would be taken away from us. “I can’t. I’m sorry I can’t”

“My minds made up. I’m leaving in an hour. I’ve already fixed it with my doctor. Please don’t make this any harder for me than it already is. Just remember I’m doing this for the both of you.” She said.

 “Will you come back?” I asked. This will be the only thing left I’ll ask of her.

“Depends if I get better. Until I’m stronger and able to face the both of you; When I could be your wife and her mother.” She said.

I did not want to think that all was lost between us. “But what if I try to find you?” I asked.

She then took off her ring and threw it in the lake. “You won’t find me. I’ll see to that. Like how my ring is lost in the lake, I’ll try my best to hide. And if you find someone else, I’ll understand.”

“That will never happen.” I promised. I just knew it.

She smiled a little from my show of loyalty. “Then let me be alone for a while. When I’m a little better, I promise to write to you.”

“You know this is painful for me right?” I said, wanting her to understand how deep I’m letting myself go.

“I know” she confirmed.

“And I’m only letting you go because I love you.” I have lost control of my tears, allowing them to fall freely.

She nodded. “Will you wait for me?” she asked, standing up to leave.

“You already know the answer” I said, standing up to hold her one last time before I let her go.