2014.12.02, Tuesday

L.Joe's POV

I thought he was gonna have with me. But he left me dead cold in the bed this morning. He was generous with the money though. Bang Minsoo... what kind of stupid man are you? you think I sold myself to you yesterday?. I'm not that cheap. I have many friends and words travel to me faster than light. I know you eyed Niel for business just to get him into your bed. You're obsessive prick, traveled way up from Busan just to get him?. Niel isn't that kind of person... and if you think you could touch him you're wrong. I know what kind of person are you...

You like it rough, you like your boys obedient to your command. that. Niel isn't someone you could tame. He's the one who will tell you what to do. I chuckled as I drink my champagne. I opened the curtain and the dark sky welcomed me. I hate winter, it's cold and I'm on my own right now. Ah... where should I go... I took my mobile and called Jiyong-hyung. It required a lot of luck if he wasn't with his Japanese hag, though. They were dating since 2 years ago, and for that time being I had to sneak into Jiyong-hyung's side. Sneaking to his side. That idea is so foreign for me, WHY SHOULD I SNEAK INTO HIS SIDE? I KNEW HIM WAY BEFORE THAT JAPANESE HAG KNEW HIM. I inhaled deep as I waited for him to answer my call.

"Byunghun-ah", the gentle voice finally answered.
"Jiyong-hyung~!", I cheered out of excitement.
"Where have you been?", he asked, his voice was still crisp, he probably just woke up.
"I... um... just wandered around", I said.
"You're jealous of my upcoming marriage? that's why you ran away?", he giggled.
"Maybe", I sulked and covered myself in duvet again.
"Where are you now?", he sighed.
"In a hotel... I don't know...", I reached the hotel card and read it loudly; "Twin Peaks Hotel", I said. "Ah... so it's Twin Peaks", I murmured as I recalled the wooden wall behind the TV. I've been here before. But I couldn't tell with whom. I'm that screwed.
"Twin Peaks?", said Jiyong-hyung for reassurance.
"Um hum, I think it's somewhere in Gangnam", I looked to buildings outside.

"You want to have a lunch?", an invitation that was pretty unexpected came out from his mouth.
"Kiko isn't with you?", I asked.
"She's in Japan right now", he sighed.
"Hum...", I looked at the white ceiling. Kiko Mizuhara is the hag's name. She's the daughter of the most powerful Oyabun in Japan, so it was natural for Jiyong-hyung to married her. I could accept if business was the reason, but... Jiyong-hyung loves her. More than he loves me. I don’t know why I’m jealous though, I'm only a protege for him. Boy toy is a label that everyone else gave for me, it sounds really cheap. People just like to judge. Yes I have a massive man crush over him and we did have a fun night in our first meeting, but that's all. Jiyong-hyung never thought me as a lover... not now, and never will. Being around him, able to penetrate his circle of friends, you felt special already. I'm the VIP that could get near Jiyong-hyung. Not even Niel was able to be this close to Jiyong-hyung.

"How about Elixir, 1 PM?", asked Jiyong-hyung.
"Um?! ok~!", I exclaimed in happiness.
"You better be there on time. It was rare that I'm the one who ask you out, wasn't it?", he chuckled.
"Yes, hyung!. Ah... but I don't bring any nice clothes", I looked at the blue-yellow coat that I've been wearing for these couple months. It was Niel's though. Then I averted my eyes to my cream sweater, the knits were falling apart. God, I seriously look like a homeless man right now.

"Where are your clothes?", Jiyong-hyung asked me.
"I don't know... maybe I still left some of them in Niel's... or Jeongmin's... or Taeho's... Chanyeol-hyung's... I don't know", I rubbed my face as I put on my boots.
"You have serious problem, Lee Byunghun. We will have a lot of things to talk about. See you, then", he hung up the phone.
Damn. I don't have a good feeling about this. Jiyong-hyung will scold me... I threw my mobile aside and dropped myself on the bed again.

"AAAAAAAAAARGH", I put a pillow on my face and screamed out of frustration.
I closed my eyes. What happened to me.. Suddenly a meeting with Jiyong-hyung became an ugly prospect. I don't want to meet him... but he will scold me more if I didn't show up. Jiyong-hyung would kill me once he didn't find me fun anymore, wouldn't he. When he married Kiko he would just dumped me, wouldn't he. Jeongmin will be busy with his own gang, Taeho will fly to Japan to follow his sugar daddy. And Chanyeol-hyung... he will inherited his dad's company. I will be alone... Everyone will just forget about me. I reached my mobile and I didn't know why I scrolled down to Niel's number.

I always thought that even though the whole world leave me behind, I'd still have him by my side. But he also dumped me. I bumped my head to the bed over and over. Just forget about them Byunghun, you'll be alright, you'll find someone that will accompany you. You're fine. You're fine just like this. My head hurt. I walked towards the big window and watched the cold city beyond. I listened to the buzzing cars sound, to the raging clouds above, the distinct conversation down below. People's voices dancing in my head;

"You're worthless"
"Make yourself useful, come to me"
That old man’s words. No. I won't come for you. This episode again. I don't want to remember it. God, please make these voices stop. I don't need them.You have to be stronger. Don't cry...
"Byunghun don't cry! don't cry or I'll hit you"

I won't. I won't cry. I need it now. I need my pills.

"Hyung... Come back to me. Listen to me. Look at me. You're fine", I focused my sight to the clear view of building outside. I looked around, and turned out I was inside a cab. Did I call a cab?, I wondered.
"Is the Elixir still far away?", I asked the cab driver hurriedly.
"It's about 10 more minutes", he said.
"Ah. Okay", I d my pocket and took the money that left. It should be enough. Will Jiyong-hyung give me some allowance... . I should stop clinging to people like this.

I'm fine, though. Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just... Those voices were my past and my past was behind me. We walk forward, not backwards, the past won't hurt me in any way. I closed my eyes and managed my frantic breaths. Relax, Byunghun. You're fine. You're just fine.

"Look hyung, hold my face. I'm here, ain't I? You're here and you're doing just fine"
Niel... you always do that every time I lost my mind. No one ever did that to me as successful as you. Your warm cheek that I always touched when I trembled in fear. The gentle smile you gave to me. Even tough I was causing a mess before, you always kept your smile to comfort me. Do you love me, Niel? Why am I still asking that question, our fight three months ago concluded it all... we just can't be together. Because, no matter how many times I went out with different guys you always took me in to your place, like it was nothing... Like I was just your another best male friend. A friend, right? you said that in the morning after our Summer night.

"Hyung, I'll accompany you if you want to get into Jiyong-hyung's gang. We're best friends after all"
Those were your exact words. I remember it like it was yesterday. We're best friends. Yeah. We are. What kind of best friend that asked who I've been seeing, acted cold when I went out with other guys, though? yet you acted like it was nothing. NOTHING. The next thing I knew you always changed your key and make me weep outside in the cold, begging you to take me inside again. You always said you were teaching me a lesson. that act. Is it that hard to admit that you're jealous? is it that hard to say 'I love you' in front of my face?!. Or... you do think that I’m just your best friend... I gave up the idea of our relationship since long time ago, I guess. I let you directed the course of this ship. I don’t care. Our summer night might be not more than just an accident anyway.

I gave the fare to the cab driver. I'm lucky I still have few dollars left. Here I am at Elixir. It's been awhile I didn't go here. It was Jiyong-hyung's favorite place to chill. Though the atmosphere was quite laid back, the ones who came here were nowhere near poor. Look at these yuppies... dress like homeless but live in pent houses. Heol. Talking about pretentious, but well... I'm safe here then, looking like homeless myself. I walked around looking for Jiyong-hyung. Where's the blonde guy... ah, it's wrong to look for him based on hair color, he changed it once per minute. I finally spotted a guy with quite normal black combed-back hair, he was wearing a round sunglasses, and the leopard fur coat hanging elegantly on his shoulders.

Leopard fur coat? seriously? in daytime like this...? only Jiyong-hyung could pull it off for sure.
"Hyungie~!", I tapped the table and he looked at me. I excused myself to sit as he lowered his sunglasses.
"You're late for a minute and a half", he sighed as he called the waiter for menu books.
"Sorry", I pouted.
"What do you want?", he asked me.
"I don't know. I want to eat rice", I said.
"Tsch...", he chuckled and finally laughed