2015.02.28, Saturday

Byunghun's POV
 

♫ A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal ♫

I light up my cig on the bed, listen to some sad tunes on MTV. Bang Minsoo just finished his bath and went out with only towel covering up his lower half. Not that being would be out of the ordinary. I sigh and look at my bruised wrists again. And those handcuffs that still dangling on the bed frames. Our game wasn't slowing down at all. In fact it's getting more brutal.

♫ You look so tired and unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't, they don't speak for us
I'll take a quiet life
A handshake of carbon monoxide ♫

He then sits beside me, drying up his wet hair. I should admit that he's indeed a beautiful young man. He whistles as he turns on his laptop, playing League Of Legend as usual. He looks at me absentmindedly.
"Want to eat something?", his hand approaches my head and I hastily avoid it.
"Don't ing touch my head", I jump out of the pillow and look at him menacingly.
He stares at me for awhile and then chuckles; "What's wrong with it?"
"Don't bother to be affectionate when you'd just use those hands to pull my hair at night", I exclaimed.
"Yah...", he chuckles and tries to touch me again.
"GO AWAY! You don't understand Korean or what?!!", I toss his hand away violently. I throw my cig and it almost burns the carpet. I manages by breath and take it up again and put it in my mouth.

We just look at each other for a long time. The League Of Legend theme song has already played, the commercials on tv made it all so noisy and annoying. I bite my lips and close my eyes. My head is spinning.
"Come on... I'm sorry", I feel his cool skin wrapped around my heated body.
"Don't...", I push him lightly.
I taste saltiness dripping to my lips. I cry.
"You missed Niel? your Jiyong-hyung?", he sighs and sits back on the bed.
"No...", I give him practical answer. I don't know what bothers me. I just can't with all this game anymore. I can't with Bang Minsoo cuffed me every night, but I have nowhere to go.

Calling Taeho or Jeongmin would just make things worse, I don't want to drag them into my problem. I should be independent... Seungri-hyung's heartfelt advice still haunted me. If I keep giving this heart away... I'll run out of it in no time... But who wants my heart... As far as I care the only person that would be safe for me at this moment just want my flesh.

I didn't have the courage to go to the public library to collect payment from Jiyong-hyung. I don't know what to say about the warehouse incident, I don't want to give Niel away. It's easier for Minsoo, he doesn't have a reason to give Niel away, he's already Jiyong's enemy now. So I just agreed to go to Busan with him. Running away from all the mess... I'm such a coward.

"You asked for it", Minsoo suddenly talk while keep playing his LoL.
"What?"
"Last night's game, you said let's play hard. So I played hard", he giggles.
"No. I didn't", I narrow my eyes as I realize I had little recollection about what happened. I only know that my wrists are bruised.
"You did, kid", he calmly replies.
Suddenly I feel disgusted about myself. I my cig deep and slip myself back between the sheets. I look around pretty disoriented. I turn my head to the nightstand on my right. The little pill strips remind me about what happened. I take one of them and put it under the light. The brand name that written so big on its silver surface laughs at me. Xanax... I start to take them again after the warehouse incident. It helps me sleep.

"What was I doing taking the Xanax and asking you for rough ?", I giggle.
"You took the whole thing when when we're finished", said Minsoo.
"I was?", I sigh heavily and put off my cig in the whisky glass just beside my Xanax. Now everything is getting clear in my head.
"You were drunk, cuffed yourself and being wild to me. After you were groaning in pain, I came to my senses and released you, then you took the Xanax", said Minsoo.
"", I lean my head on the wall.

"Thank God you're not dead by now", Minsoo chuckles.
", , . I should've just die. This is not right", I rub my face with both of my hands.
"It's fine now... if your wrists that hurt we can go to hospital", said Minsoo trying to be considerate.
"Nah... I'm so tired", I put on my sweater that lying on the floor and covered myself under the duvet again.
"You better eat, kid", he taps my back, rubbing it for some strength.
"Alright", I straighten my back and lit another cig. "Just keep in mind I don't like eggs", I smile.
"Okay... breakfast is comiiiing", MInsoo sighs and go to the kitchen. He probably felt bad looking at my blue wrists. And blue knees too.. and this swelling on my rib cage. I'm a wreck. I miss you Niel, I hate to admit it, but your vanilla finally finds its charm on me. No cuffs... just us cuddling all night, laughing about unfunny jokes, and kiss... and done. So simple and drama free.

But then when we're not making out we made drama more than Shakespeare. Bang Minsoo present me with bacon, sausage and beans. We're living in some rent room just outside Seoul now. He has all his subordinates guarding the place, so at least I'm safe by now. Though he was all twisted on the bed, he's generally kind with me. I mean, he can throw me to Jiyong and tell him that the warehouse incident is all my idea. But he didn't do it. I wonder if it was because my service to him. Being an obedient kitten, he said... I know if I stopped giving him what he wants he probably deserted me, but I couldn't take it every night and he was surprisingly understanding. Our conversations have also improved. I have to say that he's not the most exciting person in the world, but maybe the way he listens without much talk actually give me sense of security.

"Can I ask some money to buy more Xanax?", I hesitantly ask.
"Already?", he raise his eyebrows while chewing his beans.
"Yeah. I need a lot of it"
Minsoo look at my legs that couldn't stop tapping on the floor. He thought I didn't know, but I always pay close attention when he pay close attention at little things I do.
"Those things are dangerous you see", he weirdly advise. "You'll just get more depressed", he continue.
"I know!. But I also need to sleep, need to... need to just...", I took a deep breath and looked at Bang Minsoo that still blatantly watching me. "Now you see I can't relax. Xanax helps me to shut all this agitation or else, I'll explode on random things", I take another deep breath and stop my moving legs. I bite my lips and look outside. These dark thoughts are coming back again, it's either goes on killing spree or killing myself I couldn't make up my mind. But at that very corner of my brain I also see a light, a happy memories about an utopia land, and a paper ship me and Niel build to get there. Now our ship is sinking but that light weirdly won't fade away, as it burns even hotter, boiling my negative thoughts.

"You just need to chill, kid", Minsoo approaches me.
"Hell no! you think you can calm me down? you think my problem is trivial?! DON'T ING 'KID' ME. You think you can tame me, can't you? don't act like you're important"
"I AM important, I'm your last resort now", he said with his intense gaze, suddenly grabs my neck closer to him.
"Don't make me explode. You don't want to see me explode", I feel my clench tighten.
"Yeah? I actually kinda curious about it. Tell me, kid, I heard you're a big deal on the street before, you're a great fighter, no? have little sense of pain? where's that fighter going... how many penetrate you that makes you a poof right now?, his smirk makes my vision hazy, my heart pumps harder. Before I knew it, I fly my fist onto his handsome face. But he catches it. He twists my arm behind as I scream in pain.

"You don't want me to hate you", he whisper calmly in my ears and release me cold down the floor.
I reach the nightstand once again and took all the Xanax that left. I don't care if I die...
"", I hear the silent scoff mouthed and the next thing I see is Bang Minsoo throwing the rest of them to the toilet and flushes them off.

I finally wake up from my nap and Bang Minsoo was gone, he left me some money on the nightstand. He didn't tell where he went or such. I force myself to raise from the bed and pace around the room. I bite my lips as my body are all aching. My ribs, my knees. It hurts too bad. I can't even stand right, so I sit on the floor and light up my cig. The tv is still on, the sceneries of big blue beach from the traveling show disturbs me. "It's one of the best beach in Belize, you see... if you're still there watching this from your home you miss a lot!. Go grab your bag now and just fly your lazy asses here. You won't regret it!", the tv host is all excited with her pitchy voice. How annoying. I throw the trash can beside me to the tv. I do grab Minsoo's money on the nightstand though. I force myself to get up once again, put on my mustard sweater and Minsoo's army coat that lying on the bed. I need more Xanax.

Couple of his guys still guard our place.
"Where's Minsoo gone?", I ask the fat one next to the door.
"He had a meeting", he answer cooly.
"Tell him I go out. I'll be back in evening", I said to him.
"Alright", he look at me, full of suspicion.

I struggle walking the cold afternoon. The wind stabs through my aching body. What that lunatic sadist did to me, really. Then I spot the drug seller about a block away from our rent room. He's still busy in winter day like this. I think people get stoned and snuggled with es to get warm. I give him the money and he give me a pack of Xanax. Easy breezy.

I don't understand why drug stores didn't start putting Xanax in their shelves here. Do people always be able to sleep nicely at night? are they so happy with their lives?. How boring. I light my cig and a figure in distance caught my eyes. With his light brown hair and squirrel cheeks I know my eyes don't lie.
"Chanhee!", I call him and he turns his head. He doesn't look so sure then I run to him.
"Chanhee! you're really are Chanhee", I giggle.
"B-Byunghun... isn't it?", he scratches his head.

"Yeah, it's me. Narcotic Anonymous!. We should be anonymous but you talked to me that time after our session in um... big church in Gangnam once. And we had drinks couple times~! Remember?", I said to him. I remember him really well because he didn't look like the type to use drugs. He said he was a trainee in some idol agency or stuffs. His group's debut was pushed back hundred times and when his agency went bankrupt he didn't have his college entrance nor his parents' blessing so he ended up staying in his stoner friend's flat and started using drugs.
"You're the gangster boy toy, aren't you?", his expression starts to relax and he grins at me.
"Yes. What are you doing here?", I hit his shoulder playfully.

"My sister actually lived around here. She um... just had a baby", he smiles.
"Oh cool"
"Yeah, her baby is so cu