Time was a notion, so ephemeral as it was infinite. There was no greater force than the entity of time, enabling one to limit unlimited possibilities. In the way it could edify, it could also destroy. Lee Minhyuk never managed to figure out how time worked for him, even until the very last second. He hated and loved it at the same time, an opposing contrast that would come to reflect his future decision.

He learned to never get ahead of it. Time was a difficult rival to overthrow when it decided to outrun the runner. As generous as time gave, it was lavish in the things it took in return. For that reason, it was extremely important to savor every passing second time gifted.

Lee Minhyuk would always remember the first encounter. Not because it was something extravagant, or because it was anything special. No. It was the most ordinary meeting with the most extraordinary woman he had ever met.

He agreed to help a friend out by taking over a shift at the coffee shop. At exactly 3 PM, she walked in.

Despite the spring season, heaven decided to pour out a massive rainfall that day, soaking all customers who walked in. She was no exception. Taking a look at her own appearance, she almost appeared scandalized and embarrassed, ready to curse at heaven. But she took a deep breath, swallowed her anger, and walked to the counter with a newfound smile.

“How may I help you?”

It wasn’t Minhyuk who asked, but his coworker, Kihyun. Through the loud grinding machine, the clinking utensils being reorganized, and the rustling chatters in the background, Minhyuk tried his best to eavesdrop on their conversation—to catch the slightest tone of her voice, but to no avail. He did catch a glimpse of her dazzling smile, which was, sadly, not directed at him.

The ability to watch her from afar brought contentment, and he unconsciously studied her. Her fingers impatiently drummed against a novel that had been soaked in rain. Minhyuk was smart enough to put two and two together, and made two observations. One, the girl had no umbrella, opting to use her book as a cover. Two, she looked absolutely beautiful even when squishing her lips to the side, forming an annoyed pout.

Minhyuk remembered bringing an umbrella with him in case a downpour started. Would he be crazy enough to hand the umbrella to a girl he just met? But what if it changed things between their relationship? He could not risk making a faux pas, but he couldn’t bear watching her health deteriorate.

He went to the staff’s room where they stored their belongings. He ped his backpack, retrieving his red colored umbrella which shall become the object of good will.

“You got this,” he encouraged himself, tightening his grip around the item. With confident steps, he marched out to the cafe, scanning the entire place for the one he would bestow kindness to.

But she was long gone by then. He was too late.

Many customers came and go, but something about their first encounter was unforgettable. It was his heart reaching out to the one person who would forever change his life.

***

He would always remember their second encounter. A part of him wondered why he never saw her again. Their coffee was famous for its rich flavor and ethereal aroma, so it couldn’t have repelled her. Minhyuk even changed his work shifts in a sly attempt to see her again, but he could only keep holding on to his hope.

Until that day.

It was a season of beauty, where flowers blossomed into full bloom, and the sun casted a glow of gleeful radiance to anything within its reach. But nothing was nearly as beautiful as her. Her hair was longer than he remembered, a lighter shade of brown. Her eyes were the color of ebony, so rich he wouldn’t mind falling into them. He was sure it wasn’t the color that reeled him in, but rather the feelings she emitted from it. A certain void—a certain void he would fill.

He continuously searched for opportunities to steal glances at her. Every detail he observed, he made sure to store in his memory. From the way she queued in line, and showed no signs of agitation or impatience. Her focus was on the novel in her hand. It was a different cover from last time. He could vaguely make out the title as ‘Me Before You.’ Of course.

It was easy to deduce her love for books. He also confirmed his belief; people extruded a contagious glow when they immersed themselves in their passion. It was absolutely stunning, and Minhyuk couldn’t take his eyes off of her for even one second.

When it was finally her turn, Minhyuk didn’t realize he was grinning so wide, showing off his perfect row of teeth that usually left the ladies in awe. It was his secret weapon to attract attention, and for this girl, he was willing to wield it.

“How may I help you?” He recited the script, but his heart truly wanted to talk to her. There was a stark familiarity about this stranger. He knew, he would willingly travel the distance in order to obtain whatever her heart desired. But the one thing she required, was the one gift he couldn’t give.

“One vanilla latte, please,” she mumbled, looking away from him in distress, staring right into her wallet.

Minhyuk’s smile fell. She didn’t return his smile, instead flashing a brief sight of misery that shattered his heart entirely. She was still as beautiful, that much he knew was true. But the frown on her red tainted lips awakened an urge to brush his finger against them, and pull them up into a smile —to be the one who would make her smile again.

“Uhm… It’s on me,” he instinctively said.

A surprised frown replaced her solemn look, neither approving nor disapproving his role as the good Samaritan. “For whatever reason?” She asked, her voice skeptical.

“I... Uhm…” Minhyuk awkwardly his lips, unable to meet her stare when the cold sweat started dripping from his forehead. He had seen those clear eyes stare back at him multiple times in his dreams, and he couldn’t fathom why he still panicked. What a hideous sight he must’ve been.

But whatever she saw in him that day was a different perception from his expectation. She laughed the most beautiful sound his ears had ever been blessed with.

“Whatever the reason may be, thank you.” She flashed him a smile. And when Minhyuk mirrored the smile in the most awkward and shyest way possible, she laughed once more, took her receipt, and headed to an empty table.

Minhyuk knew she was only trying to distract herself from whatever occupied her mind. Her smile wasn’t as radiant as he remembered, as if something dulled a precious gemstone from its original shine. He was determined to change that.

So when he delivered her drink, he wrote a simple message, scribbled messily at the center of a napkin.

Live well.

Her misery was only the beginning of their happiness together.

***

Now Lee Minhyuk wasn’t an ordinary guy, he was far too gifted for that. Ever since his birth, his family discovered his rare ability, much similar to that of his late grandfather’s. He could travel back in time, but never to the future. 

“Your future changes accordingly to the decisions you make today,” his grandfather always used to say. 

Minhyuk didn’t understand it that time, but he would come to eventually. He never thought much of this ability, always neglecting it until today. Because for the first time, he began to wonder of the what ifs—of all the endless possibilities that could’ve, but didn’t happen, because he chose to enter through one of the many possible doorways.

He walked into his father’s study room, watching the old man buried behind his paperwork. Determination and curiosity filled his heart.

“Dad, how do I go back in time?” Minhyuk asked, as straightforward as possible. He heard his grandfather talk about it, but never paid attention until needed.

His sudden interest after nineteen years was so alarming that his father turned around on his office chair, resting his reading glasses on his desk. “What drives your sudden curiosity towards the topic?”

Minhyuk offered a sheepish smile, unable to admit his true reason. “I think it’s time for me to know,” he simply answered. It was convincing enough to the old man.

“I know not much about it considering this ability skipped my generation,” his father spoke with slight humor, motioning Minhyuk to close the door behind him. “All I know is that it comes with great consequences and sacrifices.”

Minhyuk nodded his head accordingly. Every decision had different consequences. This much he had learned throughout his many years of being alive.

“When you try to alter time, the consequence is time’s alteration in you.”

“What?” Minhyuk blinked.

“The amount of years you decide to travel back is the amount of years that will be deducted from your lifespan.”

Minhyuk’s eyes widened, terrified every time he visited this talk. He remembered his grandfather lying in the hospital bed, always smiling, always coughing—laughing in the morning, crying at night. 

“Why did he do it if he knew it would give him less time with his loved ones?” Minhyuk asked. He couldn’t fathom a reason alarming enough that was worth exchanging his life for.

“It was during the second World War. Your grandfather was separated from your grandmother and me. By the time he returned, we were already dead. So he used his ability to travel back in time, trying to find us, trying to prevent our death.” His father paused momentarily, gulping his saliva. The composure on his face shattered, shadowing a paleness as his jaw and fingers trembled. “It took him several trial and errors before finding us. He never told me how many years he had lost before his search yielded any result.”

Minhyuk felt an immense wave of sadness washing over him, seeing the crack in his father's stronghold again. Remorse overshadowed his curiosity, guilty for posing the question.

In the end he concluded, time was crueler than death itself. A threat far more dangerous than a sickness was the malice of time. Time made you hold on to a false sense of hope, while death was more realistic and took everything at once.

Minhyuk wished he wouldn’t need to use this ability for anything—not when it set forth emotional pain on the people he’d leave behind. Then again, his treaty did not count if he was the one being castrated.

***

Minhyuk would always remember their third encounter. The meeting no longer took place at the coffee shop, but at the campus’ library. By this time, he knew every single encounter with her would be deeply etched into the wall of his heart. 

He noticed her presence since the moment she walked in. Her eyes brightened like bejeweled diamonds at the sight of endless books at her disposal. For someone who loved reading, the place must’ve been a paradise. 

Minhyuk expected her memories of their encounter to wilt away like the pile of snow during Spring time. It wouldn't mean as much to her as it did to him, he supposed. But she proved him otherwise by making a remarkable observation.

“Live well,” she recited the same words he had written on the flimsy napkin, and dropped three books on the checkout counter. She waited for him to look up, meeting her eyes with surprise. “It was you, wasn’t it?”

Minhyuk shouldn’t have been so surprised, knowing it were those words rather than he himself that left the impression. “What if it was?” He retorted back.

The girl smiled, setting a tremor to his clamouring heart. He wanted to preserve the visual of her fluctuating joy.

“Have you read it?” She asked, a minor excitement in her usual composed demeanor. She unconsciously leaned closer towards him.

As much as Minhyuk enjoyed their shortened distance, he had to remain mannerful and pulled away a little before letting his heart take over the logic of his brain. 

“I may work in a library, but I am not an avid reader,” he confessed, and her excitement disappeared just like that. Her shoulders slumped, she moved away from him, and gathered her lips into a pout.

“But if you’re referring to ‘Me Before You’ by Jojo Moyes, then yes, I do know it,” Minhyuk continued.

Of course, knowing it was different from actually reading it. Seeing the book’s significance in her life, Minhyuk went to an informant to acquire its synopsis, an informant who was dear to him and shared the same passion for this particular novel.

“That’s why you left me the note.” The girl drew her own conclusion, because indeed, Minhyuk had merely borrowed the “live well” quote from the book. It felt oddly comforting and familiar to see this cheery side of her considering she seemed so distant and unapproachable at the cafe last time.

“You must love the book,” Minhyuk said, examining her reaction. She didn’t laugh, choosing to keep a polite business-like smile on her face instead. She was back to being closed off.

“It’s one of my all time favorites. It talks of romance in a different perspective. I’ve always thought loving someone meant holding on to them, but there are times when it’s better to let them go,” she said, the gaze in her eyes softening. Her own words must’ve distracted her deep into her thoughts.

Minhyuk was absolutely mesmerized by her beauty, intelligence, and way of thinking. She couldn’t have been more perfect for him, and he found himself unable to escape his growing affections toward her.

“Oh, I am so sorry.” She exclaimed, realizing she had been daydreaming. “Talking about books tend to get me carried away.”

“Don’t worry.” He stopped there before adding that he loved the way she showed her passion, adored the way her eyes twinkled when overcome with joy, enjoyed the graceful gestures of her body language, and more. He couldn’t tell her he cherished every single one of her quirks. Not out loud. Not now.

She grew silent afterwards, resembling the girl he knew her as at the cafe. She watched his steady movements as he scanned the books on her next to-read list. Normally, she was the master of no emotions, only allowing people to take the slightest peek when her wall of defense crumbled apart. Such were the observations Minhyuk made.

“If you need more quote worthy life advices, come to me.” Minhyuk scanned the last book on her list and placed all three books in a brown paper bag. He was testing her openness to his humor.

The girl frowned her eyebrows, slightly staring at him weirdly before producing a polite chuckle to not offend him. “Thank you, I will keep that in mind,” she played along, taking the bag from the counter.

“Have a nice day, Han Mira,” Minhyuk said.

The girl turned to him in surprise, wondering how he had obtained her name when she never introduced herself.

“Student ID,” Minhyuk simply stated, smiling. 

Her surprised frown dissolved into a smile. “You have a nice day too, Lee Minhyuk.”

Now it was his turn to look at her with equal disbelief and shock.

“Name tag,” she said, cocking her head to the employee tag he wore. With a final smile, she carried her books and bid him farewell.

***

Their temporary goodbyes eventually led up to endless hellos. Minhyuk kept his job as the library assistant, and the girl returned to borrow more books. She also frequented the coffee shop considering she was an avid coffee drinker. Her reactions went from polite smiles to hesitant frowns, to subtle head shakes, and exasperated laughters.

He finally obtained the genuine reaction he longed from her, amused she didn’t reciprocate his intended humor all the time. People told him he was too noisy and lively at times, and someone as calm and composed as Mira contrasted his overflowing energy well. 

“Two vanilla lattes for the miss.” Minhyuk placed two cups of coffee at the table she sat on. The smell of sweetness intensified before him, entering his olfactory senses with a mixture of milk, coffee, vanilla, and the fruity perfume scent she wore. 

“Drink with me,” Mira spoke, motioning her head to the empty chair in front of her. Seeing his reluctance, she shoved a cup to his direction. “I ordered two drinks for a reason.”

Minhyuk blinked momentarily, growing skeptical. “Did you do something wrong?”

She laughed at this and briefly raised her cup. “I realized I never got to repay you for the time you treated me. This one’s on me.” 

Minhyuk stared around him, studying the coffee shop’s emptiness during the non busy hours. He supposed he could take a break since Kihyun got the cash registry covered. So he sneaked into the seat, cautious not to seem like he was slacking off.

He thought she had something to say, but instead chose to be silent. It was an activity Minhyuk wasn’t used to. His mouth was itching to talk, but Mira started reading yet another book. While others might find it rude, Minhyuk thought it was charming. The fact she felt comfortable enough to engulf in silence, to openly show her hobby and passion in front of him was like welcoming him to share a part of her life. 

So he took small sips from his drink, continuing to study her in silence. He did not think it was possible to fall for the same person over and over again, but with Mira, every encounter felt like the first time he fell for her. He didn’t even know when it happened, but such emotions did not require a logical explanation. It was a certain kind of fate he couldn’t fight against. 

“What?” Mira asked, noticing his outright staring. 

“You look nice when you’re reading,” he said.

Mira scrunched an eyebrow. “Nice? I look nice when half of my face is buried behind a book?”

Sometimes Minhyuk didn’t know whether she was joking or not. She seemed so serious at times he even wondered whether she was capable of jesting around with, but the thought dissipated when her merry laughter filled the air.

“If I had said ‘pretty’ you would’ve countered it,” Minhyuk argued.

“Minhyuk, pretty is what you call those magazine cover models. I am nowhere near that,” Mira said, laughing again as she shook her head.

“You’re right. Because you don’t use Photoshop to look perfect, yet you appear more beautiful than any of them,” he stated, firm in his opinion.

Mira’s expression froze, taking a moment to decipher whether he was complimenting her, roasting the Photoshopped models, or both. His sweet words curved her lips into a bashful smile, like a ripple effect she couldn’t escape from. It became hard to argue back knowing he would counter with more lavish compliments he regarded as truths. And perhaps, it was for that reason she chose to counteract.

“You’re just being nice,” she muttered softly.

“I’m being realistic. I have seen my fair share of women walking in and out the cafe or the library, but no one caught my eyes the way you did when you walked in during that stormy night,” Minhyuk said.

As if right on cue, both flinched at the realization. Minhyuk realized he had spoken too much, and wondered whether this counted as a confession. Mira trailed back to that day, realizing he had been paying attention to her since months ago. The thought itself made her blush.

“I remember,” she said, her fingers absentmindedly played with the flap of the page she was on, gentle enough not to leave a damaging fold. “It was raining so bad, my copy of ‘Me Before You’ got ruined. I bought another one afterwards.”

“Aw, should you have told me, I would buy it for you.”

Mira chuckled. “You never came to talk to me.”

Minhyuk had the second moment of realization. He only knew his side of the story, about his struggles and lack of courage to talk to the girl he was positive he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. But what if during that same night, she was also hoping for him to make a move? What if their feelings were mutual since the beginning? He truly learned new revelations everytime.

Minhyuk should’ve used his time differently.

***

It had become some sort of a daily ritual. She’d either visit him at the coffee shop or the library, adjusting her schedules to match his shifts. Minhyuk should’ve read the clear signs by then, but he didn’t dare to think so highly of himself. 

She was smart enough to choose a slot before peak hours, the time when the cafe was deserted enough to invite him to sit with her. Minhyuk was sure by now she loved spending time with him as much as he dreaded being apart from her. He noticed the way she laughed more often at his jokes, an unconscious signal women reverberated to show interest. And everything he said to compliment her, be it her looks, her talents, her passion, or anything, her cheeks would grow red with a rosy blush. He noticed, because Lee Minhyuk noticed everything there was to know about Han Mira.

He also noticed her foul mood. It started when two customers walked in, a male and a female. Being the sharp person he was, Minhyuk did not filter his words when asking. “You know them?”

“Yeah,” her response was curt. “My ex and the girl he cheated on me with.”

Minhyuk’s eyes widened, all fluttering feeling emptied from his heart. His fingers clenched into a fist, the knuckles growing white in color. The ex was responsible for her depression several months ago. He caused her brokenness.

“Hey waiter,” the ex called out, waving his arm to Minhyuk who was still in his work uniform. Look at him trying to act all superior. 

Luckily Mira’s back faced him, so she could stay away from being recognized. Minhyuk got up from the chair, pushing it backwards so loud, it nearly flipped over.

Minhyuk walked to the counter, searching the granite surface for something. A battle of strength, he would not have survived. Therefore, he preferred to fight using his wit. His eyes lit up when he found the cafe’s policy written on a laminated printout.

“We have the right to refuse service to any customer,” he said, a finger sternly pointing at the sign.

“What? This is unreasonable,” the cheating bastard groaned.

“As is your existence,” Minhyuk snarkily replied, twirling his hand into a formal bow. He hoped his body language conveyed the desperate need to see him gone.

The cheater and the , as Minhyuk had mentally dubbed them, exchanged looks with each other. Both having no clue of Minhyuk’s unwelcoming attitude.

“You crazy bastard,” the cheater muttered under his breath. “It’s your loss.”

“One I won’t regret. I kindly ask you to leave before you stain this holy ground with your sinful existence,” Minhyuk stated, grinning so innocently one might wonder whether his sharp words had been intentional. It definitely was.

The cheater looked perplexed, uttered several profanities, not forgetting to smash some chairs unto the floor before exiting. Luckily, the cafe was all empty by then, and Minhyuk returned the chairs to its upright position against the table.

Mira wasn’t sure whether she should be worried or laugh it off, so when Minhyuk returned to their table, she held his hands to check for any wounds while laughing in the process.

“I can’t believe you did that,” she said, eyes still scanning him. “This may be the greatest assistance you have provided me with.”

“Well, I’m mad knowing he hurt the girl I like, so I used my employee rights to refuse him,” Minhyuk said, pouting a little.

Mira’s fingers froze on his hand, her face filled with surprise that soon turned a light shade of red. “W-What did you say?”

“I get mad knowing he hurt the girl I…” As Minhyuk retraced his words, he realized he had given out too much information. Normally he would’ve laughed it off or cover it with a witty reply, but for once, he decided it was time to move to the next stage of their relationship.

“The girl I like,” he softly repeated, turning their hands around so he’d be the one clasping her fingers in his. It was a deliberate movement on his part, and his heart drummed louder realizing she let him. 

“I like you a lot, Mira,” he began. “Whatever your ex did to hurt you, I assure you I’m different. I am not strong enough to smash chairs to the ground, for example, so you don’t have to worry about anyone getting hurt.”

She chuckled at that. The sound faded instantly when Minhyuk unconsciously rubbed his thumb over her skin in gentle .

“Even if you aren’t ready to move on, I’ll be here waiting for you. Because I can’t bring myself to like any other girl the way I like you. It has to be you.”

Mira smiled at that, watching his bashfulness as he avoided her gaze now.

“But… But if you are ready, then I… Maybe we… Can start introducing ourselves as a couple?” Minhyuk asked shyly.

For a guy who was eloquent with his speech and known for never shutting up, seeing him at a loss for words was quite an adorable sight. Mira smiled, folding her fingers around his.

“I’d love that.”

And so, Minhyuk would always remember his first confession. His first, however, did not define his last.

***

People doubted relationships that started off too young. He started dating at nineteen, and she was seventeen by then. They had shared their many firsts together, and he wanted to share his lasts with her too. Since the very beginning, he never intended their relationship to be temporary, knowing they would spend their entire life together.

She was the one supporting him through his final years at university. Even when he was too busy with his exams and part time jobs, his constant apologies and adorable smiles made Mira forgive him.

“What are you doing here?” He asked one winter night when she appeared in front of his shared apartment. His friends were all gathered in the living room, curious to see who it was.

“I know you’ve been studying until midnight, and it’s not good to do it on an empty stomach, so I brought reinforcement,” She trailed off, lifting the plastic bag to reveal sweet potatoes and pizza. 

Minhyuk’s eyes lit up, all his exhaustion washed away when he saw his favorite snacks. “You are the best,” he said, taking the plastic from her hand. He thanked her, bid her goodnight, then closed the door.

“Hey!”

The door slowly opened again, revealing Minhyuk snickering a mischievous laugh. “You didn’t actually think I’d send you away like that, did you?”

Mira crossed her arms and glared at him. “Whether or not it was intended as a joke, that was rude, Minhyuk.”

He couldn’t bring himself to feel intimidated, not when she looked so adorable covered in a thick winter jacket, burying nearly one third of her face behind a purple beanie. Instead he pulled her closer, kissing the top of her forehead, which made her flinch.

“I’m sorry. Why don’t you come on in?” He offered, opening the door wider.

“I just came here to deliver your midnight snack,” she said her voice muffled behind her woolen scarf. She still looked slightly upset, and got ready to leave when he exerted some strength to pull her against him.

“I insist you stay,” Minhyuk spoke, his voice coated in a deep baritone that made her breath halt for a second. He guided her into the house, closing the front door. Considering the others occupied the living room, he had no choice but to head straight to his room.

“Ooh, Minhyuk’s taking a girl to his room,” Jooheon cooed scandalously.

“Use protection,” Hyunwoo called out absentmindedly, his eyes reading a magazine.

This made the couple look up in shock. 

“They haven’t even kissed. I don’t think things will escalate that quickly,” Kihyun said, mocking his friend.

“Shut up, Kihyun! You have been single for three years!” Minhyuk retorted back, proceeding to enter his room. He set the food in his table, carrying out his usual routine when he noticed Mira standing at the door.

“What?” He asked.

“This is the first time I’m alone in your room,” she remarked, her eyes suddenly averting from him. 

She had visited before, but they were in bigger, and less intimate groups. Now, it was just the two of them.

“Oh, you’re right,” Minhyuk said, having lost all track of time when everything got jumbled together in his mind. He intended to eat the pizza together, but now… His mind started wandering elsewhere. Realization just hit him, they were alone.

He helped her take off her jacket and laid it on top of his textbooks and notes. He took her hand, leading her to his bed. Perhaps the bed wasn’t a proper choice, but he only had one chair, and where would his manners be if he asked her to sit on the floor? He did his best to dismiss that anxious and anticipating look on her face.

“How long have we been together?” He suddenly asked, tracing the lines of her skin with his thumb.

Mira hummed momentarily. “Around the time Kihyun got dumped. So three years.”

He chuckled at that. Time flew so fast, he didn't even know what he was doing anymore. Of many things he was unsure of, but his desire to be with her was the one thing certain in his life. His feelings were so overwhelming it clouded his good judgement with a sense of rush. He wanted to be with her.

“Minhyuk, is something bothering you?” Mira asked worriedly, seeing he had grown unusually silent.

“Yeah, it bothers me how much I love you.”

Mira’s eyes sprung open, her cheeks turning red, which he knew wasn’t caused by the cold weather. Was it the first time he spoke those three words to her? He couldn’t remember. Judging on her reaction, it probably was.

“You’re saying it as if it’s a bad thing,” she said, pursing her lips.

“Oh, no! Not at all,” he quickly corrected himself. “It bothers me because you occupy my mind when I should be studying for my exam.”

Mira squinted her eyes, not wanting to be used as an excuse for his distraction. “In what ways do I bother you?” 

“Well, sometimes I imagine what it would feel like to wake up next to you every morning. What it would be like if we had our own family with babies and all. You do know I love babies. I imagine...” he paused, swallowing his saliva, “I imagine what it’d be like to grow old with you.”

She did not expect this to come out of his mouth, not when they were in their early twenties. Though she wasn’t very fond of children, the picture he painted was quite alluring. 

“It would be the picture perfect family,” she said.

“Right,” Minhyuk said, intertwining their fingers together. He looked at her, meeting her eyes that extruded a sense of familiarity. He knew, he wanted to be with her and only her. His mouth spoke before his logic could stop him.

“Marry me?”

The question must’ve been so absurd Mira began laughing. She tried retracting her hand to clasp , but he didn’t let her. He held unto her, not laughing along.

“You’re joking, right?” She asked.

“I’m dead serious,” Minhyuk said, his lips remaining a thin line. Strangely, he did not seem nervous or awkward posing the question. It felt too natural, like it was only appropriate for her to listen to his impromptu proposal.

“You are,” she remarked, finally realizing his absence of humor. Her eyes grew wide, and her lips parted in search for the right words. “But Minhyuk, we are too young. We haven’t even gotten our degrees yet. I still live off my parents’ money.”

Minhyuk shushed her, cheesily pressing a finger against her lips like they did in dramas. It stopped her worrying. “You can consider this proposal as an early deposit to our future together. I love you, and I will never stop loving you until my very last breath. So it is only right I secure you now.”

She was speechless, the dark pupils in her eyes shimmering against his dimmed lights. It didn’t take long before she surrendered and smiled. “You make it very hard for me to say no.”

“You’re not supposed to say no,” Minhyuk hinted at her, grinning widely at the answer he knew was coming.

“Fine. Since I do love you too, I shall accept,” she said with a teasing eye roll.

Minhyuk couldn’t contain his happiness and immediately wrapped his arms around her. After the brief celebratory hug, he took note of their small distance. Kihyun hadn’t been wrong about them never having kissed before, so he took the opportunity after three long years, and kissed her for another first.

“No ring?” Mira asked jokingly as he pulled away from her lips.

“I told you this is an early deposit. When I have enough money, I’ll make it more formal,” Minhyuk said, giving her another light peck.

He remembered their first kiss as the day of his proposal. 

***

As years passed, he never actually got to officially propose, and before they knew it, they had a wedding to prepare. With things like these, emotional stress levels gauged up, and fights became more frequent. Minhyuk used to wish Mira would show more of her emotion, but sometimes, silence was bliss.

“You didn’t do the things I asked you to take care of. Don’t ask how to help me when you can’t handle your own responsibilities!” Mira yelled, a long checklist laid out in front of her, still empty. 

“I’m busy working,” Minhyuk yelled back, just as agitated. He hated these moments the most and wished to never relive these fights. When time was pressed, he dreaded wasting precious seconds on creating aching memories.

“You don’t think I have a job?” She asked, staring at him in disbelief. They finished their studies and landed a job right after graduation. Being a dentist in training, Mira’s schedule went beyond the regular 9 to 5‘s.

“I told you I am going to be the main source of income. You can be the housewife,” Minhyuk said, trying to calm her down. He should’ve known, that after years of observation, he still had no idea how the female brain wired.

Mira dropped her shoulders, glaring at him with anger and disappointment. “I did not waste years of college to become a housewife.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Minhyuk said, realizing the words may come across more sensitive than intended when Mira’s hormones were already going berserk. “I’m doing my best to provide for our future.”

“Well, if you keep being like this, maybe there won’t even be a future,” Mira said bitterly, walking out of the room.

Minhyuk flinched. Despite her mood swings, the words bore a bigger significance than she realized. He’d rather stay in the past with the woman he loved rather than live a future without her in it.

Not wanting to waste more time, he had to do whatever he could to reconcile. So he wrapped his arms around her from behind, surprising her. He felt her body tense up in his arms before it loosened entirely.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, burying his face against her long wavy hair. “You can be whatever you want. I don’t mind whether I’ll marry a housewife, a dentist, or a psycho killer on the loose, as long as I marry Han Mira. You know I will support you with whatever you choose to do.”

There was no way any woman could’ve resisted that, and Mira’s anger slowly melted away at his words. “I’m sorry too. But we still have a lot to prepare. Time won’t wait for us, we need to make every second count, or else I might really become a psycho killer on the loose.”

“And I will still love you then,” Minhyuk answered, pressing his lips to the side of her head.

It was the reason why he urged immediate reconciliation, why he proposed in their early twenties, why he did everything in his might to pursue her again. 

Because Lee Minhyuk knew better than anyone, time kept ticking.

***

After the storm passed, everything seemed to go the way it was supposed to. The wedding went exceptionally well—friends and families worked together to help out. Their misery and hardship during the preparation stage was finally repaid with a blessed night. They even had an after party clubbing session, which was really to give guys like Kihyun a chance to hookup with girls. From beginning till the end, the day was perfect.

The night was filled with the same flutters. Only this time, there was a new kind of anticipation as they laid in bed together for the first time. Minhyuk had his arms around her, which she used as her pillow.

“I finally don’t have to imagine anymore,” Minhyuk said softly, his voice deeper than usual when he whispered to her.

“What?” She shifted her head to look at him.

“What it would feel like to wake up next to you every morning.”

Mira chuckled a little. “A horrendous case of bad bed hair and a terrifying no makeup face,” she said.

“Ah, truly a beauty.” Minhyuk’s lips lifted into a teasing smile and spoke again before she could protest. “I mean, your mascara was all smudged during the night when I first saw you. If I fell for you then, I’m sure bed hair and no makeup won’t scare me away.”

“My makeup was…” Mira trailed off, apparently not having known this. She looked away from him, burying her face in embarrassment as she muttered cries of “Dear God, no.”

Minhyuk laughed at her overdue embarrassment. “You are beautiful no matter what. And since I am handsome too, our babies will be blessed with amazing visuals.”

“B-b-babies?” Mira’s heart jumped, staring at him with wide eyes of fear. 

“Yeah, now that we are legally married, we can make them!” Minhyuk said with a bright smile, perhaps not exactly knowing what he was implying with it. It made Mira panic for two different reasons.

“But I don’t know if I’m ready yet. You know I hate kids. Oh no, what if I will end up hating my own child? I’ll be the worst mother in the whole world!”

“You will be the best mother Nina will ever have,” Minhyuk said, giving her a small kiss at the side of her lips. His statement was filled with such conviction it sounded more like as a fact rather than mere encouragement.

“Nina? The baby has a name already?” 

“Yeah, you told me you liked the name. We’ll have a baby girl and we’ll call her Nina,” Minhyuk said.

“Did I really say that to you?”

Minhyuk paused. He was certain she had told him about wanting to name a girl Nina, and if it were a boy, well, she was really reluctant about having a boy.

“Either way, you’ll be a great mother. You will love your daughter, and your daughter loves you,” Minhyuk said, planting more kisses that slowly trailed up to her lips.

“You make it very hard for me to say no,” she said, feeling his lips fully press on hers as he positioned himself over her.

“You’re not supposed to say no,” he grinned mischievously, leaning down to take her entire lips in his. A small innocent kiss eventually led up to more.

It didn’t take long before the news of her pregnancy took everyone by storm.

***

Time went by so fast, and Mira could barely remember about her morning sickness or weird cravings towards sweets and citruses. Oh what a contrast it was to her regular love for vanilla latte. By the time she neared her ninth month, she started to take a maternity leave from the clinic she worked at as an assistant dentist.

“I can’t wait till she’s finally born,” Mira complained, looking down at her extended belly. It was such a chore to sit down on a chair, and she made sure to express her groans out loud.

“Can’t wait to finally be a mom?” Minhyuk grinned, faithfully holding her hand all the while she struggled to land on the chair.

“Can’t wait to finally be human again,” Mira corrected, not in the mood to be humored by his remarks. “I can finally wear buttoned jeans instead of these rubber band ones. You must be glad you won’t have to wake up to a whale every morning.”

Her infuriated hormones made him laugh, and Minhyuk could endure all of her rants no matter how many times he had heard them before. “No one said you look like a whale,” he said.

“I did. I said it myself.”

“You’re still beautiful in my eyes,” Minhyuk said.

“You should get your eyes checked,” she said snarkily.

Minhyuk laughed louder at this. It was true what they said, a couple tend to resemble each other more over time. Her remark was an exact replica of his reply to Kihyun when the guy called his own reflection handsome. 

He knew it was just a temporary mood swing, but Minhyuk did whatever he could to make her feel better. So he gave her a peck on her forehead.

“I’ll make you citrus tea,” Minhyuk said, knowing it was included on the top of her cravings list. 

He looked at the calendar, realizing it was December 25th. Before he heated the water, his hand remained still against the handle. His eyes quickly scanned the clock, coming to a great realization. He did a mental countdown in his head, knowing this situation all too well.

Three. Two. One.

Mira started to scream in excruciating pain, grabbing unto the table, her nails trying to pierce through the glass. She winced in various position as Minhyuk walked up to support her.

Her water broke.

***

Lee Nina was the name of their adorable and healthy baby girl. Minhyuk had always been excited about kids, and having a baby of his own felt like a miracle. He had his many firsts with Mira, but he would never forget the first time when little Nina wrapped her tiny little fingers around his index finger. The touch was the only thing missing in his life, and for one second, everything felt like it was finally falling into place. He knew that wasn’t the case, but he would delude himself with the temporary illusion.

Even Mira who used to dislike children had her paternal instincts awakened by Nina’s existence. It was by nature that she knew how to care for her child, showing an infinite amount of love and affection until she was raised into a lovely young girl. At age three, Nina was just as poised as her mother was, and as snarky as her father could be.

“Babe, can you help me get the water?” Mira asked, as she laid in bed.

Nina placed her crayon on the table, staring at her mom with a calm and composed look. “You’re getting old,” she remarked, a tiny echo of Minhyuk’s snarkiness.

“None of us is getting younger, Nina. Now can you be a dear and help mommy get some water?” Mira asked, chuckling weakly when her daughter shook her head and fetched a glass of water anyway.

Knowing she hadn’t been feeling well, Minhyuk offered to cook and wash the dishes tonight, and yesterday, and the day before. They all assumed Mira was overworked from her crazy working hours, but after several weeks, her fatigue did not get any better. Minhyuk had to feign a blind eye, knowing Mira wouldn’t want anyone to worry.

He retrieved the water from Nina’s hand and went to sit with his wife. He helped her get up, using his chest as a pillow, before he handed the water to her.

“Maybe we should see a doctor,” he suggested, the words tasting bitter to his mouth. Mira may have been reluctant, but Minhyuk had an entirely different reason for his unwillingness to go.

“I’m fine. A doctor isn’t necessary,” Mira laughed it off.

Minhyuk wasn’t laughing with her. Her random fatigue occurred several times over the few years, her skin faded to a dulled shade of her usual shine, and she had stomach aches that led to digestive problems.

Before he could say anything, Mira suddenly made a gagging noise, her hand quickly covered . She tried to swallow her saliva, wincing in pain when it became too hard to do. As she hurried to pull her blanket away, could not hold off the vomit she threw on the bedside. The small remains of food she had barely eaten and orange colored liquid splattered on the floor.

Minhyuk’s heart stopped beating for one second, the color leaving his face. It couldn’t be. His eyes flashed over the date on his smartphone. It was too soon.

“Ew, mommy made a mess!” Nina’s voice interrupted the silence.

Mira seemed to almost faint when she looked up, searching for Minhyuk’s eyes. “I’m fine,” she muttered weakly.

She was definitely not fine. Minhyuk had to quickly hold unto her before her strength gave away. She fell right into his chest again.

“We’re going. Today. I’ll make an appointment with Dr. Shin.”

He couldn’t hold it off any longer than this. 

***

They dropped Nina off at the daycare before heading to the hospital. Dr. Shin Wonho performed the regular check up procedure, asking several questions, before he finally came up with a conclusion that shocked her heart into complete devastation.

“You have cancer.”

The news was so absurd Mira could only laugh weakly. Was this some sort of prank Minhyuk and the doctor was pulling on her? But when she turned to Minhyuk and saw the somber look on his face, she knew he wasn’t good enough of an actor to trick her. He held her hand, his fingers trembling with a sensation that couldn’t be feigned.

“How severe is it?” Minhyuk asked quietly.

Wonho readjusted his glasses, heaving a deep sigh before he dared himself to look the couples in the eyes again. “Stage 4.”

The two were at a loss for words. Their fingers interlaced, but both were shaking, both tried consoling, both were uncertain.

“According to your stories, you have been showing symptoms and signs for several years now. Have you never gone to the hospital to diagnose it?” Wonho asked.

“No… I…” Mira hesitantly turned to Minhyuk before looking at the doctor again. “I’ve always thought I was overworked, or that it was an after effect of the pregnancy. Though it has been three years, I didn’t… I didn’t know…”

“If the cancer was still in its early stage, we could’ve started treatments as soon as possible. Considering it has already grown and spread out to damage the healthy cells, the success rate of treatments will be…”

He trailed off, knowing not to continue when Minhyuk and Mira’s expression conveyed their understanding. Like a sudden switch had been , Mira’s tears began to flow.

“Does this mean I will…?”

Minhyuk did not want to hear it, and quickly wrapped his arms around her. His nails nearly dug into her skin, attempting in his own pathetic way to make her stay in this world.

“I recommend you to start immediate treatments. We may not guarantee a successful outcome, but it may slow the growth rate of cancer cells,” Wonho recommended.

Mira looked at her husband, searching for comfort in the warmth of his hands. It was the only thing she could hold on to, driving the belief it would be fine.

It was a false belief.

***

Minhyuk could no longer keep count of their radiation therapy visits. How many times did he watch his wife go through the linear accelerator? How many times had they attempted to minimize the growth of cancer cells? But the doctor’s response remained the same.

“I’m sorry.”

An apology wasn’t good enough, but there was nothing he could do about it. Some things couldn't be changed. Death was inevitable. It could only be delayed, but not prevented.

Finally they opted for chemotherapy, and Minhyuk felt his heart constrict with pain as he watched her hair, the pride and crown of a woman, be shaven. Her beautiful dark locks fell on the floor, every strand dispersing a new onset of tears. It wasn’t the hair loss that saddened them, rather, the physical symbolism of a fall in their seemingly perfect life.

“Why does mommy have no hair?” Nina asked, watching her beloved mother with big curious eyes. She then looked at Minhyuk as he rocked her in his arms.

“Because she is a very brave woman,” Minhyuk answered, pressing his lips into the faintest resemblance of a smile.

“Can I have no hair too? I wanna be brave for mommy too!” The little girl exclaimed with excitement. “Maybe she will stop crying at night.”

Minhyuk looked at her with a loss for words, his eyes slowly curtained by his tears. He heard Mira’s soft sobs growing into hysteric cries everytime he wrapped his arm around her at night. He should’ve known the walls weren’t sound proof, allowing Nina to hear the same resonance. She was worried too. She wanted to help. But there was nothing either of them could do.

No one could.

“How do I look?” Mira’s weak voice broke his thoughts.

Minhyuk turned to see his wife in a faint vision he, for once, wished to erase from his memories. The day was coming closer and closer, and he dreaded it. He saw the smile she tried to maintain; not for her sake, not for his sake, but for their daughter’s. It pained him, knowing she hid her wretched tears behind her pained smile. Yet, his opinion never changed.

“Beautiful,” he answered, giving a peck on her forehead. He pressed his lips a few seconds longer than intended, unable to control more tears from flowing out. 

The moment she felt his warm tears against the bare scalp of her head, the strong front she tried to pretend came crashing down like a fallen fort. Her body began to tremble uncontrollably and she wrapped her arms around Minhyuk’s waist who stood by her side.

“I’m scared,” she whimpered, and it was the realest emotion she had ever allowed herself to show in front of anyone.

Minhyuk always wanted a real and genuine reaction from her, but not like this. Not when it hurt her. He held her closer, unable to stop his own cries. He didn’t want to lie. Couldn’t tell her it would be alright when he knew it wouldn’t. The only thing he could do was to cry louder than her, to drown her desperate plea within his own voice. So when Nina inquired about it, he could keep on telling her how brave her mommy had been.

***

This was the day of another chemotherapy, and the doctor wasn’t fooling anyone. He had informed them that the cancer cells kept growing, and none of their attempts managed to diminish it. They both knew what it meant. 

Mira had grown weaker and weaker as she lied in the hospital bed. The lush color on her radiant face left a dullness that resembled neither death or life. It was nearly impossible for her to move on her own aside from the occasional shifting of her head in slow agonizing movements.

“This is it, isn’t it?” Mira asked quietly.

She requested the doctor to be as truthful as possible regarding her condition, and Wonho told her this will be their final attempt. If this resort didn’t work out, it indicated a victory to the ever growing cancer cells. The lack of conviction in his tone was enough to indicate his prediction of the outcome. Mira was a realist, and therefore requested Minhyuk to see her alone.

“I must look horrible,” she said, trying to lighten the desolation with her own humor. Her weak, barely there laughter turned into a cough, which worried her husband immediately.

“You still look beautiful.” Minhyuk grabbed her thin, skeleton like fingers within his. It hurt him, knowing she hadn’t been able to eat properly, feeling the effect cradled between his hands. “More beautiful than those Photoshopped magazine cover models.”

Mira couldn’t help but laugh again. “Do you remember the first time you spoke to me?” 

“Of course.”

He remembered it all. The first time he noticed her presence at the cafe. The first time he heard her voice. The first time they had spoken. The first time he took her order. The first time he confessed. The first time they kissed. The first time he proposed. The first time they had a child. Every first and last, he could never forget a single second of their moments together.

“You wrote me a note on a napkin…”

“Live well,” he continued her sentence. It was the quote from her favorite book, the one he had eventually ended up reading in order to get to know her better.

“Yes,” Mira exhaled weakly, trying to grip his fingers tighter, but her movements were so weak and feeble, Minhyuk held hers instead. “I want you to promise me one thing.”

Minhyuk stayed silent, not liking where this was going. He had seen this day coming, many times before. And every single time, he was still unprepared for it.

“Promise me that even without me, you will continue to live well.”

It was her final request. Minhyuk couldn’t find it in him to protest back. He couldn’t tell her she was his reason for living. That unlike the book she loved so much, loving someone did not always mean to let go. What if he didn’t want to? He couldn’t. He wanted to stay with her just a little bit longer. Was it too selfish of him? He wanted to hold on.

But in front of her, Minhyuk never argued. He only nodded his head, bringing her hand to his lips to plant a kiss against her bony palm.

Then the door opened, and the halt of shuffling feet indicated the doctor’s arrival. It was time for her final treatment.

Neither of them wanted to release their hold, because a part of them knew, once they let go, they would have lost their world. Agonizing cries erupted from their silence, and though the pain remained unspoken, the final words uttered to each other were endless proclamations of “I love you”s.

The doctor and nurses entered the room, ushering Minhyuk outside where Nina and the other family members were waiting. They heard the beeping of Mira’s heart rate on the monitor as the doctors continued the procedure.

But Minhyuk held it in, tried to mute it out as much as he could. He vividly remembered it wouldn’t take longer than ten minutes before silence took over the room. It wouldn’t take long before her heart would stop beating entirely. He couldn’t bring himself to relive it again.

Minhyuk knelt down beside his daughter, his eyes deprived of rational thinking, gazing with desolated hollowness. He gave Nina a small peck, his hand trembling as he caressed her head. “We’ll meet soon, sweetie” he whispered, flashing a forced smile that sustained the root of his sadness. 

Ignoring his father’s stares, Minhyuk proceeded to accept the uniqueness of his ability which his wife and daughter never knew about. He never quite understood the decision his grandpa made until placed at the same crossroad. Between spending more time with a loved one or continue living in isolation, the answer was clear. Every single time, at this exact moment, Minhyuk always chose to go back to the past. 

He made this selfish decision out of his desire to hold on to his source of happiness. People say to never look back at the past, but why? What if the past defined his happiest moments? Was it selfish of him to choose happiness? Was it selfish to choose Mira at the expense of his reduced longevity? Was it selfish to choose his romance with Mira, at the cost of never getting to see Nina grow up? 

Yes. Because a life without her was not a life lived well.

Despite the chaotic cries inside the patient’s room, despite the silenced heart rate monitor that followed afterwards, Minhyuk made up his mind to travel back to the day when they first met. He was ready to let go of everything and restart from the beginning, like a sequenced time of his life set on repeat, even if he had to lose his own life span.

Years ago, Minhyuk pondered why his grandfather did it if he knew it would give him less time with his loved ones? Now he understood. Because perhaps, it was what earned him more time instead.

The moment he blinked his eyes, he was back to nineteen. Back to the cafe. Back to the rainstorm. Back to the first meeting. Back to the beginning of all their firsts.

Minhyuk got used to time’s alteration in his body. Despite his physical state growing weaker, he could endure it. Being able to be with her was the only driving force he needed to persevere.

And there, she walked in. Hair drenched, mascara running, lips crooked, book ruined. Minhyuk suppressed his smile at the sight of the most beautiful woman in the world. He buried all their memories once again, ready to relive it for the nth time.

Only this time, he wasn’t patient enough to play by the rules. So he took up the red umbrella he stored within his bag and returned to the counter as quick as he could—although the effect of his chronic age made him move slower than the average nineteen year old. When it was Mira’s turn to order, Minhyuk hurried to take his friend’s place, gasping for breath from excessive movements. He wanted to be the one whom she would lay her eyes on all over again and spend her future with for as long as they could before he had to reset it again. 

Because to live well, was to compromise with time, and follow the relentless pursuit of an existing love story.

This time, his first may just be his last.

“How may I help you, Han Mira?”

 

So this was a one shot I wrote from two years ago for a one shot exchange with Kimmi. Would be a waste after writing this much and not publish it, even if it may not be good (I honestly have to idea what I had written). It was my attempt at writing a time travelling story. And also an attempt at making slice of life angst since Kimmi loves them so XD Thank you for reading!