“The reason that it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.”

–Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Autumn brought a lot of changes. The trees begun to change colours, brought a beautiful array of different coloured foliage which eventually dropped off into our yards.  The highways were covered with a beautiful kilter of gorgeous coloured trees.

The scenery outside was fairly fine. It’d be nice to have a walk while enjoying fall under the shades of those rosewood like colour of leaves.

First month…

Fall is here

Beauty of nature started to fade

Leaves fall out of trees

The past month was hard for me. But as time went by, I learned how to accept the reality that was happening to the only woman I ever loved. I thought it was the end of it, but the second day was the most frightening day of my entire life.

I just arrived from the hospital when Dr. Yang, Jessica’s doctor stepped in a few moments after I entered the room. Dr. Yang wore a pokerfaced as he trod towards the bed where Jessica lied down.

“Good morning, Dr. Yang.” Mrs. Jung greeted him with a slight smile on her face.

“Good morning Mrs. Jung. I’m here early this day to tell you the results of your daughter’s examination.” Dr. Yang paused for a good minute. “To be honest with you all, Jessica’s condition worsens for the past long years, because she refused to undergo treatment. The history of her illness started when she was 20. And it’s a miracle that she’s still here with you today.” Dr. Yang explained.

“So, do you mean she has the chance of recovering?” Mrs. Jung queried as she placed her left hand above her chest. She was totally nervous.

“Sorry to tell you this Mrs. Jung, but to be frankly, your daughter is in stage 4. It’s a severe stage of cancer and only few can survive it. In the case of your daughter, she has a few chance of surviving. It’ll be a blessing enough if she’d live within the six months span, after that, we can just pray for a miracle for her.”

Tears started to overflow in Mrs. Jung’s eyes. She was speechless after Dr. Yang’s revelation. And I was too shocked that I didn’t even know how to respond to it. Jessica was sitting silently while her clasped hands were resting on her lap. She was calm and tranquil.

“Please be strong for her, Mrs. Jung. I’ll leave, then.”

When Dr. Yang left the room, Jessica started to cry—a silent cry. Her tears slowly ran down her cheeks. And though she cried so silently, she still managed to smile. She reached for her crying mother’s hands and held it tightly.

“Don’t cry, Mom. I’ll be fine.” She said, wiping her mother’s tears away. Her Mom nodded as she slowly stopped from crying.

“I want to blame myself for happening this to you.” Mrs. Jung said, touching her daughter’s face.

“Look, Mom, you don’t have to blame yourself for what’s happening to me. It’s God’s will. And whatever plans He has for me, I’m willing to accept it whole-heartedly.”

Silence for a moment. I was with them, standing behind Jessica, I didn’t make a move or even noise. I just stared at them with thoughts of what I heard a moment ago. “It’ll be a blessing enough if she’d live within the six months span, after that, we can just pray for a miracle for her. How could someone tell such harsh words when in the first place they are not God to predict so.”

I kept on asking why in billions of people around the globe; Jessica was the one to have it. Why not those people who done harm to others suffered this kind of situation and not a good person like Jessica. I couldn’t understand why. I couldn’t.

The clock was ticking continuously. Everyday was another day to wake up, another chance to start things in the right things. But for Jessica, everyday was a gift of God—to cherish and to live every day with love.

Days goes by and the first month was about to end. Jessica stayed in bed for almost a month and she have to stay still. While looking at her, I couldn’t imagine a day without her because I used to be by her side. She was reading one of Nicholas Sparks’ book—A walk to Remember. She really loved the movie that was why she found ways to have a hardcopy of it. She killed her boring hours reading the book over and over again.

Second month…

Saying I love you

Saying it to you

Hoping you say those words too

Leaves in fire colour rampantly scattered all around. I was running out of time and I didn’t want that six months passed without doing something that would definitely make her happy. Walking back and forth was the first thing I did one morning. I was thinking of the ways to make our remaining days worth keeping.

A great idea crossed my mind after long hours of marching back and forth inside my room. I drove hastily to the hospital and when I got there, I saw Jessica in the veranda of her room, having her breakfast. She was sitting in a wheeled chair.

“Good morning, my one and only love.” I greeted her sweetly. I wasn’t her boyfriend and she wasn’t my girlfriend. But I would love doing these kinds of sweetness to her, like other couples did, though we’re not a couple either.

“Good morning. What’s with the endearment at the end?” she said as she ate a sliced of apple in .

“Hmm…would you like to troll around the vicinity of the hospital?” I queried without hesitations.

“I would love to if my nurse agrees in your idea.” She said and looked directly to where her nurse was.

“You can go if he’s willing to push you.” The nurse said, winking an eye to Jessica.

“That’s not a problem. Can we go now?” the word excitement wasn’t that obvious. Laugh.

The nurse nodded.

When we reached the outside world, far away form the white wall and smell of the hospital, Jessica breathed in a lot of fresh air. Gleefulness was visible in her face as we trolled down. A lot of patient was outside the hospital—some are doing their light exercise program, and some were just doing it a past time for their boredom.

“Autumn is one of the merriest seasons.” Jessica mumbled.

“It would be merriest if you will lend an ear to me just for now.” I said with a beaming smile.

“I always lend my ears to you. Go ahead, tell me.”

My heart was throbbing like it would jump out of my chest any moment. I was nervous. I didn’t know how to start my line. I took a deep blue coloured small box out of my pocket. It was accentuated with a red ribbon. I gave it to her. She opened the box slowly and surely.  A ring surprised her. It was a simple silver ring with small diamonds around it in juxtaposition. She covered , looked at me and then looked back to thing again in her hand.

“W—what’s the m—meaning of this?” she said, stuttering while pointing the ring with her index finger.

I kneeled in front of her, flashed a wonderful smile to cover up my nervousness. “I knew in my heart you’re the one made for me, I’m the one made for you. We’re a perfect match made in heaven. I want you to be my girl and my wife. I’m serious about this. Will you be my bride?” I said as I held her hand.

She shook her head and returned the box to me. “I can’t accept this, Donghae. Sorry. Aren’t you aware of my situation? I’m dying, Donghae. I’m dying.” She said.

“I know. But I want to spend my whole life loving you. I want to fulfill the promise I said to you that night we’re on beach.” I said seriously. Our eyes met. And I felt a giddy feeling inside me—inside my heart.

She pivoted her gaze away, trying to avoid mine. “I’m ugly. I’m sick. I’m dying. Do you still want to marry me?”

“You’re the most beautiful things in these eyes of mine.” I said as I cupped her face to face me again.

And here they are again—the tears started to flow down her cheeks. I hated to see her cry. “All this time, you never fail me to feel special, to feel comfortable and secure. I tried to ignore you and the feelings you wanted me to feel, but I couldn’t take it anymore.” She said, wearing her heart on her sleeves.

“I love those cute eyes of yours, so stop crying.” I said as I planted a kiss on her both eyes. “I love you so much, Jessica. I love you. And no matter what happen to us tomorrow, I will still love you.” I uttered as I held her hand and squeezed it lightly.

“I love you too, Donghae. Thanks for making me feel loved.” after exchanging those little words, I held her left hand and placed the ring in her finger. It was perfect to her, really perfect.

We hugged each other. I knew love never gave us the license to own a person forever, only a chance to enjoy someone’s company for a moment. And if God only gave us six months to cherish and love each other, I was really thankful for that. I was thankful that at some point in my life, I learned how to love and be loved in return

After the very sudden proposal, I started preparing a small church wedding where our family and some close friends would share the very special moment with us. Each day was a very busy day for me because of the preparation. I wanted it to be perfect for it only happened once in a lifetime. And I wanted it to be perfect, as perfect as the word itself.

Third month…

Side by side in the altar

Ready to say our vows

Our pledge of love

We’re excited for the wedding. Even Jessica kept on asking me how the preparation was going. She always reminded me that everything should be simple and solemn. She even chose a simple wedding dress with not so long veil and fresh tulips as her bouquet.

On our wedding day, she trod down the aisle with her Mom pushing her wheeled chair. She was the most stunning and beautiful woman before my eyes. Her smile glistened as she approached me. “Take care of my girl.” Her Mom mumbled before leaving the altar. We’re facing the altar with big smiles on our faces.

And I swear by the moon…And the stars in the sky I'll be there…I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there…For better or worse…Till death do us part…I'll love you with every beat of my heart…And I swear…

The background song was playing that made the moment so perfect and full of love. “Let me love you from the bottom of my heart. Let me love you until the river runs dry. Let me love you until the stars stop shining. Let me love you until my last breath. Jessica, wear this ring as a sign of my everlasting love and faithfulness to you, till death to us part, I love you.” And I wore the ring to her finger.

“I thank God that He sent me such an angel where I found my strength. And whatever happens to us tomorrow, I promise to be yours forever. You have my love to hold. You have my love to cherish. Forever I will love you. Wear this ring as a sign of my everlasting love and faithfulness to you, till death do us part, I love you, too.”  She said as she slowly dragged the ring into my finger.

We sealed our vows with passionate kiss. The first time I kissed a woman’s lips made my heart skipped a beat. It was the happiest day of our live—to be as one. She’s my wife. I was her husband.

After the wedding we asked for doctor’s permission to celebrate our special day in my own house that I designed and built long ago. Jessica was surprised that we have our house. She sat in the big white couch and tapping it over and over again. A vibrant smile on her lips prevailed. A smile I never saw for a long time.

“Thank you for spending your life with me, though I only have a little time to spend it with you.” Jessica said randomly.

I eyed and walked my way towards her. I hugged him tightly as I felt a hard stab on my chest. I lost those thoughts for a moment. But reality knocked me down again. I thought everything was perfect now that we’re married, but it’s not. It’s the scariest day of the year. Yet only one thing scared me that we might never have met.“Don’t say that, Jessica. God works in mysterious ways that’s why miracle happens. And I still believe, miracle is coming your way, our way.” I said, feeling a bit hopeless inside. But I have to be strong for my wife.

“Yeah. Maybe, God sent you to me to really strengthen me up because He knew how weak I am. To be here with me because a big challenge crossed my way and it’s my sickness. You’re such an angel to me, baby.” She said as she touched my face.

“No, you’re my angel because you taught me how to love. You taught me this kind of feeling and gave me the chance to experience this God’s best creation.” I said as I pecked a kiss on her cheek.

The last week of fall came and time really went by so fast for us. It was night time when we’re cuddling in the veranda in the midst of the yellow porch light. She laughed like a little child as I cracked random jokes. And in that moment, I knew we’re infinite.

“Look, baby, there’s a star.” Jessica outstretched her hand as she pointed to where the star was.

“Oh, yeah, it’s the only star that glistens in the vastness of the sky.” I said as I wrapped my hands around her. Her head was resting on my chest.

“I’m tired. Let’s stay like this for a long while, baby. You heart is shouting for my name, right?” she queried as she placed her ear where my heart rested.

“Yes, it’s shouting for your name and it will always shout your name.” I said as I touched some strands of her hair.

“My heart will do the same for you, baby.” She said, patting my chest slowly.

…

…

…

…

A moment of silent crossed us. I was staring at her calm face as she slowly shut her eyes. She was humming a sweet lullaby in a low tone. I was continuously touching her hair when she mentioned something about stars again.

“Do you know that when someone died, they become stars?” she said calmly while her eyes were still closed.

“I didn’t know that, baby.” I replied innocently.

“When the day comes that I have to leave you, and one night you miss me, look up in the sky and search for the brightest star among stars.” she said as she squeezed my hand.

“Why should I? You won’t die, baby.”

“You should coz the star that twinkles so brightly, it will be me. I will watch over you and guide you. I love you so much, baby. I love you forever.” She said so softly and sweetly. She squeezed my hand for the last time and released it. And then, she never uttered again. I stared in the dark sky for a half an hour when I realized it was getting late and a bit cold outside.

“Let’s go in, baby. It’s late and cold here.” she never moved.

“Baby?” she remained unmoving.