It’s a photoshoot. That, Soojung can handle; that, Soojung is used to. What she wasn’t used to (or handle, for the matter) is the sight of Seulgi heading into the same photoshoot Soojung is. “Why didn’t you tell me my photoshoot would be with Seulgi?” Soojung accuses, looking at her manager.

“I didn’t know!” her manager replies, hands raised defensively. “Besides, what’s the problem? I thought you guys are friends.”

Soojung looks away and thinks about nights spent dancing on top of the SM trainee building and afternoons over shared milkshakes. “Not anymore,” she mumbles. Not after Soojung had abandoned Seulgi to debut and never bothered to come back to her. But the truth is, Soojung did bother; she always bothered too much whenever it came to Seulgi and that’s why she forced herself to never look back. (Seulgi may be slow but Soojung only had so much time before she figures out that it was love that was in Soojung’s eyes whenever she looked at the other girl. That, Soojung thinks, is what she fears more than anything.)

.

When she enters the waiting room, Seulgi is the only other person there and Soojung curses the stylists for not preparing ahead of time, for not sparing her from finally facing her actions. “Hi, Seulgi,” Soojung greets shyly, hesitantly, and almost recoils back at how loud it sounds in the empty room.

Seulgi looks up from her phone and smiles at her like she would at anyone else because Seulgi has never been anything but kind, even though Soojung know she had hurt her. Soojung knows she should be elated that Seulgi even bothered to smile at her in the first place, but a part of her dislikes it, dislikes that Seulgi had smiled at her like she was just any other person. (At one point, she had been Soojung, had been Seulgi’s Soojung, but she’s not anymore and Soojung has only herself to blame.) “Hi Krystal,” Seulgi says back and Soojung frowns.

‘Krystal?’ Soojung thinks to herself and frowns even deeper.

.

(When she was younger, Soojung had always liked the name “Krystal” better. It sounded cooler and more exotic, especially with the ‘K’ instead of a ‘C’ in front of it, even if Soojung and Krystal mean exactly the same thing and the difference between the ‘K’ and the ‘C’ can’t be heard anyways. (It was in the way Seulgi furrow her brows when she attempts to curl her lips around the ‘r’ in Krystal that Soojung realized that she was in love with the other girl. And now, Soojung thinks, she can’t handle how much she hates the ease Seulgi says her name with.))

.

Greeting each other is their only interaction and Soojung spends a good portion of the next hour staring at her phone screen, but really, she’s staring at the girl sitting across from her, and Seulgi spends it texting on her phone, smiling to herself every once in a while. (Soojung sees the name ‘Seungwan’ flashing on Seulgi’s phone and wonders if she even had the right to be jealous anymore.)

.

It’s been over an hour and Soojung wonders with an urgency what’s taking the staff so long to get ready. Seulgi had only gotten even more beautiful and Soojung quickly figures out that she’s still as much in love with Seulgi as she had been six years ago. It’s been a while now. The staff is probably finishing up preparations right now, the rational part of Soojung’s mind reasons. Soojung can last up until then, even if she feels like bursting.

.

(But then she doesn’t and things go even further downhill when Soojung was sure they had already hit rock bottom.)

.

“Do you hate me?” Soojung blurts out into the silence and instantly fears the answer.

“No,” Seulgi replies, eyes still on her phone but Soojung can see that her eyes are glazed over, can see that Seulgi’s only looking without really looking. Soojung knows she should be relieved at the answer, but then she remembers how that once, on the train, Soojung had told Seulgi she hated some man who had stolen the last seat in the car. Seulgi had told her with a small laugh that it was useless to hate a stranger, had told her that he’d be nothing more than a blip in the grand scheme of her life and that the moment she stepped off this train, she’d forget all about him. (Soojung wonders if this is how Seulgi sees her.)

“Do you not hate me because you think I’m a stranger now?”

Seulgi puts down her phone and looks Soojung straight in the eye. Soojung swallows but doesn’t dare look away. “It wasn’t me who changed,” Seulgi replies softly with a tilt of her head and it irritates Soojung how simply Seulgi thinks the situation is.

“You don’t understand,” Soojung lashes out, angry when faced with the reality of what she did. “You’ve never been in love, you don’t ge-”

“I was once, when I was younger.” Seulgi cuts in, eyes solemn and unwavering. “But then you left and I promised never again.” In the silence that follows, the words Soojung had in all shatter as if they were her heart. Someone opens the door to the waiting room and tells Seulgi that the stylists are ready for her now. “Goodbye, Soojung,” Seulgi says as she leaves. Soojung hates how final it sounds.