Unrequited [Farewell] - 요키 님

It’s almost 3 months now… and Hyemi’s still not written back.
I drink my 3^rd glass of beer, as I re-read her last letter.

“Dear Elf,

Hey, thanks for that wonderful party you and the others threw for me. I really appreciate it. In my whole 2 years in this flat, no one really made any effort in making me feel special, except maybe Mrs. Byun. Always giving me free soup and muffin… well, I never really much interacted with anyone. So thank you really. It feels like I just experienced all the fun in life. I never really had much close friends, those that I can tell my secrets and all, I was too much of a nerd, reading too much and studying too much. I wasn’t even aware that I was graduating. I didn’t even attend the senior dance or the grad ball, no experience of all that fun they were talking about.

You remember the first day you talked to me? Well, me too. I’m like this child that writes everything in her diary, I hope you don’t mind me writing about it. It’s a good memory to keep you know? Meeting you and Kyungsoo and Baekhyun. You remember your birthday last month? That’s the day when I realized I have fallen for you. Well it was technically the day after your birthday. I don’t know, maybe it was your charms, or how you’re so responsible, or how deep your voice is, or how no matter how huge your ears are, it’s always so cute, or how adorable your dimples are, I can just drown in them, or how you talk and look at me with the most beautiful smiles. There are more things, but I’d rather not write them here.

Look, Chanyeol. I’m leaving. No, it’s not because I know you don’t have the same feelings for me? Psh, how do I know? I don’t, I just don’t expect anything. I’m leaving because I have to. I never told you, nor did I tell Kyungsoo or Baekhyun. Perhaps I was too scared of what you’d say, or feared that you’d stay away, because you can’t stop your smoking habit. Was I foolish enough to put my life on the line, just to spend time with you? Yes. My health should have always been first. But I didn’t think that. And now, I might lose things very important to me. My family, my job, my friends… you.

I have cancer.
I don’t know when I’ll be gone… I only found out.
Stage II. The cancer cells were found in both of my lungs and is near the my lymph nodes. I’m going to stay at my parents place, so that they could take care of me. I just resigned from the teaching online. I told them what happened, and you know what? They were nice enough to send me some help and encouragements. It felt nice. Yeah, stage II of cancer is not good, Chanyeol, I can feel lumps form already, and soon enough I’m up to stage III. I don’t have time left, and I am devastated that I won’t probably have any left to spend some with you… and everyone else.

But if I do get better. I’ll be back. I’ll get back here to Kyungsoo, to Baekhyun, to Mrs. Byun, and to you. I’ll fight it, I promise. I’ll be back to spend my time leisurely with everyone. I’m sorry for leaving like this.
I love you.

Love, Hyemi.”

Getting carried away by the surroundings, I cried. Quickly, I wiped the tears that escaped my eyes, and ordered another glass of beer. I looked around me, and before my eyes were people in all ages, drinking and having great conversations with their friends, some of them even shed a tear. The singers were great enough to make us feel this way. They were singing ‘Open Arms’ and the singers were no other than Kyungsoo and Baekhyun. Those s, singing that song in front of me, whilst they know what I’m going through right now, maybe that person who shed a tear feels the same way. Maybe I should go talk to him and ask him why he shed a tear. As I did so, he said his wife just passed away, and so he was spending his time here. He didn’t want to mourn over her for the rest of his life, but I guess it’s better said than done.

I was about to order another glass when Baekhyun stopped me. I almost made a scene, when Kyungsoo also helped.

“Just let me go…”
I tried to sound not drunk as much as possible, but my voice failed me.

“Oh, shut up Chanyeol. You’re drunk, and I am taking you home.”
Baekhyun dragged me out the bar they were working at.

“C’mon, you’re still working right? You two are like—the greatest singers they have! You got’ta go back in there…”
I tried to free myself from Baekhyun’s grip.

“Chanyeol, please! You definitely had too much beer already. The bar closed an hour ago. We’re taking you home.”
Kyungsoo snappily said, as he grabbed my other arm and propped it around him.

“Kyungsoo, Baekhyun. Please, I can get home by myself.”
I successfully got them off me, but my legs failed me and I fell face first.

“Chanyeol!”
Panicking, they harmonized, and helped me get back up on my feet.

On my feet, I tried to keep my balance. My face facing the ground. Not long enough, tears started falling from my eyes. First a trickle, and soon like waterfalls non-stop. I can’t believe I’m crying… Of course I do.
 

“Oh, Chanyeol. Please stop crying.”

“Y-yeah… We’ll get you ice cream. Let’s go home now okay?”
Kyungsoo and Baekhyun patted my back and gave me comforting words. But it was too late and I couldn’t stop crying.

“But it was my fault…”

“I did this to her.”

“I’m the cause of this… this thing!”

“That, cancer! It was my fault, that’s why she got it!”

“I mean… sure--! She was stupid enough not to tell us—me. So it’s partly her fault too!—“

“But, it’s only because she had feelings for me. So technically, it’s mostly my fault.”

“God! Why did I have to get addicted to smoking?! Now I might be losing someone important to me… Like, why couldn’t I have been addicted to something else better. Like, singing or… or dancing?! Or the internet… of food!?”

I was self loathing… I blamed myself, all jokes aside. Though I can clearly see these two already crying and laughing at the same time. Someone walking by, would probably think, we’re kids having dramatic moments. I’d probably agree though.

“Hey, hey… c’mon now. That’s enough. Let’s go. You’re starting to sound like my girlfriend when we fight.”
Baekhyun said, wiping his tears and started to drag me again.

“Yeah… You sound like one of those teens who asks themselves why they’re like that, then not doing anything about it. Let’s get you home. Taxi~!!”
Kyungsoo, also started to drag me, and called in a cab.

In the cab, Baekhyun started talking about his girlfriend. How she gets in a bad mood, and starts to self loathe and point things out about what she hate about herself. Then Baekhyun saying the wrong things, and she’d go cry and blames herself, how she’s not a good girlfriend and so on. Either way, he loves her. Just the way she is, turns out the girl just had some problems with some people. You see, Baekhyun is like the popular guy in us three… and girls, get pretty attached, and things get ugly. Now that he found the perfect girl for him, he’s happy and content. Then, Kyungsoo. About his long-distance relationship with Jongin. How they don’t get enough time together and all, but still loves each other the same. Yes, you see, Kyungsoo is what people say a biual, nothing wrong with that. Singers get around I guess. I mostly get left out when they talk about these things, and I don’t see how this is going to help me, so I stopped them.

“Alright, enough about your love-lives. What’s your point? That I’m a lonely writer? Is that it?”
I snapped.

“C’mon, Chanyeol. We’re only trying to get your mind off of things.”
Baekhyun said.

“Yeah, well it’s not working. It just made me feel worse.”
I replied.

“And why is that?”
Kyungsoo asked.

“Well… because it made me think about Hyemi. Like, what if I did like her back? Would she have not left? Or better yet, told me she has asthma, so I could have stopped smoking then and there so she’d not have cancer?”
I answered angrily.

“Well… do you have feelings for her?”
Baekhyun asked.

“No…”
I answered reluctantly.

“I don’t think, it would change anything though, she’d still be too scared to tell you she has asthma, she’ll still would have left… I’m sorry.”
Baekhyun said.

“Yeah… Thinking about it, won’t really do anything.”
Kyungsoo added.

The cab was finally put to a halt, and we were here. I was still pretty drunk and so Kyungsoo helped me up my flat, while Baekhyun stopped by their convenient store to buy me some ice cream. As Kyungsoo was complaining about the sight of my messy flat, he soon started cleaning up. And I… had a little trip to the comfort room. Baekhyun came after a few minutes and cursed at the sight of me covered in my own vomit. While Kyungsoo rested himself on the couch after cleaning up my place, Baekhyun was struggling on changing my clothes.
It was a hell of a night. I am now eating the tub of ice cream Baekhyun bought. I was still pretty messy and I soon passed out.

The next morning,
I wake up in my room, completely cleaned, except for my mouth, which tastes like a mixture of ice cream, beer and morning breath. I suddenly got up, doing that gave me a huge headache. I got to the comfort room and brushed my teeth like no tomorrow. I got to the living room, at the sight of the sleeping Kyungsoo in the couch I went to the fridge, and found a note.

“Hey, sorry. Can’t stay overnight. GF called. Stop drinking!

Love always, Byun Baekhyun.”

Oh… right, I got drunk again. I woke up Kyungsoo and told him to go home. I got out of my flat with him. I told him I’ll just take a stroll as he got in a cab. 

In the shorts and black shirt Baekhyun made me wear last night, I took a stroll down the streets to the convenient store. It is the peak of Spring, and the sun feels great. I got in the store and bought some instant soup, for my hangover. Soon after that, I got into the train, putting my earphones on… as suggested by Hyemi, sometime ago, I listened to music. I felt great, no wonder she never take these things off.
Arriving to my destination, the people going out, we’re hastily getting out like ants about to be drowned. I think, I wasn’t the only one in a hurry. I walked down the familiar busy streets of the area. A few blocks away I see from here the sign, ‘Plaisant Memoire’. Pleasant memories indeed.
Getting closer I see a familiar stance, yet she seemed weaker, like fragile glass walking around.
I called out to her.

“Hyemi!”



I broke my promise.
I am back, but not better.
My doctors tried their best, but to no avail… I am weaker than ever. I refused taking chemotherapy. Not only does it cost so much, I don’t think it will really help.
And here I am on my way back to my flat where it all started.
The doctors said I only had 4 months left. They told me that 3 months ago. Only one more to go. I’ve spent those 3 months with my family, and now it’s time for my friends. I wonder… should I tell them? At the right time maybe.
Stopping by at the restaurant where I first met him…
I heard a familiar voice…
A familiar deep voice.
I looked towards the voice slowly… and it is--
I see him.

Oh it had been so long.
I finally saw him.
This person... That makes my heart skip a beat every time we meet.
And I just couldn't help it.
I couldn't help it. It's been so long...
And so I ran... I ran to him.
And I hugged him.
And he hugged me back.
My arms draped around him, my head buried in his neck.
And he did the same.
Suffocated by the faint smell of cigarette on him, yet I endured it.
For he is in my arms, and I am in his.
For who knows how much time could have passed.
And I didn't care.
For I am in his hold, and he is in mine.
And then he breathed on my neck.
"I missed you."
Yet this is not love.
For there is only one heart that loves.
For it is only I that loves, yet he does not.
I am suffocated.
No, not by the smell of cigarette lingering on him, but with the pain that only I can feel.
The pain that stabs me every time we touched.
The pain of an unrequited love.