This chapter got way out of hand. It got too long so I'll divide it into two parts.

 

Unrequited [I’ll be back] - 요키 님

 

I've been hanging around them more... yet the letters never stopped.  Texting was not an option, I only send him texts if its urgent. Inside the letters were the words I never hear from him when we're with the others. The letters were the things that kept me up at night. I would keep on thinking of what his reply be. But contrary to what I think, he always positively replies, and it never fails to make my heart beat fast, my breathing unstable. Well, that's not the only thing that makes my breathing unstable. Chanyeol smokes too much that I now wear a mask when I'm with them, his 3 times-a-day schedule is not really being followed anymore. Now its ‘whenever-he-wants’ schedule. And it is hurting me, literally. Even though I am covering my nose, I can still smell it. The smoke still enters my lungs and it painfully suffocates me. One time it got so bad, I was already in tears, my chest felt like it was so clouded and I couldn't breathe. I was with them that time... none of them had an idea of what was going on, they were so panicked that they almost called an ambulance for me, I stopped them of course. I don't want them to worry about me, none the less, they still don’t know about my condition. I have to be careful next time and bring my inhaler with me. These are one of the greatest risks I take... because I think I love him now.

It's unexplainable... I can't control my mind at night anymore, when I am supposed to be teaching my online students, I suddenly think about him. When we hugged hello, or when we hugged good bye. The lingering smell of cigarette on him, I inhaled him in welcomingly, though my lungs didn't agree. I stare at my ceiling, decorated with glow-in-the-dark stars scattered beautifully, unconsciously making up a constalation of Chanyeol's face. I smiled... after my half hearted teaching, I lie down on my back, it was 5am already. I was again back in my thoughts. My deepest thoughts about Chanyeol. Not the Not-Safe-For-Work kind of thoughts, but thoughts about what would, and would not happen. Should I confess? What could his reaction be? Does he shares the same the same feelings towards me? Would confessing be a wrong choice, because it might ruin our friendship? My thoughts were stopped when I heard knocks on my door.

I looked at the clock and it was already 7 in the morning already. I sluggishly stood up and stride to the door. Unlocked it and opened it.

There stood a tall young man. With a creamy complexion and ash brown hair, scooped to one side, showing his elven like ear. His hazel orbs staring down at me. With a cigarette in hand, and he blows. Then flashes me a wide smile.

"Good morning."

He greeted me with his deep voice, so melodic to my ears.

"Hey... why are you up so early?"

I said half-awake with sleepy voice.

"Hahaha, who said I slept? And what about you?"

He chuckled, leaning against my door post.

"That makes the two of us."

I smiled, and he takes another hit on his cigarette, then he blows.

"You know, I'd invite you... but, no cigarettes inside my house. So..."

I covered my nose, because I really couldn't take it anymore, I could feel my breathing tightens.

"Awwhh~~ alright."

He quickly stepped on his cigarette to put it out.

"Can I come in now, for coffee?"

He chuckled and raised an eyebrow.

"Not until you throw that away."

I raised an eyebrow towards the of his cigarette.

"You, have so many demands!"

He said laughing and picked it up.

I smiled and gestured him to come inside.

He strides to the trash bin and threw it.
I turned around to lock my door, and when I turned back.
He was in front of me, leanung down, only a few inches away from me.
I could feel his breath with a hint of cigarette mixed into it. My heart pounding hard, that it's almost visible.
Then he says,

"Can we have coffee now?"

My cheeks flushed red.
To my embarrassment, I pushed him.

"You idiot, you stink of cigarettes!"

And we laughed.

 

Sitting on my bed, mugs of hot coffee in hand.
Quietly sipping, glancing at the sun rays that shines through the window panes.
I quietly took a glance of this young man beside me.
He sits slouching, one hand on the mug, the other on the bed prompting him up.
He looks like a beautiful portrait. It felt like he doesn't exist.
For men like him, only seems to exist in books or movies.
The sun moves slowly, but I know it changed, for its rays are now shining on this young man.
Against his hair, his skin, and his eyes. Now twinkling, it is utterly beautiful.
He smiled.
My eyes widen, I didn't realize that I was staring, and so was he.
He smiled, and ruffled my hair.

"Your coffee's going to get cold."

I smiled and drank my coffee in peace.
The mugs sit quietly on the side table.
Enjoying every second lying next to each other, conversing about things we'd write about on letters.

"The stars on your ceiling is beautiful."
He complemented, I chuckled and thanked him.

"I made it so I won't feel much lonely, those stars are my company."

He took his eyes off the ceiling, and onto me.
Then he hugged me, my hair, and said,

"Well, you're not so alone anymore. You got those stars, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo... and you got me."

I smiled and hugged him back.

"I know... and I'm thankful for that. Thank you for being here."

I was taking it all in. His scent mixed with the horrible scent of cigarette, my tears about to flow, and my heart that's pounding so hard.
I shut my eyes and bury my head on his chest.
His on my hair.
Suffocated by the scent of cigarette, yet I endured it.
For he is in my arms and I am in his.
We were both tired, but none of us let go.
And we sleep.

 

My career is slowly going down the drain. Teaching those people, those people who can't even differentiate his and her, sitting in front of their computers, waiting for their mentor to go online and teach them new things. They had been very burdensome. . . It's not their fault they can't correct their grammar or their spelling. . . And stupid me, took it out all on them. When they make too many mistake, I'd log off and leave them hanging. They are nice enough to apologize, even it was clearly my fault for being childish. I decided after I got their last payments, I would take leave for a while. Those people aren't the reason, no. It is something far more alarming.

About me hanging out with people more, and by people I specifically mean Chanyeol. His smoking habits from bad gone worst. I've become too accustomed to his smoking that a kick in the chest frequently visits me at night. I'd be clinching my chest, tears in my eyes until I get a hold of my inhaler, usually it takes me 2 squeezes and deep inhales to calm down. But these times I almost finish the bottle to get back to my normal breathing pace. I know for myself that I've brought this upon me. I can always avoid the cause... but I just can bring myself to do so.

Walking down the winter streets, I wear a mask and a hooded coat. Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm on my way to my doctor. To ask about what's happening to me.

Long hours of talking to the doctor, specified as a check-up, followed by tests and a screening procedure. Asking about things… things I didn’t know where could get us.

“So… you’re saying that you’ve been out of breath lately?”
Dr. Choi asked me.

“Yes…”
I answered.

“… And that you get tired a lot, loss of appetite… headaches..”
She added.
 

“… Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?”
I replied wondering.

“Miss Song, I know it is wrong to jump into conclusions, but, these are just mere symptoms…”

“Symptoms of what?”

“… Of cancer. Lung cancer to be exact.”

“What!?”

“Look, miss Song. Given that you have asthma, you are very prone to any sickness related to the lungs, or with breathing. I highly advice you stay away from smoke or any of that source at all cost.”

“So… I might get cancer?”

“Nearly there. I’m going to give you a list of meds you need to take, all right?”
She then jot down words on a piece of paper.

“Come to me once a month for check-ups, and if anything happens, come as soon as possible. Got it?”
She then hands me the piece of paper.

I welcomingly accepted the list of meds I needed to take a day and every day for the whole month. Is this real? I ask myself, did I really get myself into this business? Is my life going to end like this? It doesn’t have to be this way right? All I have to do is get away from the cause… And that is Chanyeol.
I nod towards my Dr. Choi, and bid good bye.  
I walk down the winter streets. It has gotten so dark already. With a mask on my face, my phone sits quietly on my pocket. I didn’t even bother to put on my earphones. I was way out of the world. The thought of not seeing Chanyeol lingers in my mind. Counter attacking this thought with another thought, how could it be so hard? When we started as friends, without seeing one another, just enjoying ourselves writing letters. How could it be any different? If we don’t see each other, just for a while for my sake? Getting a heck of headache, while my mind throws in all sorts of thoughts.

I enter the pharmacy and hands over the paper listed with the medicines I needed. The doctor at the pharmacy looked around with the list on his hand, grabbing boxes tablets one at a time, then lined it up in front of me. Introducing me the products, and telling me what time I should take them, and so on. I bought them, and oh my gosh it cost so much… no wonder doctors get paid so much, they probably get kick-backs from this. I thanked and bid good bye to the doctor on the counter, and out in the streets I am again. I took my phone out and noted down the medicine’s name and the time I had to take them. I had better plans for them, so  I wouldn’t forget.

Down my street I see a familiar silhouette, of a guy. I smiled.
Tall and handsome.
As I quietly made my way to him, I observed him first, is this really the guy? My eyes wondering, I see his reflection, our reflection. How lovely, I thought.
I smiled.
… I hugged him from behind.
He was so surprised that he dropped the cigarette he was about to put in his mouth.

“W-what the!?”
He yelled.

“H-hyemi!?”
He yelled in disbelief.

“Gosh! You scared me! What are you doing outside in this cold without anything warm on?”
He pats my head gently.

“What are you talking about? I have a jacket on~!”
I argued.

“Yeah, well it’s not warm enough,”
He then took off the scarf he was wearing and wrapped it around my neck.

“There, perfect. This way you won’t get a cold.”
He held me and smiled… smiled like an idiot.

“T-thank you...”
His scarf fully wrapped around me, I almost looked like a burrito. Though covered in this warm cloth, drenched with his smell. I felt my cheeks flush red.

“Hey, you alright?”
His smile falters and then puts his hand on my forehead, checking my temperature.

“Hmm… you don’t have a fever or anything, why are you so red?”
Concern clearly showed on his face.

“Haha, I’m fine… I need to go now. I’ll see you around?”
I just smiled and bid good bye.

“Oh? Let’s go together! I’m headed home too.”
He said grabbing my arm.

“Well, who told you I’m going home?”
I raised an eyebrow.

“Well, aren’t you?”
He raised an eyebrow, with a weird smirk on his face, fully showing his deep dimples.

“Alright, you got me. Let’s go.”
I gave up, and we walked together, arm in arm.
 

If it weren’t only for his dimples, I wouldn’t go with him.
I don’t want him to know about my illness, I don’t want to go back to square one, where I won’t be able to see him… I don’t want that… I want it to be forever be like this, haha isn’t it cliché wishing for forever? I know it doesn’t exist, but whenever I’m with him, just like this, I don’t want time to ever move again… I’ll just let everything flow for now. I don’t really want to think about what will happen next, not now…

We reached the floor on where our flats are located, with smiles on our faces, unlocking our arms, and then our own doors. I felt his warm arms around me from behind, his head rests on my shoulder, and he whispers…

“You take care alright? And never be afraid on telling me anything. Goodnight.”
He said in my ear.

And he goes. And I was left there… Frozen in disbelief… disbelief of what I just heard. What did exactly did I just hear. I heard his door lock. It was too late to call him back and ask him what the heck, did he just say.

With only the small lamp lit, sitting on my bedside table. My eyes on my ceiling of stars, I lie on my bed, contemplating about what just happened an hour ago. Could he have found out about my illness from someone else? Then who? Or that he just feels like I am hiding something from him? Perhaps maybe I should just tell him… but how? Face to face? Writing him a letter? I think it’s better if it’s by letter. That way I can express myself, without getting distracted by his angelic looks or his deep charismatic voice… Oh how I adore him. Losing him would be too much for me to handle. What should I tell him? I’ll just… put this aside for now…

The sun came rising up. The sun light gently fills up the unlit room. Shining through the hanging paper stars, on the pale girl lying in bed.
She gently opens her eyes and glances on the clock sitting on the bedside table. She gently rise and go through the bag she threw on the side, containing boxes of all kinds of medicines.
She gets a pen and a stack of sticky pads, and started diligently writing the purpose of each medicine and the time she was supposed to take them, then put it away on the cupboard in the kitchen. Making herself a cup of milk and a sandwich, she eats quietly, afterwards taking her respective medicine. She makes her way to the window, opened the curtains and sat by the pane, and slowly sips on her cup.
An hour passed, and she was still seated at the pane, looking out the window and into the streets outside. Watching people, birds and animals, pass by, fly by and brush by each other. Putting away the cup she just drank from… she thought of writing a letter…

“Dear Elf,

Hey, it’s been a while hasn’t it? From when I last wrote a letter. How have you been? I know we met just last night… And speaking of last night, about what you told me? What was it really about? Is there anything bothering you? I admit I haven’t told you everything. Now, don’t think it’s because I don’t trust you. I’m just not comfortable about telling anyone about it… Don’t worry, I will tell you about it. Just, not now. At the right time maybe, when I make up my mind.

There are other concerns I need to deal with right now. And considering me, taking a leave from my job. It proves that I cannot take it lightly, that I have to solve it as soon as possible. You know?

I don’t want to hurt you or anything… I just can’t bear at the thought of…

Don’t worry about me too much alright? I’m doing well inside here? There isn’t much to say… I believe we’ve discussed everything there is. It’s quite troublesome now to think about new things… Well, I guess I should tell you that I really miss those two hooligans. Maybe we should hang out with them! Whenever you’re free. I know I am.

Now, you take care of yourself. Reply to me anytime you want!
Good day.

Sincerely, Hyemi”

Satisfied with the letter she wrote, even with the noticeable cross-out. Maybe she left it there as a hint, for him to have the idea, or just to plainly play with this writer. She neatly folds the paper and slip it through the envelope.
She opens the door, to find an empty hall way, and makes her way to the door opposite to hers. Hesitating a bit before slipping it through for no apparent reason, moments later and she slipped it. She smiles to herself before turning on back, and inside her own flat. Sitting back again in the window pane, she finds a familiar silhouette making his way across the road, cool as always. Lying back again on her bed… cuddling the scarf he lent here, slowly closing her eyes, she sleeps.

 

A tall silhouette of a guy putting on a coat, notices an envelope being slid down his door.
As he gets closer to the envelope that just fell to the ground, a smile forms in his face. He heard a faint sound of a door closing, and his smile got bigger.

Picking up the envelope, he strides his way to the bedroom.
Curtains drawn, only a ray of sunlight illuminating the room, papers scattered on the working table.
He cracks a window open, the winter breeze entering freely.
Opening the envelope, he notices the familiar patterns of the frilly colored paper, this time it’s green.

He smiled at the thought of the only neatly put papers on his drawer, colors aligned by the colors’ hue.
He reads the letter carefully, his smile fades away, and replaced by a look of concern as he navigates through the letter. Giving a deep sigh, he reads the signature aloud.

“Sincerely, Hyemi…”

“Oh, Hyemi…”

And with that he puts away the green frilly paper to the drawer where he kept the other frilly papers. Then to the kitchen he went to make himself a cup of coffee, sipping from it time to time, he thinks of the letter, and what he should write back.

Quickly finishing his cup of coffee, he grabs a pen and a paper.
Thinking of a good way on how to reply, without sounding too clingy, but enough to let her know he’s worried…

He folds the paper neatly and put it in an envelope.
He laid it down the kitchen table, and makes his way to the bathroom to fix himself.
It was early noon when he got out and dressed himself.
Grabbing the envelope, he looked for his scarf.
Closing the window, he realized it wasn’t there. He then heads out and delivers the letter.

 

The sun is up high when I woke up. It was my birthday… Feeling the warm sun on my face, I wiped my eyes and the tiny traces of sweat on my forehead. I gaze down on the long warm scarf in my hand. Still on my back, I hugged it closer and sniffed its scent, his smell… along with the traces of cigarette… I coughed.
I coughed and coughed a little too hard.
I didn’t dare to even look at my hand, stained with the metallic taste in my mouth. I ran to the sink and spat it out.
Panic came running into me, I opened the faucet and let the water run. I washed my face and decided it was time for my meds. After doing so, I gulp down a second glass of water.
 

I sit on my bed, hugging my knees. Thinking about whether I should go to the doctor and report to her whatever is happening. Afraid, I didn’t and just sat there. My stomach rumbles through my empty quiet room, I the music player on my laptop, and walked to the kitchen to make myself something worthy to eat. I notice my phone blinking, taking a break from cooking, I picked it up. There’s a text message…

“Elf”

It reads…

“Hey! Good morning~! Enough sleeping with the stars, it’s almost noon time. Wake up and eat!

P.S. I replied.”

I was confused, since Chanyeol never send texts, only in cases of emergencies. I smiled, taking it as an accidental present perhaps. I come back to my cooking.
Setting the table, I first make a short trip to my front door, and see’s an envelope lying down in front of it. I picked it up and went back to eat.
Finishing my meal, I opened the letter…

“Dear Hyemi,

I see, so you’re not completely comfortable with me, or perhaps not trust me enough. No, no. I’m kidding. Of course it’s alright if you don’t tell me everything. It’s clearly depends on you if you would tell me or not. Don’t think about me, think about you. And from what I read, it seems pretty serious. You, taking a break from the no.1 source of your income, is a very serious point. Are you stressed or anything? You know, you can tell me anything, if you need help or anything. I’m just here, sitting right next door. And so are Kyungsoo and Baekhyun!

We can meet up with them next week, and then we’d have fun like good old buddies. Okay?
Don’t think too much about things, it’ll pass! Just take a rest for now. I can get you groceries, just say the word, okay?
Hehe, I’m fine by the way. You know me, the smoke is not doing anything bad to me… It’s not killing me yet.

You have a good day too, okay? Eat on time so you won’t get fatigued so much and rest! Don’t be like me, it’s not good.
 

P.S. If the thought eats you up, or if you can’t handle that problem anymore… Remember, I’m just sitting here.

Sincerely, Chanyeol”

Upon finishing the letter, I smiled and thought…

“He must be worried… That’s nice. Happy birthday, to me.”

 

The days passed and a week is about to come, I still haven’t gone out of my flat, living with the food I still have left in the fridge, I don’t eat too much because I don’t get hungry much and I don’t need the energy, I thought to myself.

I’ll be meeting up with the three tomorrow, as Chanyeol said in his letter. I wonder what we’re going to do; just the thought of it excites me.

About the blood accident that morning, it didn’t occur once again after that. I also researched about that incident, and I almost checked all the symptoms list… but like Dr. Choi insists… it is just mere symptoms. I need to go under some kind of procedure called biopsy.

I need to get back to work and save up money for this procedure. Surely it’ll cost me a fortune… I want to do it now… so I won’t end up in the final stages and not get a fighting chance… I don’t want to go yet.