"Damn it...Why did I have to go and fall in love with that idiot? And why does he have to hate me..." Jongup thought as he tried to sleep at night. He felt so guilty and so horrible for falling in love with Himchan. He felt guilty for being gay. He thought that the public would hate him and that he was a total faliure as an idol. All these thoughts ran through his head, almost as if they were poison, killing him. The depression had gotten worse recently, especially since Himchan had told Jongup about a girl he loved. Himchan confided in Jongup for everything, making Jongup feel like Himchan loved him. 

"I guess I was wrong...No one loves me anymore. Why should I still be alive? I deserve pain." Jongup slowly got up and went to the kitchen. He found a knife with a thin sharp blade thinking this would be perfect to slowly slice his skin with. He went into the bathroom and locked the door. He leaned over the sink and made the first shallow cut. The burning and the pain felt so good that he couldn't help doing more. He made each cut a little bit deeper than the last and watched as the blood drained down the sink. Once he felt satisfied for the night he cleaned up the sink and wiped the tears away from his eyes. He was actually smiling now. He bandaged his arm and went back to sleep as if nothing bad had ever happened in his life. The next day no one from BAP had gotten a schedule so they all wanted to do something together. Yongguk, Daehyun, Jun Hong, and Youngjae suggested that they spend the day going out and shopping. Himchan said that he'd rather stay home but Jongup didn't want to do either now that he found out that Himchan would be with him. He was lost in his thoughts.

"Jongup...Moon Jongup...are you still there?" Jun Hong asked him.

"Yeah yeah sorry...a bit tired. What was the question?"

"More than a little." Daehyun laughed.

"I asked if you wanted to stay at home with me or go shopping with them." Himchan said. 

"I...actually made my own plans so I don't think I can do either. I'm sorry." Jongup said.

"Jongup, please do one or the other just for a little while, then you can go where ever the hell you please." Youngguk said.

"I'll stay at home then." Jongup said immediately regretting his answer. 

"Okay then I guess we'll leave." Daehyun said and they left the apartment. Now it was just Jongup standing awkwardly while Himchan was sitting flipping through channels on the TV. He seemed so distracted that Jongup decided to sneak away to his bedroom. Of course though, that didn't work.

"Hey where are you going? You aren't planning on leaving me alone are you?" 

"Oh, I was just going to my room for a bit because I have some stuff I want to finish."

"Then do it later!!! I want to talk to you more about that girl. Her name is Choi Li-Na and she's so pretty Jongup!! She's a new trainee and she..." Himchan's words faded in Jongup's mind as he began to lose focus and all he wanted to do was cut again. He didn't realize he was staring off into space until Himchan actually stopped talking and put his hand on Jongup's forehead checking if he was sick. Jongup quickly slapped Himchan's hands away. 

"Sorry, I'm just so tired that it's hard to focus. Now tell me more about this Choi Li-Na."

"Okay...so as I was saying, and you cannot tell anyone this, I'm biual and I'm in love with another guy too. But the problem is I think he's straight so I don't know what to do anymore." 

Jongup's breath hitched in his throat when he heard the word "biual" come out of Himchan's mouth. 

"Um...Who is the guy?" Jongup asked cautiously. 

"Promise you won't tell anyone or hate me if I tell you?"

"Of course Himchan! Who do you think I am?"

"It's...uhhh..." Then Himchan muttered something that Jongup couldn't hear.

"Who?" Jongup asked smiling kindly, although it was fake.

"Jun...Hong."

"Oh." was all Jongup could manage to get out. He felt sick all of a sudden. He just wanted to go and cut and die and never come back again. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. How could the person he was in love with...hate him so much. 

"Jongup...are you okay?" Himchan said putting his head down in shame.

"Yeah I'm fi-"

"WHAT ARE THOSE BANDAGES ON YOUR ARM?!" Himchan cut him off.

"Nothing...I just got hurt a little bit and...yeah."

"Really?! For a minor injury you need bandages wrapping your left forearm up?"

"Well it was a cut. Something fell and it bled. Nothing to worry about." Jongup said pulling his arm away.

"If you say so..." Himchan said skeptically. "Now...about Jun Hong." The speech lasted for another hour before he let Jongup go. It wasn't like he minded sitting and talking to Himchan alone, it was just that he didn't want to listen about how much Himchan loved Jun Hong and Choi Li-na. His love was onesided and he didn't want to accept that. When he left to his bedroom, he went to cut again. He longed to feel the cold metal against his skin and the burn of his skin slowly ripping. He had become addicted.