Chapter Nineteen: Knowing Us

Days have already withered into weeks and so have Jinri and Taehyung’s relationship into almost nothing. The usual up-all-night conversations with each other turned into a seemingly rushed small talk. The usual weekly dates or once in every two weeks became a simple date in the middle of the month. The times when they were together seemed so long – like they’re already sick of each other’s company. Or perhaps, it was just Taehyung feeling that way.

The nights without Jinri seem so empty nowadays, and these nights with such emptiness filling Taehyung in began when he suddenly felt so tired of everything. He still liked Jinri though, he still loved seeing her smile, he still loved the sound of her giddy laughter, he still loved the scent her hair wears, but now that he thinks about it, it felt like a forced admiration.

Now, he lies on his bed, still wearing his school uniform and not planning to change until Saturday comes. His phone, silent and drained, was thrown at the corner of his desk, beside his ped bag with papers and folders flying out of it. He looks up to the digital clock on the table beside his bed to find out that it’s almost 3 already. And at the same time, he hears the revving of Junmyeon’s car.

Taehyung wonders what could have brought Junmyeon in this street when Junmyeon’s house was two miles away. Maybe he’s just passing by, Taehyung thinks. So he tries his best to ignore it, afraid of whatever twist reality might bring. And boy, how wrong Taehyung was. He hears the vehicle’s engine stop making noise in front of Taehyung’s house. Next, he hears the door swing open and slammed afterwards. Taehyung immediately pulls himself up and peek out of his window, to check if his instincts are right.

“Thanks, Junmyeon,” Mi Ja smiles, holding a fat paper bag between her arms and chest. Taehyung’s eyes widen at the sight of Mi Ja standing there, not wearing house clothes but casual ones. They went out, and they came home this late?

“My pleasure,” Junmyeon stands beside the door where Mi Ja came out from. He leans on the roof of the car and gives Mi Ja a genuine smile. Taehyung’s eyebrows furrow at the atmosphere between them at the moment. What is happening, really?

Junmyeon continues saying something to her, but it seems more of a whisper – as if Junmyeon is aware that someone is listening to them right now. Taehyung bites his lower lip and pulls his curtain together harshly. He slams his body on the bed and returns to his normal self – or at least, the different kind of normal Taehyung now.

“You’re so ed up, Taehyung,” Taehyung groans, realizing how wrong and irrational he’s being right now. He stares into the ceiling and suddenly, a wave of memories crashes into his mind, returning him back into the moments he can never forget.

The first memory that infiltrates his mind is when Taehyung went to Mi Ja’s house early morning, wanting her to help him prep up for his first date with Jinri. He was so happy then, repeatedly narrating the story of how he met Jinri and how they clicked it off. He kept going on and on about Jinri, about her course and about her family and how prestigious her family was. Taehyung has already lost count of the number of times he talked about how thankful he was that he wasn’t a snob in school, because if he was, then Jinri’s little brother, Taehyung’s classmate, wouldn’t have introduced him to her.

How hurt must have Mi Ja been.

He then remembers the time when Taehyung’s dad came home and invited Junmyeon and Mi Ja for dinner. Now, Taehyung already knows why Junmyeon was eyeing Mi Ja back then. And he now knows how naïve he must have looked like in front of Junmyeon and Mi Ja as he had asked Mi Ja in front of his whole family about who she likes.

“I wonder about Mi Ja, though. I mean, she’s never had a boyfriend before. Nor did I ever hear about her dating anybody.”

There was silence.

“It’s because I haven’t gotten over my first love. And I don’t think I have time for love at the moment.”

And Taehyung remembers how his father joked about Mi Ja actually liking Taehyung. Mi Ja didn’t talk back then, and so didn’t Junmyeon. Taehyung can’t, either. Nobody talked until his father slowly asked Mi Ja if he was mistaken.

Taehyung’s heart tightens as he remembers how Junmyeon defended her, “You’re wrong. Mi Ja is a thousand years too early for love. She doesn’t even have a plump bust yet.”

Taehyung chuckles at the memory, but then he remembers how Mi Ja must have seen Junmyeon as hero back then.

Oh, how painful must it have been for Mi Ja.

The memories that passed by not only hurt Mi Ja in the past but somehow, hurts Taehyung as he recalls and realizes the truth in every lie back then. The next thing he remembers is when he forgot Mi Ja’s birthday, and even unknowingly raised her hopes up for something she could easily mistake as a surprise for her when in reality, it was just a date for Jinri – to ask her to be his girlfriend. Swollen eyes, reddened nose and devastated look greeted Taehyung back the next day as he had greeted Mi Ja a belated happy birthday.

He reminisces the time when they snuck out of the beach to have a late birthday gift for Mi Ja. It was awkward but it made Taehyung realize something – how important Mi Ja really was to him. He remembers the time when Junmyeon set them up in the Ferris wheel. It must have hurt him pretty badly to see the girl he’s been endlessly loving for years be in the same carriage with the guy she liked.

Taehyung gulps – probably due to the thought of Mi Ja in love with him since then still not sinking in.

Then, he remembers about the game of strings back then at the Palace of Mischances. Taehyung, just like any other boy, was enthusiastic about pulling the string he got. He found the whole thing amusing, and deep inside him, he felt as if the person who held the other end of the string he had will be somebody he would have to… He didn’t understand anything really, but he just felt like there could have been something more. But the only thing that greeted him was the sight of the end of string, without any owner. Upset but still hoping that the owner of the other side can read it, he left a message as he got tired of waiting.

Maybe next time?

Taehyung falls asleep, with beads of tears hanging at the edges of his eyelashes.

Just like any other teenager whose graduation is just around the corner, Taehyung and Mi Ja dreaded Monday mornings – especially because the weekend felt so short and so empty.

Taehyung wakes up a bit later than usual, and the fact that his mother has been yelling at him consistently that he’s going to end up late while announcing the time doesn’t seem to fume up his enthusiasm to go to school. Just like any other day in his life these previous days, the foreshadowing of today doesn’t seem like it’s worth looking forward to. It doesn’t seem right at all.

He lets out a mammoth yawn as he slips into his school shoes. After contemplating about the homework and his future for a brief second while sitting on the two-stepped chair in front their doorstep, he grabs up his bag and hangs it around his shoulders. He sighs and walks out of their yard, swinging the gate but still jumping over it. His eyes watch his own feet on the ground, walking, and once he looks up, he wish he hadn’t.

Standing in front of their own house, a bit surprised herself, and awkwardly trying to smile but ends up failed miserably. She’s there. Mi Ja is. Taehyung tries reciprocating Mi Ja’s smile, although an unknown force on either of his lips is pulling them down. He bows his head shyly and doesn’t move an inch. He doesn’t understand why of the million possible actions he could do right now – probably escape, run away, or maybe run towards her and act normally – he chose not to move a muscle. He stands there, dumbfounded and awestricken by the sight of the person he rarely sees now.

He was bereaved of Mi Ja’s presence. So ing much. And at that moment, he just wants to talk to her. Talk about how he misses her. Talk about life. Talk about food. Talk about his father’s latest mail to him. Talk about anything. But he chooses the worst way out of the situation.

Taehyung lets her walk away. And Mi Ja could have stayed. She could have held another staring contest with him and make him realize the things she’s been dying to say. I love you. But if that doesn’t work out, then don’t force yourself to make it work. We can act like my feelings don’t exist, really, because to be honest, to be perfectly, completely and truly honest? I don’t care anymore. I need you. I need you beside me, Taehyung. You’re my friend,