Jing spoke hesitantly, her voice barely more than a whisper, "I read your letter."

Diana waited, not sure if this required her to respond. After a short silence, Jing continued.

"For a week I tried to write something coherent. It all just came out wrong. I thought maybe if I tried in person it might be easier."

"But it isn't," Diana noticed.

"No..." Jing drifted off. Looking at her ex tugged her in all sorts of directions, so she kept her eyes on the rug instead. Her eyes teared. She was about to lie again.

"Diana, I..."

She couldn't lie anymore. This was so unfair to Diana! She shook her head and her outgrown bangs fell across her eyes. She left them there because she thought it gave her one more layer with which to hide her eyes.

"I'm...sorry!" she verbalized. "I'm SO sorry - I don't know what else to say!"

Diana looked sad but remained silent.

Jing finally made eye contact with her, "I never wanted to hurt you," she offered.

"Did you think it wouldn't hurt?" Diana retorted.

Jing shook her head.

"I have a question," Diana asked, "If you didn't love me, why are you always teary-eyed when we meet?"

With that, a tear finally escaped onto Jing's cheek, "I'm selfish. I did this for my own needs. If you only knew..." she trailed off.

Diana moved closer to her on the couch, until their thighs made contact, side by side.

"So tell me," Diana was way more gentle than Jing had anticipated.

"I just can't!" Jing choked on her tears, "I wish I could."

Diana brushed the untamed wisps of hair from her ex's eyes.

"Ah-Jing...look at me," Diana pleaded. The urgency in her voice made Jing look up.

"Actually at this point I don't even care about the "why". Look me in the eyes and tell me from your heart that you don't love me."

Jing stared, feeling unable to look away, all the while twitching to do exactly that.

"Tell me," Diana's voice was sorrowful and yet soothing. Jing used to be able to share anything with that comforting voice. Now she looked away. Diana brought her face closer so that Jing had no choice but to close her eyelids to avoid seeing her.

"Look at me. Please, Ah-Jing," Diana begged.

Jing pressed her eyes more tightly shut as her lip trembled.

Diana would have normally been yearning to place a healing kiss on that sad mouth. Now she realized it would be inappropriate. She rubbed Jing's arm to indicate she cared that she was suffering, without crossing too much of a "you're my ex" boundary. Jing allowed it.

"Please look at me?" Diana repeated her request. Jing slowly opened her eyes, which forced out another tear.

Diana couldn't control her hand - it seemed to act on its own as it rose to wipe the moistened cheek.

"Tell me. Jing, tell me you don't love me," Diana persisted.

Jing's tear-brimmed eyes looked directly into Diana's sad brown ones. Jing tried to speak but nothing would come out. They sat there in strained silence for the longest 60 seconds they'd probably both ever experienced.

Triumphantly, now Diana's eyes watered. Jing couldn't say it. Just to reassure herself, Diana prodded one last time,

"Ah-Jing...look me in the face and say it."

Slowly, Jing shut her eyes in defeat. She had to surrender to this. She was a terrible liar and Diana had known all this time that she'd been pretending she had no feelings for her.

Diana gently hovered her lips over Jing's.

Jing felt an electricity she thought she'd long forgotten. But now she remembered it well. Dammit, she smells so good. Tentatively, she brushed her upper lip against Diana's mouth. Feeling only a hint of resistance, Diana pressed harder into a full but tender kiss.

Jing gave in as tears streaked her face. Diana held her jaw with both hands, drawing her as close as she could without cutting off their breathing.

"Di-ana," Jing sobbed through the kisses.

"Shh-shh-shh," Diana didn't want to hear more words, she just wanted to remember what it was like kissing the girl that made her insides somersault. Gently, she leaned into Jing's shoulders, sending them both down against the couch's armrest.

There they lay, entwined in their embrace until Jing stopped crying. Soft, warm, affectionate kisses they'd both missed.

Jing wanted this so badly, but kept trying to make it stop. She couldn't love Diana. She'd never feel "normal" again if she took her back. Doubtful Diana would agree to join Jing in her closet, and doubtful Jing could continue absorbing the attention she got for being gay, whether positive or negative.

Impasse.

What to do?

For now, all she could think of was Diana's soft flesh against her's. As her ex's lips fluttered against her neck, all Jing wanted was to be a raging lesbo with this amazing girl.

A hand slid under her shirt. Diana's fingers caressing her stomach, then her ribcage, made her sigh. Hearing this, Diana looked into her eyes, seeking permission to go further. Jing was at a loss. She stared back, almost as if asking Diana to make the decision for her.

Diana whispered, "Your boyfriend?"

Jing nearly laughed, "As closeted as me!"

Diana was surprised, but mostly at Jing referring to herself as being in the closet.

"What?" she queried, "You - in the closet?"

Jing nodded, "I'm a self-hating homo. At least my "boyfriend" doesn't have internalized homophobia issues!"

Diana was baffled.

"But - when did this all happen? You've always been direct about your gayness, at least since I've known you--"

"Diana - make love to me," Jing interrupted.

"What?!"

"I want to remember what it's like to be that person."

"Ah-Jing, you ARE that person! You've written amazing songs about that person."

"Not any more," Jing looked at the ceiling.

Diana kissed her and mumbled between their breaths, "Remember...remember..."

Jing thought about her mom's disappointment if she were to discover Jing was still gay after all. She tried to push Diana away but it was far from a confident push.

"My boyfriend..." she attempted to explain Howie over her increased heartbeat.

"Yes, what about your boyfriend? I doubt he'd approve of...this," Diana placed a hand on Jing's chest. Through her binder, she could delineate what was what because Jing's was so erect there was no mistaking it through the constricting fabric.

"Ungh, you're killing me," Jing groaned.

Diana smiled for the first time since Jing's arrival. She kissed , feeling her racing pulse.

"Howie's gay," Jing said.

"Okay, I gathered. But then...?"

"Our parents fixed us up because we're both...losers," Jing snickered.

"Not sure about him, but you're no loser," Diana brushed back Jing's bangs.

"I totally am! Look at me! I had the most awesome girlfriend, an amazing career...Now? Media and fans are coming down hard on my change of musical direction. And i have a GAY BOYFRIEND!" Jing laughed at her own ridiculousness and tears returned to her eyes.

"Aww, sweetie...You can make any song sound good. Don't worry about your new CD," Diana cooed.

Jing suddenly felt the need to assure Diana that she and Howie were only fake girlfriend-boyfriend.

"We're totally platonic. And actually he's pretty cool for a loser. He's the one that encouraged me to come see you."

"Thank him for me," Diana lifted Jing's shirt to place a kiss on her stomach. Jing shivered when Diana's breath hit the damp spot her lips had left behind. She grabbed the back of Diana's head while she kissed her way up to the hard s willing themselves through their textile restraints.

Jing was a puddle under Diana. The dam of resistance she'd kept intact for months was now caving in on itself, leaving the floodgates open. She was too weak to stop this now.

She was dripping for Diana. She wanted her so much. Oddly, perhaps because her mind was on her nether regions, she remembered something in her jeans pocket. She shimmied to slide a hand into her pocket under Diana. She pulled out a neatly-folded (now slightly crumpled) piece of paper and gave it to Diana.

"I DID finally finish my response to your letter by the way," she said.

"Oh," Diana took the folded paper, but Jing stopped her from opening it.

"Later. I just didn't want to forget to give it to you."

Diana bent to put it on the floor next to the couch. A bit light-heartedly, she said,

"So...what was that you asked me for just before?"

"Oh..." Jing's face flushed somewhat. Diana smiled, waiting for her reply. Jing searched for her words.

"Um...would you make love to me?" her blush deepened considerably.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? No offense but, you seem a tad conflicted. Are you sure it won't make things worse?" Diana was visibly concerned.

"No, I'm not sure. But if anything, I hope it would make me realize how much I don't want to be hetero!" Jing smiled - like Diana had - for the first time that night, and maybe for the first time in months.

~~~~~~~~

Before reading the next chapter, some of you MAY like to read the that ensued between this chap and the next. If that's the case, please see my RATED 'lost chapters'. If you don't like , go ahead and continue on to chap 11. The story continues as is.