February 27th 2015

Fear was an interesting thing. It could be triggered by so many different things. A bump in the night could induce fear, or the fact you were home alone could too. Maybe the darkness scared you, or wide open spaces… fear was subjective, anything could trigger it, and what triggered it for one person might not trigger it for someone else.

For example, the scariest portion of Hanni’s life, the portion that had caused him the most fear throughout growing up, was every single time a bruise appeared on his skin.

For some people, that might be a silly thing to get scared over, a few broken blood vessels under the skin… but for Hanni, he was always terrified they were a warning. A warning that he was going back to the dark place where most his childhood had spent, the fear that the bruise was caused by more than just a bump always at the edge of his mind, watching him and taunting him.

Some would call him paranoid, or a hypochondriac for feeling such a way.

But every time Hanni saw a bruise marring his body, he couldn’t help but fear that it was back. The cancer than had almost cost him his life had made a return and was about to take over his life again.

Which is why Hanni was currently lying in his bedroom, almost all of the lights apart from his bedside lamp switched off, the faint, dull light from the lamp didn’t do much to illuminate the space around him, but it was bright enough to help him see the patches of darkened flesh on his arm without disturbing his room mates who still slept soundly in the beds beside him.

It was 3am, the boys had to get up in less than 4 hours to prepare for schedule… but Hanni was struggling to fall into the blissful darkness that was sleep, struggling to relax enough to finally drop off into the world of sleep. He had been preparing to go to sleep, exhausted after the training they had that day and feeling slightly nauseous after the take out food they had eaten, after all, Hanni much preferred a home cooked meal, when he’d noticed the discoloured flesh on his arm.

His heart had almost stopped in his chest, pounding wildly in the next second. He’d gently poked the flesh, flinching slightly as the pain hit him. Telling himself to calm, Hanni had closed his eyes and had tried to focus, tried to remember when he’d bumped into something or been hit hard enough to cause such a dark, deep bruise.

But he came up with a blank.

He’d said nothing to Sherlock who had lain in the closest bed to him, slightly thankful that he slept next to the blind member so he wouldn’t have to explain the darkened flesh, so he wouldn’t have to explain how exactly it had happened.

After all, he himself didn’t know how it had happened, all he knew was that it terrified him to the core.

So he’d gotten into bed, holding his bruised arm up at eye level and trying to think back on the last few days.

He’d noticed he’d been more tired recently and lost a little bit of weight, but he’d automatically assumed it was from their training schedule since their comebacks for the sub units were coming up soon.

But now he wasn’t so sure. He used to be so vigilant in watching for the signs, especially for the first few years after being discharged and told he was in remission… how could he have not picked up on it?

Hanni’s heart began to beat quicker, anxiety filling him up as his hands began to shake. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair at all. Hanni had worked so hard to look after s, to try and make sure they were all healthy and well fed… how had he deserved to get such a terrible monster back into his life?

The rational side of Hanni’s mind told him to calm down, that he was over reacting to something that was most likely nothing. But the rest of his body would not take that explaination, his hands continued to shake madly, his eyes filling with tears as he panicked.

Slowly feeling for his phone, Hanni regretted that he was bordering a panic attack so late - or was it early? - but he didn’t know what else to do. Holding down the number 2 button on his phone, Hanni watched as it speed dialled his most called number.

‘….hmm?’ A tired voice replied with a yawn. ‘whos’it?’

“Jimin-ah,” Hanni hiccupped, struggling to keep his voice in check. He hated always calling Jimin in tears, for always being the weak one in the relationship… it’s all he felt like he did, calling her crying and seeking comfort.

The anxious, panicky part of his brain told him that she was sick of him for it, yet another reason why she should leave the rapper.

‘Hanni?’ The girl’s voice was suddenly alert, but hushed so as not to wake her roommates. ‘What’s wrong? What’s happened? Oh god, none of your other group mates are gone are they? You guys just can’t catch a break recently!’

“No… no, nothing like that,” He assured with a shaky breath. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you… I’m scared.”

‘Scared?’ She asked, obviously confused. ‘Why are you scared? Hanni, its 3am, you should be asleep, not scare-”

He cut her off with a quick, rushed response. “I think my cancer is back.”

Jimin didn’t reply for several long seconds, although he could hear her breathing hitch on the other end of the phone. Finally, she gave a small, quiet reply. ‘What?’

He hiccupped slightly, rubbing at his eyes. “I’ve lost some weight recently, not too much, but enough… I’m so exhausted all of the time too, I thought it was just because of everything happening with Hyo and Myung, and the Ace Dynasty tribute we did… preperations for that, and preperations for the Antidote Teochii debut MV, I thought it was just because of that…”

‘It most likely is, Hanni-ah, don’t jump to conclusions to scare yourself…’

“It hadn’t even crossed my mind that it could be back, really it hadn’t, but I was getting ready for bed a few hours ago when I saw it..”

‘Saw what..?’ She questioned, and Hanni could tell she was exhausted but wanted to be there for him. Hanni felt honoured at the small, supportive gesture.

“A huge bruise on my arm, it’s dark, and it’s deep, and I don’t know how I got it.” Hanni’s voice had begun to rise again, spiralling out of control as his anxiety took over.

‘Hanni? Hanyeul calm down, okay? It’ll be okay. Do you have your doctor’s number still?’

Hanni nodded a little before realising she couldn’t physically see him. “Yeah, I still have Doctor Yang’s number, he was my cancer doctor…”

‘Is there any way you can get an emergency appointment with him?’

“M-maybe,” He stuttered out, wiping at his eyes and trying to settle his nerves. “I could call him in the morning, I doubt he’d be awake right now…”

‘Call him in the morning, Hanni, get an emergency appointment and get him to check you over, alright? Do you want me to come with you?’

“N-no, it’s okay,” He sighed, “You’re busy right now with schedule, I don’t want you taking time out of it to come with me to a silly appointment, I might just be over reacting anyway…”

‘Seriously, Hanni, I don’t want you to go alone.’

“Vann-hyung or Myung-ah will most likely come with me if I ask… maybe Myung since he isn’t getting ready for any comeback’s right now, he has the time…”

‘Okay, last chance to ask me to go with you?’

Hanni couldn’t help but laugh a little, rubbing at his face. “No, Jimin-ah, it’s fine. But thank you anyway, I’m sorry for waking you…”

‘It’s fine, sweetie,’ She soothed. ‘You know you can always call if you need to just…just try to freak out at a more human time of day next time?’

He laughed again, happy that Jimin was still joking with him. The jokes helped him calm down from his anxious state. He had to hand it to his girlfriend, she knew how to calm him down.

“Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. You go back to sleep, okay? I’ll text you tomorrow and let you know what’s going on…”

‘You better do or I’ll kill you. Night night!’

“Night, Jimin. I love you.”

His statement was met with a few moments of silence as she processed what he said. ‘I love you too, goodnight, Hanni’

Hanni hung up the call, before curling into a ball and trying to fall asleep.

Holy hell, he’d just told his girlfriend he loved her for the first time.

-------

The next morning, Hanni was on his way to the terrible place he’d spent most of his childhood, Myung practically clinging to his side.

“You know, Myung-ah, it’s probably nothing.” Hanni tried to convince as Myung glared at every single person they passed.

“Not the point! You had a panic attack last night and didn’t bother to come and wake anyone up!”

Hanni sighed, slightly irritated with the fact their leader, who had pretty much broken down recently and still wasn’t back to himself, was annoyed at him for not waking him over trivial matters. “I didn’t need to wake anyone, I was fine. It wasn’t a panic attack either, I just got a little anxious.”

Myung huffed, clinging closer to his side although he was being gentle with Hanni’s bruised arm. It was rare to see their leader like this, and Hanni didn’t quite know if he liked it. On one hand, he loved the fact that he was being so protective of Hanni, it made him feel warm and fuzzy inside… but on the other hand, it just made it worse if they got the worst possible outcome from their trip to the hospital.

They were travelling down there in disguises as per usual. Since Hyo’s death, they’d almost become more popular, more recognisable, and whenever someone did, it was always to ask them about Hyo, or in Hanni’s case, ask about Hyo and his relationship with Jimin.

Although Myung’s acidic blue hair was still quite hard to hide, even below a hat.

Once the hospital was in view, the place where Hanni had spent so much of his childhood, he felt his heart begin to race again. He was right on time for his appointment, and Doctor Yang would probably see to him instantly to get him checked out, but it didn’t change the fact that Hanni was terrified about going in there.

The thought of lying on a hospital bed, useless and drugged up while his colleagues had to perform without him, while they had to deal with the fact he had cancer again so soon after they’d lost Hyo… the thought of slowly dying from both the cancer eating him up inside and the poison rushing through his veins from the chemotherapy… it was enough to almost send Hanni running back to the dorm to hide in his room until the bruises faded and his energy returned.

Walking into the waiting room, Myung went to go and book the boy in before sitting down beside him with a reassuring smile. “The receptionist said that he’d be right with you and to not worry. They’d probably not do anything major, so you don’t have to worry too much.”

“Myung-ah,” Hanni started, focusing on the falsely bright pictures painted onto the wall to try and cheer up the sick children that so often waited in that room. “I spent most of my childhood in this place, getting poked and prodded daily to check my blood, I’m sure I can handle the little checkup that Doctor Yang will give me.”

As if by magic, Hanni was called through. “Hwang Hanyeul?” A familiar voice called, Hanni looking up to see his old doctor smiling at him. Hanni slowly stood.

“Do you want me to come?” Myung asked. Hanni could only nod mutely, unwilling to go into the checkup alone.

-------

“See? I told you there was nothing to worry about.” Myung grinned as the two walked out of the hospital, Hanni clutching a piece of paper to his chest like it was a lifeline.

“Shut up, Myung.” Hanni shot back, before looking down at the piece of paper that Doctor Yang had given him, proving that he was still cancer free.

He had never felt so relieved that he was just suffering from exhaustion in his life.