THE BIG DAY (Part 4): The Game Is About To Get Heated. (Edited Ver.)

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"What's going on?!" Taeyeon and Yuri were pulled by their wrists and legs as they screamed out aloud. The others were pinned on the wall by time-locked spell walls that took the form of the moss from the cove. "Chill girl. I mean, since you are allies of our enemies, then that makes you guys OUR ENEMIES too, right?" Hara walked out of the dark shadows from one of the corners in the cove.

"YOU!" Jiyeon hissed while trying to free herself. "Yes, it IS me - Goo Hara. Wae? Got a problem with that? HUH, PARK JIYEON?!" She shot back, looking all smug and bossy. "Did your plan turn out well, or DID IT?" Jessica came out next while walking with a smirking Seira. "HEY GIRL, long time no see." Joon greeted rather calmly, as if he was not trapped by a spell at all. "How can you just stay calm?!" Hongki butted in, pulling his wrists as hard as he can to break the ties. "Look here," Hara beamed, "No matter how hard you try, the spells just get worse by the moment. Pull it harder and POOF! Off you go!" She joked while letting out her squeaky giggle. Seira, who recognized the Lee brothers, then started to talk, "So here we have, 4 Lees, 1 Park, 1 Full-blooded Jung, 1 Half-blooded Jung and the police people of MIRAI's 7th Area. THIS LOOKS LIKE FUN!" She beamed while casting a little vortex portal, wherein she took her katanas. Since she had four, she use dthe longest one and placed the other 3 back in the vortex. "How did you all manage to-

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Vampirexy192 #1 Dec 9, 2015 06:44:47

Chapter 11: Oh yeah, I know I comment too much on this but I just wanna add, no need to emphasize too much on every word that seems unnecessary like you give in a bold font or capital letter and reduce the 3 period symbol. It just dragging your sentence. Probably it was a habit to put three dots at the end of sentence. xD Maybe, I assumed. It's okay, everyone make a mistake that they unconsciously did. Even me, myself ^_^ But if you still keep it, it's fine. Everyone has their own styles to write. :D

Vampirexy192 #2 Dec 9, 2015 06:39:34

Chapter 11: First of all, I want to say that the colors actually distract me. I don't mind, it was colorful indeed but I would suggest you do not use yellow color because I couldn't see the word clearly. >.> And I preferred if you name the female main character so you wouldn't have to keep it blank in all you story. Also, the thoughts of a person and the person conversation should be distinguished. Like we can tell that it was her thoughts or she was talking. People's point of view is already considered as expressing their inner minds or thoughts. Unless that person voiced out her opinion in her head loudly as if she was talking to herself. That is different. Like you use this for the "conversation" and thoughts, you can use 'this' or in italic words. Oh! Btw in Chapter 11, the protagonist brother had changed from Baro to Jinyoung? o.o What just happened? That actually confused me, I don't know if you had mistakenly written that. Moreover, it was difficult to you know telling their perspectives especially the Lee's brothers. I was rather puzzled because it seems jumbled up to me. Therefore, the flow of the story is a bit disrupted. I'm just giving my comment not because of I hate it, I just want to point out the mistakes so you can improve and become better. :D I hope you don't take any offence from this. However, the plot story was interesting like I can feel European or Victorian kind of style. Classic and vintage. Hahaha. As well as the mystery behind her amnesia and the history of their descendants. :)