The Meet-Up & The Plan That Is Getting Brewed Up. (Edited Ver.)

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~In Area 9~ "Hey hyungs, it's kinda getting dark." Jinyoung commented as he stared at the sun, that's about to hide behind the horizon. "So you're sayingthat we should leave?" Hongki asked, Jinyoung scoffed confidently and restated, "What I was supposed to mean with that was for us to contact them or something. At least we can start sharing all the gathered data." The dongsaeng sighed. "Got your good point there Jin. So no one's volunteering for the spell?" Gikwang eyed the two, seeing that no one wants to volunteer, he stood up and casted a spell. "Quod nos obligamus strings invisibilis fiat ad distantiam quamvis procul hinc, mitte nos nuntium tibi fatalis. (The invisible strings that bind us together no matter how far the distance may be, send our fateful message by thee.)" As Gikwang finished, a spell wall appeared and showed them the vision of the others who were on their way to Area 9, MIRAI. "Good, just in time." Hongki cheered as he saw that the others were on their way via spell wall. Jinyoung just smiled at his dorky hyungs. *POOF!* A spell wall appeared in front of them, revealing and Donghae, who just came from the Traders' Fair. SPELL WALL: "Any news hyung?" Gikwang asked his hyung, eyes full of curiosity. Donghae nodded coolly, a smile appearing on Gikwang's expectant face appeared as he stared at . "So how have you been, Princess? You seem awfully quiet." He asked, but to his dismay, was at a daze so she didn't get to hear what he said. "Uh..oh, what?" She quickly asked, noticing that she must have missed something. "Are you sure you're okay ?" Gikwang asked, placing his palm on her forehead, checking her temperature 'But she seems fine?' Gikwang thought, 'Aish, something awkward must've happened again.' He sighed aloud, causing to giggle. "Waeyo?" Gikwang asked, flustered at why she was laughing at him. "Nah, your expression seemed priceless while sighing oppa!" beamed. The five of them waited for the last two - THE DUO. Just when the 5 of them thought that the two - Jiyeon and Joon - have ditched them, a spell wall appeared out of nowhere, revealing a tired Jiyeon and a panting Joon. "Woah! Unnie! Where have you and Joon-oppa been? We thought YOU GUYS ditched us already!" The sleepy suddenly shot up as soon as she saw her unnie and oppa. "Ahhh....The ugly guards...The have metal...All...Body...Metal." Jiyeon muttered while catching her breath. "Whoa there Yeonnie!" Hongki commented, while seeing how exhausted the two were. "Why don't we all sober up first before we share in all the data gained?" Jinyoung suddenly suggested out of the blue, gaining nods of agreement from everyone. "So who'll cast the spell?" Hongki popped the question and before everyone could groan, Donghae casted the spell by a snap. "Whoa~ Cool!" Hongki remarked as the spell wall appeared around the 7 of them like lighting, it appeared out of nowhere, and then all of them into a portal vortex - taking them to the Police Station in Area 7. *POOF!* "Ohh! Junhyung-oppa! Taeyeonnie-unnie! They're back!" Yuri called the rest of her companions-slash-new family members as she saw the spell wall that revealed the 7 back. "Aigooo! You should set it properly next

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Vampirexy192 #1 Dec 9, 2015 06:44:47

Chapter 11: Oh yeah, I know I comment too much on this but I just wanna add, no need to emphasize too much on every word that seems unnecessary like you give in a bold font or capital letter and reduce the 3 period symbol. It just dragging your sentence. Probably it was a habit to put three dots at the end of sentence. xD Maybe, I assumed. It's okay, everyone make a mistake that they unconsciously did. Even me, myself ^_^ But if you still keep it, it's fine. Everyone has their own styles to write. :D

Vampirexy192 #2 Dec 9, 2015 06:39:34

Chapter 11: First of all, I want to say that the colors actually distract me. I don't mind, it was colorful indeed but I would suggest you do not use yellow color because I couldn't see the word clearly. >.> And I preferred if you name the female main character so you wouldn't have to keep it blank in all you story. Also, the thoughts of a person and the person conversation should be distinguished. Like we can tell that it was her thoughts or she was talking. People's point of view is already considered as expressing their inner minds or thoughts. Unless that person voiced out her opinion in her head loudly as if she was talking to herself. That is different. Like you use this for the "conversation" and thoughts, you can use 'this' or in italic words. Oh! Btw in Chapter 11, the protagonist brother had changed from Baro to Jinyoung? o.o What just happened? That actually confused me, I don't know if you had mistakenly written that. Moreover, it was difficult to you know telling their perspectives especially the Lee's brothers. I was rather puzzled because it seems jumbled up to me. Therefore, the flow of the story is a bit disrupted. I'm just giving my comment not because of I hate it, I just want to point out the mistakes so you can improve and become better. :D I hope you don't take any offence from this. However, the plot story was interesting like I can feel European or Victorian kind of style. Classic and vintage. Hahaha. As well as the mystery behind her amnesia and the history of their descendants. :)