For littlejinki <33 When you’re tired and having a hard time
Please let me stay by your side
So I can give back to you the love I had only received
Before this life ends SHINee-Life I hold her hand whenever we're together. Just because I can't seem to let her go.
My eyes can't help but light up whenever I see her. She's the very reason why I still want to wake up in the mornings.
I hug her when I'm trying to get her attention. Or maybe because I just want to feel her in my arms...
I comfort her when she's sad, without her knowing that every bit of hurt she feels goes double for me.
I listen whenever she rants. I want to be her comfort zone, someone she can talk to about anything and everything. Just like the way she opened up my heart so easily.
I wait outside her house whenever I fetch her from school, even if it takes her some time.
It doesn't matter though, I've been waiting for her all my life.
I never get mad when she's late for our dates. How could I get mad at the most precious thing in the world to me? It's just not possible.
I don't flirt with other girls. When you've already got the best, are you still going to settle for second?
I give her flowers and chocolates on our special occassions and sometimes, when I just feel like it. If I could only give her the whole world, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I'm always the first one to say sorry whenever we fight even though sometimes it's not my fault. I would die if she's not by my side, if she's mad...I wouldn't be able to carry on.
I call her up just so I'll know if she got home okay. I'm always worried. Besides, her voice is my lullaby. I couldn't sleep without hearing it at least once.
I told her that next to my family, she's the most important thing. The most valuable, the most precious...how else am I going to express it?
I told her I'm willing to wait until we're married. I'm pretty sure she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
But despite of all these, she doesn't seem happy.
Why?
If only she knew...
If only I told her...
--
I remember noticing her on the first week of our classes.
She was a new student.
I was completely taken with her.
I was usually bubbly and cheerful, but with her...I can't seem to speak.
Her presence, it brings me so much happiness...and yet I hesitate.
How should I do this?
I remember asking my friends about her.
They were surprised.
It was the first time someone caught my attention.
I remember observing her, looking out for her whenever I'm with my friends.
Among everyone in the crowd, she always seems to stand out the most.
How is it that she captured me so easily without her doing anything?
I would always wait for her in the halls, clutching my books and wearing my glasses, careful to keep an eye out just so I won't miss her.
Whenever she would pass by though, I would always take two steps back, always hesitating, always being clumsy, the words I rehearsed in my head, they would always fly out of my mind.
Is she ever going to realize the effect she has on me?
At first, it was just about school and friends...
Now, it was just her.
I've never had a girlfriend.
I remember wanting her to notice me.
I remember wanting her to be intrigued.
But I was always lacking.
I was too quiet. Too boring.
I wasn't interesting enough.
Then one day, the seating arrangements were changed.
And as fate has it, we became seatmates.
"Hi." I almost stuttered and sat next to her.
She looked at me, and that was the first time I saw every beauty in the world through her eyes.
That made me smile.
--
I knew I really was nothing special.
But she was something for me already.
While walking home, I discovered something.
Something that could reveal everything I wanted to say.
Especially because I couldn't say the words in my heart whenever I see her, they kept on being pushed back inside me.
I needed to say it all.
Without her.
I smiled as I picked up the paper bag that would contain my very first message.
Because now, I found a way.
--
As her seatmate, I made it my responsibility to make sure she was okay.
That she was happy.
Most of the time, she would ask me if I understood Calculus or chemistry.
I would always joyfully explain them to her.
Even giving advanced lessons sometimes...just so I would have an excuse to talk to her.
I tried my best not to be too quiet.
To show her my interest.
Often, I wonder, have I even made a mark on her?
--
"H-Hello." I said quietly, then shook my head.
She isn't infront of me right now!
Nor is she even near me!
Why is it that I'm still nervous?
I tried again.
"Hello..!" I smiled. That's a little better.
"How are you today? I hope you're always happy and safe...Did you understand our chemistry lesson today about compounds? If not, I'll be happy to help you." I sighed. I'm really boring...but this is the only way I know to start our friendship.
"Uhm...I wrote you a song today. It was really quite difficult. I think I rewrote it three times. Anyway...I hope you'll give me a chance to sing it to you...this is my 20th message, so far." I cleared my throat and lowered my voice as I delivered my final message for that day.
"By the way, I hope we can be friends..."
--
Today will be the day.
Today, I will tell her what I feel.
At least, I have 20 ways to say it.
Okay, just one way, but make it 20 times.
I am so nervous! But I really, really want to tell her.
I don't think I can hold my feelings in any longer.
But how am I going to ask her out so that I could give her my 20 messages?
I thought long and hard...
Then, finally, the answer came to me.
I know! Tea!
Everyone likes tea.
--
She turned me down.
I sighed and looked at the twenty love messages on my bed, all of them seemed to carry my sadness.
It's not because she rejected me...
It's because I wasted another day of not being able to tell her what I feel.
I held the 21st messenger close to me and whispered my message.
"I'm sorry you didn't like tea...maybe you'll give me a chance next time, right? Either way, I'll wait. I'll wait for the day that you'll give me the privilege of enjoying a cup of tea with you...perhaps not even just as a friend." I smiled softly at the memory of her beautiful face and her mesmerizing eyes.
"Perhaps maybe even more than that.."
--
I tried not to let things get awkward after her rejection.
We still talked whenever she needed help in math.
If only she knew, I am quite happy whenever we have these lessons and I see her scrunching up her face in confusion.
Teaching her seems to be the only reason I will ever get to be able to talk to her.
To have permission to look into her eyes.
I loved studying. It came naturally to me.
Although these days, I usually find myself not listening to the teacher.
I would just write songs for her. I would steal glances at her way, hoping to get more inspiration.
But often, my songs don't match the intensity of my feelings for her.
It makes me so frustrated.
Frustrated enough to angrily crumple up the papers and start on another one, hoping to finally get the words right.
Other times, whenever she would ask me, I would stutter helplessly as she bore those hypnotizing eyes on me.
Why does she always do that?
--
"Hi." I started. More and more, I'm starting to feel quite comfortable relaying all my messages to her.
Sometimes, they would be so long that they would get cut.
Sometimes, it would be short. Just enough to tell her what I feel.
These short messages usually contained 3 words.
With 8 letters.
"I saw how you played the piano today in music class. You're really good!" My heart felt happy with the memory.
"Your piece felt as if it contained something. Messages. Notes. Words you want to say."
I stopped.   Words she wanted to say?
To whom? Was it even for someone?
Suddenly, a realization hit me.
Enough to bring my heart to brokenness.
What if...she already belongs to someone else?
--
That day, I gathered all of my courage to ask the question that's been bothering me so much.
"Are you...seeing someone right now?" I asked quietly, fearing the answer.
"No." S he answered shortly, her face was blank.
"I see."  I replied calmly.
Inside though, I was rejoicing so much and I tried my hardest to supress the grin that was spreading across my face.
Then I realized something.
She doesn't belong to someone else.
That means she's free to go out for...coffee with me, right?
Coffee? Shakes? What should I pick?
Maybe I should just pick coffee.
She doesn't seem like the girl who's into shakes so much.
Yes. Coffee is perfect.
I mean, it's better than tea.   Right?
--
I sighed deeply and stared at the 50th messenger infront of me.
"You really puzzle me, you know that?" I closed my eyes.
"You don't like tea, you don't like coffee. What do you like?" I thought deeply.
"Perhaps you really do like shake? Aigoo..." I shook my head.
I've never been good at deciphering girls.
This isn't working at all.
I took my notebook and began to write.
I wrote and wrote. I kept on writing, not caring for mistakes.
I just wrote everything I felt. I played with the words, I tried to hit the right notes.
That night, I smiled as I relayed the ending of my 50th message to her:
"Guess what? I just finished your song."   --
I looked for her everywhere, anticipation growing in my heart.
Where is she?
I didn't see her after class, she left so quickly.
I didn't see her in the halls and I only saw her once in the cafeteria then my friends started to distract me.
Where is she?
I need to sing to her...
I need her to know...
--
I walked across the gym, sighing in defeat.
I really can't find her.
Not the canteen, not the library, not the benches, not the music room...
Where? Where will I find you?
I sat on the railings, feeling sad.
Then I heard talking.
I looked across and squinted my eyes.
Wait! Is that...
It is!
My heart swelled up with joy.
Finally! I found her!
I waited for her friend to leave and walked up to her, feeling very nervous.
This is it. No turning back.
She needs to hear my song.
My messages...
She glanced up, and once again, I almost drowned in the beauty of her eyes.
She looked at me questioningly.
I smiled softly. "I wrote you a song."
It was the first time I felt so happy.
I finally got to walk her home.
--
My 80th messenger contained such a happy message.
"You let me walked you home today again. I was so happy when your hand brushed mine slightly. In that small fraction of a second, I already knew, yours are the hands I want to hold forever."
--
After some weeks, I tried to show her the things I wanted to do for her.   Walking her home everyday was sheer joy for me.
I kept on wishing the walk home was longer, just so I could spend more time with her.
I would wait outside her house every morning, filled with butterflies, and getting knocked out breathless whenever I see her coming out of the door.
Seeing her like that everyday...
It always feels like the first time.
I would carry her things for her, not wanting her to be tired even for a second.
I prayed everyday that she would realize what I felt even without me saying anything.
I knew she was smart. I knew she wasn't naive.
I lacked the words but I tried to make up for it with my actions.
I knew that she feels that I liked her.
It was just a question of the degree. I knew she wasn't aware of how long she has been in my heart.
I hoped...
I hoped...
If only, maybe...
If only I could get the courage to finally say everything...
--
I knew nothing was official.
Although of course, officially, she owned my heart ever since the day I saw her.
Everyday though, I grew happier.
Because I noticed little things.
Like how she's slowly changing when she's with me.
I see her glancing my way often, almost as much as I do to her.
I saw the smiles she tried to hide whenever I catch her looking and I can't help but smile back.
I remember seeing her writing in her notebook that one time she was bored:
Onew's smile is very nice.
Very, very nice.
If only she knew...
She was the reason behind every single one of them.
--
I was very gentle with her, always, the way I would guide her hand whenever she would go down the stairs, or the way I would hold open the chair for her when she's about to sit.
She's very fragile to me.
Slowly, I started to show her who I really am.
I would surprise her with chocolates sometimes or reviewers I made for her the night before to help her study.
Also, I always felt myself being protective over her as time