Kwon Jiyong is a musical genius. I know that, the whole world knows that, but Kwon Jiyong has lost his muse, not a single drop of ink to paper has been made, no flowing lyrics dropped from his brain like rain, no melodies blowing soft and slow behind his, now always, closed door. The dorm is eerily silent, has been for awhile, ever since I stopped loving Kwon Jiyong.

Was I his muse? Maybe, but even that’s too much to hope for. Were all those love songs for me? I would like to think not, but Jiyong always said they were.

“Panda listen to this I wrote it for you”

“No you didn’t Ji”

“Yes I did. Don’t you hear your name within the lyrics?”

“All I hear is your voice and the music.”

“I’m saying I love you as I sing”

And he would smile at me, too wide, too gummy, too much. And the song would just be a forgotten I love you with a roll of my eyes.

Maybe if I had listened just a little more, a little longer, I would have noticed, noticed the slow decline of his pen to paper and the light lilt in his voice that filled the dorms, but I didn’t notice. I didn’t notice the hollow glare that made hairs rise on the back of my neck whenever I curled my hands around Seunghyun hyung’s. I didn’t see the clench of fist and jaw as I leaned in a little too long in Seunghyun’s hug. And I didn’t notice a heart break as I kissed the soft lips of a hyung that didn’t write me love songs.

But I didn’t want love songs. I wanted the arms of my eldest hyung. And maybe if I had listened just a little more I could have heard my name in those songs in the dead of night, whispered by a man without a muse.

I should have remembered that Shakespeare guys line, “love is blind.” If I wasn’t blinded by love for the hyung with the smoky eyes, Kwon Jiyong wouldn’t have been blinded by love for me. I would have noticed that the silence was cutting now, the pen a weapon, and his love deadly.

Looking back at it now I should have known but standing here seeing Jiyong’s too red hands, too wild eyes and too high voice it was too late for it all.

“Ji…what did you do?”

“I made it so you can love me. You love me Seungri, don’t you?”

In retrospect shaking my head no might not have been the best idea but neither was falling in love with the wrong hyung.

“Hyung why are your hands red?” The manic smile now plastered on Jiyong’s lips haunted me much like the hauntingly beautiful melody now spilling from his lips.

“I’m serious, I’m attached to you

 Are you saying I’m crazy, you didn’t know? I’m stubborn

 It’s sadder that my only sin is loving you”

“I wrote it for you Seungri don’t you like it?” I watched him step toward me; it was like a surreal dream, colors bled together, my vision seemed to focus only on him as I froze, his hand reaching toward me. The light of the TV illuminating the wet liquid that seemed to cling to his skin. It was red. It looked like blood. But Jiyong wasn’t bleeding, it couldn’t be blood. I watched him come toward me my eyes widening. I couldn’t move let alone breathe. His hand covered in that sticky wetness came up and cupped my face. My flinch was immediate and so was the look that flashed through his eyes. I looked after Jiyong in fear as he stalked off to his room.

Love was blind but now I could finally see.

Jiyong had gotten his muse back.

Littered on the floor of his room were sheets of musical paper. They were covered in lyrics, a bright red ink, my eyes flashed over the red that pooled in the middle of the floor; papers were placed on top soaking up the very ink that had been used to write Jiyong’s best song. He began singing again as I stepped inside his room, a sheet of paper sticking to the bottom of my shoe, I pulled it off and tried to read the rest of the lyrics but the ink was smeared.

 I’m serious, I’m attached to you

And Jiyong kept singing that damn song. I wanted him to stop. I covered my ears to rid it from my mind but it was there seeping into my skin like the ink on the floor seeped into my shoes, the ink was warm, why was it warm? I looked toward Jiyong. His eyes were bright and they reflected the pools of ink on the floor, a bright red, crimson, it seemed to burn in his eyes, burn into me. I felt the heat of his gaze. His smile was a crack on his face, broken and twisted but still beautiful. He never stopped singing his song the words drifting toward me filling in the silence that once was there. And I heard my name in his song finally. I heard the, I love you and the never let you go.

Are you saying I’m crazy, you didn’t know?

His hand was carved from the ink on the floor. The knife appeared in his hand, no it shimmered to the surface of his skin, the knife was him. It was sharp and marked with the bright red ink. His eyes were smoky now, I noticed, black and smoky and filled with the ink as well. It was flowing from him. I couldn’t hear anything besides his song, my song. And all I could see were his eyes, and his ink, and the way the it dripped from his hand and smeared on my cheek warm, and entirely too hot. And I didn’t move when he leaned forward and stained my lips with the ink and the lyrics that were forever on his mouth. And I couldn’t see past the look in his eyes or his vice like grip on me or his lyrics floating on the fiery air, not toward the dull eyes of another, now ashy eyed person. I couldn’t see no, but I knew. A muse comes at a cost. The knife was sharper than I thought. And love is blind for a reason. 

 It’s sadder that my only sin is loving you

A/N: Every time I see Jiyong's She's Gone mv I think of Edward Scissorhands...the hair reminds me of Edward, lol. It's weird and idk what I'm saying. And there's a reason I don't write in first person lol.